How do single parents survive?

[Thatgirlcat]

Hi guys,

I've separated from my husband of 5 years. We have 2 young children and own a house together. We are currently still both living in the family home, as I don't make enough to move out and support my 2 kids. I've applied for a council house, but this isn't a definite and the waiting times are crazy. I work full time 37.5 hours, and I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same situation as me?

I really don't know how single parents manage work\home life alone. I feel so scared and alone and just completely lost. My ex makes double my salary, so I know he doesn't feel the same financial burdens as I do which makes everything that much harder.

Someone please help!

Not to scare you off but after your last update I strongly suggest you start a process in court for arrangements for children (this is NOT the same process as the dissolution of marriage/divorce or the separation of assets) well before you do anything else, and especially before you do anything that could make him more unhappy about being in the UK.

If there is no process in court about the children or a court order, he can simply take them back to his country for a holiday and never bring them back, while if the process is started, you have a much better chance at recovering your children.

Get in touch with Reunite.org for free advice on how to prevent something like that happening ASAP.

When does your apprenticeship end. Will you be earning more then? Can you wait til then before you think about moving? Working , studying, being a single mum and getting divorced all at the same time seems like a lot to cope with

How old are your children? Speaking from experience of doing shifts in a hospital are you sure your kids dad will go 50/50 how practical is that OP? Unless you both requested set days I wouldn't bank on it especially if he doesn't contribute financially.

I would get any childcare arrangements drawn up legally. Oh and I would go through CMS too.

My apprenticeship ends in April 2024, tbh I’ve already waited for years. I feel like I’ve had enough and I just need to move on at this point. I know it will be very difficult, but I’ve spent the past 5 years basically living as a single parent already. We talked about how we would have the kids moving forward. He said he will have the kids at the weekend and me the rest of the time.

I survives the first 3 years living payday to payday, after I had paid rent & all bills I had £50 to feed & clothe ds & I. I shopped carefully starting at Farmfoods buying as much as I could & only used other supermarkets for fresh meat & veg if I couldn't get them from the local market.. I cooked from scratch most of our meals, we had pizza night on a Friday having £1 pizzas from Farmfoods & we never turned down an invitation for a meal at my mum's. I bought 2 loaves of bread a week & kept it in the freezer only getting out what we needed & bought own brand blocks of cheese & packs of ham for ds packing up for school. I wasted nothing, the spaghetti bolognaise I made in the slow cooker on a Monday was a pasta bake on a Tuesday & chilli con carne on a Wednesday, if I cooked something like a stir fry I doubled up & froze the rest in meal size portions. I always made sure I had rice, pasta & potatoes in, I bought a bag of potatoes, cooked them in their jackets & froze them to save them going off or growing. It meant that the last week of the month I didn't need to shop as we lived out of the freezer. As I was at home all day I made time to go to the local market so I could buy fruit & veg or packs of meat from the butchers van. I followed Martin Lewis religiously & was able to get loads of moneysaving tips, I also reclaimed any money I could from bank charges, PPI etc which helped a lot.

Hi, I am looking for another single mum who wants to privately rent in Central London or inner London zone 2 ideally. It is so difficult to find a place as landlords prefer to rent to couples, so teaming up with another mum can be a solution. I also want to get back to work full time, and childcare costs are super high, so if I would look after kids on my days off and another mum would look after kids on her days off, we could put kids to nursery for only one or two days a week, which is affordable. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

I think your in for a rude awakening OP. Once you move out things will be different and doing nursing as a single parent will be tough. Can you look into outpatients and cut your hours down?

You can claim CMS and if he earns twice your wage you should get at least £250 a month, plus UC would cover a large portion of your rent. CMS is not means tested either.

He said he will have the kids at the weekend and me the rest of the time.

How is this fair? Don't you want to have time with your kids where you're not running from pillar to post on weekdays? He needs to front up and start being a proper 50/50 parent, time and cost-wise.

I was thinking about if I work 5 days a week, but only early shifts. That way I can see the kids after they finish school? I was also thinking about having them every other weekend, so I actually get to see them properly, but I’m not sure how that will pan out. And I know being a single parent is very difficult, that’s why I’m trying to prepare myself to the best I can and ask for advice from people who have been in a similar situation to me.

Does your early shift start at 7am? You said your kids are young could you manage to drop the kids 5x a week and get to work?

