Abusive Ex Husband won't return our daughter

[Seaspiritspen]

would like some advice from other mothers...and fathers as well if they can help.

Six weeks ago I found out that the cancer I managed to get rid of back in 2018 has possibly come back, this time in my bowel. I am still awaiting 10 biopsies for results. This caused a lot of tension and anxiety at home but I did not want to tell my children until I had confirmation and what my prognosis was like. It was an upsetting time and my kids knew something was wrong. Despite the issues, we went on a short family break to whitby for the weekend and had a great time taking loads of pics etc.

My 12 year old daughter was tired on the monday after weekend away, and did not want to go to school to which I explained she couldn't have anymore time off considering she had recently had covid. She left the house to walk to school. I believed she was there all day, as you would do. Just before the end of school I got a call from her father to say:- 'she no longer wants to live with you and I picked her up this morning on her way to school, she will be staying with me for the time being.'

Obviously I was upset as I believed my daughter was in school all day. I tried to call her but got no answer. He took her and kept her off school for four days. He told the school I had given permission for this which I had not. I still had not spoken to her at this point so I called the police and social services as well as the school. They advised me to call the police and they would intervene. They forced her father to bring her to school the next day. The social services told me they would allocate a worker and be in touch as soon as possible but like all things was delayed due to covid.

My daughter then reached out to me wanting to come home and arranged to walk home after school. When she did she told me she needed a break from the issues at home (me ill, dad ill etc) but it was not permanent and she loved me lots and missed me. I said that it was fine to stay with her father for a break and we could sort more allocated days for her dad to have her if she missed him. She went back to her dad's and discussed more time with him. I agreed she could spend another week with him and then come home for a week and rotate till she felt less stressed.

I arranged to take her out over the Easter holidays and to places she asked me she wanted to go, people she wanted to see etc and in her messages she seemed very excited about. Only the day came and she never arrived. I had a message from her father saying she had changed her mind and didn't want to see me anymore!

I have not been allowed to speak with her since. I have tried going to get her but he resisted and police would not get involved unless violent. The soonest I can get a solicitor to take action is this Thursday. Considering I have always had our daughter normally 70/30 since we agreed in divorce, this is the longest she ever been away from me. The phone I pay for and the GPS child tracker (for walking to school) have been deactivated from his end. I did not have a new address for her father either, he has moved three times since September but got it eventually after asking many times for social services. I don't know where my daughter is or how she feeling really about all this.

I have not seen my beautiful daughter properly without him hovering over her for 6 weeks! He has alienated her from me in some kind of revenge for moving on with my life. He abducted her and i expect is manipulating her into stopping contact with me. Social services are involved despite him resisting but they have to build up trust with my daughtee before she will speak openly and he won't allow her to do this away from his 1 bed flat (which he shares with a new girlfriend of 8 months and my daughter only known for 4 months).

My history with him has been one of domestic abuse, not violent I stress, but manipulating controlling style to the point I felt like I was insane and felt suicdal. He was also an alcoholic which he refused help for but I got anyway. All documented. He also didn't pay me any maintenance for some time owing me over £2000. He still withholds and pays when he feels like in another form of control.

I am at my wits end that my daughter is being subjected to the same control and manipulation yet the police will not do anything! I will be going to court, I will expose him for what he really is as image is everything to him but surely a sane seperated father would always encourage their children to keep in touch with the other parent in this situation? So I am sick and awaiting my biopsies and I'm missing my daughter who was stolen and I have no means to get her without being arrested! He knows about my illness too and is using it as an excuse to keep her away all the more...aka better get her used to living with him as I might not be around much longer.

Any advice right now would be appreciated.

Oh wow, that is awful for both you and your DD. I am so sorry that you are going through such a crap time, and I wish that I had even a few useful words for you, but sadly I have none.

I do hope that you get some of the excellent mumsnetters along soon who have so much up-to-date experience and knowledge of such matters, but in the meantime know that you and your DD are kept in my heart, and that I am attempting to send you lots of positive energies.

You don't need verification that your ex is a prick of the highest order, but he is, and I hope that both the police and SS will see that very soon. Please continue to post here if only for support, but as I said before, I am hoping that you get some very useful advice, and very soon.

Thank you for your answer. I am very grateful, I am so beside myself it feels unreal! I am astonished that mothers have no support or orders in place that restrict this happening. I have to wait to go to court before I can have her back. I could of course steal her home but I don't want to lower myself to the same tactics and my mindset is no further distress to my daughter. Its such a horrible thing to be seperated from your daughter, we were and I hope still are very close. Xx

Is she still going to school? Could you not meet her from school one day to check she's ok? I know you don't want to "steal" her back, but I'd have to check she was alright if I hadn't even spoken to her in 6 weeks

Hello

Thank you for your response. Yes she is still going to school but only from yesterday, he kept her off before Easter hols and continued but school and social services forced him to bring her to school for stability. I spoke to school on Monday and they said I could go and see her but when they asked her she had a meltdown and said her dad would get upset if she saw me behind his back. Not wanting to upset distress her further (especially at school in front of her friends) I just spoke with school head of year instead who said she would keep me informed of her wellbeing or let me know if she will see me or says she wants to go home. School know his history so know its a delicate situation and they aggravate him he won't bring her to school at all which is safest place for her to voice her feelings away from.him. it's a patience thing I think but I'm so worried about her its very hard. Xx

This was hard to read. How terrifying for you and beyond upsetting.

