Abusive Ex Husband won't return our daughter

[Seaspiritspen]

would like some advice from other mothers...and fathers as well if they can help.

Six weeks ago I found out that the cancer I managed to get rid of back in 2018 has possibly come back, this time in my bowel. I am still awaiting 10 biopsies for results. This caused a lot of tension and anxiety at home but I did not want to tell my children until I had confirmation and what my prognosis was like. It was an upsetting time and my kids knew something was wrong. Despite the issues, we went on a short family break to whitby for the weekend and had a great time taking loads of pics etc.

My 12 year old daughter was tired on the monday after weekend away, and did not want to go to school to which I explained she couldn't have anymore time off considering she had recently had covid. She left the house to walk to school. I believed she was there all day, as you would do. Just before the end of school I got a call from her father to say:- 'she no longer wants to live with you and I picked her up this morning on her way to school, she will be staying with me for the time being.'

Obviously I was upset as I believed my daughter was in school all day. I tried to call her but got no answer. He took her and kept her off school for four days. He told the school I had given permission for this which I had not. I still had not spoken to her at this point so I called the police and social services as well as the school. They advised me to call the police and they would intervene. They forced her father to bring her to school the next day. The social services told me they would allocate a worker and be in touch as soon as possible but like all things was delayed due to covid.

My daughter then reached out to me wanting to come home and arranged to walk home after school. When she did she told me she needed a break from the issues at home (me ill, dad ill etc) but it was not permanent and she loved me lots and missed me. I said that it was fine to stay with her father for a break and we could sort more allocated days for her dad to have her if she missed him. She went back to her dad's and discussed more time with him. I agreed she could spend another week with him and then come home for a week and rotate till she felt less stressed.

I arranged to take her out over the Easter holidays and to places she asked me she wanted to go, people she wanted to see etc and in her messages she seemed very excited about. Only the day came and she never arrived. I had a message from her father saying she had changed her mind and didn't want to see me anymore!

I have not been allowed to speak with her since. I have tried going to get her but he resisted and police would not get involved unless violent. The soonest I can get a solicitor to take action is this Thursday. Considering I have always had our daughter normally 70/30 since we agreed in divorce, this is the longest she ever been away from me. The phone I pay for and the GPS child tracker (for walking to school) have been deactivated from his end. I did not have a new address for her father either, he has moved three times since September but got it eventually after asking many times for social services. I don't know where my daughter is or how she feeling really about all this.

I have not seen my beautiful daughter properly without him hovering over her for 6 weeks! He has alienated her from me in some kind of revenge for moving on with my life. He abducted her and i expect is manipulating her into stopping contact with me. Social services are involved despite him resisting but they have to build up trust with my daughtee before she will speak openly and he won't allow her to do this away from his 1 bed flat (which he shares with a new girlfriend of 8 months and my daughter only known for 4 months).

My history with him has been one of domestic abuse, not violent I stress, but manipulating controlling style to the point I felt like I was insane and felt suicdal. He was also an alcoholic which he refused help for but I got anyway. All documented. He also didn't pay me any maintenance for some time owing me over £2000. He still withholds and pays when he feels like in another form of control.

I am at my wits end that my daughter is being subjected to the same control and manipulation yet the police will not do anything! I will be going to court, I will expose him for what he really is as image is everything to him but surely a sane seperated father would always encourage their children to keep in touch with the other parent in this situation? So I am sick and awaiting my biopsies and I'm missing my daughter who was stolen and I have no means to get her without being arrested! He knows about my illness too and is using it as an excuse to keep her away all the more...aka better get her used to living with him as I might not be around much longer.

Any advice right now would be appreciated.

Has she gone to school? He sounds absolutely vile. I'm so sorry for you.

Hello All.

Sorry its been a while since I last gave an update. Unfortunately things have just gone on and on. My DD has still not been returned and although my ex got some legal advice and sent a letter in response to my solicitors letter in the first instance (and after four days) we were told he would respond properly by Friday just gone. This did not happen and my solicitor chased his solicitor all today for a response but still received nothing. Therefore the emergency court order has been raised and is being submitted tomorrow morning.

IDAS have intervened and has called in the CPS to act immediately to return my DD home. They have also contacted the Police to perform a welfare check on the household where she is located/living with her father. The school have been supportive and have acted unbiased until IDAS reached out to safeguard my girl. After the family courts, IDAS want me to have my ex convicted for the criminal offense of Coercive Control, something they believe I have enough evidence for but my thoughts are with my DD and the effect of this on her. I mean I would be happy if the courts think that he can no longer have access until she can request it at 16 Years but what are the long term effects on my DD if I send her father to prison? I understand that I would be saving others and also protecting her as well but I honestly just want my daughter back and thats it. I love her and miss her so much its painful. I don't sleep and I don't do anything because I need to be near my phone in case there is any change or better yet she contacts me herself. I would love your opinions on this, I dont think my mind is strong enough to make a decision on this part but then again I think its habitual guilt feeling he always made me feel whenever I challenged him. He would be like 'why would you do that to me? DD needs me as her father. you carry this out and she will hate you forever.' That kind of threat keeps ringing in my ears and causing self doubt. I really wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future and what the long term effects of this foolish behavior has had on her.

