How do single parents survive?

[Thatgirlcat]

Hi guys,

I've separated from my husband of 5 years. We have 2 young children and own a house together. We are currently still both living in the family home, as I don't make enough to move out and support my 2 kids. I've applied for a council house, but this isn't a definite and the waiting times are crazy. I work full time 37.5 hours, and I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same situation as me?

I really don't know how single parents manage work\home life alone. I feel so scared and alone and just completely lost. My ex makes double my salary, so I know he doesn't feel the same financial burdens as I do which makes everything that much harder.

Someone please help!

The answer is very simple: “you just do because there’s no one else to sort things for you”. The buck stops with you.

But don’t fear, being a single mother is not easy but can be the making of you. I have been divorced for a long time, raised my child single handedly, working full time in a not very well paid job, yet… I have been happier that at any other time in my life. Becoming a single mum is a very empowering experience. You will survive and eventually thrive.

Now, going to more mundane stuff, the first thing is to check what help you are entitled to (calculator is in entitledto.co.uk), ensure you have your ex’s National Insurance number (it will come handy for child maintenance calculations) and start putting your ducks in a row (the main duck is ensuring you have a roof over your head, once that’s sorted everything will start falling into place)

In terms of surviving the week without loosing the plot:

1. sleep as much as you can, if you are exhausted go to bed, don’t push yourself too much, any house chores would be still there tomorrow and you can do them when you are more than half awake)

2. Get your kids into a good sleeping routine, the only free / me time you may have for some time is when they are asleep.

3. Batch cook. I always cooked for 4-6 when we are only 2, the other 4 portions go in the freezer for the days I am to tired.

4. Go to bed on time and wake one hour earlier than your children. Honestly you can clean the whole house and get yourself ready before starting with the kids, it would make the stat of the day 200 times easier.

5. Build a good network of support, it takes a village to raise a child.

6. Make a team with your kids, some days they will take precedence, sometimes you will do. Mum is as important as the kids because she keeps the boat afloat.

Financially you split everything with your husband, if he earns more you should get a chunk surely? From the house sale? Then if you have the children most of the time you get maintenance too. In terms of time off you get a break when he has the kids. So fairly regularly.

Thank you guys so much! I’m trying my best to get everything organised and sorted out. I think once we’ve sold the house and I have somewhere else to live it will all be ok. Until then I will try to stay sane! I don’t really have great support, so it’s kind of just me alone dealing with everything, but I need to stay strong for my kids

Following for tips.

Single mum for 5 months and I have an 8 month old DD.

Just a heads up, you’re extremely unlikely to get a council house - even no fault evicted from rentals single mothers are being bounced around hotels before landing temp accom and 2+ years for council housing. That’s in the Midlands. Where they can, they throw them back into private rentals, even when they’re in shit condition and need a lot of repairs.

You’ll also have money from the sale of the house, which they’ll expect you to use to secure a private rental. And selling your house without taking proper legal advice and trying to secure it for you to stay in until your children are a certain age, most areas will deem that as intentionally homeless and will not help.

You need legal advice. Pronto. Most women sell their marital home without legal advice, when they really shouldn’t have/wouldn’t have been forced to.

You both need to come to an agreement over the split of the house. Apply for universal credit and work out child maintenance. Also look st claiming childcare costs back too and have child benefit in your name.
Once you move out you can also look at getting housing costs too.

I live in East Anglia, my friend was recently in a similar situation to me where she had to sell her home. She couldn’t afford to rent and she got a council house, so hopefully it won’t be so bad. I’ll just have to wait and see. The rent alone in my area is around £1,400 and I earn roughly about £1,500 per month :/

Don't sell the house. Ask your husband to move out and get legal advice. Can you cover the mortgage? There are legal precedents that allow you to remain there if you are the primary carer for your child.

Make sure the child benefit is paid into your account and check what benefits you are entitled to. It can take ages to process so get started now.

The worst part for me was the first 6 months of uncertainty and stress. Once I got my money sorted and my housing secure I haven't looked back.

On the financial side, take legal advice, it will be the best money you have ever spent.

For practicalities, batch cook, always fill up the car at the weekend, have school uniform for the whole week ready to put on by Monday morning, find another single mum and swap emergency cover and babysitting, Don't be ashamed to ask for help in an emergency. People can be lovely.

I was so miserable beforehand that I found being a single mum a huge relief. Yes, it's nonstop but my ex didn't help at all so not actually that much harder. You'll cope.😊

There are legal precedents that allow you to remain there if you are the primary carer for your child.

Yes but only if she can cover the mortgage which sounds doubtful

You'll cope because you have to.

On a practical note always keep a carton of long life milk in the cupboard. Then you won't accidentally run out over night and everyone can have breakfast.
Or a pint in the freezer, but I never had space for that.

Me and my exh sold our marital home- a 4 bed semi detached with garage, garden and in catchment for DD’s outstanding primary school for £265k (monthly mortgage was £700). I got a chunk of £50k which I used £40k of for a deposit for a mortgage on a 2 bed terraced ex-council house with a yard 1.5miles from DD’s outstanding primary school, less nice area, for £160k (monthly mortgage £400). I miss my lovely big house every day but I am so much happier not living with him and living in my own little house. This was in 2019 and I thank my lucky stars that we did it all before lockdowns hit as it would’ve been torture being locked down together, nice house or no.

