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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DW didn't come home last night. DD7 crying for her and I am worried sick

37 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 10:22

We had a blazing row yesterday. Been going on for a while now. Arguements etc.
Said she wanted a divorce said this a few times now.

She hasn't come home. No answering phone calls or texts. Dd7 keeps asking dor her and crying.

Dw has done this before where she goes AWOL. She is definitely not having an affair.

Don't know if she's in a hotel or staying at brother's house.

I checked WhatsApp this morning and seen she had been on at 926am. I texted her saying dd7 had been crying and wanted her to ring dd7 at least. She's not read messages, but she had changed settings so I can't see when she had last been on. If I can see that it puts my mind at rest knowing she is ok.

Don't know what to do to keep my.mind from panicking

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 10:24

When she argued with me yesterday I've never seen her so angry. She was frothing at the mouth. Never sees my point of view or the impact of her own actions that it has ok me. I try to explain why I did x yz and she just shots ne down and blames me for everything.

I am female also

OP posts:
Goodbyecustardtart · 20/02/2022 10:24

Can you phone her brother?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 10:24

Tried but no answer

OP posts:
Goodbyecustardtart · 20/02/2022 10:25

I’m sorry. You must be so worried.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 10:26

She has taken her toothbrush and her work laptop. So think she planning on staying away for a while

OP posts:
FrecklesMalone · 20/02/2022 10:27

I would take DD out somewhere nice to distract her and yourself. Then seek couples counseling and see if this is resolvable.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 20/02/2022 10:27

It sounds like she’s likely safe but once she comes home you guys need to sit down and plan your separation this is a horrible situation to raise a child in.

willweevergetthere · 20/02/2022 10:31

It's not good.
You both should be shielding your DD from all of this.
They don't need to be put in the middle or used as a pawn to guilt each other.

If the arguing is so bad that your DD is crying you both need some space.
Your focus needs to be your child.

ExactlyThat · 20/02/2022 10:53

I am very sad for your DD. She must be really finding it hard hearing the arguments and then your DW leaving with no explanation. It’s very cruel to your DD.

For now, I’d tell her she’s gone away for some space from you following the argument (which DD must have heard) and that DW loves DD and misses her too, and provide DD with lots of opportunities to talk. Play lots, take her out, make her feel loved and supported.

MissyB1 · 20/02/2022 10:54

She might need her space but she’s being mean to her child by going silent. The least she could do is message dd or better still talk to her to reassure her. Kids don’t cope well with abandonment.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 10:59

Yes. I feel bad for dd7. We didn't argue in front of dd7. She was at her piano class.

I feel panicked as my mind is thinking all sorts of awful things that she might do.

I am taking dd7 to friends house so she can play

OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 20/02/2022 11:00

She can't just go awol on a child that's really not fair on dd =( if she needed space or time she should have expressed this so you could let dd know when she would be back ect =(=( poor kiddo

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 11:00

@MissyB1

She might need her space but she’s being mean to her child by going silent. The least she could do is message dd or better still talk to her to reassure her. Kids don’t cope well with abandonment.
You're right. She has done this before and since then think dd7 is insecure and worries where her mum is even when she's in the house.

I do I reassure her when I am feeling like this

OP posts:
Whatafielddayfortheheat · 20/02/2022 11:03

This is a massive red flag. The way she treats you is bad enough, but at least you are an adult and have some understandingof what is happening. The way she is treating her child is abusive, plain and simple. Unless this is a one off and totally out of character, it would be a deal breakers for me - I was subjected to similar psychological abuse by warring parents and it has led to serious emotional difficulties that have affected my whole life.

CrushedPistachios · 20/02/2022 11:04

Why is your daughter so upset if she didn’t hear any of the arguments? I think you should have just been breezy and said mums gone to the shops early this morning, hopefully she’ll bring something nice home for her! And then carried on with the day.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2022 11:04

If she’s taken her laptop and toothbrush her plan is to stay somewhere, so try not to worry about her safety.

Also try to manage DD. I know it must be tremendously hard, but she needs to be shielded as much as possible - mummy is away for work for a few days - or whatever you can muster.

