Can you tell me how much you convey to the other parent and timelines

[JusticeSystem]

Ex is complaining bitterly that I withhold details of the children's lives, medical information for example.

We have a background of domestic abuse and I feel that this is partly another way to control me. However, I realise that contact does needs to be made for handovers et cetera.

I have been written to via solicitors to complain about the choices that I make in this regard and I wondered, now I'm facing another choice today, how frequently and how detailed your contact is with your ex over your children?

For sample, do you notify your partner every time you book in a child to the GP for, say for example, antibiotics for ear infection? Obviously that need to know that the child is taking antibiotics but would you need to consult them first to gain their permission to make the appointment in the first place? My thought is no, I never have, and the fact that I am not doing so is being used against me.

I always would inform a parent once antibiotics have started or the child has received Calpol for earaches, but I wouldn't even consider checking before giving Calpol or going to a GP over it.

It's common sense to let a partner know you've administered a drug of any type so there is no accidental overdose, but like I say, I wouldn't game permission first.

Anyway, this isn't about Calpol or earache. But todays scenario is that the school has phoned for me to collect our child because of lingering symptoms after having Covid 10 days ago. I've contacted the GP but I haven't informed ex partner and won't do so until he finishes work and I would expect to see him tonight. I'm a little worried it could be used against me though, and so I'm seeking information here as to what other people would normally do?

Of course you need to tell your ex anything medical to do with his child. As you said to ensure there is no overdose and because he is the other parent. Stop alienating him. If you are a decent parent you wouldn't think twice to let him know about GP appointments, medication, sports days, parents evenings etc. Put your feelings aside because punishing him is punishing your children. Send him an email if you don't want to speak or a text or asks family member to be a mediator, do whatever it takes to not alienate him for your child's sake

Personally I would text him to say that the school has phoned for me to collect our child because of lingering symptoms after having Covid 10 days ago. I've contacted the GP. Then text again with what the doctor has said.
What he does with that information is up to him.

I disagree with this. My ex tried all this in court, that I had to keep him informed of things. The judge said quite clearly that he was an adult with PR and I wasn't his personal assistant. Clearly if your child is taking meds you must inform the other parent in order to avoid double dosing etc. However, it is not up to the OP to do all the parenting admin for him.

@TheFormidableMrsC

It's infantile to withhold information, why bother. If she doesn't inform him of things in the child's life then further down the road the child will ask why didn't their dad come to their school plays or sports days etc. I can't understand parents who alienate another parent. I let my ex know everything regarding the children and low and behold he turns up to sports days etc and we don't have to go to court and be told like children if we should or shouldn't let the other one know about Gp appointment appointments.

Did you read the OP? This is with a background of domestic abuse. It's not alienation to want to minimise communication. Schools have parent mail/websites/newsletters. It is up to the NRP to avail himself of these resources, not the OP to be his personal PA. I clearly said medication is a different matter. It is not infantile to protect yourself against any further abusive or controlling behaviour.

Hi nightmare,

Obviously that need to know that the child is taking antibiotics but would you need to consult them first to gain their permission to make the appointment in the first place? My thought is no, I never have, and the fact that I am not doing so is being used against me.

I think you may have missed that I said, "I always would inform a parent once antibiotics have started or the child has received Calpol" so I'm not saying I DON'T do it, what I said is that, "I wouldn't even consider checking [with ex] before giving Calpol or going to a GP over it."

I acknowledged it's common sense to let a partner know you've administered a drug of any type so there is no accidental overdose, but like I say, I wouldn't game permission first. Do you really think that by not seeking my exes permission to consult a GP, I am somehow alienating him? I Did say that I would let him know when I see him later today. I didn't say I would withhold it completely. THAT would be alienation!

@TheFormidableMrsC

Same here, Did you not read what I said clearly stating to put your feelings aside. It's about putting your feelings to one side and doing what's best for your child. Fine if you want to nitpick don't worry about school stuff then, how about letting the other parent know about GP appointments, how the child is if feeling if u set the weather without a gp appointment, letting the other parent know about after school clubs and activities and how they are doing in those clubs, giving plenty of notice for holidays and discussing what presents each parent will buy for birthdays and Xmas to ensure no overlap.

You'd text someone at work, when it's not an emergency and you're seeing them at 3pm after they finish work, so could tell them then?

I'm interested in why you would choose to do that over waiting a few hours. Not to haggle, but to gain understanding

Of course you don't need to consult your ex to book a GP appointment. @quietnightmare read the op properly.

You will never get anything done in life if you have to contact ex for permission for everything.

I am sorry I think I need to make it clear I'm not talking about sports days.

Sports days come from the school and if they miss the memo that's their problem, It's not parent alienation for me to not run around after him, nobody is expecting that. Not even his solicitor!

Thank you for understanding the domestic abuse part.

Just to clarify, I didn't say I wouldn't let him know, just that I haven't asked permission first and am not sure whether I am wrong to fail to text him at work to say I've made contact with the GP, or whether it's okay to wait until he gets home and I can more naturally pass it over.

That's exactly how it feels! And it also feels as though it's yet another way of being controlled. Of course I want him to know what's happening with our children, but it's the timings I guess I'm talking about, and the involvement of decision making beforehand. I mean, I've never heard of a spouse asking the other spouse first if it's okay to book a GP appointment. I assumed parents are adult enough to decide and then tell the other person what the outcome is afterwards.