Has your solicitor told you that selling the house is in your best interest? If your H brings £3000 a month net, he must be on £50K more or less. Generally he would be expected to move out, contribute to his share of the mortgage (which can be more than 50%) and contribute towards the upkeep of his children. 50/50 might not be the right thing for you, so DON'T do anything without legal advice.

When I got divorced, my mortgage was paid off and I was earning about 60K. I still got to stay in the house with DC until I decided I was ready to sell. No rush while the children are small

Has your solicitor told you that you need to sell the house ? Is there no option to stay until they are older, especially as he earns so much ?

That is not necessarily representative of how things work. Judges would consider affordability of both parents when deciding on what happens to the house.

But agree that legal advice is needed if you are keeping the kids for most of the time and earns less than him as in such case you may be entitled to more than 50% of the equity.

I have looked into remortgaging the house on own, but I won’t be accepted as I don’t earn enough by myself. I asked if my husband would move out and leave me with the house and he said no. I haven’t looked into any legal advice, as I’m worried about things costing loads and I’m already struggling financially.

We are both nurses doing shift work, so I guess we’ll have them equal amounts, unless I reduce my hours a bit. So I don’t know if I would qualify for any maintenance from him. Also he has never helped to provide financially for them anyway, so I’m used to having to pay for everything on my own. And same goes for if we sell the house, I’m not sure if I would get more money as the kids will be staying with is for the same amount of time.

Is he used to care for the children on a 50/50 basis? If not, why would you agree to that if you are mostly responsible for the kids and paying for all? These are your kids not a car you are splitting, I can assure you that if you did and do most of the care things won’t change, you will continue to be the main carer and bearing most of the expenses even if you split everything by half and even if your kids are with him half of the time.

If you go 50/50 you will not get child maintenance and it would be easy for him to claim the child benefit and UC for himself, so only agree to this if he really does half of the share of child care and expenses.

You survive because what other choice is there? I’m a single mum to 4 ex not involved at all and hasn’t seen them at all in 18 months, no maintenance at all, I survive because there is no alternative, I’m guessing tour ex will still be around and pay maintenance?

I think you need to immediately demand exDP pays fair share for kids, does 50% housework, 50% childcare - that includes organising play dates, school runs, dental appointments, taking them to buy new shoes, buying birthday presents, etc. Make him take responsibility.

I think paying for legal advice is a necessity and you won’t regret it. Get all your ideas in order first, all your financials and those of your dp including pensions. Then you will have the most productive session possible.

I would not reduce your hours, or offer to do so. If your dp is going to have the kids 50% of the time make it clear that is 50% of EVERYTHING - not just the easy easy bits. Tell him you want to start that right now, so he has time to adjust - and to decide if he really wants 50:50 or if he is just saying that to avoid paying you maintenance.

There’s no point on insisting on him doing 50% of everything if he is not used to it, it would be just time wasted on nagging and being resentful.

If I were you and was insisting on splitting assets by half, I would tell him he is not having the kids for 50% of the time, not for the money but for the sake of the kids, who need a responsible parent around most of the time not one that might delay action on responsibilities until the kids are back at yours. Could you imagine him telling the kids that you will sort all the stuff when they are back at mummy’s? If so, don't go into 50/50 contact, the children won’t be ok with it.

Doesn’t matter if you’re equal earners, what matters is how many overnights per year he will actually have DC - that’s all CMS are interested in when calculating.

If you don't get a council house then just stay put and instigate divorce proceedings and ask the judge to split the house.

If he's having them 50/50 so no maintenance then make sure he pays 50% childcare and pays for everything when he gas them, clothes, shoes etc etc
I think you'll get a UC top up on that salary.

A judge won’t dictate what happens to the house until a third and final hearing, that could take years and £10,000s in legal fees so it might be much cheaper to accept the 50% of the assets if he is the kind of person who acts like it is his way or the highway.

Get legal advice but try to arrange the split through family mediation, how long have you been separated? If not at all, it would be helpful for you try life as a separated couple before you sell the house as that may be a reality shock, some not very involved parents think that all parenting takes is kicking a ball from time to time and do the bedtime routine, but once they have to do the shopping to ensure they can feed the kids when with them regular,y. lose days at work when the kids are unwell,
or have to sacrifice anual leave to take care of the children, they may realise that a 50/50 arrangement doesn’t work for them or the children.

Because we do shift work, we have to alternate who is looking after the kids. So when I'm at work he has them and vice versa. Since we split up he has been more active in doing things with them and making it look like he's the perfect parent by posting pics of them on social media etc. But in terms of providing for them, I buy all the clothes, shoes, etc for them by myself as he has no clue.

Before we split I was the one paying for them to go out, for their clothes and doing all the house work, plus going to work full time and doing a student apprenticeship. Since we've split up he has suddenly started taking them out and told me he wants to focus on the children, but I can't help thinking it's only because he wants them 50% of the time. I know that sounds awful to say, but he's from the Philippines and used to tell me all his real family are back home and he doesn't want to live in UK, despite having a wife and 2 lovely children here. I just want the best for my children and to have the best co-parenting relationship we can have.