Everyone in denial of my wish to separate!

[Lovabelle]

Having been in counselling myself for over 3 years, I finally came to the realisation that my relationship with DP (10 years together) has to end and that I'm utterly miserable with him. My counsellor is in full support of my final decision.

We have 2 children together 4 and 8. Trying to get DP to acknowledge and realise that I'm serious, that I want to separate is hard enough. He's ignoring everything. This is after him not trying in our relationship for 3 years and repeated warnings from me that it would end if he didn't start making an effort.

I am now having to write letters to him despite still living together, communicating everything in writing of my plans and what needs to happen next, but he's ignoring all of that too. I feel trapped.

I've told my own Dad and brothers that I'm initiating separation from him and I've been told that DP is a good guy, I could do "a lot worse." No understanding or support whatsoever even when I tell them the backstory of how unhappy I am and have been for so long.

Today, my SILs visited (DPs sisters) and DP wasn't here. They told me they're organising a party for their Dad and DPs joint birthdays and I had to tell them. They had no idea.
They started crying. They said they see me as a sister etc.
I explained how unhappy I'd been and all I kept hearing was "all men are like this, it's just how it is, you just need a night away together..." I had to tell them I don't love him anymore or even like him anymore that I wanted to move on with my life as a single mum and they were in complete denial. I told them I feel trapped and they told me they often do and that going for a drive in the car helps!!

I knew it would be like this. I've avoided speaking to them about it but had to today because of the plans they're making. They're completely delusional. His whole family are. Always making out things are wonderful when they aren't. And they all seem to think that DP is this wonderful guy and he isn't!

I have the support of a couple of friends, my mum and my manager from work so I'm not completely on my own, but everyone else is in complete denial about the separation including DP!

I feel like I'm pushing boulders to get this separation underway but members of both families and DP himself seem to think that I'm just going to let this go, that its some sort of phase I'm going through and that I've got it all wrong because DPs some great guy!

He isn't great to me and hasn't been in years. My counsellor refers to his behaviour as emotional and mental torment.

It feels such a battle with so many in denial about my wish to separate... my SILs are wanting to "have a little chat" with DP and I've said noooooo!! I don't want him anymore, regardless of what he does now, for me, it's over! Too much has happened and I've been far too unhappy for too long.

I live in a small village where all of DPs family live where nobody seems to get divorced. All DPs family have remained (many unhappily) married. It's like the Victorian times! My dad and brothers are sexist misogynists in my opinion. I know I don't have to care what other people think, but it just makes the whole ordeal so much harder!

Any advice?

Well you are in a little bit of denial yourself if you think he will willingly move out because that would be most convenient for you. If you want it to be over then you need to leave.

I didn't tell anyone really it was happening until firm plans were in place and we HAD seperated; the mistake you made was creating a space in which others felt there was an opportunity to change your mind. This is especially likely to happen if your partner is not particularly awful or if it's just that your feelings have changed. People don't think that deeply about the minutae of other people's relationship and if it presents as 'grand' then people will assume it is and then scramble to catch up with reality for a while. And they may never 'get it' but they don't need to. But that in itself is very tough to deal with, no question. I often think my seperation would have been easier in that respect if my ex had been an out and out prick, as it was many people didn't get it and still don't. But they don't have to live my life.

Get busy with life's purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue...

Marcus Aurelius

It sounds like you have been talking about this for years but without taking any action - if that is the case then it's not really surprising that no-one takes you seriously. If you want to separate then it's up to you to leave, not just for a token week but to take permanent action.

He's just going to do nothing and hope you'll do nothing too.

Looks like you'll have to move out and get legal advice on how to force a sale.

Get legal advice re forcing the sale of the house.
Your solicitor will write a letter. The a letter before action. Next she will send in the application to the courts.

Are you joint tenants, or tenants in common. If you are joint tenants you may wish to sever the joint tenancy as your share will go to him if you die. You solicitor can help with all this.

