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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

The 'ick' - how do I put it kindly?

29 replies

brightorbleakfuture · 15/02/2022 16:53

After many many years of sex dodging/dutifully doing it whilst trying to focus on anything else - I've finally told my H it is over.

It's been horrific and he's said all sorts of horrible things but ultimately he's just a man who is deeply hurting, I understand that.

We are now at the begging stage though and he's repeatedly begging me to go to counselling, give it one last try etc.

I don't love him any more and I 100% have the 'ick' - but how on earth do you say that to somebody without crushing them?

OP posts:
treasure47 · 15/02/2022 21:08

@brightorbleakfuture

After many many years of sex dodging/dutifully doing it whilst trying to focus on anything else - I've finally told my H it is over.

It's been horrific and he's said all sorts of horrible things but ultimately he's just a man who is deeply hurting, I understand that.

We are now at the begging stage though and he's repeatedly begging me to go to counselling, give it one last try etc.

I don't love him any more and I 100% have the 'ick' - but how on earth do you say that to somebody without crushing them?

I'm in a very similar situation. My husband is the only man I've ever been with and I've definitely got the ick. I think it's always been there to some degree (sexually), but we haven't been intimate for a while and I don't miss it. It's difficult though because he's a good person and I hate that I'm hurting him. Whenever I bring up the fact I'm unhappy and want to separate I end up feeling so guilty. He always just says he wants to find a way to make it work. The fact we have a young child just complicates everything too. Do you have children?
MadMadMadamMim · 15/02/2022 21:14

Is it possible to say firmly and kindly that you just don't love him anymore. That the feeling has gone and it will not be returning and that any kind of "counselling" is pointless as you don't want to be with him anymore.

GreenClock · 15/02/2022 21:16

I think you need to deal with the begging stage with, “no, I don’t think counselling would help, I definitely want to separate”. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Kind but firm.

You have been brave and bitten the bullet and told him that the relationship is over. That’s the hard part.

You don’t need to articulate that you’re sexually unattracted to him IMO. It may be the truth but it could mess him up for future relationships and serves no useful purpose.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 21:22

I had the talk, said we were over but I’m still here. I think he thought I had a bit of PMT or something, I’m living in limbo.

WormHasTurned · 15/02/2022 21:25

I’m just past this. Told STBXH it was over. He agreed then changed his mind, wanted to try again etc. I stood firm and said he needed to move out, at least to start with. Then we had lots of crying (him) and criticism of how calm I was! Yeah, I probably did seem detached but that’s somewhere I reached after a lot of heartbreak and frustration within the marriage. He did move out. I suggested he seek counselling on his own, he has and it’s helping. He’s now concluded we shouldn’t reconcile. Interestingly I sought legal advice, told my solicitor he wanted to try to reconcile and the solicitor laughed and said that was typical where a woman instigates the split. STBXH was very controlling in the marriage and this was his last attempt to gain back control. Weeks down the line he’s decided we are better off not reconciling Hmm
I’m glad I stood firm about him moving out. I feel like I can breathe again, think again. I would do similar in your position. Be calm, be firm. He’ll accept it in time.

Alcemeg · 15/02/2022 21:26

Could you say that your heart just isn't in it any more? We can't choose our feelings, however much we might wish we could.

Good luck, I know how tough this is Flowers

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 21:42

I think what’s key is not using the word ick, or getting into sexual attraction in any way.

Just repeat the same simple phrase eg No, counselling wouldn’t help, I definitely want a divorce, and for us both to be free to rebuild our lives. And go and see a solicitor to get things moving. Move out soon as you can.

treasure47 · 15/02/2022 21:52

The problem I seem to be having is that whenever I bring it up, my husband just can't understand it and it's like he needs definite reasons which I can't give, especially without being what I believe is unnecessarily harsh.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 22:50

I think you had a name change fail there.

It doesn’t matter if he understands it or not, just repeat the fact that it’s over, without getting into reasons or what your granny would call personal remarks. And go see a solicitor and focus on getting things moving.

treasure47 · 15/02/2022 22:53

@Luredbyapomegranate

I think you had a name change fail there.

It doesn’t matter if he understands it or not, just repeat the fact that it’s over, without getting into reasons or what your granny would call personal remarks. And go see a solicitor and focus on getting things moving.

No name change fail (I'm not OP, I'd commented earlier and was adding another comment) Sorry for confusion! And hijacking!
GeneLovesJezebel · 16/02/2022 07:18

You don’t need definite reasons.
Once we get to no fault divorce in April you can file without needing a reason, and your DH/DW cannot contest.

treasure47 · 16/02/2022 09:31

@GeneLovesJezebel

You don’t need definite reasons. Once we get to no fault divorce in April you can file without needing a reason, and your DH/DW cannot contest.
I don't think he'd see it like that. He said in some ways it would be easier if I'd had an affair because then there'd be a definite reason! I feel a bit powerless sometimes. I don't want to just plod along 😔 I think he's hoping things will just get better. Are you in a similar situation?
AtomicBlondeRose · 16/02/2022 09:33

Sometimes you just can't put it in the way they'll understand. My exH still feels like I left him with no explanation even though he knows it wasn't a good marriage. It's like if it's not "on the 4th December at 4.23 PM you did this..." then there's no reason at all. He would happily have plodded too.

