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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Will this pain ever end?

44 replies

KeepOnChanging · 30/01/2022 20:20

I have posted here before under a different name.

Husband left in September. He’s now met someone else. I can’t bear the pain. I knew we had problems and they got worse in lockdown but he was my world. He doesn’t have even a glimmer of compassion for me anymore and I am finding it impossible to come to terms with. We were together for 19 years and I trusted him with my life.

Someone tell me that this pain will stop.

OP posts:

everyonebutme · 01/02/2022 06:53

@KeepOnChanging I've been where you are - my exH had an affair so checked out of our marriage whilst he was living his double life. The marriage breakup was painful and he actually turned quite nasty (despite he being his choice). Like others have said it's like grief - you suddenly no longer have the future that you always dreamed of. You go through all the stages of grief - shock, anger, denial, etc and gradually acceptance. I'm nearly ten years down the line. I'm still angry that I don't have the future that I imagined but I've met someone else and have some joy in my life. After the divorce I ensured I did lots with my children to make memories with them and had some me time too by taking up a new hobby and meeting people. I also go support from other people in the same situation. It does get better but it's not overnight. I also had anti-depressants and counselling.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 02/02/2022 11:19

Thank you all so much for responding. I am just feeling so desperate at the moment it's hard to imagine ever coming out of it. The smallest communication with him can set me off again. Imagining what he is doing with this new woman.

I am currently isolating as my son brought covid home from school. We all had it but I am still testing positive and will have to do the full 10 days isolation. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it tbh.

He is negative and out and about again. Seeing her I'm sure.

Everyone is just telling me to stop thinking about it. How do you stop?

OP posts:

Notlivinglife · 02/02/2022 13:56

@KeepOnChanging thank you for your reply and so sorry to hear that you are still going through this and having Covid as well.
You can't help feeling the way you do about someone. Feelings I'm sure just don't disappear.
Do you still love him perhaps?
I'm feeling really awful and upset today.
I have told my Husband I don't have any feelings for him anymore and that it's over.
Tbh it was over years ago but i know i have broken him and its killing me but i just can't pretend anymore. We are at each others throats every night and the atmosphere is tense and angry. Im dreading this evening.
He doesn't seem to want to accept it and says he will make my life hell!

Movemeforward5 · 05/02/2022 19:09

After 30 yrs i have just had nisi this week. Separated 2 years ago and have been doing ok but stbxh has started seeing someone and seems to have his life on track and I just feel so rubbish and sad. I’m determined to pick myself up, and have started trying to get more sleep and eat better. Having a bad day but I think that’s allowed occasionally. Stay strong, you deserve better.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 05/02/2022 20:17

I’m in a really bad place. He hates me. Thinks I’m some kind of psycho. Can’t bear this pain.

OP posts:

inheritancetrack · 06/02/2022 09:20

Stop thinking about him for your own sake and that of your children. Organise for someone to deal with contact so that you don't need to speak or communicate with him. See your GP. Take up exercise. Go out with friends. Anything to stop thinking about how hurt you are. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move forward. I found what made me stop the misery was just hating the bastard for his behaviour. The anger was stronger than the sorrow. By the time the anger began to fade and I realised it was wasted energy, the sorrow had gone.

Movemeforward5 · 06/02/2022 10:33

I agree with @inheritancetrack. Focus on day to day and fill the void with something new: sewing, wild swimming, reading, decorating, baking, gardening, volunteering. Appreciate what you do have and focus on the future. It WILL get better but takes lots of effort. 🤗

Stillfunny · 06/02/2022 11:37

You are not a psycho. It serves him to say that to justify his behaviour. And he only hates that he has to deal with the consequences of his actions .

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 07/02/2022 21:19

How are you today @KeepOnChanging? I’m sorry that’s things are so difficult ☹️.

Why do you think he hates you?

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/02/2022 22:26

@Stillfunny

You are not a psycho. It serves him to say that to justify his behaviour. And he only hates that he has to deal with the consequences of his actions .

We’re all the “crazy ex” - that’s how you know he’s an arsehole. Amazing the number of psycho crazy women out there, but all of these men are soooo well adjusted! I can honestly say that if a man in the future tells me his ex is crazy I will walk out there and then, saving myself a lot of heartache!

whysoserious123 · 07/02/2022 22:28

100%

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 07/02/2022 23:18

Hello. I’m ok thank you all. @ChittyChittyBoomBoom, I know he hates me with every interaction we have. He’s either angry or completely cold and officious.

I’m regaining a bit of control (I think). Got to get on with my teacher training course - been crying for a week and done nothing. Really need to not mess it up.

OP posts:

zgirldreamsoftulum · 07/02/2022 23:25

@KeepOnChanging I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm going through a similar experience and it's so so hard. I find comfort in some of the previous posts by people who have been through this less recently and have built or are rebuilding their lives. I'm determined to do the same- but some days it feels really hard.

Original poster

KeepOnChanging · 07/02/2022 23:40

@zgirldreamsoftulum, hello again. I wasn’t going to post again but really, things can’t get much worse. Hope you’re ok.

OP posts:

zgirldreamsoftulum · 07/02/2022 23:56

Oh @KeepOnChanging - I remember, I'm sorry it's still so hard. I'm up and down to be honest. I still feel desperately sad and sometimes feel so angry about the lies my ex told and the ways he's been mean to me. But there are good times too - when the kids are really sweet or friends are kind - I'm trying to hold on really hard to those. Thinking of you and sending you all the best.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 08/02/2022 08:50

Glad you’re ok 😊. In the moments you feel strong, take the chance to do something positive; do some work for your course, see friends, treat yourself. It will stop everything feeling bleak.

Courage2022 · 11/02/2022 13:43

I understand your fear and pain. Two weeks ago my husband told me he felt trapped in our marriage and wants a divorce. He's left the family home and is treating me like some kind of business transaction that needs dealt with. 21 years together and two young teenagers. The pain is indescribable when he comes to collect the children for activities. I feel like my life is over and I have absolutely no idea how to get through it. It really is terrifying. X

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 11/02/2022 21:03

I’m so sorry @Courage2022. I was where you are now exactly 2 years ago so I really understand the pain you’re in. It WILL get easier. It’s just really, really shit in the meantime.

minniesdragg · 11/02/2022 21:16

You will feel better I promise you, just hang in there and take it one day, one step at a time. True love is what we feel for our children and our friends, it is wasted on men who can treat us so badly. x

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