Can you text her daily during school hours to reiterate that you love her and you just want to know she's safe.

Thank you for your response.

I text her every day but she does not respond. She is not allowed her phone during school hours (they must be kept in locker all day) and then he has grabbed her and monitors his phone so she never responds but as long as I keep messaging and telling her I love her I know she will keep me I'm her heart. I send her voice messages of love and funny jokes to keep her spirits up along with quotes for mums and daughters. I also send videos of her pets and keep her informed of the daily activities within the family. Even if she never sees it I know I have tried to reach her and worked daily to get her back home. I have a solicitors meeting tomorrow and IDAS have sent confirmation that I was domestically abused by my ex and that my daughter is possibly now enduring the same emotional control and manipulation since he took her. Fingers crossed tomorrow will see a non molestation order go to court and mandatory return of my daughter will be granted otherwise he will be arrested. I can't see how any sane father would prevent access and communication to a mother and think it's OK to do so. He is a truely misguided and damaged man and although I feel sorry for my daughter losing her father I cannot let this go on and put her at risk. He had brought this on himself as I keep reminding myself. I never thought he would stoop this low to be honest but his mother died recently and I think this has sent him over the top making irrational decisions and believing himself to be untouchable either that or he doesn't care anymore what happens. When ever anything bad happens in his life he comes to get me and begins a new reign of torture. Whilst I am sorry his mum died it cannot be an excuse for such abuse, if anything it has just made him worse and less fearful. My poor beautiful daughter is caught up in all this as well.

Again thank you for everyone's input so far. It's has helped to hear people's thoughts on the matter. I second guess myself a lot due to his abuse and making out I am the one in the wrong but I know this is all part of the cycle he plans for me, that even if his torture doesn't work ill still torture myself for not doing more or getting help earlier. I should have gained full custody all along but I thoughtmy daughter needed both of us as so many family workers advise.

Anyway fingers crossed that thing smove forward tomorrow/today. I can't sleep for worrying about my girl 😪.

Cheers all xx

Have you received any legal advice around this? You may be able to apply for a court order to have your daughter returned to you. I believe what you may need is a child arrangement order.

Good luck, thinking of you x

How did today go OP?

It went well and I feel less anxious. The solicitors are sending out a letter via email and post tomorrow to my ex stating that he must return her by Monday. If he doesn't comply then it will go to court and it will be enforced aka arrested if he doesn't comply again. After this the court will then decide what action to take as per his child access going forward as per not subjecting either my daughter or myself to any further abuse or alienation.

The only thing that I am concerned about now is how long it will take and the effect that time taken will have on my daughter as the more she is alienated the more unwell emotionally she has become. Luckily the solicitors are well rehearsed in such matters and have seen this before with abusive ex spouses, so I now know I WILL have her back and that at the very most he will be granted the originally arrangement we had 70/30 but the solicitors feel that this is likely to be reduced as at the moment he has no seperate room for her in his 1 bed Flat (no children allowed) so no sleepovers making it more of a 90/10 agreement until he can provide this. Then he would have to pay to go back to court to plea for an amendment so she could sleep over again.

I feel much better but it still doesn't stop the damage already done but it will prevent further so thats all I have to keep thinking about.

I must praise IDAS for their support, they documented all my abuse at the time of our marriage and sent it to the solicitors as well as a covering letter. Also the school are sending a supporting letter confirming that my daughter has been underperforming since he took her. Poor thing missing her mum! He such an idiot, a responsible parent would always encourage their children to speak to the other parent, rather then try to enforce the child to cut ties altogether. It's just silly. He just lucky for my daughters sake I am not cutting access altogether! Although the solicitors say he may only be allowed supervised visits for a time depending on how my daughter has been affected by his behaviour.
I will keep you all informed as to whether there is any come back tomorrow once he gets the letter. I half want to send my assement for abusive from our marriage to his certified therapist girlfriend...she needs to know he abusive but at same time is that stooping low? I think of it as saving the woman from what I went through, but it may not look like that to some and to be honest I just want to move on and get rid of them out my life for good. I suppose she is now 'involved' by enabling my ex to keep my daughter away from me. So I don't know.

Anyway as I say I'll posy tomorrow if there is any further backlash due to him receiving the letter to comply.

Thanks again for the support.

Does his gf have dc?

That all sounds positive and I'm so glad you have advice and hope. It's a nightmare for you to live through. I hope the bastard gets what's coming to him and you and your daughter can move on from this.

Don't contact the girlfriend. Keep the positive moral high ground. Don't do anything that could muddy your name in all of this.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. You sound like a fantastic mum and I'm glad you got some positive news from your solicitor. Hopefully she will be home soon.

