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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feeling guilty, but should I?

47 replies

Shallysally · 09/03/2022 23:43

So I divorced exH 3 years ago. Due to his insistence that I was not and should not have any “gains” from the marital assets the case ended up at court. This was due to his refusal to engage in any of the suggestions at mediation.

I repeatedly made offers to settle out of court, I was willing to take less than half of the value of the house, had no interest in pursuing his pension etc.

His solicitor, I feel, misinformed him as exH throughout was so confident that court would rule in his favour.
Anyway, court gave the standard outcome, that the house is to be sold when our child reaches age 18. He still lives in the property and we have shared care.

ExH’s family member has spoken with me this week, they and ex are going to talk to our child soon to prepare for the sale of the property, which will be in a few months time.

Ex is quite a few years older than me, he is late 60’s, I am early 50’s. So when the house is sold, although he will have a lump sum, it won’t be enough to buy a decent property outright, and he isn’t working so won’t be able to have a mortgage.

So his family are obviously concerned, and whilst I essentially know this isn’t my problem, I do feel guilty for not accepting the much lower offer he made a couple of years ago.

Our child will be upset, the house is childhood home. But she has two homes and always will do, wherever either of parents are living there will always be a space for her.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective and opinions. Given his age am I being unreasonable to expect him to sell the house at this stage of his life?

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 10/03/2022 00:00

I doubt whether you ex’s solicitor misadvised him, it sounds more like a case of him believing in his own divine right!

Frankly, he’s bloody lucky if he is going to be able to live in the house (is there still a mortgage to be paid on it? ) for a few more years. He can save up and plan ahead.for when it is sold. It’s entirely reasonable for you to expect it to sold when your DC reaches 18, it is what the court ordered. Don’t be feeling guilty!

Tallisimo · 10/03/2022 00:01

Sorry, just clocked that the home will be sold in a few months. Still absolutely reasonable and no need to feel guilty!

Original poster
Shallysally · 10/03/2022 00:07

No, there’s no mortgage, we paid that off a years ago. So he is sitting pretty, I left the marital home with our daughter to live in a rented place whilst he was king in his castle.

He has been so horrible for years, I don’t know why I should be feeling like this!

OP posts:
Sid077 · 10/03/2022 00:15

Hi, you tried to sort this out amicably and he decided to go to court - that’s on him. I’m endlessly surprised by ppl who force their kids to move out of the marital home so they can stay there alone Flowers

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2022 00:18

If you’re in rental, WTF are you worried he’ll have to now rent too?

millymolls · 10/03/2022 07:18

Well what was the overall split of assets
A judgement should have given consideration to both parties ages, housing needs, earnings , mortgage raising ability etc in order to reach a fair outcome
Fair does t not mean 50:50 however

Original poster
Shallysally · 10/03/2022 12:27

@NoSquirrels, since the divorce I’ve since bought a house. But I need the settlement to pay a chunk of the mortgage off to reduce outgoings.

@millymolls, the split was the proceeds from house sale to be split 50/50. We agreed to keep everything else untouched. He had a decent local government pension but I had no interest in that as he needs to live in retirement, and do his bit re providing for our daughter.

OP posts:
mnetting · 10/03/2022 12:39

Nothing to feel guilty about, he just didn't get the triumph he expected.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 10/03/2022 13:04

You tried to be kind to him - he rejected it. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. He made his choice and has to live with the consequences.

pointythings · 10/03/2022 15:16

Honestly? You've bent over backwards to be decent to him and he's done nothing but kick you in the face. Take your share, pay down your mortgage, have that little bit extra in these tough times. You bloody deserve it.

MadeForThis · 10/03/2022 15:23

No reason to feel guilty at all. He's programmed you to do that.

jay55 · 10/03/2022 18:35

So you've had a few years of paying rent and then a mortgage while he didn't.
And you feel guilty?
Give yourself a talking to.

ComeUnderMySexBlanket · 10/03/2022 18:38

My mind is boggling at the fact that he stayed put while you and your DD moved out...

Do not feel guilty.

Original poster
Shallysally · 10/03/2022 20:55

Thank you all. I know you are all right.

@ComeUnderMySexBlanket, well that is who he is. He’s welcome to his castle and his sad little life, karma’s a bitch hey Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2022 20:58

Stop feeling guilty he made rubbish choices and being pig headed.

Moodycow78 · 10/03/2022 20:59

Why on earth would you give money away, that you need, to someone who's been horrible to you 🙄 madness, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm hon xx

OverTheRubicon · 10/03/2022 21:04

He kept all of his government pension?!?!?

If it's final salary, that's worth a mint. If he was paying support then presumably you also were the primary residential parent, while also having to pay rent then mortgage. I suspect his lawyer made sure he actually did pretty well out of it all.

Unless there's a backstory where you're a vastly higher earner who also cheated on him with his best mate, you've earned every penny of that settlement, and he's done very well out of it all and has no right to complain.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/03/2022 21:17

His pension is likely worth more than the house, don't feel bad he got a very good deal.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/03/2022 21:19

Do not feel guilty, he has known this was going to happen for as long as you have.
I guess the family don’t want him moving in with them !

Original poster
Shallysally · 10/03/2022 21:36

@OverTheRubicon, I don’t want to give too much detail as could be outing, but not quite final salary but he has a good income.

No, I absolutely was not a cheater. He was very controlling, and when our daughter was very unwell some years ago, we were still together, he was really horrible, didn’t believe she was unwell, saying I was ridiculous for taking her to a and e in the early hours due to her pain being uncontrollable and her sobbing with it.

That was the last straw and I couldn’t leave her there or stay any longer than I absolutely had to, hence why I moved as he would not.

And salary wise, I’m definitely not s high earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 10/03/2022 21:37

@GeneLovesJezebel, haha, no most definitely not 😂

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SummerInSun · 11/03/2022 11:18

Do not feel guilty, and absolutely do not under any circumstances let him or the wider family or anyone else pressure you into giving up the outcome you fought so hard for in court!

Original poster
Shallysally · 11/03/2022 11:38

@SummerInSun, thanks. I won’t. It’s just difficult. I worry about the impact on my daughter. Ex and his family are planning to sit her down and tell her that the house needs to be sold. They have said to me that it will be done factually, but they will till her that I turned down his offer in favour of taking it to court.

I’m worried that this will damage my relationship with DD. Keep asking myself if I should tell her first.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 11/03/2022 11:45

Why wouldn’t you either tell her first, or perhaps more fairly you and your ex tell her together?

But do keep in mind that many, many families do sell the family home once their kids grow up, eg to downsize, retire to a different area, to be near where their kids settle, etc, even without divorce. I was sad when my parents sold our family home when my DB and I had left for uni, so that they could move for a job opportunity and to be closer to their parents. But it was their lives, not mine.

Original poster
Shallysally · 11/03/2022 12:07

Ex won’t reply to any of my texts regarding DD, so it certainly wouldn’t be productive for us to sit down together with her. He is still so bitter about it all.

Maybe I should speak with her before she goes back to her fathers.

OP posts: