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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dreading not being with my child

32 replies

Clueless16 · 01/06/2022 20:58

Just going through the process of separation and still living together while we sell the house. My ex is asking for two/three nights per week custody of DD (6) which isn’t unreasonable but I can’t get my head around it at all. I have been her primary carer for 6 years..only recently spent the first nights apart from her when he took her away for Easter and am finding this all too much to try to bear.
Once we agreed on separation he completely changed his behaviour towards her and starting taking her out, taking care of her needs on a daily basis investing time in her and I know this is preparation for him having her and it is a positive thing for her but the resentment I feel at him not having done it before is making me find it very difficult to cope with.
I wonder if it will get easier or not. I have never felt this level of emotional pain before.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 01/06/2022 21:06

It will get easier and I imagine in time you will appreciate a break now and then.

GarageGalore · 01/06/2022 21:12

I feel for you, for this has been the hardest part of divorce for me. I know a lot of people say it's great they can do what they want in that time and I think that does come to a certain extent when the children are around 9 and more independent and you don't worry so much about being separated from them as they are able to tell you things they are not happy about. Until that point though, I felt lost and purposeless, really struggled to do anything the day of and day after they left and it has taken years for me to acclimatise to it as I have never wanted to be separated from them. I think it is helped now due to their ages. I also had the dad that did very little with them, but that didn't really change for my dc, although he did turn up. Be kind to yourself on those days and go with how you feel, if you feel sociable - great, if not, don't be.

Gardenerboo · 01/06/2022 21:18

This is the sole reason I’m not divorcing my husband. I don’t say that to offend you, simply to point out how brave you are and that you are doing the best for you and your child even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I wish I was brave enough to leave. I’ll be following this thread in the hope it gives me the strength to leave.

Can you find a new exciting hobby? A side hustle/business interest? A dog or cat (company)? Good luck. You’re being brilliant and strong.

StarDolphins · 01/06/2022 21:27

My DD is 6 too& I feel/felt the same. It does get easier & I think it will get easier as they get older. My DD decided she doesn’t want to stay at exp’s house after initially staying every Fri or sat so I only have to be apart for a day each weekend & couple of tea in the week. when she first started staying over I felt lost, absolutely lost but it got easier once I got into a routine with it.

It will get better.

Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 05:04

Thanks for the reply..glad to know there is progress. My best case scenario would be my DD deciding she wanted to spend more time at my place but i’m dreading the alternative-she chooses him

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 05:06

Bless you -doesn’t feel like it it feels like I’ve made the most selfish wrong decision ever but there’s no going back. Trying to concentrate on the fact that I am a better person without him. He is incredibly toxic to me. Hopefully this will lead to me being a better parent even if it’s with less time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 05:06

Thanks

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 02/06/2022 05:22

Xh and I separated when DD was 4. I missed her so much it hurt on his weekends, I'd never been apart from her until then overnight. It took about a year for me to get used to it - I got better at planning things to do. Weekends are hard because it's family time for everyone else, so no-one is around, so I just planned things I could do alone and ended up really looking forward to them. He moved away when DD was 7, so no more EOW - he had a week at Easter, Christmas and summer - and that was much harder to adjust to tbh.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/06/2022 05:26

I understand the resentment, especially if like me him not stepping up had been a big part of the problem.

I'm dreading this too, the not seeing my DC everyday, but I can't cope with being around DH much longer. A single mum I know has a set up I'd love where DC Dad picks them up from school twice a week and drops them home for bedtime, then he has them EOW. I think something like this would be best for our DC, they have SEN and he doesn't cope well with it. Another single mum I know is 3 years post seperation now. She was pretty devistated the first 18 months, but finding it a lot easier now.

SD1978 · 02/06/2022 05:26

The positive tot ale is that at least you can be comfortable knowing that he will and is able to do it. The rest- you will get use to it x

Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 05:57

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/06/2022 05:26

I understand the resentment, especially if like me him not stepping up had been a big part of the problem.

