This is really difficult to write, but, I have to open up somewhere because I'm too embarrassed with my situation to confine in family or friends.
I have been with my OH for 7 years, married just 6 months.
Since we got married, things have been awful. We had a little fall out with my side of the family just after the wedding which did cause some tension and conflict, and it has just continued and intensified...
It came to blows at Christmas, when I shamefully lashed out, and I got violent, and hit him several times. I absolutely hold my hands up! I was so so disgusted I myself and I would of accepted and understood if he choose to leave after that, because I respect that he may well want to put his hands on me sometimes but doesn't, because it isn't right, and it is in no way right that I did. I apologised immediately, wholeheartedly, and he could see my guilt was eating me up.
He stayed and said we could move past it, and for me I knew that was the wake up call I needed that I needed to sort myself out, I needed to get my head straight, I needed to be thinking before I spoke and react, I've started therapy, I'm already on meds for mental health, have been got a long length of time, it's a personal struggle of mine I've been battling hard with.
Since then, with a clearer head. I'm seeing things differently, while I still hold my hands up in regards to the violent incident... I begun to realise, how out of character that was for me and why, why did I behave that way, and I reviewed the previous weeks and months and how beat down I'd felt, how much guilt I was being made to carry everyday for everything, a messy house, a stressful day, no money, family problems, every argument was my fault, it was me and my mental health, I was crazy, I was delusional, I was a mess, "look at yourself", being called a bitch, having holes punched in my walls, my doors, after being told I'm an attention seeker for saying I felt suicidal, "if you wanted to do it you would, wouldn't you!" Being told again and again, you need professional help you do...
I'm a completely broken women. I recognise that now. And my eyes are fully open...
last weekend, I asked him for help around the house because I felt it was all getting on-top of me and I felt stressed.
Side note - we both work 5 days a week, mon- fri, I take care of absolutely everything, and I mean everything. The only contribution he makes to this household is that he pays half of all the bills: I pay the other half.
I do the food shop, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, putting away, maintenance, decorating, feed and take care of the pets, pay our bills and manage our finances, even had to take out two loans in my name shortly after we'd brought our home because he'd racked up £15,000 in debt behind my back and had shot his credit.
He literally just goes to work, and comes home.. that's all that's required of him.
Yet, his response when I asked him for help was that he doesn't think to do it because I've always done it so it's not his fault is it.
And if he wants to lie in bed until 11am on the weekend he's entitled to, it's his fucking weekend. Not my fault you've done it all before I'm up.
(My point being if I wait until he's up and showered at midday, and then he does all of what I've done whilst he's laid up in bed, we won't get to go anywhere on that day)
Ask any bloke, it's the way it always is. If you want help, you need to tell me what needs to be done and remind me to do it.
To which I said, so, it's effectively still my responsibility to think about it needing to be done and see to it being done, because you aren't capable of seeing it needs doing and doing it without prompting?
To which I then endured a 5 hour argument about how I was being difficult because I don't want to have to tell him/remind him.
Well then I can't complain that I have to do it all because he's willing to if reminded and I'm just being difficult. We then didn't speak for 24 hours... I didn't eat for a full 36 hours. And then Monday swings round and I'm expected to carry on like normal. While he brushes aside what's happened with a 'I've heard what you've said ok, give me a kiss'
The week rolls on, he hasn't lifted a finger. I asked him Thursday to do dinner Friday evening. He said fine, he came home, we're ordering dominos, ok... great. .... 'out the joint account' so the one night he's been asked to take responsibility he's ordered a takeaway that we're both now paying for....
He then wakes me up at 8am on my first day off, because he wants to go and get a car part. 'Go back to sleep babe' then in and out of the house, banging doors, disturbing the dogs, barking, car revving.... so I'm up! I say to him in annoyed that he woke me so early on my day to have a lie in.
Straight up called pathetic and told 'I'm starting again' then continues to talk down to me for two hours. I haven't changed, I'm this, he's done with my shit, he isn't doing this anymore... he doesn't give a fuck about what I have to say. And then repeatedly telling me, I don't give a fuck, shut up, I don't give a fuck, shut up.
And then we spent the remainder of that evening and now following day in separate rooms not talking..
I'm so lost, I know his behaviour isn't ok. I feel like my marriage is over already, 6 months in.
He doesn't change, he doesn't even acknowledge there is anything wrong with the way he behaves.. as soon as you say anything against him, it turns into a 6 hour long argument. He is incapable of taking any criticism, he just manipulates the situation and twists it to make it seem like it's me and my mental health....
I don't know what to do?? I'm so so embarrassed. We've had arguments in the past, but they've always resolved and we move on and don't argue for months on end...
but since we've been married, it's horrendous. It's every single week and it's drags into days...
it's really toxic and it's breaking my heart. I feel like I don't know my husband. He isn't the man I knew before we said our vows. We've haven't been intimate since our wedding day. Yet we agreed to start trying for a baby after our wedding, that was always the plan, I've even stopped contraceptive. But, we haven't been close enough to even contemplate it.
My friends around me are all falling pregnant, some for the second time, and it hurts me a little each time.
I feel like I'm living a lie. Like, the relationship people knew us to have prior to the wedding isn't what it is now.... now, it's awful. I've always been told marriage can be hard work and you have to work at it, but then I think, surely it isn't meant to be anything like this!!!
I have doubts about throwing it all away.... we've been together 7 years. Is that worth more than the 6-8 months of this shit?
Is it going to get better? Or has this set the tone of what our life together will be like?
I feel crushed, honestly, broken. This is nothing like what I imagined married life to be. I feel so so lonely. I'm far too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this, I know they'll all judge, and I honestly can't handle that judgement.
Am I the problem?
What would you do? Have you been in a similar circumstance and it's got better?
Thank you in advance.