Can you tell me how much you convey to the other parent and timelines

[JusticeSystem]

Ex is complaining bitterly that I withhold details of the children's lives, medical information for example.

We have a background of domestic abuse and I feel that this is partly another way to control me. However, I realise that contact does needs to be made for handovers et cetera.

I have been written to via solicitors to complain about the choices that I make in this regard and I wondered, now I'm facing another choice today, how frequently and how detailed your contact is with your ex over your children?

For sample, do you notify your partner every time you book in a child to the GP for, say for example, antibiotics for ear infection? Obviously that need to know that the child is taking antibiotics but would you need to consult them first to gain their permission to make the appointment in the first place? My thought is no, I never have, and the fact that I am not doing so is being used against me.

I always would inform a parent once antibiotics have started or the child has received Calpol for earaches, but I wouldn't even consider checking before giving Calpol or going to a GP over it.

It's common sense to let a partner know you've administered a drug of any type so there is no accidental overdose, but like I say, I wouldn't game permission first.

Anyway, this isn't about Calpol or earache. But todays scenario is that the school has phoned for me to collect our child because of lingering symptoms after having Covid 10 days ago. I've contacted the GP but I haven't informed ex partner and won't do so until he finishes work and I would expect to see him tonight. I'm a little worried it could be used against me though, and so I'm seeking information here as to what other people would normally do?

Just set up a WhatsApp called Handover Notes or something. Put a message in "for any updates you need to know re medical etc. I won't post school updates - please advise the school to include you on their mail out lists"

Then just drop info in after the fact.eg "Jimmy had an opticians appointment today, no change"

Don't engage with anything on there that isn't directly related to the sharing of this sort of info. Put it on permanent mute, so you only open in when you have something you need to share.

I can understand why, in an abusive situation, you wouldn't say every time they're off school if it's not something 'abnormal' (as in... only seasonal coughs and colds requiring no treatment) or something that they'd need to know in their own childcare time.

I can't imagine my ex asking my agreement to take a child to the GP or worse than that A&E. I'd always trust they had their reasons and if they're fretting unnecessarily and they're the one who looks like the neurotic parent if they keep getting it wrong! I'd rather that than the childrens' health is neglected.
So if I use the general rule of what you'd want back, then I definitely would never ask first!

@FelicityPike thanks for answering. So what I'm hearing is, even though you live together you would text at work rather than wait until they get home.

To you, 'real time' information is somehow too important to wait to inform the other parent when you see them a few hours later.

If my ex didn't inform me that my child this morning has hurt themselves and I didn't find out until he dropped her off, I wouldn't see that as controlling because if it's not my time and I'll see them later, how can it help to know? Unless it involves A&E, for example, or unless there is something I can do to help. So if ex takes my child for a bike ride and they fall off and graze their knee, but got back on and cycled the rest of the trip, I'd be content to hear about it when we met up later. If it was a blue light hospital for head injury then yes, I'd want to know because I'd leave work to attend hospital in an emergency. I also think cases where new spouse introductions are made is such a new and different thing that will be big in the child's life then it seems right to tell the other parent.

Yes I do know it and that's why I thought I'd test the waters here to see what everyone else does

At the moment daily

That's pretty balanced, I'd say.

That's precisely why I haven't sought permission: I know it'll be a no, and why go looking for trouble?!

That's a good idea, but for now we use a recognised app that records everything; calendar, trips, the full works

She is not talking about sports day. She is talking about not needing to get "permission " from him before taking the child to the GP etc!. Obviously8f the child is going for an important hpspital sppointment she would inform him etc.

Even with regards to sports day etc, why does she need to collate all the information and pass on to him?. Why can he not contact the school and ask them to inform him of everything as well. That would be a much more efficient way of doing things. She is not her exes PA

I think there's some very sensible answers here and some not so sensible ones. To me, the key part of your post is that your ex was abusive. So many abusers seek to continue their abuse through the Courts. His suggestions are mad. You are not his PA. It sounds as though you're already telling him about the important stuff. Please don't fall into the trap of accounting for every minute of your day. (I'm also a little worried that he sees the kids every day, are you doing all the parenting while he gets to Disney dad?)