As he's abusive, I would text that the appointment had happened and what the doctor said because that's one text rather than 3 (permission to take him, what time the appointment is and what the doctor said)

My ex has our child EOW and I don't tell him every time he's off school but would if it was serious (involved a trip to A&E) or affected contact.

I think the genera rule of what you'd want to happen if the tables were turned applied here.

If ex called me to say could he take our child to A&E I would be angry as I want dc to get medical care asap and I completely trust him to make the right call. FWIW he has taken dc to A&E and called me once he'd been seen by the doctor which is fine.

I 100% would and I do. I text my husband and keep him informed of everything to do with our daughter and her health/ schooling. Even though we live together and everything, he deserves to know what’s happening in her life.

@JusticeSystem

Just be careful how you play this as this will set the tone for the rest of your child's life. Ask yourself if you want the grief? You are setting the precedent. I hope your not back posting here in the near future saying my ex didn't inform me that my child this morning has hurt themselves and I didn't find out until he dropped her off, is this controlling behaviour ? Or my ex didn't bother to tell me his new girlfriend would be at his house when my child was there, is this another form of him trying to control things? When actually there is not controlling behaviour going on it's just a case of you don't inform him so he won't inform you and it will drive you around the twist

Hmmm I think I would consider texting him every little detail as and when it occurs. I would NOT be seeking permission though.

So little John has a headache so he's gone for a lay down and had lots of water if it continues I will administer calpol.

In minute detail and overkill it until his phone is sick of being pinged.

Either that or completely ignore. We would tell each other the important stuff as you already do "x has been to GP they have an ear infection and are on antibiotics". "X has a hospital appointment on z if you feel you would like to come/take them"

He is trying to control you and know it.

I thought I'd add another point.

You can pay a solicitor to send a letter saying whatever you want. Just because it came from a solicitor, it doesn't mean that the content of the letter is reasonable or the law.

I remember a thread where a poster received a crazy letter from the solicitor. Wife 2 sent a letter asking the Wife 1(the OP) to stop using her married surname as she wanted to be the one with the surname. The OP used her married surname because her kids had it and she'd been that name longer than her maiden name.

As this man is abusive, I would not go down the path of asking permission. This could easily end up as something he uses to control you - especially if it's a Friday and there's no way to see a GP until Mondays. I would ask text him with the details so you can prove that he was informed.

I totally get why this is so hard to call - I'm just about out of an abusive relationship and the control thing is exhausting and stressful.

What I'm doing is to send XH relevant stuff from school (he could get it himself if he could be bothered, but it's easier to maintain the moral high ground on this, so when he doesn't turn up at events I can honestly tell the DC that I let him know about it), and if there is an emergency of any kind - like A&E - then I'll tell him by text whilst we're there, as in "I'm dealing with it, no need to come"; obviously if it was something really awful then I would tell him immediately and get him to join us (not that I'd want him there).

I guess the way I'd think of it is "would I want/need to know this?" if it was him telling/not telling me something. But then balance that against your need to be free, and what difference it would make, in real terms when he learns about something.

If PP's have not experienced abusive control then I can see how they might think this is witholding information or alienation, but as someone who only last week found a tracker on their phone that they didn't know was there, trust me, it is very, very different.

May I ask how you found the tracker? I'm worried about the same

You make a fair point about relaying information in such as way that can be proven. Hadn't thought of that and think it's good advice

How often does he actually see the children? It sounds like he is asking you to be his PA. if you’re separated school should send all information/ reports to both of you.

I'm 4 years out of an abusive relationship.

I personally would send a text saying that I was taking dd to GP and that I'd inform of outcome. But wouldn't ask permission to book the slot first.

An in advance hospital appt has been attended by both of us.

It's never happened but if there was an A&E or ambulance situation I would text immediately as I would expect the same if it happened on his time.

A dose of calpol for ear ache I wouldn't mention unless it was on handover day and so there's an implication for ongoing dosing.

Not saying this is right but it works for me. Communication texts can be short and factual.

my ex had linked my iphone with his (I think that's fairly easy to do) and used the innocuous "find my family" setting - which I think people use to keep track of where their DC's are - so that he could see where my phone was whenever he wanted to.

I had been getting unusual alerts on messages from him and I knew something wasn't right, but in the confusion that abusive control causes, I wasn't sure if I was paranoid/imagining it, so didn't do anything other than un-tick (for the second time) the "send no read-receipts" box. And then I still wasn't convinced, and found the tracker - it is totally standard iphone stuff, but I didn't know it was running, and it wasn't me who set it up.

Could you set up some kind of google docs where you just add in anything he might need to know eg a gp appointment, medication review, and he does the same
For things such as school meetings, you're not his secretary. Up to you if you remind him, but all information will be sent to both parents separately if that's what you've asked school to do

Absolutely no need to ever get permission to take a child for a doctor's appointment or a+e... permission = could say no. How's that going to work? If, as a parent with parental responsibility, you feel your child needs medical assistance then it is your duty to get them that care.
Of course, you should then pass any relevant information on afterwards.