How on earth does divorce work?!

[SunnySummerSun]

Which way round is the process, especially in an acrimonious divorce where finances and childcare arrangements are contested

Assuming the start position is that both parties reside in the FMH, at what point do you then live apart? I can't work out how it works when there's no agreement over what happens to the children, and a court has to decide.

It seems that you need to have finances sorted and childcare arrangements in place before you can do anything but surely that's not the case?

Yet when you hear of court dates for finances and for family court, they're often many months apart, I can't imagine they ever dovetail, so do you have to live together for a year and beyond while fighting it out in courts?

Well you don’t have to but it depends whether you can afford any alternatives .. eg one person renting elsewhere or can one party stay with family etc

Could you move out and rent whilst you negotiate a settlement?

I have name changed but regular poster wondering about these practicalities. I am getting my life together to leave a sulky angry and emotionally abusive husband who will absolutely not move out. He will tell me to leave as I’m the one that wants a divorce all the while claiming he’s only ever tried to make me happy

So I am wondering how on earth we would live together once he’s decided I’m publicly enemy number one?

Hoping solicitor appointment will help once he’s back in the office in a week.

I moved out with DD. We had been living separately in the fmh for a year by that point, so started divorce proceedings a year after I moved out. We agreed between us what care for DD would look like (he had her eow and for dinner one evening the week he wasnt seeing her), We went through mediation to sort out finances and child arrangements. The fhm was sold and finances split.

@millymolls

Well you don’t have to but it depends whether you can afford any alternatives .. eg one person renting elsewhere or can one party stay with family etc

Sounds wonderful but doesn't sort child custody issues!

@DenholmElliot

Could you move out and rent whilst you negotiate a settlement?

Could do but doesn't sort the childcare side of things. I’ve also heard you dab be culpable for capital gains text if the fmh is sold.

@cantdothisforever

I have name changed but regular poster wondering about these practicalities. I am getting my life together to leave a sulky angry and emotionally abusive husband who will absolutely not move out. He will tell me to leave as I’m the one that wants a divorce all the while claiming he’s only ever tried to make me happy

So I am wondering how on earth we would live together once he’s decided I’m publicly enemy number one?

Hoping solicitor appointment will help once he’s back in the office in a week.

Let me know how you get on! Sounds like you're in a similar place to me

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

I moved out with DD. We had been living separately in the fmh for a year by that point, so started divorce proceedings a year after I moved out. We agreed between us what care for DD would look like (he had her eow and for dinner one evening the week he wasnt seeing her), We went through mediation to sort out finances and child arrangements. The fhm was sold and finances split.

Ah. I can see how that's work. What when there is no agreement though, and everything is a fight? I can't imagine one parent can just leave with the kids and refuse access.

We lived together for a year after I said I wanted to split. It was a living hell. He was awful to me and I never felt safe, especially at night. He spied on me constantly, rifled through my documents, moved my possessions about to mess with my head. And threatened me with 'London gangs' until I called his bluff and went to the police. And this is a man who was, and still is, a teacher! They can turn very nasty when they realise Cinderella is about to stop running their life for them. I would advise you to have a plan that avoids this at all costs.

Why would you refuse access? You can agree access informally while negotiating financials

You have a couple of options

1. both stay where you are, instruct solicitors and thrash it out while still in fmh

2. one of you move out and instruct solicitors and thrash it out

Of course this depends on if there is money available to afford 2 places

If you both own the home neither party has To move out

@SunnySummerSun
yes it sounds like we’re similar sadly. He would absolutely use the kids as a way to hurt me and will do so in their presence. He will convince himself that he is of course correct and so anything he says or does is for them good of the kids in the end. I can’t fathom how we would survive a prolonged period of essentially his worse behaviour and potentially even more.

@Vanillarose1 I’m sorry you had to go through that. Did you ever call the police? My dish is very clever and would never do anything remotely physical because he knows it would be provable and he has perfected letting everyone know he is angry without saying anything that would sound bad if repeated. My fault because in my dumb belief he would want to change for his kids I kept explaining to him why what he did/said was wrong so he now uses that against me as well.

I think the solicitor will likely tell me I will be able to have the children more and higher share of house equity but that’s not my main concern. It’s how to deal with him in our lives and share a home in the interim. honestly I’d be happy moving in with parents and getting no money if he’s just let us go. But he won’t

@cantdothisforever

Yes I did have to involve the police in the end when he attempted to physically attack my new partner on a number of occasions.

He was never physical with me although he did boast that he came into my room and kissed me while I was sleeping which made me feel sick. I was so naïve, I should at the very least have got a lock on my door.

It's so difficult - I didn't want to move out as I had paid for 90% of the house and I thought I'd never get it back if I did. We did maintain a kind of 50/50 custody during this year of hell. I'd go out two nights a week and every other weekend while he had the children and on my weekends I'd have the children out of the house at my parents as much as possible. He didn't want the split and he made it as difficult as possible for me. In the end he walked away with a lot of my money as I had been the higher earner before children and saved hard. It was the only way to get him to leave. That hurt but I've been free of him for 5 years and I have never been happier. My new partner is a million miles away from my EXH - I found the kind of love that I didn't even know existed. There are better times ahead but this bit will test the limits of your endurance (unless your soon to be exh is far more reasonable than mine!)

