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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child arrangements after divorce

36 replies

Sweetie1980 · 06/03/2022 07:25

Just wondering if what you agreed in mediation was stuck to after divorce . My stbex is requesting lots of overnights even though he has never been involved. I really want stability for the children and I am worried of the impact of him having so much as he has a bad temper and no patience when kids don’t listen etc , shouts a lot etc and can be verbally abusive . My solicitor said I can agree and of children are unhappy I can reduce contact as it won’t be court ordered , she thinks I should try it and then I will have solid reasons and not just anticipating problems . I am so stressed and it’s making me very anxious and depressed so I we need to agree so we can sell the house etc .. did your ex push back on contact once he realised he had to actually did It ?

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 06/03/2022 07:27

Is he requesting lots of contact to reduce the amount he has to pay in maintenance, but in reality he won’t want them that much ?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 06/03/2022 07:32

Possibly … he wants 5/14 and then 6/14 after six months , he said I can still collect them from school during his time and give them dinner

OP posts:
tryagaintonot · 06/03/2022 07:58

Of course he would want you to do that ! I would definitely say no to the collecting and tea - that's the hard bit he needs to factor in. He might change his mind if he has to sort that out.

GeneLovesJezebel · 06/03/2022 08:08

I agree, his contact days are his responsibility.
If he can’t have the kids due to work etc then he needs to reduce his contact officially.

millymolls · 06/03/2022 08:09

5-14 is not particularly a lot

How old are the children

Goawayangryman · 06/03/2022 08:14

5/14 is fairly standard ... But get to fuck with the collecting them and giving them tea. No way. He does it on his time, and he also needs to collect them Friday and drop them to school/ nursery on the Monday on his EOW.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 06/03/2022 08:14

5/14 is only for six months and then 6/14 . Kids are 6 and 10 . I currently do everything , mediator suggested he take them to school once a week

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 06/03/2022 08:18

6/14 would be Friday after school through to Monday morning, every other weekend. Pretty standard contact pattern, and certainly not "a lot" of contact.

I would absolutely agree to this pattern. But make sure it is Friday to Sunday EOW, not 6 random weekday nights when you do the heavy work and he has them round to sleep Hmm

tryagaintonot · 06/03/2022 08:22

Seriously I know you might want to do the collecting to see them and if there is a lot of activities then sharing that is logical but you need to step away on his days

Think to the future - you will always be the person doing the running around and he just gets them nicely deposited for a sleepover.

tryagaintonot · 06/03/2022 08:23

Although reading your OP again I see he may just take it out on the kids in which case in understand why you would

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 06/03/2022 08:24

He wants Wednesday to Sunday ( and me to pick them up during this time ) and Wednesday/Thursday night the week he doesn’t see them .

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 06/03/2022 08:27

No, his days are his responsibility, unless you want to do it.

spacehardware · 06/03/2022 08:27

There's two things going on here

  1. are you actually - with good reason - concerned about their safety / his ability to cope? It sounds like yes. If so I would want unsupervised / overnight contact to build up slowly, snd yes eventually 5/14 or 6/14 is pretty normal.

  2. you absolutely should not be picking them up/ doing school runs / preparing them dinner on his contact days. When he has them, they are HIS complete responsibility. If his working pattern doesn't allow him to cope with that, then either he will have to organise and pay for after school care, or that is another reason why the level of overnight contact he is seeking isn't practicable.

All that said, I agreed to a similar arrangement (which was worked up to in stages to allow the kids to get used to it, and ex husband to adjust his working pattern and coping ability!) and some give and take once you are into the routine of it is sensible. It is hard over the course of years to never need the other parents latitude for reasons of your own, so without being taking advantage of, do all you can to be accommodating. It is ultimately for your children's benefit.

DenholmElliot · 06/03/2022 08:33

Do NOT pick them up from school and give them dinner on his days!

