Will this pain ever end?

itsfreeeeeeezing1234 · 30/01/2022 20:21

Hand hold❤️ time will heal. I promise xxx

mabc · 30/01/2022 20:54

I'm feeling exactly the same . 23 years for us and he suddenly announced it was all over and over he'd met someone else . Feeling traumatised and devastated . I can't imagine ever moving on from this pain .

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 30/01/2022 21:09

Thank you both. @mabc I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It feels unbearable at times doesn’t it? Tonight is one of those times for me. Xxx

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ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 30/01/2022 21:31

I’m so sorry, I really feel your pain.

I’m 2 years down the road and the pain definitely eases but I still cry.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 30/01/2022 22:07

Oh goodness @ChittyChittyBoomBoom. I’m glad it’s easier after two years but it just doesn’t seem fair for it to still be painful for you.

My husband doesn’t want to know / doesn’t care how I am feeling. My emotions aren’t his responsibility he tells me. And he’s right of course but my god it hurts when we have been by each other’s side for so many years.

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Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 30/01/2022 22:10

I feel stupid and humiliated and pathetic. He has been very clear and I just can’t let go.

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RoyKentsChestHair · 30/01/2022 23:14

Please don’t feel stupid. Some men are just pathetic - they can’t cope with being alone and move on to the next woman without ever dealing with their shit. His new woman will bear the brunt of his issues, so don’t envy her.

You’re human and you’re grieving your long marriage, which is totally normal and natural. It means that when the time is right for you to move on you will have dealt with the sadness in an appropriate way.

Take your time, go easy on yourself, and plan some nice things for the coming year so that you have some fun experiences to look forward to with family, friends or on your own.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 30/01/2022 23:37

It’s devastating and it’s a type of grief.

I’m still grieving.

When I look back I cannot believe how far I’ve come! I was utterly, utterly heartbroken and couldn’t see a way or even a life going forwards. But I’m here and we’re doing ok on the whole. I’ve got a lovely house, I’m enjoying having time to myself, I’m enjoying seeing friends, I’m enjoying pleasing myself (time and money).

But I still miss our family as it was. I now know it was the right thing to do but I miss him and our family.

Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 00:10

@KeepOnChanging

I have posted here before under a different name.

Husband left in September. He’s now met someone else. I can’t bear the pain. I knew we had problems and they got worse in lockdown but he was my world. He doesn’t have even a glimmer of compassion for me anymore and I am finding it impossible to come to terms with. We were together for 19 years and I trusted him with my life.

Someone tell me that this pain will stop.

Your husband had the courtesy to wait until your relationship was over before he found something else, so if it's any consolation at least he respected you until the very end. My story was a little different but I imagine the pain was the same. My wife cheated, got caught, gaslit, cheated, got caught, gaslit on repeat for three years. The first two times were painful. By the fifth I'd stopped caring but she got the shock of her life when I filed. She didn't expect her reliable co-dependent to do that!

I don't know if it will be similar for you as it sounds like your ex-husband showed some respect and maturity in your break up. But regardless, just take your time and be kind to yourself. It will get better.

lomoloko · 31/01/2022 02:06

It does get better. It's just like any wound. It will heal, but it takes so much time.

You will rally again. Keep being as kind to yourself as you can. Let people help you. Don't look to him for that, but accept it from others.

The pain will stop in time. x

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 31/01/2022 11:31

Thanks everyone for the responses. I know I have to just accept this new reality and move on. My brain won’t let me stop thinking about all the wonderful times we had as a family. He’s decided it was all misery and I am focussing on all the good. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

Is it possible to actually be happy again? Not just getting through for the kids. I can’t imagine it.

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lomoloko · 31/01/2022 13:22

It is possible to be happy again. Of course it is. Your children are still beautiful, the sun still shines. There will be a day to come where you open your eyes in the morning and smile and don't think of him once. You have your own life ahead of you.

It's hard to imagine when life is like this, but it's true: you will be happy again. You can't rush it. You can't skip through this to get to there. You have to feel, really deeply feel your pain and your sorrow and your grief. It feels bottomless. But it isn't, and that doesn't say anything about much you loved him or how much this matters. All this matters deeply. It's huge. And you will get through it.

Good luck x

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 31/01/2022 14:39

I think I’m stuck. In disbelief that he just doesn’t care.

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ILoveAnOwl · 31/01/2022 14:44

I'm feeling exatly the same. We got the email today to say the nisi is bring read next month and I just want to weep and make it all stop.

Soul11Soul · 31/01/2022 14:56

Hello Op. You know that he is right. Your pain and emotions are your responsibility and I know that sounds harsh but the positive side of it is that you can do something about it. You have the power to heal yourself and not be dependent on his support or sympathy.

What help are you getting? Other PPS are right...you are grieving. Talking to a counsellor might help you with managing your thoughts. And take all the support you can from friends and family.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 31/01/2022 15:16

I have support thank you. We were each other’s support for so long though. I don’t have siblings and my parents are dead. He is in a similar position.

If anyone has really come out the other side having felt like this I would love to hear from you.

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Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 31/01/2022 18:48

@ILoveAnOwl I’m so sorry. It’s like a nightmare isn’t it? You keep thinking you’ll wake up. I really hope you can begin to feel better soon.