I'm dreading this too, the not seeing my DC everyday, but I can't cope with being around DH much longer. A single mum I know has a set up I'd love where DC Dad picks them up from school twice a week and drops them home for bedtime, then he has them EOW. I think something like this would be best for our DC, they have SEN and he doesn't cope well with it. Another single mum I know is 3 years post seperation now. She was pretty devistated the first 18 months, but finding it a lot easier now.

Yes. For 6 years he hasn’t had the time or commitment to be there consistently and suddenly he’s super dad. I don’t understand the change and wonder why this couldn’t happen before. It makes me angry for her more than anything. She is only worth the effort when he thinks he’s losing her.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 02/06/2022 06:03

My best case scenario would be my DD deciding she wanted to spend more time at my place but i’m dreading the alternative-she chooses him
Your dd will take her cues from you and likely sense that you don't want her to go. Don't place her in a situation like that because it is damaging for a child who wants to please her parents.
I've seen so many cases where the parent says "oh, dd/ds decided they didn't want to go anymore" when really, the parent made it so the child felt they couldn't :(

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2022 07:38

I don’t think it’s always a case of dad suddenly only stepping up when they think they’ll lose a child. We do t know your particular situation so it may not apply here but in many cases in a relationship people play a role ie man works to pay, women looks after child full time, or reduces hours to accommodate. When you separate times change in that things previously agreed are no longer valid so dad ends up taking on more parenting , mum takes on more earning. Then man gets accused of only stepping up then….

may not be relevant on your case

hiwever, while it’s natural for you to miss your child snd dresd it at first, I think you need to embrace the fact your daughter will have a loving positive relationship with her dad -this will massively benefit her- and embrace the things you can do - take up hobby/meet friends/ go for a walk whatever and enjoy not only being a mum but being you too ( and never let your child feel that you she has the responsibility of being with you to make you happy )

Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 08:04

CJsGoldfish · 02/06/2022 06:03

My best case scenario would be my DD deciding she wanted to spend more time at my place but i’m dreading the alternative-she chooses him
Your dd will take her cues from you and likely sense that you don't want her to go. Don't place her in a situation like that because it is damaging for a child who wants to please her parents.
I've seen so many cases where the parent says "oh, dd/ds decided they didn't want to go anymore" when really, the parent made it so the child felt they couldn't :(

I understand your point. It’s pretty much the opposite for me. I’m only too aware of the dangers and will continue to do my best to keep her dad involved and informed. I have stepped this up since we made the decision to separate so it’s not too big a change for her. Thanks for your view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless16 · 02/06/2022 08:09

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2022 07:38

I don’t think it’s always a case of dad suddenly only stepping up when they think they’ll lose a child. We do t know your particular situation so it may not apply here but in many cases in a relationship people play a role ie man works to pay, women looks after child full time, or reduces hours to accommodate. When you separate times change in that things previously agreed are no longer valid so dad ends up taking on more parenting , mum takes on more earning. Then man gets accused of only stepping up then….

may not be relevant on your case

hiwever, while it’s natural for you to miss your child snd dresd it at first, I think you need to embrace the fact your daughter will have a loving positive relationship with her dad -this will massively benefit her- and embrace the things you can do - take up hobby/meet friends/ go for a walk whatever and enjoy not only being a mum but being you too ( and never let your child feel that you she has the responsibility of being with you to make you happy )

It’s kind of different yeah. When I met my ex he was penniless and I supported him with his kids and ran the house. I was the main breadwinner until she was three and worked full time as well as doing 90% of the childcare. I sold my business then and was able to work part time still. I am financially independent of my ex and pay for everything for my child. Until the decision to separate when he decided to start paying to take her places of course. The “stepping up” is not due to any reason except his reluctance to accept responsibility before I’m afraid.

OP posts:
magaluf1999 · 02/06/2022 08:26

Re the spare time and feeling lost we
Do understand. It gets easier.

Try to reframe it. Use that time to get things done and clear your head. Run your errands and meal prep etc. This means dragging DD along to less of these things and more
Time for her when you are with her. See friends, rest, enjoy peace and quiet, make plans for the future.. You will be less frazzled, have more patience and tolerance. All of this will benefit DD.

I think in many ways i am a better mum now because of the above. Over time i now use that time more for me then for prepping for her. But that really helped initially.

ErinAoife · 02/06/2022 08:33

In my opinion, it doesn't get easier. Ex husband did barely nothing with the kids when we were together, I was always the one planning activities, most of the time it did not bother coming with us or if he was he stayed in the car, he was always too tired at the weekend because of the sport he was doing, now that we are separated he see the kids EOW and one night a week, he planned some activities with them which is great for the kids but why could he not do it when we were together. What I thought even harder is the girlfriend who has been introduced to my kids and her kids. She was supposed according to ex not interfering with the children and of course that is not true. I am always the one who have to say no when he is the fun guy. He has more disposable income than me, he can afford things than I can't so the kids thinks he is great and that I am mean.

ivykaty44 · 02/06/2022 08:47

Weekends are hard because it's family time for everyone else, so no-one is around, so I just planned things I could do alone

actually there are many other people out there solo at the weekends

i used meetups website to look for events, trips for meals, to see bands and drinks or bike rides with others also on their own - made many friends over about 3/4 groups and had a full social life exactly to suit me

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 02/06/2022 10:07

ivykaty44 · 02/06/2022 08:47

Weekends are hard because it's family time for everyone else, so no-one is around, so I just planned things I could do alone

actually there are many other people out there solo at the weekends

i used meetups website to look for events, trips for meals, to see bands and drinks or bike rides with others also on their own - made many friends over about 3/4 groups and had a full social life exactly to suit me

Somewhat pedantic but yes, there are people out there who are also alone at weekends. I didn't know any and I'm not a joiner, so I went to gigs, museums, theatre or dinner by myself (and still do).

40andlols · 02/06/2022 10:11

The change in attitude often comes when they realise there's a financial gain now for doing their share of the childcare.

I'm sorry you're going through this but i promise in time it does become easier.

ILoveAnOwl · 02/06/2022 10:15

It's tough. Mine are away for six days this holiday and that's the longest I've ever been away from them. I allow myself a little cry each day, but otherwise I've just made sure I'm doing lots of lovely, child free things- seeing friends, volunteering, going to the theatre. I'm still in bed right now because I can be. But I can't wait to see them on Sunday!

TomAllenWife · 02/06/2022 10:15

@ErinAoife it sounds like you're still very bitter. Once you let go of any feelings for him and new woman things will get easier trust me,
My ex used to spend his whole weekend doing his hobbies, he's a much better father since we split

OP I'm going against the grain but I love my free weekends and night in the week.
I get to go away, see friends, go to theatre, out for dinner, clean, lie in bed all day watching Netflix

The possibilities are endless

IMHO the MN obsession with being with your child every waking moment is bizarre and unhealthy. Because when they fly the nest there will just be you

ErinAoife · 02/06/2022 10:40

Yes I am bitter. I did so much for him, putting him and the kids first and he just left because he wanted a carefree life and not have to deal with the day to day of family life. He is a liar who cannot keep any promise he made to me when we separated. His own family told me he is selfish and I am better off without him, my eldest son girlfriend said the same that he is selfish and put himself and his girlfriend first.

BiscoffSundae · 02/06/2022 11:36

*The possibilities are endless

IMHO the MN obsession with being with your child every waking moment is bizarre and unhealthy. Because when they fly the nest there will just be you*

agree with this so much, my kids dad is absent so I’m with my kids 24/7 what I would give for a break and some weekends to myself so I can have a life away from just being a mum. I don’t think it’s healthy to never want to be away from your kids ever even for a day, isn’t getting a break nice? I even made a thread about it as I don’t get why some people are so against their kids going to the exes, I’m so desperate for a break from mine a regular weekend away would be lovely even if it was just being on my own to rest!

GarageGalore · 02/06/2022 19:26

@TomAllenWife it's not an obsession to want to see your young children everyday, do you tell people that are not divorced who see their children everyday that they are obsessive and it is unhealthy for their children? Wanting a break from them for a few hours is totally reasonable, but is not the same as not being able to see them and catch-up with them as you are when separated, them not being in their beds in my home at night when they are small, flies in the face of my mothering instinct, it's not obsessive, just caring.