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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Everyone in denial of my wish to separate!

43 replies

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 22:38

Having been in counselling myself for over 3 years, I finally came to the realisation that my relationship with DP (10 years together) has to end and that I'm utterly miserable with him. My counsellor is in full support of my final decision.

We have 2 children together 4 and 8. Trying to get DP to acknowledge and realise that I'm serious, that I want to separate is hard enough. He's ignoring everything. This is after him not trying in our relationship for 3 years and repeated warnings from me that it would end if he didn't start making an effort.

I am now having to write letters to him despite still living together, communicating everything in writing of my plans and what needs to happen next, but he's ignoring all of that too. I feel trapped.

I've told my own Dad and brothers that I'm initiating separation from him and I've been told that DP is a good guy, I could do "a lot worse." No understanding or support whatsoever even when I tell them the backstory of how unhappy I am and have been for so long.

Today, my SILs visited (DPs sisters) and DP wasn't here. They told me they're organising a party for their Dad and DPs joint birthdays and I had to tell them. They had no idea.
They started crying. They said they see me as a sister etc.
I explained how unhappy I'd been and all I kept hearing was "all men are like this, it's just how it is, you just need a night away together..." I had to tell them I don't love him anymore or even like him anymore that I wanted to move on with my life as a single mum and they were in complete denial. I told them I feel trapped and they told me they often do and that going for a drive in the car helps!!

I knew it would be like this. I've avoided speaking to them about it but had to today because of the plans they're making. They're completely delusional. His whole family are. Always making out things are wonderful when they aren't. And they all seem to think that DP is this wonderful guy and he isn't!

I have the support of a couple of friends, my mum and my manager from work so I'm not completely on my own, but everyone else is in complete denial about the separation including DP!

I feel like I'm pushing boulders to get this separation underway but members of both families and DP himself seem to think that I'm just going to let this go, that its some sort of phase I'm going through and that I've got it all wrong because DPs some great guy!

He isn't great to me and hasn't been in years. My counsellor refers to his behaviour as emotional and mental torment.

It feels such a battle with so many in denial about my wish to separate... my SILs are wanting to "have a little chat" with DP and I've said noooooo!! I don't want him anymore, regardless of what he does now, for me, it's over! Too much has happened and I've been far too unhappy for too long.

I live in a small village where all of DPs family live where nobody seems to get divorced. All DPs family have remained (many unhappily) married. It's like the Victorian times! My dad and brothers are sexist misogynists in my opinion. I know I don't have to care what other people think, but it just makes the whole ordeal so much harder!

Any advice?

OP posts:

PragmaticWench · 09/05/2022 22:44

No advice but I really feel for you!! It sounds like one of those weird dreams where you're speaking a different language to everyone else and they don't realise.

Stay firm though, your counsellor sounds useful. Can you move out or do you need your DP to leave?

Rollercoaster1920 · 09/05/2022 22:49

So much talk and planning. Move out, then it is real. They are probably well meaning but think you are after a reaction or their support to get your husband to change.
Actions speak louder than words.

I appreciate you may not want to move out for financial reasons/ divorce tactics though.

Original poster

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 22:52

It is like one of those dreams @PragmaticWench! I wish I could wake up!

He needs to move out initially as he has somewhere to go and I don't. I booked valuers in and said we would just get the house up for sale if he won't go and he said if I do that, he'll cancel them and refuse to let them in!

I've told him this is now entrapment and I have a right to end this.

It would be much easier if I atleast had some support but I definitely none of that from the majority of family members. I told my neighbour too that I'm planning to separate from him and she was shocked. Told me that it's not the answer. It's as if I'm committing a crime! I've been very open with SILs in the past about DPs behaviour and always they play it down and minimise my upset. So it's hardly a massive shock to them.

OP posts:

MarvellousMay · 09/05/2022 22:53

Focus on what you want and ignore the rest.
Do go and get legal advice now in case he drags his heels in.
Start the ball rolling. Your biggest obstacle will be housing. What’s your situation?

RingRingRed · 09/05/2022 22:57

You are just going to have to find somewhere for you and DC to go if he won't move out.

Show him, and everyone else you are serious.

It sounds tough OP but you must know that not everyone is going to agree with your decision. To wait for their approval!

BuanoKubiamVej · 09/05/2022 22:58

I agree with @Rollercoaster1920 you need to stop planning and actually act. Move out. He's refused to engage with your planning so you'll just have to go with whatever options seem workable in terms of childcare. Once you've moved out the idea of ignoring you simply can't work any more.

Original poster

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 22:59

That's the problem @Rollercoaster1920 with moving out but like you say, it may be the only way they'll listen. I have a place I can stay for a week during May half term when the children are off school which might be enough to get him to see that I'm serious if I moved out to make a point. But I can't go until the children are off school as it's 12 miles away from their school and much further for my work. He wouldn't make the children stay so far away from their school and he may think I'm serious about staying after half term if I take them.