My cousin is going through the same thing with her DS. Went to ex's for the weekend 5 months ago and refused to return him. Cousin is now going through Court. Since Court ex has ramped up abuse and threats and despite Court Order saying cousin must have regular contact by facetime and meeting up, ex has not answered the phone to cousin for over 6 weeks now nor has she seen DS. From previous contact there is definite PA going on. What is it with these men that think they can do what they want to the detriment of their children's mental health. Makes me so angry

This is stomach churning stuff. I'm so glad that you're getting practical support from those in a position to help. The school seem to be handling this really well, giving her a safe space, and supporting you without risking her attendance. I'm so glad that there are clear and reliable records of his abuse.

Also wishing you the best with your health, OP.

I'm glad you seem to have a decent solicitor that will fight for your DDs best interests.

Keep on keeping on

Can't you go and meet her from school and talk to her?

Read OP's posts. School was going to facilitate that, but DD freaked out at the possibility of her dad finding out.

No she doesn't have any children at all. She is 39. She seems nice enough but ahe doesn't get it I suppose what it is to have a child, the biological pull. Basically the two of them have never parented a child before full time let alone a teen girl who is on periods (she started at 11 poor thing).
I have am 18 year old son, 18 year old step daughter and a 16 year old step daughter. I've been through the usual teen agro with all of them but this has been the worst experience of my life as a mum.
I just wish I'd stop doubting myself and keep saying it's for her best interests. He gets in my head that's all, twists me up inside so I become unsure of myself. He tells me that of I go legal I am putting out daughter through worse so that's makes me a bad parent.

I just want her home and safe really. Xx

Has he had the letter and email? Has he responded in any way?

Good evening

Yes I was blind CC into the email that was sent. Tactfully my solicitor sent it towards the end of the day so he would not be able to get a solicitor for Monday, plus Monday is Bank Holiday as well so he not going to get a chance to get a solicitor in time for him to comply or choose not to.

Also the school was given all my history of domestic abuse by him in order to safeguard my DD whom they believe is under his influence and control.

There has been no comeback as of yet from ot being sent but I imagine he too annoyed to respond without showing his true colours to his girlfriend and possibly making a mistake by being aggressive to me...he will sit on it silently screwed and churned up inside and that makes me much happier!

I half expect him to not comply but then again I don't think he will risk court for again fear of exposure (expecially because I have lots of evidence). It's 50/50 and so far he been irrational every time so....I just hope my DD is OK, that's all I want is for her to come out of this unscathed. I would happily take that burden from her, all the abuse she may be under so I hope he bring sher back but if he doesn't I will fight fight fight to get her back where she belongs! Although I can't imagine it being a huge fight the way the courts see kidnapping he lucky he doesn't get time because he her parent.

Thanks again will let you know any more info as it comes. Xx

I’m sorry, this sounds like it would be hard to go through even without the health worries. Keeping everything crossed you have her back on Monday.

And news @Seaspiritspen ? Been wondering about you all day.

Hope everything has gone to plan

Really hope everything went well today and that your daughter is safe back home now .

Evening

Well I am sorry to say that we have had no word, nor has she been returned. This means I have to wait even longer before my beautiful girl is returned to me. He will fight to the death irrespective of what anyone else including my DD will want.

Luckily I expected as such and my solicitors warned me this was likely. They have already begun work for my case to begin so fingers crossed an emergency residence order will be passed through court tomorrow, latest wednesday. There is a possibility that the court may think that it does not count as an Emergency and therefore make it urgent which could take more time but my solicitors are hoping that the fact that she has been now totally cut from me that they will approve and also that he has not responded to the polite warning to return her.

Honestly I have been very upset and nervous all day and I just dont know what to expect tomorrow when the courts open (and the school). School have been informed of the abuse and the fact he been told to return her so that if she attends school tomorrow they must facilitate her being handed over to me at the end of school. The likely hood though is that he will not take her to school so that cant happen and until I have the court order in hand the police can not enforce it by arresting him or removing the daughter into my care.

This has been the most harrowing experience of my life and I feel so terrible that I should have protected my DD as soon as I divorced the idiot. I would have had grounds then with the abuse but I felt my DD needed her dad and never thought his shit would go so far as to psychologically transfer to our daughter in my absence. I feel so helpless and yet if she is returned how will she be when returned to me? My poor child may have had to endure all sorts of ear bashing about me and her step dad, she may fear being with us. I hold on to the thought of our love and closeness only 2 months back and hope to God that she can remember how that felt and this should bring her around. I expect her to run into my arms but at the same time I fear the opposite may happen and she resents me. Its a no win situation for a mother really this, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't act.

thank you for thinking of me. I will try check in again tomorrow evening but if things have gone wrong or right I may not be free to do so.

Much love - squeeze your children, pets and loved ones tight for you never know how easily they can slip away from you.

Seaspirit xx

Oh thats awful. Im so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Fingers crossed the courts work quickly for you, the fact thst he has a history of abuse and has completely cut her off from you should surely work in your favour.

Good luck xx