How do you cope with being alone?

[mummyrocks1]

I did something stupid a month ago. I asked my DH to move out temporarily for a month. I got to breaking point with our arguments, I felt very unhappy and wanted some space, then to come back together and do counselling. At first he was begging me not to ask him to go, saying he would do anything, would do counselling after previously saying no. Over the last two weeks he's done a complete u-turn. He wants to separate, not do counselling. This is his gut feeling, he thinks we will be happier apart. He seems to have made his mind up and nothing I say changes it.

I think I have forgotten why I asked him to go, I have gone into panic stations. Him saying this has given me clarity I want it to work after all but he has all the power now. Asking him to move out feels like the biggest mistake of my life. Telling him no when he didn't want to leave and wanted to engage in counselling feels like the biggest mistake of my life.

I am having panic attacks and crying constantly. We have been together since I was 21 it's all I know. He was my first everything. We have dcs 9 and 6 who's world is about to be destroyed. He won't even try counselling, he's made up his mind. Decided he doesn't love me.

I am so scared to be alone. I get scared in the house alone. I cry going to bed alone and cry waking up alone. He's all I have known for 20 years. I don't think I will manage by myself. I have struggled with friendships and relationships my whole life. Our family unit was the best thing I had and I didn't realise it. I don't have lots of friends around me. I struggle ti make friends and connections. I know I won't meet anyone else. I never get attention from men . I am not good with men. Never really had male friends. I am so scared of being sad and lonely now for the rest of my life.

I have seen others talk about joining groups, keeping busy etc which is fine but at the end of the day they go back to their DHs and I go back to an empty house all by myself. I am not good at being by myself. I am so scared.

Oh op. I didn't want to read & run

I don't actually know what to say but sending you lots of virtual hugs & hope It will get better with time x

This is just the fear of the unknown talking. You are in a transition stage, where you have enough distance from your old life to forget the absolute frustration that drove you to make a decision but not enough time to nurture your new life. So that seems terrifying.

It took 2.5 years for everything to settle down and for my new life to fully emerge..

But it does happen, small positive steps and suddenly you are miles ahead! I studied and re entered the job market. Then I met the love of my life. But there were a few frogs and many stressful.days at work before it all came together.

I really feel your distress, I'm sorry it's so tough going. Remember how you felt during those arguments though - it wasn't all perfect. And to be honest, if he's had a change of heart so easily then he must have been struggling with how things had got too.

If you can, I would channel your memories of how good you were together into making a wonderful coparenting relationship. You sound like the sort of couple who could make a fantastic job of it, and then there needn't be any devastation for the kids.

And don't stare off into the scary unknown of the distant future - it could hold any number of things that are good that you have no inkling of now. Just focus on baby steps of setting your life up for the moment - maybe just one thing each day.

Oh op I remember the fear and blind panic stage when I split from my ex. The relationship was dead in the water but we had been together for years and had a 2 year old dd.
My appetite plummeted and food tasted like ashes, I didn’t sleep and was a nervous wreck.
It took me a good 18 months to pull myself together and find my feet.

I now enjoy my own company, I don’t have a large social network and I can be a bit of a hermit. I joined the local church about 3 years ago and that works well for me. I also changed my job to do something that I enjoy which gives me a better work life balance.

I read a lot, I also knit and sew. As my dd has got older the evenings are easier as she is awake later and we have regular movie nights and game together in the Xbox.

I am single and plan on remaining so. There is life after a long term relationship, it’s just bloody scary at the moment. Make sure you are eating and drinking. Stay away from alcohol and if you are struggling to cope go and see your gp. I was on antidepressants for a few years and had some counselling, that was really helpful.

it is a thousand times being happy by yourself in a tent than in a relationship that hurts....now you have to learn to stop hurting youself....its what children whom were abused as children do as adults ...they continue to abuse themselves, or let others, once the original abuser is long gone and that is the main reason for drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc.... self meditating for a pain they don't understand nor know how to fix... Only you can plug the hole in your heart

I felt scared as I'd been in the relationship since 18 and had never lived alone. For me I was surprised to discover that after a few weeks I was a lot happier. Life was much more peaceful without the arguments and stress. I started to appreciate being able to cook what I wanted and watch what I wanted on tv. I saw lots of my family and my close friends. Did plenty with my kids. Two years later I met my dh and we are v happy together but I still look back on the time just me and my girls really fondly. My advice would be to take it one day at a time, try not to get caught up in past or future and would counselling for yourself help?