GeneLovesJezebel · 16/02/2022 09:35

@treasure47 yes I am.

ShippingNews · 16/02/2022 09:38

You don't have to put anything kindly. You just tell him that you don't have any need for counselling, and that you are going to get a divorce. No hurtful details are needed .

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 16/02/2022 09:40

All the begging: ‘but why?’ etc is just him struggling to accept what is happening. You don’t need to give more information that wouldn’t help.

You’re not in love with him. That is enough.

GeneLovesJezebel · 16/02/2022 09:41

I believe that you can file for divorce yourself on line, then use a solicitor for financial.
In that case, maybe people need to just do it. Get the ball rolling.

Alcemeg · 16/02/2022 10:34

@AtomicBlondeRose

Sometimes you just can't put it in the way they'll understand. My exH still feels like I left him with no explanation even though he knows it wasn't a good marriage. It's like if it's not "on the 4th December at 4.23 PM you did this..." then there's no reason at all. He would happily have plodded too.
My ex-DH was like this too. He finally understood about 15 years later!
treasure47 · 16/02/2022 17:57

@AtomicBlondeRose

Sometimes you just can't put it in the way they'll understand. My exH still feels like I left him with no explanation even though he knows it wasn't a good marriage. It's like if it's not "on the 4th December at 4.23 PM you did this..." then there's no reason at all. He would happily have plodded too.
I'm also overwhelmed by the whole separation process (mortgage/finances etc etc) and I'm worried I won't be able to live through that without feeling horrendously guilty and then not being able to stick to my decision. How did you do it?!
Unknown83 · 16/02/2022 21:41

@WormHasTurned

I’m just past this. Told STBXH it was over. He agreed then changed his mind, wanted to try again etc. I stood firm and said he needed to move out, at least to start with. Then we had lots of crying (him) and criticism of how calm I was! Yeah, I probably did seem detached but that’s somewhere I reached after a lot of heartbreak and frustration within the marriage. He did move out. I suggested he seek counselling on his own, he has and it’s helping. He’s now concluded we shouldn’t reconcile. Interestingly I sought legal advice, told my solicitor he wanted to try to reconcile and the solicitor laughed and said that was typical where a woman instigates the split. STBXH was very controlling in the marriage and this was his last attempt to gain back control. Weeks down the line he’s decided we are better off not reconciling Hmm I’m glad I stood firm about him moving out. I feel like I can breathe again, think again. I would do similar in your position. Be calm, be firm. He’ll accept it in time.
Why did he have to move out when YOU chose to split?

My STBXW tried that BS on me (she cheated, I initiated proceedings though) and I gave her the cold, legal argument back. I'm not disadvantaging myself in legal proceedings for her benefit, we're separating.

Unknown83 · 16/02/2022 21:44

This reply has been deleted

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WormHasTurned · 16/02/2022 22:57

I instigated it but he agreed to it. He had a family member he could stay with and our DC and I have stayed in the family home. My circumstances are not yours. No-one has cheated, our marriage was miserable and I only voiced the inevitable. He’d hinted at it previously.

RandomMess · 16/02/2022 23:20

Perhaps you need to stand firm with "there is just no spark for me anymore and there hasn't been for a long time and I can't carry on like this anymore"

19Bears · 17/02/2022 12:05

I told my dh that we would never have a physical relationship again and that I just didn't have those kind of feelings for him. It took me years to pluck up the courage to say that, and his response was "you might not feel like that in six months." At that point (Nov 19) we hadn't had sex for 8 and a half years. It's now coming up to 11 years and nothing has changed. It's as if he didn't listen at all. So, my advice would be, say it as firmly as you possibly can, and make sure he understands this is a permanent decision, nothing will change it.

Unknown83 · 18/02/2022 11:54

Whilst I think it can come as an initial shock to men you might as well be honest. My STBXW was never honest about it with me but it was pretty obvious. My ex-wife had a lot of affairs at the end of our marriage too so I doubt she would get the same excitement from anyone in a normal relationship again (which is presumably why she fought quite hard to "save" our marriage long after it was obvious it was over, because she wanted the ongoing excitement of going behind my back).

What will likely happen is that your DH will very quickly feel the same way about you as you do about him. Men sometimes get a reputation for having sex purely based on a physical attraction but it's not really true. I got over the rejection within a week, I've got the confidence to know I can have a relationship with someone more compatible and I find the idea of having sex with my STBXW absolutely revolting now.