Feeling guilty, but should I?

[Shallysally]

So I divorced exH 3 years ago. Due to his insistence that I was not and should not have any “gains” from the marital assets the case ended up at court. This was due to his refusal to engage in any of the suggestions at mediation.

I repeatedly made offers to settle out of court, I was willing to take less than half of the value of the house, had no interest in pursuing his pension etc.

His solicitor, I feel, misinformed him as exH throughout was so confident that court would rule in his favour.
Anyway, court gave the standard outcome, that the house is to be sold when our child reaches age 18. He still lives in the property and we have shared care.

ExH’s family member has spoken with me this week, they and ex are going to talk to our child soon to prepare for the sale of the property, which will be in a few months time.

Ex is quite a few years older than me, he is late 60’s, I am early 50’s. So when the house is sold, although he will have a lump sum, it won’t be enough to buy a decent property outright, and he isn’t working so won’t be able to have a mortgage.

So his family are obviously concerned, and whilst I essentially know this isn’t my problem, I do feel guilty for not accepting the much lower offer he made a couple of years ago.

Our child will be upset, the house is childhood home. But she has two homes and always will do, wherever either of parents are living there will always be a space for her.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective and opinions. Given his age am I being unreasonable to expect him to sell the house at this stage of his life?

I would speak with her, it was agreed years ago and now they are making it into a big thing. You can be factual too and explain why you and her had to move out!!

Imagine yourself physically handing the cash over to him in a bag and see how that makes you feel?
This was what I advised a friend to do recently when her stbx was trying to get her to give up any rights to his pensions. Made her realise that it was him being unreasonable not her

I would pre-empt your Ex and his family.
Explain it in a calm, matter of fact way. She must be nearly 18 and will be wise to how her father is anyway.

[quote Shallysally]@SummerInSun, thanks. I won’t. It’s just difficult. I worry about the impact on my daughter. Ex and his family are planning to sit her down and tell her that the house needs to be sold. They have said to me that it will be done factually, but they will till her that I turned down his offer in favour of taking it to court.

I’m worried that this will damage my relationship with DD. Keep asking myself if I should tell her first.[/quote]
Oh gawd, do tell her! She’s old enough to hear both sides, surely?

Of course you should speak to her! Tell her your ex refused mediation, forced it to go to court and is now angry at the result of his choices. The facts.

I’m just conscious of not damaging her relationship with her father either. I know he won’t reciprocate that but hopefully if I speak with her first I can limit the damage. And yes, be factual without mud slinging.

Think I’m going to talk to her tonight.

@Shallysally

I’m just conscious of not damaging her relationship with her father either. I know he won’t reciprocate that but hopefully if I speak with her first I can limit the damage. And yes, be factual without mud slinging.

Think I’m going to talk to her tonight.

If her knowing the facts damages her relationship with her father then that's on him not you, she's not a toddler.

@Shallysally

I’m just conscious of not damaging her relationship with her father either. I know he won’t reciprocate that but hopefully if I speak with her first I can limit the damage. And yes, be factual without mud slinging.

Think I’m going to talk to her tonight.

Oh goodness, do talk to her, asap.

You're absolutely right not to want to damage her relationship with her father - but that only really works if the other parent is doing the same. I've had to say things sometimes to my DC (bit older than yours now) in a factual, non-judgy way even though their father deserves to be judged just in order for him not to suck them in with his manipulation.

I spoke with DD, she is very upset and hasn’t really spoken to me since. I have no idea what she is thinking. She’s pretty mad, one word answers to my texts.

I’m relying on the settlement to reduce my mortgage to cut outgoings. It’s been a proper struggle since I bought the house.

But I’m now thinking should I accept a reduced settlement, that ex can give me now, and sell the house to either downsize or rent. What a mess.

Don't let your DDs upset make you take a lower settlement.

Your DD will grow up and have her own life, you need to be able to cope financially. Let your ex deal with his own financial mess.

@RandomMess yes she absolutely will. I know I’m being too sentimental about this.
But at what point do I as a parent say enough and do what is right for my daughter’s well-being?

She is no doubt worried about her father, it’s unfair on her. Especially when this has been caused by his narcissism.

Him not selling the house won't solve the real issues.

Most people get sad when their childhood homes are sold. Love her support but explain you need to have somewhere for both of you to live too and you can't afford without your share for any longer and this was always going to happen it's just he forced it through the courts rather than him letting you and her live there until she was older.