I'm feeling the fear right now. I found out my 30yr+ relationship is over a few days ago. We didn't have arguments and fighting. We just pottered along with life aside each other and he's now found someone new.

We got engaged in our teens. I've never been an adult without him. I'm petrified and feel overwhelmed with the idea of doing everything alone, but i'm a bit excited too. It could be the making of me and I'm going to find out who I am when I'm not part of a couple.

Up until now I've always known who I would tell when anything happened. I had someone I could text whenever it popped into my head to do so. Someone to run everything past, another point of view picking up things I might have missed. Realising I no longer have that is terrifying.

I've developed a little habit that I do every time I feel a bit wobbly. It's something that's the equivalent of a security blanket I suppose. Just to centre me and remind me I've got this. People do this all the time after all. It's change and it's new but I trust we will both find ways of filling the void. It's just going to take a bit of time.

You asked him to move out and away from his children that’s a pretty big deal. See it from his point of view - you made the decision all on your own that he isn’t going to be a full time father to his children any more and must leave the home he had thought was the family home for all of you.

It may be that the fact you could do that to him and his relationship with his children has sunk in and he is no longer able to view you the same way and simply has lost whatever warm feelings he still had for you before reality hit. Sorry, but I think you need to move on and decide how best parent for the both of you.

I didn't. I wanted some space and time apart to get my head together. To then try counselling. I wasn't intending us to break up. He has taken it to separating.

Hey Enny, way to kick a woman when she's down!

OP can quite clearly see how her actions have led to this. She is asking how she deals with where she is. You seem to have missed the whole point of the post!

OP, I'm sure it's just time and practice whilst we round out the elements of our personality that haven't had to develop yet.

In the meantime. please be kind to yourself.

@mummyrocks1

I get that - but how would have you felt if he had of asked you to leave the house and your children so he could have time to think? And when you weren’t the one who felt their was a problem in your marriage.

Im not trying to “kick you when your down” as another poster said, just to get you to see things from his point of view.

Because of that - even though your marriage problems may be because of things he’s done - I really think if you do want to consider reconciliation then you should offer a wholehearted apology for the way you’ve made him feel - and try to explain that you didn’t realise how it would seem to him and ask him to express how he felt about it.

Then maybe you can get back up n even footing and there’s a chance you could move foward.

I am torn between telling you to focus on moving forward and questioning why a marriage with children ended like this.

Others have given good advice on being a single adult with children. I’d echo that and the fact that you don’t need a huge network of people in your life to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and isn’t related to the number of friends you have or being in a relationship.

There is very little explanation about why things ended up this way. I’ll be judgy and say counselling should have come first. I am a bit exasperated by both your behaviours given you have children and based on your explanation of why your marriage broke up.

I have done that. I have done everything. He says this has made him face up that we weren't happy. That he wasn't the husband he should have been and didn't treat me well. That there is a reason for that and it's that we shouldn't be together. He's very cold about it. Saying we will be happier that I am just scared to be alone. That we can't make it work as we think too differently.

I know this is all my fault. I have ruined my life. That one decision has ruined all our lives. The ironic thing is the stressful atmosphere is probably over now as one of the main things that was causing it has almost come to an end. If only I had waited. I didn't think of the consequences of that decision I was bogged down with feeling unhappy and the situation.

At the moment he is in an apartment by himself so of course he sees the grass is greener. Of course he is stress free and feels at peace. Our house did become a stressful environment. But I feel he hasn't experienced what it would be like if we separated. The dcs and everything else is on me whilst he enjoys being single and going out, sleeping in, quiet time and walks.

If he says he wants to extend his lease to 6 months should I say he can have the dcs like if we separated? So we realises what this entails. At the moment he's just got the good life. I think he feels like co parenting will be like it is now. He picks dcs up from school three times a week, comes over here and does tea and bedtime and goes home. He talks about is going on days out still as a family. He talks about getting half my money so he can have a nice 3 bed house in a lovely area. That was his first reaction when I asked him to move out.

It's complicated. It has been deteriorating for some time. We both felt resentful over things over a long period of time. This made us feel a certain way as so we stopped giving each other what we need. He have always had quite a argumentative relationship but this escalated. We couldn't seem to understand each other, communicate or agree on anything. Past resentment was brought up. Petty arguments. I felt we lost ourselves as a couple and we stopped trying. Neither of us willing to get over past feelings. I think we never got over the stressful baby/ toddler stage and never seemed to agree on our roles in the relationship. Then youngest dc went to school, covid hit, I decided to have a career change so was studying whilst working and this made a fragile foundation worse. It put the spotlight on our problems.

