The 'ick' - how do I put it kindly?

[brightorbleakfuture]

After many many years of sex dodging/dutifully doing it whilst trying to focus on anything else - I've finally told my H it is over.

It's been horrific and he's said all sorts of horrible things but ultimately he's just a man who is deeply hurting, I understand that.

We are now at the begging stage though and he's repeatedly begging me to go to counselling, give it one last try etc.

I don't love him any more and I 100% have the 'ick' - but how on earth do you say that to somebody without crushing them?

I think, once you decide that it is over, there is no need to discuss things and go into details. Just like some of the other posters pointed out, come up with a sentence that is not very hurtful but clearly states that you are done and stick with it. Stay calm and collected and just keep repeating the same thing over and over. Short and sweet is the way to go at this point.

As someone who was on the receiving end please be kind when you go. My husband decided he was done and planned his exit very carefully. He had spent months planning how he was going to do it and waited until I was away to pack up all his stuff. I got a very brief 'I'm done' and no goodbye. Thirty years of marriage gone. The end of a marriage with no warning is brutal. The other partner runs joyfully into the sunset glad that the feared conversation went so easily whilst the one who is left is is deep shock. So be kind. Let them process. Have a discussion about splitting finances, housing, the children, pensions, in-laws, pets, holidays, telling people, the divorce process, life insurance and all the parts of a joint life that you are about to break apart.

If you feel the marriage is done at least let the other person that the promised to spend the rest of your life have time to get their heads around what this means for them before you go.

Hmmm. Tricky one, as your departure will depend on the other half in the relationship. I had to leave after months of planning as I was being controlled so heavily, that a ‘round table’ discussion wouldn’t have worked AT ALL… and I feared it would become physical.

I was very calm and very collected. I had been pushed waaay past any hope of reconciliation. Had done the joint therapy.

I’d written a letter which stated my reasons, which I was going to leave behind if I didn’t manage to get the words out.

However, I moved only a few miles away, and the dialogue continued at a distance.

So @brightorbleakfuture I think you need to do is give him reasons…just ALL the reasons except the ‘ick’. Maybe put it in writing…

@movingon2022

I think, once you decide that it is over, there is no need to discuss things and go into details. Just like some of the other posters pointed out, come up with a sentence that is not very hurtful but clearly states that you are done and stick with it. Stay calm and collected and just keep repeating the same thing over and over. Short and sweet is the way to go at this point.

This is easier said than done, at least for me. I've posted before on relationships about the bad bits of the last 20 years and our mutually abusive behaviour, been told to leave for both our sakes by MN and by a friend who is very wise. But DW does not want this. She went away for a few days after a meltdown that was truly horrible and came back to say she had not eaten, has missed me, wants us to do Relate. She is off work, on anti-depressants and pretty much in bed all day now. Anything I do is wrong and I'm told I can't wait to skip off to a happy life, that's just want her to disappear, that I must hate her if I don't love her, that being dead looks like her best option as she'll have to live in poverty and alone. I get that she is hurting so much and I get that she is scared. At 55 with maybe at most £150K equity in our home to split, neither of us will be ever living mortgage or rent free and as we live SE we won't be living anywhere nice either. I do think she will inherit from her family but even suggesting that leads to hostility and denial.

So I have no firm but kind phrase to use. I can't move out unless we sell the house as I have no family and I'm not willing to burden friends. DW could move out but absolutely doesn't want to.

I guess I stay until a divorce is finalised, however long that takes if she won't agree to it.