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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

If you had mediation as part of a divorce...

36 replies

lljkk · 30/01/2022 20:05

Did you really only have 2-6 sessions?
2-6 is suggested online as "typical"

If mediation failed, were you glad to go to court instead?

Friend's mediation seems to have been many more than 2-6. She's afraid to go to court but I wonder if it would be best, after all.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/01/2022 22:08

Yes I had one mediation session where it became quite clear that my ex had no intention of reaching an agreement with me he just wanted to slag me off to the mediator.

I went straight for a court hearing from then on representing myself. The judge gave me half of everything.

wobytide · 30/01/2022 22:44

Had one session and the other party realised the courts weren't going to be on their side and wave through all their demands so they negotiated outside of mediation/courts

SanFranBear · 30/01/2022 22:46

We had about 3 - did fuck all really as whatever was agreed was backtracked on approx 30 minutes after leaving the session (after ExH had spoken to the OW). It has its place and you have to show willing before most courts will hear your case but sounds like your friend needs to just bite the bullet and head there.

Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 00:26

The vast majority of divorces don't go to court so they must work for most people! I'm having a bit of difficulty with my STBXW making silly demands for joint lives spousal maintenance though and I will say using mediators on their own is not a great idea because their knowledge of the courts and financial/childcare settlements is not that good. A lot of them tend to be more on the counselling side and trying to get you to agree (or, if in the same room, talk reasonably).

After my first session I've decided I'll use a solicitor not in order to go to court but to get decent advice in order to avoid an unfair settlement. I've offered to give my wife an extra £2k from the assets from my negotiating position to do the same because the trouble with the mediator has been "anything is possible, just talk."

My STBXW needs to hear the following from a solicitor:

  1. You are not even 40 yet, you are not going to get spousal maintenance for life;

  2. Courts prefer a clean break and they expect you to work;

  3. Yes, you probably will get more of the assets but it will not be a 100:0 split in your favour if you cannot get spousal maintenance. Your ex has needs too;

  4. EOW is no longer a normal childcare arrangement and it will raise eyebrows if you ask for it after a year when you have done 6/8 because it looks like you are doing it for the money and to avoid working;

  5. You might get a Mesher Order, but not for 15 years.

In contrast, my mediator happily nods away to all kinds of things a court would never order.

Original poster
lljkk · 31/01/2022 07:14

Friend & her STBxH are paying £200/hour for the mediator - I think they've had at least 6 sessions now.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 31/01/2022 07:19

Had 3
Absolutely superb
Key is to find mediator that BOTH respect

Toanewstart22 · 31/01/2022 07:19

Worth noting that no this party involved and we got on well

Original poster
lljkk · 31/01/2022 07:32

Friend's mediator keeps losing track of basic details like the main assets -- friend was warned not to use this mediator by her lawyer but lawyer wouldn't be specific why not. There are loads of complicated aspects I don't want to repeat because it's friend's life not mine, but yeah, I think I'm seeing a situation where mediation isn't working ! TY again.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 31/01/2022 07:36

Her lawyer warned her against the mediator
And yet she ploughed on anyway
Doesn’t sound like perhaps she’s the right candidate for mediation!

Toanewstart22 · 31/01/2022 07:36

Of course lawyer not going to be specific
Possible slander / libellous

KatyAnna · 31/01/2022 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatyAnna · 31/01/2022 07:40

Sorry just read your update.
If the mediator is not competent, try one who is recommended? The issue with us was not the mediator, who actually did help with getting some aspects resolved.

Lotsofsunshine · 31/01/2022 07:41

We ended up having about 13 sessions for finance. Slow tedious progress and our mediator was very good. It is harrowing though and you really need to make sure you get advice from solicitor and barrister to make the most of it

Original poster
lljkk · 31/01/2022 08:30

i think she was recommended a different mediator who wasn't available as soon, is why she ended up with Duff-Medr.

It's a salutary set of lessons about how to choose mediator & how long to try mediation, agreed! Friend thought mediation would be cheaper & quicker. From quitting mediation to getting court decision, how long does it take for court decisions to happen if they get on path to go to court?

I'm going off on a tangent now,... I think one reason progress is slow is bc friend is afraid to let go of process because that means letting go of the marriage (finally). It feels to me like friend is throwing obstacles into the process - but I don't know how much people are supposed to 'fight' for their interests, it just feels to me like it's an expensive & unfair process to everyone -- but it doesn't have to be a slow agonising experience as well.

I'm only a supporter. I'm finding I want to give less support because of the seeming lack of will to get this horrible experience over with. Friend is saying more & more pessimistic things about her future being empty. My friendship powers are too mediocre for this situation.