What about doing 2 nights a week?
When your discussing weekends with your DH make sure this is drawn up on paper, think about Fridays and Monday morning drop offs. Once your kids start school you will have inset days,school holidays and sick days to cover yourself...

Try Create another thread of your own. I think you may get more responses.

@Thatgirlcat

Working SP here, since birth
Won’t lie, it’s not easy. Esp when you are ill, or one of the kids is ill.

It definitely isn’t impossible though.

And the freedom of making your own decisions and not having a partner making your life hell is well worth it.
You can do it.

I also recommend joining your local Gingerbread group or the online SP network Frolo. Great for venting and swapping tips.

I've been a single parent since 2014. I'm not going to lie op it's been a slog at times. I'm currently working two jobs just to get by. I hate my life right now.

You should have them every other weekend. And be sure to define, in writing how you will alternate Christmas and birthdays. You need to have them for the fun times as well as the routine, or you will grow resentful.

You and your ex need to adjust shifts to cover pickups and drop offs. Look at what wrap around care is available. Are there any other single mums you can share pickups and drop offs with. My ds went to school with a neighbour's dcs and I contributed to her petrol. The extra 40 mins it bought me allowed me to work full time. After school club meant I collected at 6pm.

Sharing with other mums is important for emergencies, snow days, inset days etc. It's good to build a mutual support network, swapping babysitting or care. My neighbour is sometimes late home. I'm always ready to feed three dcs instead of one, which reduces her stress and keeps everyone safe & happy. Most single mums cope this way.

And planning for school holidays is vital. Holiday clubs get booked up so be prepared to book whatever time you need, months in advance.

But you will cope. Most people manage. 😊

I am a single Mum to three children, I left my husband of 15 years just over a year ago. It has been an incredibly tough year but it is getting easier and the kids and I are the happier we have been in years.

My tips are:

1. Get some decent legal advise now. Many solicitors will give you an initial 30 or 60 minute appointment free. Even if you have to pay for a consultation, it could be much more costly for you if you agree to something now without advise.

1. Apply for benefits like universal credit. I work 3 days a week, 1 day a week at college and have been able to keep up the mortgage on my own as I get a bit from universal credit each month, I have my wages, child benefit and maintenance payments. I also get 85% of my childcare costs covered by universal credit, so my children go to a before school breakfast club and with a Childminder after school.

1. Don't be too proud to ask for help from friends/family. Early on after the split I felt bad asking people to help with pick up/drop off for school, playdates, parties etc if I was really stuck as I didn't want to be a burden on anyone but actually this was a big mistake. My friends were all happy to help when I needed it. Most of the time I am fine doing everything but occasionally need help and I feel so much better knowing I have that support.

1. Accept that you can't do everything straight away. If the house isn't spotless it can wait. If I am exhausted I have learnt I am much better getting some sleep than starting awake for hours trying to finish the never ending cycle of washing, ironing, coaching etc.

1. Batch cook. I have only recently started doing this and honestly it makes life so much easier. If I'm late home from work or we have lots of kids clubs one night, it is such a relief knowing I have dinner in the freezer and just need to reheat it.

1. Try to get a sensible routine in place with their Dad once you are living separately. I didn't do this and it has been so confusing for the kids having their Dad turn up when he wants (often 4 days a week) , spend half his time back here at the house as he doesn't want to take the kids out so I end up seeing him far too often and he wants to see them all day every Saturday and Sunday which just doesn't work. We are in the prices of mediation and a routine is over if the things I want to get sorted. Please don't let you husband demand that he gets every weekend whilst you get the weeks with the stress of the school run, activities, homework etc.

1. Try to find some time for you. Whether it is sitting with a book and a cup of tea, or having a long bath every evening when the kids are asleep. If you don't look after yourself properly you won't be able to look after the children properly. Remember that you are important too.

1. Remember that your are strong and can do this. When I first became a single Mum I was struggling, I was finding it hard and doubting myself. I rang the council to get the single persons council tax discount and the lady on the phone was so kind and at the end of the call she told me to always remember that I am strong and can do this. It was exactly what I needed to hear that day and I feel stronger and more capable every single day.

You will cope and you will find happiness, Take time for yourself and build a support network. But your first priority really needs to be getting some decent legal advise!