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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to a new woman in my house with my kids?

37 replies

Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:02

I split from my partner 5 months ago and moved to my mum's on a temporary basis until I can buy a place for me and my two boys. There were many reasons for the separation including chronic weed addiction, black moods, inappropriate behaviour, uncontrolled spending, unwillingness to commit to marriage or buying a house together. We have two boys 8 and 6 who currently stay with each of us 50/50. He's always been very involved and has a good relationship with them both. It's been a tough ride as I've lost my home, time with kids and my Dad passed away 6 months ago. But what's really tipped me over the edge is that he's gone and got a gorgeous young au pair on a live in basis. I understand that he needs help with childcare but am finding it very difficult to picture her being in my home with my kids who I miss so very much. I'm informed from family that he's bringing her everywhere and flaunting it. I suspect he may be trying to hurt me and make me jealous so I'll come back. I had some tenative hope that we could reconcile after counselling and sortin out a more equitable living arrangement but now I'm not sure. Am I overreacting? Friendly advice much appreciated ☺

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 25/04/2022 01:04

YABU. It is childcare. I assumed you were going to be talking about a new partner.

SnowRoses · 25/04/2022 01:10

Its Childcare?

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:12

SeasonFinale · 25/04/2022 01:04

YABU. It is childcare. I assumed you were going to be talking about a new partner.

My fear is that she is/will be the new partner as he's bringing her out to dinner and to meet family. Could be completely innocent but I think he's doing it on purpose to mess with my head...

OP posts:
Meandthedugs · 25/04/2022 01:15

How did he get 50% time with the children if he is a chronic cannabis smoker. I would be concerned about that.How much does he smoke a day? Depending on how often he smokes it, it can have a significant impact on childcare. I wouldn't be worried about the au pair (although you having to leave your home sounds awful) Things will get better . How can your ex afford an au pair ? Sorry about your dad ,OP💐

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:19

SnowRoses · 25/04/2022 01:10

Its Childcare?

It is childcare yes. But he made a big deal sbout selecting the most attractive woman he could find to the detriment of other qualities like say a single word of English...
I do get that I'm being sensitive here but it was my family home for years which I've now had to move from and kills me to see another woman in my kitchen or think about her tucking my kids into bed.

Really it's only a problem if he crosses the line with her. Otherwise I'll just have to suck it up I suppose. But I do question his motives

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 01:26

Given his drug addiction op I think I'd be glad there's another adult around when he has them.

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:29

Meandthedugs · 25/04/2022 01:15

How did he get 50% time with the children if he is a chronic cannabis smoker. I would be concerned about that.How much does he smoke a day? Depending on how often he smokes it, it can have a significant impact on childcare. I wouldn't be worried about the au pair (although you having to leave your home sounds awful) Things will get better . How can your ex afford an au pair ? Sorry about your dad ,OP💐

Thanks 😊 He is a high functioning smoker if there is such a thing...We haven't gone the legal route - just agreed arrangements between ourselves. He could smoke between 1 and 4 a day and mostly in the evenings when kids are in bed. He started working with an addiction therapist recently and is hopefully making progress there.
I would love to take the kids more but they are reluctant to be here anymore as all their pals and gaming stuff is there and its the home they grew up and feel safe in.
He does fine for money, he has a gardening company and parents give him a lot of financial support.

OP posts:
Player001 · 25/04/2022 01:31

I get what you are saying OP. It must be incredibly difficult and hurtful.

I do hope you are not considering going back to him though? Even though you are starting again, you will have a mich better life, as will your boys, away from that waste of space H. It will be a hard journey but I promise that you will come out the other side of this with a better life.

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:33

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 01:26

Given his drug addiction op I think I'd be glad there's another adult around when he has them.

That's a good point. I suppose I hadn't thought of it in that way. He has been smoking for so long I just didn't see it anymore. It might encourage him to smoke less too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:46

Player001 · 25/04/2022 01:31

I get what you are saying OP. It must be incredibly difficult and hurtful.