He was selfish and his stressful work came first. I felt resentful because I was at the bottom of his list. I felt I had lost myself and it was a pressure cooker.

I asked for space, he had spent time away in a hotel before. He begged to come back and I stood my ground. We were going to do counselling before he came back. We were arguing even when he was here. We only had a couple of sessions and he admitted he wasn't trying. Said we would try again once the stressful situation died down. To give him space. I found that very hard. Asked him about the lease on his apartment and he said I had backed him into a corner and told me he we talked to separate. When I tested the water if he meant it by telling the dcs etc he said he would. He said his gut says it's wrong. There is a reason he's not engaged with counselling, why he's not tried to be a better DH.

It's not happened over night. It's a complicated thing.

Oh stop shaming the OP. If he’s been a shitty husband causing arguments and an unpleasant atmosphere she had every right to ask him to leave - that’s surely the mature course of action than subjecting kids to living in a toxic atmosphere. Better to teach them that relationships are not something you endure at any cost, but can end when they cease to work for you.

He equally has every right to think actually that was the correct move and the relationship just fundamentally wasn’t working. It will be better for the kids in the long run to have calm and happy separated parents than ones who tear into each other and only stayed together for the kids.

OP, in answer to your question plenty of people live alone and function absolutely fine. This is just fear of the unknown. You’ll get used to it - but yes he absolutely should be doing his share with the kids, not just thinking he now has a responsibility-free life with you doing all the grunt work.

@mummyrocks1 I think the dc’s really should be at home until this is sorted no matter what happens. You don’t want them shipped around right now when living situations are unsettled and emotions are high. Yes if he does want the dc’s half the time I really think given the circumstances that is right.

As for him wanting half your money to buy a nice house, I don’t know anything about your financial situation but if you are the higher earner he probably will be entitled to some settlement which at least enables him to get accomodation - probably if he works too it will not be half but who knows? This isn’t something divorcing women often consider but both of your money is considered family money to be split. That’s the law intended to protect the lower earning partner whether that’s right or wrong, but for you right now it will apply.

I think I am still trying to persuade him to come back. I don't know how. I am not good at playing games to get people on my side.

@mummyrocks1

This is going to sound dumb - but maybe apologise in person and come into him? Perhaps physical intimacy will remind him of what he felt for you until very recently.

Of course he is loving the single life if he doesn't have to deal with the DC all of the time like you do. Ask him what days he wants the kids and how much maintenance he pays you. Then see how he feels about separating.

I know this is all my fault. I have ruined my life. That one decision has ruined all our lives
You need to stop this for a start. Your relationship wasn't working and being scared of being alone isn't really the foundation on which to build it back up is it? Your children will take their cues from you. From both of you. If the two of you are fine, they'll be fine. When the children suffer it is usually down to the adults not putting them first.
You asked him to leave and there was always the chance it wasn't going to go the way you imagined it would. You had the upper hand and now you don't so regroup and find the strength you need for your children and yourself. I have no doubt it is in there.
You have more chance of him coming home if he sees you as independent and moving forward. Don't play games, what's the point of that.
It sucks, I know but whatever happens, you'll be ok.

@Neoandtrinity

It seems as though she has he own source of money as he’s already talked about buying a small house with it. If kids are split it’s unlikely he’ll pay any mantinence or at least not much.

I ve done that. Although not strictly an apology Just that I know we can make it work and what I can do my side. He seems so determined.

He asked for space though so maybe it's best not to bombard him? Every time I talk to him it seems to make his mind up more.

I did call his bluff and say about telling the dcs and 50/50 custody. He agreed to do it. So that didn't work. Nothing has.

I don't think I thought through that he might change his pov and get clarity in a different way. It was all about giving me some head space not him deciding to separate. I am such an idiot.

Sounds like the song "I need a little time" except you're the one that said this and now he's basically called your bluff and you don't like it - that's the risk you take with a situation like this unfortunately

Being lonely/not liking being alone but the relationship isn't working isn't a good enough reason to get back together.

It's only been a month which is very soon to be making major decisions for either of you tbh but you can't force him to come back.

Get support for yourself from dr, friends, family...

You won't always feel this way as much as it sucks right now

Stop thinking about other men it's way too soon for that plus there is nothing fundamentally wrong with being single you don't HAVE to be in a relationship. Learn to enjoy your own company it's empowering.

Church is a great suggestion - you don't have to be particularly religious it's a good way to meet people and is good for your health it has been proven in many studies - even with non religious participants! The rituals and meditative quality of hymns and prayer are calming

It does get easier