I agree...either overkill or ignore😆

You dont need his permission just text him school sent him home early taking him to Dr's will let you know what they say

For comparison, DH and I are together but I do the bulk of childcare. If one of my kids was sent home from school, DH would find out when he got home from work and they were sat in their pj's. If they needed to see gp, I'd just book it and only involve DH if I needed him to do something (eg. Have other child). If the appointment was scheduled in advance, I'd probably mention it in passing, bit if I got a same day appointment, I would just tell him the outcome afterwards. Obviously emergency situations I'd tell him about, but something minor I'd just deal with.

I don't see why he'd suddenly need to know sooner if we were to split up, so I'd say you 'tell when you see him' approach is fine.

She is a decent parent. She has taken her children away from domestic abuse.

Yes. I know everyone is different, but for me, him knowing is important.
Thinking about it now actually, this might be because our DD was premature & I was alone with her in hospital most of the day until my husband could visit after work, so I would text him everything.
I’ve just never stopped doing that & never considered it.

DH gets frustrated when his ex-wife doesn't tell him anything so I can see why your ex is annoyed. I'd say, a scrape on the arm requiring a plaster there's no need to tell him. Any GP/hospital appointments you should mention it as a common courtesy. They may even agree to send out copies of letters to him. Also, very important re. meds to avoid accidental overdoses and giving your child things their allergic to.

I would text him if DS was admitted to hospital or was injured at school, but I don't inform my ex about small things like giving calpol or earache etc. He only sees him for six hours a week, and to date has shown no interest in his medical care.

But this is a man who, when ds was 2 and admitted to hospital with swine flu and a very high temperature, I called him to be told he'd 'put the car away, and he was sure I could cope', before hanging up on me.

So I've long regarded his views as irrelevant. He made himself irrelevant.

In your case I would inform your ex of any calpol etc at handover, and would text him an evening update if your child is poorly. I would text immediately if he was admitted to hospital or injured.

Certainly don't ask for permission. If your child needs care, your priority as a parent is to provide it.

I have an abusive ex who wants me to act like his PA.

Never ask permission beforehand for medical unless its an optional and big thing - like an operation. Day to day GP stuff - send 1 text informing outcome. Emergency care like A&E inform you're going and why, another with outcome. Meds given need to be advised at handover, but if for eg. Calpol is needed one evening when you alone have dc you do not need to tell him this.

All school stuff is up to him to make sure he is set up on school systems to receive it and actually read what he receives. You do not need to tell him anything or do anything about this.

I would be wary of the overkill option because he might like it, having that degree of sight into your lives, and you might get stuck doing it. Don't punish yourself to try to make a point. Abusers never see points anyone else tries to make.

It's really hard to find and trust your instincts when you've been in a relationship like this, but it is important to do so. Have you done the Freedom Programme? I found it massively helpful.

I'm actually starting my first session first thing tomorrow morning!

@JusticeSystem I think you'll find it really enlightening - I've done it online and even without the benefit of a trained leader it has helped me understand so much...which in turn is helping me set my boundaries as our lives become more separate. Some of it was not easy reading, and strangely some of it was reassuring - to see him there on the page in different guises really brought it home to me how much I'd been putting up with, and that I'd done the right thing by ending it.

I think in your covid scenario it is perfectly reasonable to let him know when you see him this afternoon. If your DC had to leave school early for something that needed an A&E visit then I think a text at the time would be appropriate, but unless he’s going to leave work to look after the DC this afternoon then telling him at 3pm seems fine to me.

as far as school admin stuff goes, if my ex wants to know anything he is perfectly capable of signing up to emails/reading the school website. He is also capable of contacting me to ask for information. So I don’t provide it unless requested or there’s something that’s come home in a letter that he wouldn’t have seen.

Given that he was abusive I certainly wouldn't ask permission for anything, it just gives him another method of control.

My children live with me full time so I don't really have to worry about things like ex accidentally giving meds when I already have unless he was looking after the children as a one off if they were unwell and I had to work.

I took my daughter to A&E a few weeks ago and messaged her dad once we were there and booked in just to let him know what was happening, and have him updates throughout the time we were there. For gp appointments I would probably mention them to him later that evening by text just so he knows they have seen gp and why. I certainly wouldn't update him during the day on minor bumps, falls, bruises, illness at school etc. My son is often injuring himself so I'd end up spending half the day messaging his dad to inform him.

I would leave school events mainly down to your ex to sort out. I told my ex to download the school app for full info, calendars etc but he wouldn't and then he moans when he didn't know an event was coming up just expecting me to sort it. I do try to mention important things like parents evening but I refuse to do all the admin for him. I have enough to do as it is!