I do hope you are not considering going back to him though? Even though you are starting again, you will have a mich better life, as will your boys, away from that waste of space H. It will be a hard journey but I promise that you will come out the other side of this with a better life.

Thanks Player001 I'm trying so very hard to be strong and to not even consider going back. I did that once before and nothing changed. I don't think it would be good for the kids either to keep messing about. I'm struggling to stay positive and do all the things I need to do to build my new life. Still grieving and managed to get floored with long covid. But things will improve at some point!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2022 01:55

Style it out. Be SUPER pleased he found someone so lovely to hang out with the children. Be so complementary, "she's so sweet".

Eventually it becomes true.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 12:46

How does "part time au pair to school aged kids" even work??

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 15:47

Thanks everyone ☺ Styling it out is a great approach. On reflection I realise this is a side issue, a massive distraction from the main issue which is that I left for a reason and I need to stay strong and keep it that way. If I look at it from the perspective of my kids having more support and someone to play with them, keep them happy etc. it actually helps a lot.

OP posts:
mocktail · 25/04/2022 16:45

@SleepingStandingUp how is that a "part time" au pair? Lots of au pairs care for school age children. Care for them before and after school and Saturdays if needed, some light housework and a night or two babysitting.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2022 18:59

mocktail · 25/04/2022 16:45

@SleepingStandingUp how is that a "part time" au pair? Lots of au pairs care for school age children. Care for them before and after school and Saturdays if needed, some light housework and a night or two babysitting.

Because he's got shared custody, so half the week they aren't there.

mocktail · 26/04/2022 22:28

@SleepingStandingUp Ah of course sorry!

There is such thing as a part time au pair, sometimes called demi pair, who work 15 hours per week including babysitting. So it's definitely possible.

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 26/04/2022 23:19

The au pair got a good deal in terms of hours alright! 2.5 days per week (they're at school from 8.30-2. Looks like she goes everywhere with them at the weekend which none of our au pairs did in the past (beyond the first couple of weeks while settling in).

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 27/04/2022 07:00

It is very normal to introduce your au pair to family and to take them to family dinners etc. Au pair programs are both childcare for the family hiring and a cultural experience for the au pair. I am not sure he is flaunting it or that he really only looked for attractiveness - those seem to be a bit of a skewed perspective you have.

It get why it is hard for you. You have had a lot of stress and loss and change in the last few months and it seems like he is just trucking ahead while you are not quite there.

There is no reason to think he is dating / sleeping with the au pair. That would go against all au pair agency rules and if found out she would be sent home. Not that it has never happened but it is unlikely - and more the content of a rom com or romance novel or porn movie.

Thekormachameleon · 27/04/2022 07:11

Why did you leave the family home and not him?

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 27/04/2022 07:18

If he tries to seduce the Au Pair he will get blacklisted by the agency. Not sexually propositioning your Au Pair is a basic requirement of the contract.

sjxoxo · 27/04/2022 07:23

I’d still be concerned about the weed smoking tbh! The au pair is just a side issue for me- you say he smokes ‘mostly’ when the kids are in bed- this isn’t good enough imo.. I’d have either done supervised contact or gone the legal route for that alone. The kids are at the age where they will know and proces this x

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/04/2022 07:29

It sounds highly unlikely that a young attractive au pair would be interested in a man who is a ‘chronic weed addiction, black moods, inappropriate behaviour, uncontrolled spending, unwillingness to commit to marriage or buying a house together’ type!

I would be worried about her.

Snowiscold · 27/04/2022 07:34

If you’ve had au pairs in the past, you know how it works. At least he’s thought about childcare, and thought that he wants extra help. I think you have to let this go.

QuirkyTurtle · 27/04/2022 12:25

What is a high functioning weed smoker lol. Does he smoke after the kids have gone to bed / when he's not with them, or is he constantly stoned? Big difference.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2022 12:30

“Thekormachameleon

“Why did you leave the family home and not him?”

im wondering this, too, as he’s the cause of the problems?