This situation obviously isn’t tenable, so see a solicitor this week re divorce, financial and residency plans. If you think there’s a chance of saving it via counselling then you can do that, but you need some stable plans in place for your daughter’s sake.

slimshady18 · 20/02/2022 11:05

@CrushedPistachios

Why is your daughter so upset if she didn’t hear any of the arguments? I think you should have just been breezy and said mums gone to the shops early this morning, hopefully she’ll bring something nice home for her! And then carried on with the day.
What an unhelpful comment. Op has asked for help on what to do about her daughter, not what she should have done.
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 20/02/2022 11:09

DW did have a go at dd7 as dd7 hit her whilst she was lying in bed. Had problems with her hitting etc for a while. Getting help.

I went upstairs and had to remove dd7 off dw them dw was shouting at dd7. I had to restrain dd7 as she was going to go back and hit kick her. So it was a bit of a shouting match.

I took dd7 to piano lesson then returned and told dw not to shout and swear at dd7 like that. And she went CRAZY with me Blaming me for dd hitting her. She was so angry I've never seen her like that before

OP posts:
Severntrent · 20/02/2022 11:09

I think a white lie to dd, say mum cant call at the mo because she's working, but she told me to say she's thinking of you and looking forward to seeing her. But she might be a few days. And then carry on bright and breezy, but start planning to separate or at least get counselling.

willweevergetthere · 20/02/2022 11:23

@Whiteminnowfish

DW did have a go at dd7 as dd7 hit her whilst she was lying in bed. Had problems with her hitting etc for a while. Getting help.

I went upstairs and had to remove dd7 off dw them dw was shouting at dd7. I had to restrain dd7 as she was going to go back and hit kick her. So it was a bit of a shouting match.

I took dd7 to piano lesson then returned and told dw not to shout and swear at dd7 like that. And she went CRAZY with me Blaming me for dd hitting her. She was so angry I've never seen her like that before

Massive drip feed alert
Leilala · 20/02/2022 11:25

Can you make up another reason why DW is gone? I don’t understand why a 7 year old needs to know the truth.

I.e mummy has to go away for work will be back soon etc…

Soontobe60 · 20/02/2022 11:27

@Whiteminnowfish

DW did have a go at dd7 as dd7 hit her whilst she was lying in bed. Had problems with her hitting etc for a while. Getting help.

I went upstairs and had to remove dd7 off dw them dw was shouting at dd7. I had to restrain dd7 as she was going to go back and hit kick her. So it was a bit of a shouting match.

I took dd7 to piano lesson then returned and told dw not to shout and swear at dd7 like that. And she went CRAZY with me Blaming me for dd hitting her. She was so angry I've never seen her like that before

I think you have greater problems here than your dp not coming home. Your dd probably thinks she’s the reason her mum is not home. What help are you getting for your DDs challenging behaviour?
Ttcfinalbub · 20/02/2022 11:31

You've got much bigger problems here then dw.

Dw is an adult she is acting totally unfair and unreasonable and do needs yo be protected.

Problems at hand here ..
why is dd aggressive?
Dd probably thinks this is her fault now

Both need addressing ASAP

SeenYourArse · 20/02/2022 11:31

Sorry to ask but I think this IS relevant in this situation but who is DD’s mum? Who gave birth to her you or ‘D’w?? Not sure what I’m allowed to ask about this situation without getting flamed but it has an impact on the family dynamics obviously, her behaviour is obviously unacceptable and you cannot continue like this.

Antsgomarching · 20/02/2022 11:33

i’m not defending your DW but my toddler went through a patch where I was on the receiving end of all the tantrum related hitting and kicking. It took every ounce of self restraint I had not to go apeshit. If a 7yr old did that I think I would really struggle as she knows what she is doing is wrong.

Even then she shouldn’t just walk out, does she not trust herself to not smack your DD? I had to hand DD to DH or out her in her cot because I was really worried that I would react in a way i would deeply regret. Do you think she left because she’s struggling to cope?