no fault divorce! Ffs

[whymewhyme]

Just been told i can't put adlutery on divorce because of the new no fault divorce...surly theres still a choice. I was told last week by the same firm that i could still put adultery and name the OW.

Anybody know?

Just go for the no fault divorce. Why make things worse?

I think that's correct - see article here. I had assumed that the new divorce law just meant you could choose to go for a no fault divorce where both partners agreed the marriage had ended but I think it is the case that all divorces are no fault divorces from now on.

Why does it matter? It doesn’t change the settlement or what each party gets. Lots of people seem to think that if they divorce their spouse for adultery there’s some benefit to be gained but there isn’t.

Do you want a divorce or to satisfy (it won't though) your desire for revenge?

Most solicitors advise going for a no fault divorce rather than adultery in any case. If he wanted to contest it then you'd find yourself in court trying to prove the adultery (which would cost £££££), and if you've named the other woman then you'd have to prove that the adultery was with that specific woman (even more ££££).

Apart from revenge, there is no need for the extra stress and ££££; just go for no fault or irreconcilable differences.

Best to just go no fault.

It's not revenge, it's the reason our marriage ended. It's not no fault.

Save your energy for the financial fight. You might achieve something good if you put your energy into that. Putting your energy into blame won't actually achieve anything for you.

I can understand what you are saying, but at the end of the day it's best to let it go. I live in a country (Australia) where all divorces have been no-fault for decades. When I got my divorce there was plenty of adultery on his part, but it was very freeing to just get the quick divorce with no mention of it. For your own peace of mind, it's much better to make the break and get on with life. Good luck.

I can definitely understand how you feel. Many would feel the same, but I guess it's better generally to have no fault ones

Makes no difference. Literally no difference.

I think some people have visions down the line of the new wife to be finding the divorce papers, seeing it was adultery and suddenly deciding to leave the cheating bastard.

Literally no one but you, him and the court will ever really see this piece of paper or know that it says 'adultery', there's no justice to be served by wanting it stated on papers.

I can totally understand how you feel but it really makes no difference. No one other than you and your ex are ever going to really see those papers. You already know he cheated and who with, so does he. There’s no point making the divorce more complicated and inevitably more expensive just so that you can see it written down.

Its’s not ‘no fault’ as in ‘no one is at fault’, but as in ‘the fault isn’t relevant to this administrative process’.

My sister felt like this when she divorced her ex (who was an ass, don’t get me wrong) but she held the process up by months if not years by insisting that XYZ was on the papers and adding statements of blame to the financial consent order that his solicitor kept striking out as they weren’t relevant. Their solicitors went back and forth, back and forth for ages. The judge got involved, costing court fees. In the end it cost them both 10-15k each in legal fees which could have been avoided without all the wrangling. She had this obsession with having his misdeeds recorded but that’s not what divorce is ultimately for. She’s now broke and that 15k would be much better in her savings account! I’m sorry for what you are going through but it will be much better to just divorce his sorry ass and get rid of him as quickly as possible.

That’s right. Law changed a few weeks ago. You cannot get a “quickie” divorce for adultery or unreasonable behaviour. All divorces take a minimum of 26 weeks now and is simply a statement that marriage has broken down.
the principle is great….divorcing for adultery or unreasonable grounds is blaming and makes trying to reach amicable consent orders etc more difficult adding to costs.
But I was shocked that ALL divorces now take min of 26 weeks which I my view is potentially dangerous if you’re in abusive situation unless you effectively make yourself homeless. I divorced last year on unreasonable behaviour and it took 3 months- I couldn’t have done that now,l I posted on here about that when I found out just before law changed. I was really quite shocked,

The principle the law changes acknowledge is that whatever the actual trigger and who did what, a divorce is being requested because TWO People cannot resolve their differences and continue in it. The actual reason is no longer relevant. It is a mutual responsibility that is cannot be fixed. Henecenthensingle statement needed,

I agree with you OP and I was glad to have mine on the grounds of adultery. In addition it meant exH had to pay for the divorce.

Divorcing for adultery rather than unreasonable behaviour has always taken MUCH longer and been FAR more expensive. Solicitors would always advise not divorcing for adultery unless it was the ONLY ground for divorce you had open to you.