HappyAsASandboy · 06/03/2022 08:33

Apologies, I read it all wrong as 6/30Blush

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 08:33

So... He wants you to pick them up from school, do homework, feed them dinner , then drop them at his house to sleep so he can reduce his child maintenance payments...is that right? And reduces your ability to work and earn an income as well.
No.
He would be expected to be responsible for them after school finishes, either picking them up and looking after them himself or paying for childminding.

LittleOwl153 · 06/03/2022 08:34

Oh no. If he wants them Wed to Sunday then HE is responsible for them from Wed school drop to Sun when he returns them to you. That's for everything. School drop off and pick ups, Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sick days and school holidays.

He's just playing a game of making them sleep at his so he can claim the nights and pay no maintenance! - he's going to pick a 6yr old up after dinner take them to his and out them to bed....

And only 1 school drop off... whose going to do the other day?

Nah don't be a mug and if that is what your solicitor is recommending - get a new one!

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 08:35

I take it he still thinks you are his staff.

GeneLovesJezebel · 06/03/2022 08:37

I think he is trying to control you, using the kids as leverage.
And he’s trying to reduce what he pays you.

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 08:44

I would worry that if you start off by picking them up and dropping them off " as a transition" you will never be able to stop, as you would have created a precedent.
If you want to transition contact I would suggest doing it with whole days, eg start off with exH picking them up on Friday after school til Sunday and if that is going ok, then picking them up on Thursday til Sunday

Weatherwax13 · 06/03/2022 08:44

Why the hell is your solicitor advising you to "just try" such a ridiculous scheme??
You're already worried about his horrible parenting.
Now you're expected to collect, feed and then send primary school aged kids to his place just to sleep there?
Absolutely no way you should facilitate that madness. And how bloody weird and unsettling for the DC.
ExH and solicitor need their heads read.
You're the only one thinking of the kids' best interests here.
Being accommodating is one thing. But this is idiocy. Don't allow yourself to be bulldozed.
Tell exH to get back to you when he has a realistic plan that won't unsettle the DC and doesn't involve you doing everything simply so he can say he has them multiple times a fortnight. Him telling them to clean their teeth and put their pyjamas isn't meaningful contact time.
It's all for show.

LittleOwl153 · 06/03/2022 08:44

On the basis of him wanting you to do the donkey work I would suggest the following:

EOW he picks up from school Friday and drops back to school Monday. HE has them for tea on the Monday he doesn't have the weekend. Try that for 3 months. If he survives he picks them up from school Thursday and keeps till Monday - doing all the pick ups drop offs and meals that time includes - as well as being responsible for school calls on the Friday. For 3 months.

He can then pick up Wed and the Monday he has them for tea at the 6 month mark.... increased gradually so the kids get used it it - but also so he understands what parenting involves.

The idea of shared care is that you can work too - not so you can (continue to) do his donkey work and he can reduce what he pays because he has them overnight!!

Beer2bed · 06/03/2022 08:45

Do not agree to do school pick ups and dinner on his nights! If he wants to have the DC then he needs to do 100% of the parenting on his time.

I got roped into that one as I wasnt working when we split up. Started job hunting and explained that he would need to start doing his own school pick ups etc and having DC during the day on his days during the school holidays. It caused a massive tantrum on exs part and months of stress. Please just dont even start it!

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2022 08:50

@Sweetie1980

He wants Wednesday to Sunday ( and me to pick them up during this time ) and Wednesday/Thursday night the week he doesn’t see them .
If this is what he wants, then you need to make it absolutely clear that he is responsible from Wednesday lunch time until Sunday at a set time eg 6pm. That way, he has full responsibility of picking them up from school on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and also looking after them if they’re I’ll and can’t go to school on those days. Make sure this is written into an agreement, and keep a record of what he actually does do on those days. If he has to use an after school club because he can’t get to school in time, he has to pay for it. If he has them on Wednesday / Thursday for tea, they don’t count towards his overnights.
Duracellbunnywannabe · 06/03/2022 08:54

@Sweetie1980

Possibly … he wants 5/14 and then 6/14 after six months , he said I can still collect them from school during his time and give them dinner
Of course he does. Then he doesn’t have to pay for childcare!