He may then move out. He can have a lounge and two bedrooms to himself at his parents house as a short term fix until the house is sold and MIL would love to have him back!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2022 23:01

I assume the house is in both your names? I know officially you can't kick him out but might it be worth trying it to shock him into reality? Pack him some bags, get a locksmith in whilst he's out and leave the bags on the door?

What's the bedroom situation? Are you still sharing a bed? Can you move the kids around and move out of the bedroom?

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 09/05/2022 23:11

Are you married?

I would start divorce proceedings

If not you will have to rent somewhere until the house is sold.

Do you have joint finances?

How long have you been talking about this

It may be that he's used to the talk of it now and will not react or engage until it happens

Ie. Why deal with it until he has to. He's probably used to ignoring you and living in denial. It's probably preferable to him that talking and keeps you around for longer for domestics and childcare

Original poster

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 23:13

Yes house is equally owned. We haven't shared a bed in 3 years, a set up he's quite at home with!

It's such a balance trying to keep things civil for the sake of the children and actually getting free of him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 23:14

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail we're not married.

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 23:31

You're not married? How do you own the house, joint tenants? Just start by sorting the practical aspects. Get estate agents over when he is not there if you need to sell. Maybe see a lawyer and get a separation agreement. If there is any abuse, violence or threats call the police and involve them.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/relationship-problems-s/ending-a-relationship-when-you-re-living-together-s/

Minimalme · 10/05/2022 07:54

I think much of the problem is that you aren't married so you can't divorce.

However, you may need to get legal help to work out proceeds from the sale.

Hopefully you are both on the deeds?

I am not sure that it is fair to ask him to leave as it is his home too and he wants the relationship to continue.

You just need to get the house sold and move.

gingembre · 10/05/2022 08:06

I am in a similar situation, but married and it's been longer.

Don't tell anybody else, their opinions don't count anyway. If they think he's so great then they can go live with him.

I'd suggest getting some free legal advice (and post on Legal too) on the off chance there's a way through this that isn't obvious to people who don't know the relevant laws around shared property.

Original poster

Lovabelle · 10/05/2022 10:38

But you can't be forced to continue a relationship you don't want @Minimalme ?

He won't let me put the house up for sale. I've tried so I feel trapped here.

OP posts:

VanCleefArpels · 10/05/2022 10:43

He doesn’t have to “let” you sell. You can force a sale. Get legal advice. By spending so much time talking and not doing people will think you are not serious. Show them you are serious. Talk to your council housing office about accommodation choices.

starrynight21 · 10/05/2022 10:49

Less talk, more action. See a lawyer.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/05/2022 10:50

I'm afraid if you are the one who wants the relationship to end, then you have to be the one to leave. He has no impetus or need to do so (nor do you have any legal recourse to make him). I had almost exactly the same situation as you and never occured to me that anything other tham me leaving would make our seperation a reality.

Dissimilitude · 10/05/2022 10:53

I'd echo what others are saying - these people can't physically stop you from doing whatever you want - you just have to do it.

If you're waiting for their approval / agreement, you'll be waiting a long time by the sounds of things.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2022 10:53

Lovabelle · 09/05/2022 23:13

Yes house is equally owned. We haven't shared a bed in 3 years, a set up he's quite at home with!

It's such a balance trying to keep things civil for the sake of the children and actually getting free of him!

OK so you're single already. Tell people you have broken the relationship off but are living in the same house until the sale goes through. Tell him the same.

. Start telling people the relationship is FINISHED not finishing. You're now two people living in the same house.

Physically it won't make any difference but mentally it will because he CAN'T force you to be I na relationship. You don't want to be in it so it's over NOW.

How are bills and child care sorted?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 10:57

You and he both own the house so he doesn't actually have to leave. If you don't want to be with him any more, then make the plans to move. Check to see if you can claim any additional benefits as a separated person, see a solicitor about forcing the house move, and find somewhere local to rent with space for the kids. Presumably they will move between you and him 50/50.

Minimalme · 10/05/2022 11:04

I didn't say you should continue the relationship.

I am trying to say that rather than putting your energy into getting him out of the house or convincing him the relationship is over, you can only sell up and move on.

MoreProseccoNow · 10/05/2022 11:26

I had one like this sadly.

He refused to move out, I couldn't (no family nearby, expensive area).

It took 2 years to sort out the legal side of things, during which time we still lived together. It was awful.

There was a thread on here a wee while back about how abusive men never leave the home.

Happityhap · 10/05/2022 11:35

VanCleefArpels · 10/05/2022 10:43

This.

YOU have to take action.
Stop waiting for unanimous approval from everyone else - it won't happen.

Get legal advice on selling - he can't stop a sale if you want it

CloudPine · 10/05/2022 11:39

Stick to your guns, chick. You don’t need permission to leave a toxic situation. 💪

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