Only 6 Months Married!!!

[dogmumma]

This is really difficult to write, but, I have to open up somewhere because I'm too embarrassed with my situation to confine in family or friends.

I have been with my OH for 7 years, married just 6 months.
Since we got married, things have been awful. We had a little fall out with my side of the family just after the wedding which did cause some tension and conflict, and it has just continued and intensified...

It came to blows at Christmas, when I shamefully lashed out, and I got violent, and hit him several times. I absolutely hold my hands up! I was so so disgusted I myself and I would of accepted and understood if he choose to leave after that, because I respect that he may well want to put his hands on me sometimes but doesn't, because it isn't right, and it is in no way right that I did. I apologised immediately, wholeheartedly, and he could see my guilt was eating me up.
He stayed and said we could move past it, and for me I knew that was the wake up call I needed that I needed to sort myself out, I needed to get my head straight, I needed to be thinking before I spoke and react, I've started therapy, I'm already on meds for mental health, have been got a long length of time, it's a personal struggle of mine I've been battling hard with.

Since then, with a clearer head. I'm seeing things differently, while I still hold my hands up in regards to the violent incident... I begun to realise, how out of character that was for me and why, why did I behave that way, and I reviewed the previous weeks and months and how beat down I'd felt, how much guilt I was being made to carry everyday for everything, a messy house, a stressful day, no money, family problems, every argument was my fault, it was me and my mental health, I was crazy, I was delusional, I was a mess, "look at yourself", being called a bitch, having holes punched in my walls, my doors, after being told I'm an attention seeker for saying I felt suicidal, "if you wanted to do it you would, wouldn't you!" Being told again and again, you need professional help you do...

I'm a completely broken women. I recognise that now. And my eyes are fully open...
last weekend, I asked him for help around the house because I felt it was all getting on-top of me and I felt stressed.
Side note - we both work 5 days a week, mon- fri, I take care of absolutely everything, and I mean everything. The only contribution he makes to this household is that he pays half of all the bills: I pay the other half.
I do the food shop, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, putting away, maintenance, decorating, feed and take care of the pets, pay our bills and manage our finances, even had to take out two loans in my name shortly after we'd brought our home because he'd racked up £15,000 in debt behind my back and had shot his credit.

He literally just goes to work, and comes home.. that's all that's required of him.
Yet, his response when I asked him for help was that he doesn't think to do it because I've always done it so it's not his fault is it.
And if he wants to lie in bed until 11am on the weekend he's entitled to, it's his fucking weekend. Not my fault you've done it all before I'm up.
(My point being if I wait until he's up and showered at midday, and then he does all of what I've done whilst he's laid up in bed, we won't get to go anywhere on that day)
Ask any bloke, it's the way it always is. If you want help, you need to tell me what needs to be done and remind me to do it.
To which I said, so, it's effectively still my responsibility to think about it needing to be done and see to it being done, because you aren't capable of seeing it needs doing and doing it without prompting?
To which I then endured a 5 hour argument about how I was being difficult because I don't want to have to tell him/remind him.
Well then I can't complain that I have to do it all because he's willing to if reminded and I'm just being difficult. We then didn't speak for 24 hours... I didn't eat for a full 36 hours. And then Monday swings round and I'm expected to carry on like normal. While he brushes aside what's happened with a 'I've heard what you've said ok, give me a kiss'
The week rolls on, he hasn't lifted a finger. I asked him Thursday to do dinner Friday evening. He said fine, he came home, we're ordering dominos, ok... great. .... 'out the joint account' so the one night he's been asked to take responsibility he's ordered a takeaway that we're both now paying for....

He then wakes me up at 8am on my first day off, because he wants to go and get a car part. 'Go back to sleep babe' then in and out of the house, banging doors, disturbing the dogs, barking, car revving.... so I'm up! I say to him in annoyed that he woke me so early on my day to have a lie in.
Straight up called pathetic and told 'I'm starting again' then continues to talk down to me for two hours. I haven't changed, I'm this, he's done with my shit, he isn't doing this anymore... he doesn't give a fuck about what I have to say. And then repeatedly telling me, I don't give a fuck, shut up, I don't give a fuck, shut up.
And then we spent the remainder of that evening and now following day in separate rooms not talking..

I'm so lost, I know his behaviour isn't ok. I feel like my marriage is over already, 6 months in.
He doesn't change, he doesn't even acknowledge there is anything wrong with the way he behaves.. as soon as you say anything against him, it turns into a 6 hour long argument. He is incapable of taking any criticism, he just manipulates the situation and twists it to make it seem like it's me and my mental health....

I don't know what to do?? I'm so so embarrassed. We've had arguments in the past, but they've always resolved and we move on and don't argue for months on end...
but since we've been married, it's horrendous. It's every single week and it's drags into days...
it's really toxic and it's breaking my heart. I feel like I don't know my husband. He isn't the man I knew before we said our vows. We've haven't been intimate since our wedding day. Yet we agreed to start trying for a baby after our wedding, that was always the plan, I've even stopped contraceptive. But, we haven't been close enough to even contemplate it.
My friends around me are all falling pregnant, some for the second time, and it hurts me a little each time.
I feel like I'm living a lie. Like, the relationship people knew us to have prior to the wedding isn't what it is now.... now, it's awful. I've always been told marriage can be hard work and you have to work at it, but then I think, surely it isn't meant to be anything like this!!!

I have doubts about throwing it all away.... we've been together 7 years. Is that worth more than the 6-8 months of this shit?
Is it going to get better? Or has this set the tone of what our life together will be like?