And then I hate myself for feeling like this. He’s just shut me out. Closed the door on the 19years we shared. Why can’t I do that?

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Hotmess1 · 31/01/2022 19:43

Hi OP - I can relate to how you feel and just want to tell you that you absolutely WILL be happy again. It’s very early days for you yet if it’s only been a few months since your husband left. I would say the first year is very, very hard - particularly anniversaries, birthdays etc but after that it DOES get easier.
Don’t be afraid to speak to your Doctor for help - I did as I was a bag of nerves the whole time, every time my phone went I would get a massive rush of anxiety and be shaking in case it was him etc, she prescribed me some low dosage meds and that really helped me. I hope you have some support in real life. I know that feeling of the feeling me person you want to talk to, the one person who could make you feel better, is the one person who has destroyed you. That’s how it feels right now but I promise it won’t always X

ErinAoife · 31/01/2022 19:55

I feel exactly the same. On my side, it is 4 years that we are separated as he did not love me anymore.the pain was unbearable, like your husband he did not care about me one bit, did not care that my world crashed. He moved on pretty quickly into another relationship, less than 2 months after the separation, his relationship lasted 2 years but a month later he was with someone else, lasted 6 months and 3 weeks later he was again with someone else still with her, it is a long distance relationship. Pain is still there for me, very hard to have your kids spending time with another women, feeling lonely when the kids are at their dad, wondering how I will afford to put them through college (it wasn't an issue before but now I have to be careful with money I had to take a new mortgage in order to buy his share of the house), the comments he had made about me about my physical appearance were very hurtful and shocking. I don't think I will be able to get over it, it is hard when you have no familial support around.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 31/01/2022 19:58

Thank you @Hotmess1. I have stuff from the doctor. Thank you. He’s also the one person I cannot stop having contact with because we have children. I wish I could just never hear anything about him again.

It’s good to hear that you came through it. I’m five months in so nearly halfway to it starting to get easier. (I know it’s not exact but it helps to think of it like that).

I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

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ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 31/01/2022 21:03

[quote KeepOnChanging]@ILoveAnOwl I’m so sorry. It’s like a nightmare isn’t it? You keep thinking you’ll wake up. I really hope you can begin to feel better soon.

And then I hate myself for feeling like this. He’s just shut me out. Closed the door on the 19years we shared. Why can’t I do that?[/quote]
The fact is, he chose to end the relationship so it’s likely he checked out long before he ended things. He had the chance to come to make his decision and come to terms with everything. You’re still reeling as it’s not what you wanted.

Do you have any friends in a similar situation? I had/have two and I can honestly say that they saved my life. They were at various stages further along the road to me and it helped endlessly to see someone right before my eyes who was not only surviving, but thriving. I’d not have believed it were possible otherwise.

worriedandannoyed · 31/01/2022 21:11

3 years down the line here. I promise it gets easier. It takes a very long time.

It helps that my ex has behaved really badly so it is easy to hate him and just not care. But I was in your position for a very long time. Now he can do what he likes.

I'm so happy being single and living on my own. I've rebuilt an amazing life for myself and my children and you will too in time. X

mabc · 31/01/2022 22:22

I can so relate to everything on here . When you have children with someone and you've been married a long time (we've been together for 23) you have certain expectations for the future based on trust and all the things you have experienced together as a couple and as a partnership . When that person withdraws bit by bit from family life , so slowly at first you hardly notice it , because they are having an affair and leading a double life , and essentially checking out of the family home, they unfortunately completely stop seeing you as a person . And then to have the whole thing laid at your feet in one go (as I did , back in November ) is actuslly extremely traumatic . But yet , they have no concept or care for your pain ! They don't even see it because they moved on from you months ago . So yes I feel your pain . It is like a bereavement . It's shocking and hurtful , On so many levels . But yet we have to stay strong for our children and for the future happiness which I truly believe WILL come . Sending you and everyone else who has experienced this good wishes for the future . Keep busy with the children , friends, Family and exercise . That's what I'm doing !

Stillfunny · 01/02/2022 05:33

@mabc says it perfectly. I kept thinking about how he just did not seem to CARE at all. I think I cried so much, he started thinking of it as normal. They have moved on emotionally long before they say anything or leave , but we are just only now coming to terms with it.
I am married 32 years and in the process of divorcing. I find it hard to believe the stilted communications I have to have with him. Like talking to a complete stranger , not someone I have shared a lifetime with. It is all so terribly sad but nothing can change it.
Like you , at the beginning of this unwanted journey , I was told by MNrs that it will take time , you will be OK and they were right. It is a truly awful time but eventually you will look back and be glad that he will never be able to cause you such pain again. Take care of yourself

Notlivinglife · 01/02/2022 06:33

I don't love my H anymore and haven't for some years, just going through the motions which sounds awful (been together 26 years). I told him i wanted a divorce & that i didn't love him the way that i should but then he threatened to kill himself if i left as he would have nothing to live for even though we have a grown up family (at home). He's a bully, a drinker and very insecure. I actually hate him and can't stand to be in the same room as him.
Not sure where to go from here.