Give her time this is a knee jerk reaction to her pain which is likely about far more than just the house and you can't protect her from having to deal with the divorce fall out forever.

This was his aim from the very beginning. Hoping that you would agree to a lower settlement. The court has decided you are entitled to this money - it is yours. Take it.

Your daughter is too invested In this
The money is yours
You’re probably rbyitjed to more really if If pension was considered
Why dies your daughter feel it right that you are financially penalised and struggle but that’s not ok for her dad ?
Families sell the family home for many reasons all the time
I’m sorry but she’s acting like a spoilt brat and soon she’ll. e odd living her own independent life ( as she should)
The money is yours. Take it. Stop caving in to the emotional drama and go live your life. Make her know that she’s always welcome there

Give your daughter time for it to sink in, she will adjust.

Do not take a penny less than the agreement. You have been through so much and I expect your daughter sees you as invincible. On the other hand she thinks 'poor dad' based entirely on his choice to be a shit head.

Your daughter won't realise until later in life just how well you have supported her.

Your DD is nearly 18, old enough to understand that the house belonged to both of her parents, that both parents contributed to house and both are entitled to an equal share.

You offered a settlement, which your EXH rejected, your EXH tried to get you to take a lesser portion of the assets which forced you to go to court.

Ask your DD what she would do in your situation.
You are entitled to your share, explain that you tried to be fair by allowing him to stay in the home whilst you rented a home.

Do not, under any circumstances, back down.
Do not give him a bigger share, do not be swayed by DD acting out.
You are entitled to your share.

Have another conversation with DD, don't roll over, this is exactly what your EXH and the family member want, they want to get their side across in the hope that DD can exert pressure on you.

Keep the lines of communication open with DD but keep it factual, it's half your house and you're entitled to it.

She'll come round, it will all be a shock that the family home is being sold and poor dad is out on the street, explain this isn't the case and he's been living there rent free for xxx years while you have had to move out of your home into rented accommodation.

Do not back down op, it's emotional blackmail from EXH, family member and dd.
This is your future security at stake.

Don't even think about taking a reduced settlement! When she starts to talk to her friends she'll realise that in most cases the mum stays at home with the child and the dad moves out. He's made you move out and now he has to pay the price.

@MoiraNotRuby, that’s exactly what she thinks, “poor dad” when I’m racy it’s her dad who has put her in this position. I would never tell her that though as she won’t hear a word said against him and would just damage our relationship.

@RandomMess, her reaction is connected to the house but on a deeper level. Ex has told her that he has left her the house in his will, which is obviously standard. But he has put the sentimental spin on that by telling her that she will be able to live in her childhood home.
DD is distraught, I am the absolute bad guy.

@Campervangirl, yes it is emotional blackmail. Ex can’t see that though, he just needs to get everyone on side so I’m the bad one.

Just going to see how this pans out. Hopefully she will be willing to talk again today.
She’s back at her fathers tonight so just hoping we can be on a better footing before she goes back.

She’ll grow up and understand it all better when she does.

At 17/18, your childhood home is a huge, big, enormous deal to ‘lose’ it. My DH was devastated when his parents divorced and the family home was sold in his early 20s. But that emotional reaction is understandable and not a reason to impoverish yourself for decades more.

How do you think your DD will feel in 15 years time when you’re in an unstable financial position in retirement, with no options and in need of support, probably from her? Will she thank you then for letting her dad stay in that house, with his decent pension, while you struggle to afford to live? Or will she see it a bit differently with maturity?

I wouldn’t dwell on it with her. Acknowledge her upset, validate her emotions, absolutely. But practically and financially you need to put yourself first here, and you’ll actually be a better parent to her by doing that than by rolling over and shutting up.

You need to tell DD that it wasn't ever HIS house to leave to her, that it has always been yours and his house and of course usually parents leave their houses to their DC.

@RandomMess

You need to tell DD that it wasn't ever HIS house to leave to her, that it has always been yours and his house and of course usually parents leave their houses to their DC.

Also this - she needs to understand from a factual point of view that the house value is shared 50-50 between you both, that unfortunately her father cannot afford to pay you the 50% value without selling it, and so the house must be sold because her father cannot pay his debt to you.

You’re not forcing him. He had choices to get a mortgage on it at an earlier point or negotiate a different settlement that was fair but instead it had to go to court and they decided what was fair. It’s just maths and the law. Not you vs him.

My teenagers are very similar. I am trying to strike balance of 'they need a good relationship with their dad' and 'reality is their dad was selfish for many many years'. Its not easy!