And that still applies, except that now you can simply go for a straightforward "the marriage has broken down irretrievably" rather than having to establish any specific cause.

Your solicitor would be irresponsible to let you pay more money and go through more hassle for zero gain.

With respect: no one cares. The court doesn't care, the lawyers don't care, no human being outside the court will ever know, and if they did know they wouldn't care. It doesn't affect the financial settlement. How much money are you willing to spend to try and prove this point to no-one?

I don’t think law change is really saying there were no “faults” at all…more that no one is perfect..people screw up..people do things that break the vows they made to each other. But some marriages can survive that and work it out. Others can’t. One is not better than the other..it’s just how different people react. You are reacting to say you will not continue in your marriage due to his actions…he took the actions…the 2 of you are therefore JOINTLY responsible for the DECISION to end the marriage.

only you care about the original whys..the court doesn’t and never has. Only cared that the marriage was truely broken down . And irrecoverable. historically you could only divorce in extreme circumstances and only if petitioner could prove spouse had specially broken the religious marriage vows. (All marriages required these vows in church) . As late as 1857 ONLY fault based divorces were permitted and required an act of parliament (and could only be petitioned by men!) . It was only in 1969 the concept of no fault divorce was passed into law. The fault based approach was kept to allow “quickie” process in these extreme breaks of religious marriage vows. The law has been changed to recognise that this historic vestige is outdated ..people don’t just marry in church with religious vows, they can make all sorts of vows to each other these days. And it is a joint decision to end it in the same way as it is a joint decision to get married. Women no longer have to promise to obey, and thankfully since 1937 can apply for divorcing their husbands. 1937 ffs🤦‍♀️

perhaps look at alternative way to deal with the emotions you have towards the actions your husband took. You may find it helpful to look up and undertsand the “grief Pathway”. It doesn’t just apply to death, but to any situation where the future you had anticipated massively changes and you have to adapt to a new vision of the future, that you probably didn’t want or ever think you’d find yourself in. Anger is a phase of that. It may help you to understand why you feel what you feel and how to move forwards into next stage of your life. I certainly went through the classic grief pathway in my divorce. I still bounce back into it occasionally.
You might also want to consider who is damaged most by being angry or blaming him…it is you. It’ll be water of a ducks back to him if he was prepared to break his vows. The longer you hang onto that the longer you’ll drag those painful emotions around with you like a ball and chain.

I'm pretty sure just because someone commits adultery that doesn't mean they're legally obliged to pay the cost of the divorce but, correct me if I'm wrong.

Whether you put adultery or unreasonable behaviour (or whatever the wording is now) it really doesn't matter and as a pp has said, no one really cares.

The divorce is completely separate from the financial piece and that is what I would be focussing on.

Outside of correspondence before the nisi is agreed, there is no legal recording of the reason why anyone gets divorced. Never has been.

I get it op. I really do. I was so pissed off at the reasons my exh put down for our divorce (his papers hit the court the day before mine - his were whimsical ideas of my so called faults eg helping out at playgroup meant I wasn't focused on our dc was one reason, vs his emotional/financial abuse and adultery - but my solicitor persuaded me not to contest it as it's not logged anywhere at all.

It's tough op, but there will be bigger battles ahead. Use your frustration at this to fuel your fires for the finances/child arrangements.

Yep -- can longer use 'adultery'.

I completely agree with you OP. He broke the marriage contract, you did not. It is his fault. He should have that truth on paper, as should you!

@DogsAndGin yes but the point is that “having that truth on paper” no longer legally exists in England … 🙄

My ex tried to fight our divorce because in our jurisdiction it said we had irreconcilable differences and he thought I didn’t give marriage counseling enough of a try before leaving. It’s pointless and a waste a money to argue with standard, boilerplate paperwork.

If you want to get technical. It’s rare that a marriage ends purely because of infidelity. Infidelity is a symptom of larger problems. Those problems may be more one person’s fault than the other’s, but you have never been able to put something like, “my husband is a narcissist who never considered my needs, drove a wedge between us, and then committed adultery.”