@millymolls

Why would you refuse access? You can agree access informally while negotiating financials

You have a couple of options

1. both stay where you are, instruct solicitors and thrash it out while still in fmh

2. one of you move out and instruct solicitors and thrash it out

Of course this depends on if there is money available to afford 2 places

If you both own the home neither party has To move out

I don't think the children are safe with him so it would need to be supervised contact

@Vanillarose1

We lived together for a year after I said I wanted to split. It was a living hell. He was awful to me and I never felt safe, especially at night. He spied on me constantly, rifled through my documents, moved my possessions about to mess with my head. And threatened me with 'London gangs' until I called his bluff and went to the police. And this is a man who was, and still is, a teacher! They can turn very nasty when they realise Cinderella is about to stop running their life for them. I would advise you to have a plan that avoids this at all costs.

Similar position to crept he's not allowed in my room which at least gives me 'some' privacy

[quote cantdothisforever]@SunnySummerSun
yes it sounds like we’re similar sadly. He would absolutely use the kids as a way to hurt me and will do so in their presence. He will convince himself that he is of course correct and so anything he says or does is for them good of the kids in the end. I can’t fathom how we would survive a prolonged period of essentially his worse behaviour and potentially even more.

@Vanillarose1 I’m sorry you had to go through that. Did you ever call the police? My dish is very clever and would never do anything remotely physical because he knows it would be provable and he has perfected letting everyone know he is angry without saying anything that would sound bad if repeated. My fault because in my dumb belief he would want to change for his kids I kept explaining to him why what he did/said was wrong so he now uses that against me as well.

I think the solicitor will likely tell me I will be able to have the children more and higher share of house equity but that’s not my main concern. It’s how to deal with him in our lives and share a home in the interim. honestly I’d be happy moving in with parents and getting no money if he’s just let us go. But he won’t[/quote]
That's exactly my concern too. The kids have actual physical and mental problems from the stress of ti, yet I fear their stress would be tenfold if they have unsupervised 50:50 arrangement so I haven't to safeguard against that happening

[quote Vanillarose1]@cantdothisforever

Yes I did have to involve the police in the end when he attempted to physically attack my new partner on a number of occasions.

He was never physical with me although he did boast that he came into my room and kissed me while I was sleeping which made me feel sick. I was so naïve, I should at the very least have got a lock on my door.

It's so difficult - I didn't want to move out as I had paid for 90% of the house and I thought I'd never get it back if I did. We did maintain a kind of 50/50 custody during this year of hell. I'd go out two nights a week and every other weekend while he had the children and on my weekends I'd have the children out of the house at my parents as much as possible. He didn't want the split and he made it as difficult as possible for me. In the end he walked away with a lot of my money as I had been the higher earner before children and saved hard. It was the only way to get him to leave. That hurt but I've been free of him for 5 years and I have never been happier. My new partner is a million miles away from my EXH - I found the kind of love that I didn't even know existed. There are better times ahead but this bit will test the limits of your endurance (unless your soon to be exh is far more reasonable than mine!)[/quote]
Although iff be E involved police it's more more from an historical perspective, but it's always good to hear you got your happy ending

Hate to say this but XDH and I had to carry on living together for 14 months while the house was selling. He could have afforded to move out but I couldn't. It wasn't fun, in fact it was horrible, although I did manage to lose a couple of stone.

It’s hard to get supervised ck fact only without documented physical violence/evidence of drugs/ etc ie something serious and evidenced. Are cafcass involved at all? Are you able to seek occupation order?
Do you have a solicitor? They will guide you through divorce, financials and child arrangements

On what basis are the children unsafe with him and how is this documented? Do you have police involvement?

The issue arises when one person moves out and rents and stops paying their share of the of mortgage. The person who stays continued paying the mortgage. 18 months later in court that person argues that they are entitled to a greater share of the proceeds of sale/to remain in the house. Depends also what safeguards you had in place before you married; have you got a deed of trust, for example?

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime

Hate to say this but XDH and I had to carry on living together for 14 months while the house was selling. He could have afforded to move out but I couldn't. It wasn't fun, in fact it was horrible, although I did manage to lose a couple of stone.

I bet! Thing is, it's chipping away at everyone's health, both mentally and physically. Don't know how you lived with the enemy for 14 months though!

@millymolls

It’s hard to get supervised ck fact only without documented physical violence/evidence of drugs/ etc ie something serious and evidenced. Are cafcass involved at all? Are you able to seek occupation order? Do you have a solicitor? They will guide you through divorce, financials and child arrangements

Got a solicitor and CAFCASS due to make contact this week.

Looking at occupation order but apparently it's draconian and judges really don't like to remove someone unless they absolutely have to.

@Noclosure

On what basis are the children unsafe with him and how is this documented? Do you have police involvement?

His DA, some of it physical towards them. Police have been involved but retrospectively , and so they can't do anything about that, apparently. Has to be much more recent than that and then they can act . Of course, try to tell that to a child whose memory keeps them in a place they don't feel safe, even if fresh evidence hasn't happened yet. I'm pretty sure part of the recent there's no fresh evidence is because I step in before it escalates. How can I not?

@SixteenTwelve

The issue arises when one person moves out and rents and stops paying their share of the of mortgage. The person who stays continued paying the mortgage. 18 months later in court that person argues that they are entitled to a greater share of the proceeds of sale/to remain in the house. Depends also what safeguards you had in place before you married; have you got a deed of trust, for example?

No deed of trust - never even heard of it to be honest!

@SunnySummerSun
It sounds like you are in a very difficult place. Hopefully solicitor and cafcass will give you something concrete and positive to move forward with.
@Vanillarose1 in so glad it has worked out for you after all that you went through. Have to cling to stories like that to spur me on.

I have to admit I’m almost jealous of people who just decide to divorce and after the initial shock has worn off they can sit down like reasonable adults and work out the kindest fairest way for them children. It is so far removed from the reality of relationships like ours.