I must say that through all this my own health has deteriorated (I still have no results from my biopsies despite leaving VM) and I am throwing up daily, cant stomach food and struggling to swallow due to what feels like something lodged in my throat CONSTANTLY. I haven't had the time to chase up my own health issues as I have been so consumed with my DD welfare that my own health has to take a step back.

I hope everyone else is doing ok and that all your children are lovely and safe where they belong. Fingers crossed in a few days she too will back safe and sound.

Thanks again for support.
Seaspirit. xx

I’m so sorry things have been dragging on and on. I hope the emergency court order has gone through and she is either home with you now or the ball is rolling to have her home ASAP.

In terms of whether to have your ex convicted, I guess nobody can make the decision for you but I will say that if he was convicted you absolutely would not have been the one to ‘put him in prison.’ If he was convicted then he put himself in prison through his own illegal actions, it would absolutely not be your fault if he was convicted regardless of whether you were the one to press charges. It would be his fault for committing the offences. You would have nothing to feel guilty about and hopefully your DD would realise the same; is it possible to have some counselling/ therapy after she is back with you as it sounds like this will all have been traumatic for her and it’s likely going to be hard to process, especially given his coercive control. She would likely benefit from a neutral person to talk to so she can unpick her feelings around this without feeling like she’s taking sides for recognising her Dad’s actions for what they are.

Sending you strength and really hoping your DD is home with you soon, if she’s not already

My daughter is still with my ex. The Judge decided it didnt warrant an emergency residency order so I have to wait till June 28th for the first hearing at the family court.

I am beside myself to be honest. No one will help. I am her mother and been with her everyday since the day she was born, this is longest I have ever been away from her which is reaching 12 weeks and will be 18 weeks by the court date. I literally done. I am so scared that the damage caused to her and I during this time will be irreparable.

Apparently my daughter had to have a ambulance called out yesterday to the school. They rung me by mistake (as the ex has told them i am not allowed to be called) and they wouldn't even tell me if she was ok or what happened. They promised someone would call me back but they didn't. I dont even know if she is hospital or anything.

I feel like i am being abused all over again. Try telling the world you are being abused by a narc when there is a trial in the world which is damaging the real sufferers of abuse. No one will believe me now will they? Ill get branded an 'Amber' and ill lose my daughter for good. I am so depressed, my husband is angry with the situation as he sees me upset and down all the time, he wants to go punch my ex but he would then be in the wrong. I literally hate waking up every day, i want to stay asleep till this all goes away and my beautiful daughter is waking me up with a hug. All this chaos and hurt because I moved on and got married and was happy. I am not allowed to be happy. I feel like he has won and the court has gone in his favour by extending his time with her and restricting me further. There is no fairness in this world. Non at all. I gave birth to her that should account for something as well as been her primary carer for 12 years.

I will die without my children.

Oh I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you.

Never go by halves. Go for the strongest legal option possible. My ExH dragged me and the kids through court for 9 years. He ended up losing parental responsibility. Such a relief. Particularly for the kids. Please let the courts take it out of all of your hands.

I'm so sorry to hear that she still isn't back. The Courts are taking such a long time at the minute. My cousin has a similar situation going on so I totally sympathise. The dad took the children back in January. 2 hearings so far, next hearing in August. He doesn't let her speak to them on the phone and is always cancelling their meetings and all whilst poisoning their heads with lies about their mother. The youngest is 6, eldest 10. She's never been this long without them either.

This is such a heartbreaking situation for you. I hope it comes to a conclusion soon. At least your daughter is old enough that her voice will be listened to by the Courts so there is hope there, Sending big unmumsnetty hugs your way

I'm so sorry to read your updates. Can you see your GP to get some medication to get through these next few weeks.

So sorry to read you still haven't seen her.

You need to assist the police in prosecuting him. You can't on one hand ask the courts to return your DD for her welfare and then on the other hand say he isn't abusive enough for them to prosecute

Your DD is 12 he will have been saying all sorts so you are likely asking the courts to go against what DD says she wants to be returned to you.

You need to stay strong do not allow yourself to become the victim it’s going to be a long battle prepare yourself
you cannot afford to break down now
think of your health issues I know it’s not easy but you must stay well if you do not you might find yourself in a situation where you might not have her back