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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Child arrangements after divorce

36 replies

Sweetie1980 · 06/03/2022 07:25

Just wondering if what you agreed in mediation was stuck to after divorce . My stbex is requesting lots of overnights even though he has never been involved. I really want stability for the children and I am worried of the impact of him having so much as he has a bad temper and no patience when kids don’t listen etc , shouts a lot etc and can be verbally abusive . My solicitor said I can agree and of children are unhappy I can reduce contact as it won’t be court ordered , she thinks I should try it and then I will have solid reasons and not just anticipating problems . I am so stressed and it’s making me very anxious and depressed so I we need to agree so we can sell the house etc .. did your ex push back on contact once he realised he had to actually did It ?

OP posts:
millymolls · 06/03/2022 09:00

Agree with others
5kr 6/14 is ok
But he needs to do drop offs/collections/clubs/homework/food etc etc - ie being a parent
Don’t agree to do those

newbiename · 06/03/2022 09:06

@Sweetie1980

Possibly … he wants 5/14 and then 6/14 after six months , he said I can still collect them from school during his time and give them dinner
I bet he did - cheeky sod
tryagaintonot · 06/03/2022 09:33

This is actually really pissing me off on your behalf - I think the solicitor and mediator are crazy and are clearly not thinking about you or the children - as a previous poster said this will also be unsettling for the kids if you can focus on that bit as clearly you are worried about them rather than yourself (although you should be)

Liveandkicking · 06/03/2022 09:35

No, he needs to have them less often but ensure he takes time off work to look after them.

Liveandkicking · 06/03/2022 09:39

He can’t get every weekend either, that’s not reasonable especially as you are the primary carer. I disagree with your solicitor, don’t agree to things you think aren’t in the children’s best interests. Right now, you are the primary carer but in 6 months, he can say well we have shared custody so I get to make all these choices (almost certainly not in their interests!). Counter offer

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 09:46

I also disagree with your solicitor. You start doing the pick up and dinner to facilitate him still working til 5 (while you can't) then dropping them to sleep to reduce your CMS payments, them you run the risk of going to court and them saying you should continue doing this for the children's continuity and you will be shafted.

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 09:48

Financially that is, and you won't be able to provide properly for your children.

Maxiedog123 · 06/03/2022 09:54

@LittleOwl153

On the basis of him wanting you to do the donkey work I would suggest the following:

EOW he picks up from school Friday and drops back to school Monday. HE has them for tea on the Monday he doesn't have the weekend. Try that for 3 months. If he survives he picks them up from school Thursday and keeps till Monday - doing all the pick ups drop offs and meals that time includes - as well as being responsible for school calls on the Friday. For 3 months.

He can then pick up Wed and the Monday he has them for tea at the 6 month mark.... increased gradually so the kids get used it it - but also so he understands what parenting involves.

The idea of shared care is that you can work too - not so you can (continue to) do his donkey work and he can reduce what he pays because he has them overnight!!

This seems like a very reasonable plan to take to mediation
busyeatingbiscuits · 06/03/2022 09:55

I’d try something like Friday school pick up to Monday school drop off every other weekend, plus Tuesday school pick up to Thursday drop off on the alternative week.

That’s still 5/14 I think.
He needs to do school runs and dinner on his days.

TheBigDilemma · 06/03/2022 09:58

I think you need to be very clear with your ex and firm with yourself so he can understand that he is fully responsible for the children on his days. Otherwise you cannot use his contact days to work more hours, catch up with stuff needing to be sorted at home or even rebuild your life, and by rebuilding your life I don’t mean finding a boyfriend, what I mean is rebuilding that very important network of support you will need around you as a single parent.

My ex wanted 50/50 but… he wanted me to take to school, pick up if he was traveling (he was a lot of the time) and most importantly, if DS was unwell or off school on his days, he expected me to take a day off work to care for him as his “job was more important than mine” or he had “run out of annual leave”, or he had “forgotten” and was away from the country, which obviously ended up in me losing my job after asking permissions to leave unexpectedly dozens of times. It also resulted in me having to work in more flexible roles with even less responsibility (and much lesser pay) to accommodate his career development, even when I was no longer getting any benefit of it.

When I decided to stop “helping” him I was branded a bad mother by the world and their dog, my friends and my family included, but some way he realised that his aspirations for contact were unrealistic if he wanted not to be distracted at work. (I didn’t do it out of pettiness but the clear reality that I couldn’t afford to lose my job as that was the one thing that was paying for the roof over our heads).

After a couple of years, I learned he did all this 50/50 “we are equal parents fight” because that meant he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance and it could easily affect my entitlement to UC: one night more than 50/50 at his house in a year and he would get the CB and UC, which would have rendered me unable to provide a space for my son to stay with me overnight. I would also have to pay him child maintenance even when he was earning 7 times what I did.

HappyHedgehog247 · 06/03/2022 10:00

I think you need a better solicitor here and also to find some tough spirit. What’s ‘normal’ for other families is irrelevant. This is about what’s best for YOUR children based on their and your Ex’s temperament. It’s always easy for you to increase contact, it’s hard to reduce it. Child maintenance is based on nights if that is clouding this. How much contact/time with your Ex did the kids have while you were together? That’s a good basis to start from. Mediation and court survivor here. Got loads of advice and pressure on what was typical, ignored it all and started from my DCs needs.

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