I feel crushed, honestly, broken. This is nothing like what I imagined married life to be. I feel so so lonely. I'm far too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this, I know they'll all judge, and I honestly can't handle that judgement.
Am I the problem?
What would you do? Have you been in a similar circumstance and it's got better?

Thank you in advance.

PS. And the damage on your kids doesn’t stop by leaving your husband, it just goes on and on until they are so damaged they stop contact themselves when they are old enough to have a say, but by then.. it is too late, there is a chance the abuse makes them better parents but they most likely go and replicate some of their parents’ behaviours with their partners and children.

Can you book some marriage guidance urgently? And be honest about where you both are?

It can’t harm and even if you separate it might help you both do that as calmly as possible. I can’t see you two fixing this in your own

@merryhouse

No, it will not get better. It will get worse.

Incidentally, you're beating yourself up over the hitting because "he would never do that" but in the next paragraph you casually mention that he's punched holes in the doors and walls. That's the first step, done to intimidate you without actually hurting you.

Don't get pregnant: not only is that likely to ramp up the abuse, but it will make it so much harder to get away. Get back on contraception immediately.

Then see if you can move out. You could tell people it's because you hit him, if you wanted.

File for divorce, citing the holes in the doors.

What was the disagreement with your family?

Very much this I was 😱 at his behaviour. Punching doors and walls is terrifying and not normal

Get out!

My DB divorced after 18 months literally no one outside the marriages cares. Well we were delighted as she was awful and I think her parents were sad about it as she was awful… but apart from that no one was interested

First of all, and i can’t stress this enough, do not get pregnant. If you do, he will up the abuse and will still do nothing and you will be in a 100 times more difficult situation financially and mental health wise. And you will still contemplate the divorce but you will be forever tied to him via child and it will give him so many new ways to manipulate and hurt you. Please don’t get pregnant.

My ex was not doing much around the house and it was the same story of me needing to tell him, ask him, remind him etc. So he can ‘help’ me. Which angered me so much as it was framed as ‘helping’ me whilst it is actually doing what an adult is meant to be doing, his fair share. I only regret i didn’t divorce him sooner and don’t miss him one bit. At all. It’s not as scary as it seems when you are contemplating it, my friends took it well when i divorced, my family too and my mom pointed out that on occassions she saw through him but said nothing.

Get out as this won’t get better, he is nasty and he won’t change. Start by making appointment with a lawyer and you will see it is not that scary once you get proactive and start changing things. It is empowering. You don’t have to live like this, no one should live like this.

Did the punching walls and the doing fuck all in the house start after the wedding? The latter sounds like it's always been how your relationship is. Whose choice was it to fall out with your family member over something that sounds pretty trivial?

You're not able to file for divorce until you have been married a year, so that gives you both six months, during which time I suggest you live apart.

He really could have been playing a different role for 7 years. Some people have an ingrained idea of what being married vs being in a relationship means.

For your husband this clearly means he must be adored and not expected to do any housework, you are also responsible for his financial fuck ups and expected to fix them.

If you can't quite accept that you're married to a man who is fundamentally unsuitable to you because he's an abusive arse then at least make sure that you absolutely do not get pregnant.

Can you imagine having sole responsibility of raising a child on top of everything else you're doing? If he persuaded you to be a SAHP it'd be even worse because then you're literally his slave with no access to independent funds.

Have a read of some of the threads on relationships. Do you really want to wake up in 10 years in the exact same position that some of those women are in?

Ignoring red flags is the easy track, you can persuade yourself this is just a blip/things will be better/they're a nice person deep down/you deserved it etc...

Standing up for yourself and saying "no more" takes tonnes of bravery. You've already reacted badly to being pushed, don't let his behaviour keep pushing your destruct buttons. You deserve better than this, please look at how you can exit the relationship now before he breaks you.

You all couldn't of been any more right. This weekend, I've finally kicked him to curb.... told him I'm done.

After I asked a simple question which he didn't like, I was then met with another barrage of abuse, told he hates me, I've lost so many friends because I'm a bitch, I'm tucked, I'm deluded, I never change ... after him storming up and down the stairs, taking out the suitcase that's made many appearances these last few months telling me he's leaving. I sat and remained calm, and told him quiet simply. I'm done.
He then went onto tell me how he's told all the lads at work how I beat him up, and how they all gasped and told him he's with an abusive women and he needs to run.... if only the knew the other side right!!

But right then, I thought, I cannot endure this anymore and I'm now being painted to be a abusive individual by the very man whose pushed and pushed and pushed. Degraded me on every level, and continues to run me into the ground.

I'm fucking done!!!

I've realised, reading all your comments how un normal it is that if I have a concern, am upset or angry about the actions of my husband, the man that asked to spend the rest of his life with me and is meant to care about me more than anyone else .... to be met with such confrontation every single time.

I'm not heard.
I'm not an equal.
I'm not respected.
I'm not made to feel special, comfort, loved, sexy, appreciated.

And I'm done.

Call his bluff and let him go, and once out, stay firm. You cannot continue like this.

I can assure you that it is going to be painful and you will miss him much, it’s a long time after all but until you are out of this shock (could take about 6 months) take all decisions with your head not your heart, until your heart is in a better place.

Good for you. You deserve so much better. He sounds like a total dick. I left my ExH after 6 months for a lot less and never regretted it. I'm now married to an amazing man and couldn't be happier.

Good luck and stay strong