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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to a new woman in my house with my kids?

37 replies

Notsomellownow · 25/04/2022 01:02

I split from my partner 5 months ago and moved to my mum's on a temporary basis until I can buy a place for me and my two boys. There were many reasons for the separation including chronic weed addiction, black moods, inappropriate behaviour, uncontrolled spending, unwillingness to commit to marriage or buying a house together. We have two boys 8 and 6 who currently stay with each of us 50/50. He's always been very involved and has a good relationship with them both. It's been a tough ride as I've lost my home, time with kids and my Dad passed away 6 months ago. But what's really tipped me over the edge is that he's gone and got a gorgeous young au pair on a live in basis. I understand that he needs help with childcare but am finding it very difficult to picture her being in my home with my kids who I miss so very much. I'm informed from family that he's bringing her everywhere and flaunting it. I suspect he may be trying to hurt me and make me jealous so I'll come back. I had some tenative hope that we could reconcile after counselling and sortin out a more equitable living arrangement but now I'm not sure. Am I overreacting? Friendly advice much appreciated ☺

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2022 12:33

If you and he typically used Au Pairs in the past, it's hardly surprising that he has arranged an Au Pair. Surely?

DowntonCrabby · 27/04/2022 12:36

For the love of Lucifer don’t even dream of going back to him. You deserve much much better OP Flowers

Try to ignore what he doing and just focus on building the best life for you and your boys. It’s not easy but if he’s looking for a reaction, he’d be getting complete grey rock indifference from me.

Lochroy · 27/04/2022 12:36

Why did you move out?

Lochroy · 27/04/2022 12:37

Sorry, as in, why you not him?

trickyex · 27/04/2022 12:42

I also dont understand why you moved out OP?
In your shoes I would take some legal advice, this isnt a good outcome for you or your DCs.

Rubyroseyposey · 27/04/2022 16:00

I can't imagine a gorgeous young women would be interested in him tbf, especially from how you describe him.

WoodenClock · 27/04/2022 16:13

Gosh, I'd try and find it in me to be concerned for the Au Pair's wellbeing, I think.

Can you befriend her? You'll get to be close to your children's caregiver as a little bonus, but it doesn't sound like a great situation for her.

Heliotropium · 27/04/2022 17:06

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/04/2022 07:29

It sounds highly unlikely that a young attractive au pair would be interested in a man who is a ‘chronic weed addiction, black moods, inappropriate behaviour, uncontrolled spending, unwillingness to commit to marriage or buying a house together’ type!

I would be worried about her.

I agree. If he makes a move on her then she won't have anywhere to go, especially at night.

Original poster
Notsomellownow · 27/04/2022 23:00

Thanks for the comments. I moved out because we lived in his childhood family home still owned by his parents. I had no legal entitlement and a power imbalance resulted. We were to get married but he got cold feet. I wanted us to buy a house together 50/50 but it would've meant him downgrading in terms of lifestyle- house location, size etc. and he was ultimately unwilling.
On reflection and reading all your comments I don't think there is anything going on. I was just being triggered. Yes absolutely it would be highly unethical and I think he knows that. But he was definitely trying to make me jealous. He never had an interest in hiring an au pair before and in fact was actively resistant to the idea. Much less interested in bringing them out with family.

But folks make a good point that I should check in on her to make sure all is OK. I will do that- she's only a kid and a long way from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsomellownow · 27/04/2022 23:02

DowntonCrabby · 27/04/2022 12:36

For the love of Lucifer don’t even dream of going back to him. You deserve much much better OP Flowers

Try to ignore what he doing and just focus on building the best life for you and your boys. It’s not easy but if he’s looking for a reaction, he’d be getting complete grey rock indifference from me.

This exact strategy. Thanks DowntonCrabby 😊

OP posts:
Rubyroseyposey · 27/04/2022 23:26

Notsomellownow · 27/04/2022 23:00

Thanks for the comments. I moved out because we lived in his childhood family home still owned by his parents. I had no legal entitlement and a power imbalance resulted. We were to get married but he got cold feet. I wanted us to buy a house together 50/50 but it would've meant him downgrading in terms of lifestyle- house location, size etc. and he was ultimately unwilling.
On reflection and reading all your comments I don't think there is anything going on. I was just being triggered. Yes absolutely it would be highly unethical and I think he knows that. But he was definitely trying to make me jealous. He never had an interest in hiring an au pair before and in fact was actively resistant to the idea. Much less interested in bringing them out with family.

But folks make a good point that I should check in on her to make sure all is OK. I will do that- she's only a kid and a long way from home.

It's understandable in the situation. He was definitely trying to get a reaction and is likely just talking rubbish.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 28/04/2022 09:03

Give her your number and tell her although you know it’s your ex who hired her, she’s welcome to call you anytime about the kids or about how she’s finding settling in to a new country as an au pair - let her know your family had au pairs in the past so you know all about how it works. She may never call you, but it means she has that line of communication open if your ex tries to proposition her at all or if things aren’t going well for her in the household. If she came from an agency and if she has au pair friends at language classes that will be another avenue of support for her if she ever needs it.

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