If you had mediation as part of a divorce...

[lljkk]

Did you really only have 2-6 sessions?
2-6 is suggested online as "typical"

If mediation failed, were you glad to go to court instead?

Friend's mediation seems to have been many more than 2-6. She's afraid to go to court but I wonder if it would be best, after all.

Thanks in advance.

I was offered mediation but didn’t take it as the thought of being in a room with my Exh was too stressful. We negotiated between via email (so there was a paper trail) I told him it was that or court and I was pretty happy with our arrangement.

This thread shows that there are lots of different approaches.
It all depends on how reasonable and willing to compromise the parties are.
In my case there is neither reasonableness nor compromise and I have stuck at it for the sake of the children, but have decided to call it a day.

I am flogging a dead horse.

Go into Mediation by all means, but they are only interested in getting a deal done, not in the fairness of that deal.

Will work for some, but not for me.

@RedLines

This thread shows that there are lots of different approaches. It all depends on how reasonable and willing to compromise the parties are. In my case there is neither reasonableness nor compromise and I have stuck at it for the sake of the children, but have decided to call it a day.

I am flogging a dead horse.

Go into Mediation by all means, but they are only interested in getting a deal done, not in the fairness of that deal.

Will work for some, but not for me.

You had a shit mediator

Our mediator was superb

At the end of final one she turned to me and said… how do you feel. I said “ok”. She turned to my ex and asked same questions and he said “ok”

She said this is the sign of a success. She doesn’t want anyone to walk away to think they’ve either “won” or “lost”

No, I agree with RedLines that if the other party is not willing to compromise or be reasonable, then it does not matter how good the mediator is, it will fail. Been there, done that.

I suppose what intrigues me is the expectations some people expected mediator to tell other party what was possible or sensible to police how reasonable their suggestions are. Friend is convinced that mediator is taking "his" side, too.

Online only mediation - Friend only attends mediation with camera off so that STBXH can't see what she looks like nowadays (hair, clothes, weight, etc). Sometimes she can't bear to even listen to his voice.

My experience with mediator was very disappointing. My ex wanted us to do it all by ourselves and I did not agree, so we finally decided on a mediator but I had to look for the cheapest one as he kept complaining about the cost. We had one individual session each and one two hour session together and that was that. We were supposed to meet again but she supposedly had family emergency and could not continue. I then decided to get a lawyer ( i live in North America) and oh my what a difference this made.

In our case, mediator did not do anything except making sure that the conversation is civil. She did not advise on anything, gave any ideas as to what needs to be discussed etc. She even made it worse for me, because she suggested I gave my ex spousal support (he was laid off due to Covid and at that time was on a lower paid job then me) and suggested I had to be giving it to him forever. Because he did not take any counsel from anybody (or so he claimed), he hang on to her words and expected this. My lawyer told me that this was not expected of me since he had capacity to earn as much as me and is not currently earning so much less anyway. Also, the kids are living with me (all three but only one is a minor), so I offered him only 14 months worth and he accepted.

We are not poor but do not have much really. We rent and only have a little bit of savings, so it was fairly easy split, still I strongly suggest talking to a lawyer/solicitor first because there are things she may not know, understand etc. After she finds out what her rights are, what she can expect, what she is entitled to, getting a mediator is just to help talk to a partner, more or less. I know that there are mediators who have background in law, so these may be more helpful.

@KatyAnna

No, I agree with RedLines that if the other party is not willing to compromise or be reasonable, then it does not matter how good the mediator is, it will fail. Been there, done that.

Oh i agree that both have to be on board

I had a great experience with mediation. The mediator drew up the financial agreement, explained my options. I then had my solicitor advise on what had been agreed, and that was that! I believe we had 4 mediation sessions at £130 per hour each, I then paid £150 for my solicitor to look over the agreement.
The key is finding the right mediation company, ours had a legal background, so knew their stuff.

I’d say go for solicitor. We agreed a finance split at 3rd session on the assumption I found a job as I was previously sahm. 6 months later when I found a job stbxh backtracked and refused to complete previously agreed finance split Mediator was ex-solicitor, and enabled us to speak but didn’t give much in way of advice. I feel relieved now that solicitor will trawl thru our finances and feel pressure is off me to d3cide what’s fair, but not looking forward to the costs and hoping to agree before actual court.

A good mediator should never tell people what they should be doing. They can provide some general advice but that would be available somewhere. They should never suggest anything. If they do, they are not adhering to the values of their training body.

A good mediator focuses on what each person needs and how these needs can be met. They never ever take side. They show empathy, never sympathy. They ensure that communication is fluid and that both can express themselves freely and each listen to the other. There has to be a willingness to negotiate and compromise.

The best mediators are not always those with legal background because although they should have a minimal understanding of legal proceedings, they should never give legal advice.

Anyone looking into mediation should ensure that their mediator has received training with one of the recognised mediation bodies, ideally the Family Mediation Council, and are accredited or not far off accreditation.