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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

I’m moving out next week and DH won’t discuss changes to childcare

26 replies

Levithecat · 01/02/2022 22:00

My separation has become really messy. I move out next Tuesday and we had agreed for STBXDH to come to my new place and do DC bedtime a few times a week and for us all to stay at his one night a week. I have realised that this is a terrible idea. He is hostile and I don’t trust him (he can’t have children overnight alone because of his drinking). I need to tell him I want to alter our plans but he keeps putting the discussion off. He’s also now delaying the hair analysis we’d agreed. All informally agreed at present. We start mediation in a fortnight.
Would it be acceptable for me to just email him, or should I ask my solicitor to get involved? I hate that we’ve left it so late for this talk.

OP posts:
Strongerthanyouthink · 02/02/2022 08:44

Those original plans sound like a nightmare. We often put these plans in place thinking we can do this amazing co parenting, where as the reality is most of us are not able to for various reasons. If he refuses to discuss I would email/text him plans. Keep it factual, no emotion, you do not need to send him a long message justifying your decision. You need to set up good boundaries, not being in each others houses. The children will get used to it and in lots of ways makes it less confusing for them. Good luck!

Theunamedcat · 02/02/2022 08:45

Is he violent?

Santahasjoinedww · 02/02/2022 08:48

Ime exes belong on the doorstep only.. Some may say its better for the dc for dps to be friends. Especially at the beginning of divorce most aren't friends.. Being honest with dc is also important.. Lessons about being respectful doesn't mean faking being friends..

Levithecat · 02/02/2022 09:03

Thank you all so much. My solicitor and counsellor said the same thing, and I’ve always struggled with boundaries with him. Hence thinking it was best for DC for me to have him in my home all the time. He’s not violent but he can be verbally / emotionally abusive, and lies to me constantly. He’s going to be furious about the change.

OP posts:
Levithecat · 02/02/2022 09:05

If he doesn’t find time to speak with me today I’ll send him a factual and clear email.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/02/2022 09:06

Move first then change the rules especially as he won't get the test done basically put a locked door that he doesn't have a key to between you and him you can always call the police if he comes over aggressively or blows up your phone

Possuminthereddress · 02/02/2022 09:09

Wait until you have moved out and there is a safe distance between you. Are you able to move out any quicker? Good luck.

formalineadeline · 02/02/2022 09:14

I agree to wait. The risk of an abusive man escalating to physical violence is greatest at the point of exiting the relationship.

Indoorcamping · 02/02/2022 09:16

@Theunamedcat

Move first then change the rules especially as he won't get the test done basically put a locked door that he doesn't have a key to between you and him you can always call the police if he comes over aggressively or blows up your phone
This really. He'll probably call you all the names under the sun but at least you won't be in the same house when he does. There's no point trying to be reasonable with an abusive man.
SoItWas · 02/02/2022 09:17

I tried similar with my alcoholic ex, it didn't work out. He would visit, disappear to "the shop" for an hour, and come back drunk, I'd tell him to fuck off, then make some excuse to ds for why he had to go home early.

We'd go to stay with him and he'd be in bed in a drunken stupor when we got up the next morning, and I'd have to make excuses again.

The arguments were just the same ones as when he lived here, just every other day instead of every day. He eventually ended up going on a bender, and harassing us terribly for a walk or so, before the police finally got a hold of him.

I wish I'd never started any of it, and had told him then to either find a sensible relative to supervise contact, or sort something out via social services. Even when he was on his best behaviour, having him in my home, being disney dad (he'd show up with a stack of presents, takeaways etc but wasn't paying me maintenence, so I bought all ds's clothes and shoes etc myself), and after all the shit he'd put me through, was hard to stick.

I think you're very wise to put your foot down now. E-mail him (polite but firm), and see if/how he reacts?

SoItWas · 02/02/2022 09:17

*for a walk week or so.

Santahasjoinedww · 02/02/2022 09:18

Your home should never be a place you accept being uncomfortable in.... He needs kept out.

NYnewstart · 02/02/2022 09:18

Blame the solicitor and counsellor for saying it’s a terrible idea, to deflect his anger away from you.

Keep saying that it’s best for the children to have a clean break otherwise it’s far too confusing for them, especially if the parents struggle emotionally with having each other still in their lives - which obviously will be difficult for you at least- if not him. Even if you were the best of friends it would still be confusing for them though. So thinking if the children, it’s best all round to have the clean break so they know exactly how things will be and they won’t have to deal with their parents emotions.

MaChienEstUnDick · 02/02/2022 09:20

I completely agree - do/say nothing until you move out. Keep yourself safe and away from conflict. Then once there's a lockable door between you, send a clear and factual email. You don't have to have him in your space - the fact he can't be trusted with the children is his problem, not yours.

Well done for getting away.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 02/02/2022 09:22

Yeah, my alcoholic ex “agreed” XYZ, then as soon as he left, argued constantly with me about him being supervised by me (our child was a newborn), never turned up for contact and our DC is 6 now and I’ve not heard from him in all this time. Through the grapevine I’ve heard that he’s now spiralled into drugs as well as drink and his family no longer speak to him (nor do they see DD).

It’s a blessing. He may well do the same.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 02/02/2022 09:24

Sorry, appreciate I'm missing the point but what's a hair test? What's it for? Is it like DNA?

LittleSnakes · 02/02/2022 09:26

Yes you need to have moved out first. Do not let him in your house or your new house will not be the peaceful place it could be.

Curiousmouse · 02/02/2022 09:51

Absolutely move out first

Theunamedcat · 02/02/2022 09:56

@ItsJustASimpleLine

Sorry, appreciate I'm missing the point but what's a hair test? What's it for? Is it like DNA?
No its to see if he is still drinking how much if he takes drugs etc your hair can tell you a lot
Levithecat · 02/02/2022 13:37

Gosh thank you all so much. Such wise words and a lot resonates - nipping to the shop, garage etc, being Disney dad.
I’ll have a think about waiting, I am maybe being too naive to think things wouldn’t get really nasty.

It’s also a relief that you’re unanimous. I can not wait to have a sanctuary for me and DC away from the chaos.

OP posts:
Levithecat · 02/02/2022 14:52

@ItsJustASimpleLine

Sorry, appreciate I'm missing the point but what's a hair test? What's it for? Is it like DNA?
@ItsJustASimpleLine as @Theunamedcat said it can tell a lot! Each cm is roughly one month, and you can test for excessive alcohol consumption and most drugs. So for example, if he goes ahead, we will get info about alcohol (poss drug) use over the past six months.
OP posts:
Levithecat · 02/02/2022 14:53

We’re meant to be getting it as a baseline, then so it again in six and 12 months. That had been part of our agreement to work towards shared care of the kids

OP posts:
Marmight · 03/02/2022 19:38

How will you know that he uses his hair for the sample each time?

Levithecat · 03/02/2022 23:42

@Marmight - a person comes to their house to do it. Same for blood samples

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 03/02/2022 23:47

I think that you need to be prepared to be solo parenting full time.