OP posts:
RedLines · 31/01/2022 09:09

I went into Mediation thinking that they would be an honest broker between two positions and be able to say H you're unreasonable on this point, or W you're unreasonable on that point.

What has happened is that they are not prepared to offer any view on the reasonableness of either claim or position and treats them as equally valid, even when they appear to me to be absurd.

At £500 a session, split between us....it is a waste of money.
I don't see is as a solution for me. If there is no compromise from one side then there is no point.

Slow and agonising is exactly my experience of divorce!

comfortablyfrumpy · 31/01/2022 13:02

3 sessions before I realised we were never going to get anywhere, and asked the mediator to sign us off. I then issued Form A.

PeeAche · 31/01/2022 13:31

I had mediation. I was 26 and married to my "childhood sweetheart" for 5 years. We had no children.

My mediator was actually an ex judge which worked very well for us. We had about 9 sessions. I was ready to be wrapped up by 6 but suddenly my ex-SIL got involved and convinced my exh to go for the jugular.

He didn't work and I was the only earner so he made off with 50% of everything. It was bloody awful. His stringing it out was costing me money because the sessions were expensive (I can't remember how much) so he got me to agree to covering all the costs of the house sale out of my half of the proceeds.

I had put £18k deposit into our home. All my own savings. When we divorced the equity was about £21k (only owned it for 2 years). After the split and the costs and the solicitor's fees etc, I was left with just under £6k. I used it to put a deposit on a rental and pay off my car loan. 5 months later, my car was stolen from my driveway as I slept.

This was probably my rock bottom.

Don't marry that loser, ladies. Don't put all of your money into him. Don't think he'll change. And mediation sucks.

fernsandlilies · 31/01/2022 13:46

Try a private FDR instead. It resembles a mediation in that it is about discussion and attempted agreement, but it is conducted by an expert in financial cases who will give their informed opinion on each side's position.

The cost for a day may seem high but it would replace multiple mediator sessions at £500 a time, and the success rate is good.

PicaK · 31/01/2022 14:25

We had the initial sessions each where we were assessed to see if suitable for mediation.
Then 1 mediation session lasting 90 minutes. We were done and dusted then.

Wed both had separate sessions with our own solicitors so were aware of best we could get and worst we could get.
We both read widely about what judges look for and bought into the start again on an equal footing ideal.
But we'd had a lot of counselling (at 65 quid an hour so much much cheaper) where we'd thrashed out some of our thoughts about what the kids needed etc and how we were going to manage as co-parents.

MissSmiley · 31/01/2022 18:49

We had about 6, my ex thought it was therapy and completely misunderstood what the purpose of it was. Second divorce for him but clueless.

MoreSmoresthansnores · 31/01/2022 20:55

How much input should the mediator have. Ours won't read anything or give any neutral advice and now in session 4 might even be 5. It would be better if she'd just tell my ex the law! We already stopped mediator once at beginning. I'm just wondering what the point is other than to save money!

TeaOnTheMountain · 31/01/2022 21:14

“What has happened is that they are not prepared to offer any view on the reasonableness of either claim or position and treats them as equally valid, even when they appear to me to be absurd.“

This is exactly my experience. My ex went, refused to declare any business assets which he’d put into trusts that he was the trustee and beneficiary of and offered me about £2.50. The mediator at no point advised me to seek legal advice on that or the validity of his offer. I was by far the more vulnerable party.

It’s immoral.

Original poster
lljkk · 01/02/2022 14:04

Thanks for further posts... Friend seemed to think that her Ex would be (& is) more civil & reasonable if his comms all pass by eyes of mediator. I should say friend is fairly fragile and even a very subtle comment from her STBXH can wind her up (like... if he said she wasn't good at cleaning house, friend actually worries about a stupid comment like that).

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 01/02/2022 14:24

My bf and his ex did and he said it was a waste of time and money because his ex never budged on her (unreasonable) demands but if it goes to Court, they want to see that couples have tried Mediation especially where kids are concerned which makes sense to me.

OP, I don't think your friend is in the right frame of mind to discuss what is fair for her so it would be best if she uses a solicitor who knows what she can ask for in her best interest and does it for her.

Unknown83 · 01/02/2022 14:45

I'm still fairly new to the nuts and bolts of getting a divorce and a few days ago I thought mediation was rubbish because the person running the session just nodded along to everything and gave my STBXW in particular unrealistic expectations. My view has slightly altered for two reasons:

  1. I think it can work if you have solicitors involved who can explain the alternative to agreement at mediation. My STBXW finally met a solicitor for the first time today and has dropped her demand for spousal maintenance. Now we can actually talk about more practical matters like how to house ourselves.

  2. Not all mediators are created equal. My STBXW has agreed after her expectations from the last session were shattered to find a mediator who has some kind of understanding of the law.