I'd move out. You will have to anyway unless you were hoping he'd say you could have the house and he'd live with his parents?
I'd take the 12 miles away place and commute for this term then look at where you may wish to relocate to. It sounds like all his family live where you are now so perhaps a new area would be beneficial. You can then look for new schools for September start.

I agree with some PP.

He has shown you he won't make things easy. In some ways, he has the back up of his family too.

Time to go down the legal route. If the aim is to sell the house anyway, I'd look at rentals for you to move out too.

Btw, he has moved out of your bed 3 years ago. He has never listened to you, what you had to say etc... He isnt going to listen to you now because you want to get divorced. If anything, he is going to listen to you LESS because you won't even be his partner anymore iyswim.

You will have to be the one to drive the split all the way. Take action. See a lawyer for the house sale. Move out yourself in a rental place. Don't make half hearted actions such as going away for a week. He isnt going to bite that. And you are still fooling yourself in thinking he will do as you ask. He WON'T (because he never has!).
Plus by waiting for him to leave etc.. you are giving him a power he shouldn't have. The one to say NO. The one to slow down your process. Which he is using to its best effect! You need to take back full control of your life instead of letting him dictating what it will be. As long as you are waring/hoping/asking him to move out, you are making him the one in charge of your life. Don't.

You absolutely need to take charge and push forward with forcing sale of the house.

Only you can decide if you can face living in the same house easily that happens. Financially how will you cope if you move out into rented?

Could he afford to buy you out?

He will just have to buy you out if he won't sell the house. Have it valued, don't tell him when you do this, and find something for yourself and the kids to rent. It won't be perfect from the start, but it will be for the better in the long term. I know you said he can go and live with his mum, but if he doesn't want to, you can't force him unfortunately. He has as much right to the house as you do at this stage.

Are you financially independent OP?

At this point the delay is down to you.

He won’t move out, so you will need to take legal advice on the sale of your shared property, and arrangements for your DC, and proceed as advised.

Unrealistic to expect his family to ‘get it’. As your own family don’t either, best seek support from elsewhere, eg your counsellor, friends who ‘get it’ and MN!

Wouldn’t move out: would cohabit and tell everyone - including DC - that you’ve separated. pending legal agreement re the house sale and DC.

@Lovabelle I could have written this post myself. I initiated separation last October but was convinced to 'try again' by other half, nothing changed no conversation about us etc etc so tackled a separation 2 weeks ago and other half just doesn't get it. Putting me on a massive guilt trip saying I'm ruining his lives and the kids lives and how can I throw everything away everything HE has worked so hard for etc etc feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall it is so hard and draining. He's accusing me of leaving him in limbo but I've been honest from the start he keeps writing me these long letters declaring his love for me, crying etc

Trying to get the courage to be tough myself and put myself first and believe in my decision but it's so tough.

Im here for you be strong and do what you need to do follow your gut instinct xx

he’s just a boyfriend so the only thing that’ll need done is selling the house, which you should obviously have got legal advice about. It’s no one else’s business.

I'm financially independent but don't have a lot of spare money. I know I can get 30 minutes free with a solicitor but what about the rest? How do I afford it?

I will warn you now, you will become a bit battle-hardened by what's to come, but that's no bad thing. You've absolutely made the right decision, but don't fall for the old "you're breaking up the family, it's your decision" malarkey. Where there has been mistreatment or any kind of emotional or physical abuse, or emotional neglect, then he is the culpable one. He did the breaking.

Ditch his relatives. They don't have your back and will probably turn on you/ he will tell them lies about you at some point. Also, be prepared to just not discuss the issue with your dad and brothers. Don't explain, don't try to justify your decision with them. It won't work, and it undermines your position because it makes it sound like you're not sure yourself, and feel the need to apologise/ get acceptance.

Definitely get a shit hot lawyer and start proceedings.

Flowers for you for making the hardest, bravest decision.

The costs of legal advice are an investment in your future. Read up online about the legal matters and get tips, then proceed. This won’t be achieved otherwise.

@Goawayangryman I’m not the OP, but this is exactly what I needed to hear today, thank you. In fact, I’m going to bookmark your wise words🙂