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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Has anyone agreed no maintenance just so their kids can be safe?

32 replies

AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 17:01

ExH wants 50:50, despite DC age 8 pleading with me for them to be able to sleep overnight with me all the time. The court won't allow a choice at that age, as far as I know, and after a discussion with exH it turns out that he would only agree for our child to sleep with me every night if he doesn't have to agree maintenance.

I would rather my children are safe overnight than I have money in the bank, but I wondered if anyone else has chosen to have no maintenance to protect their children like this? I’ve never heard of it before.

My only other option is to take it to court but I fear I might not win as his solicitor is pretty ruthless. At least this way (me having no maintenance) exH would consent to them staying with me overnight 100% of the time, and I can relax knowing my DC are safe.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 17:04

Only do it of you can get it in writing that you are the resident parent (whatever they are calling it these days)

RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 17:06

I don’t claim maintenance, not to protect my kids though I just don’t want it. It is unusual though as most people do claim maintenance ime.

paname · 22/01/2022 17:13

I would not claim until your child is old enough to have a say and precedent has been set then I'd claim through CMS.

IncompleteSenten · 22/01/2022 17:15

If it truly was a case of my children being unsafe at their father's house then hell yes. If it took that for him to choose to drop out of their lives and they'd be safe then of course I'd drop any claim.

Has he injured them in the past?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 22/01/2022 17:15

In what way would they not be safe and can this be proven in any way that would support a court order for supervised visitation only?

FinallyMrsE · 22/01/2022 17:15

I didn’t claim maintenance as I knew it would impact negatively on the kids, I would absolutely do this in your situation but as a pp pointed out, I’d get it written up in a court agreement that he’s not having overnights so that he can’t go back on the ‘deal’ in future.

rainbowandglitter · 22/01/2022 17:18

What do you mean by safe? Is he abusive to them? If so surely it'll go to court and he won't get access anyway as an abusive father.

MichaelAndEagle · 22/01/2022 17:19

I think its probably the best idea in your situation, yes.
Its difficult to prove 'unsafe'. And if its goes the other way you're stuck with it.

Original poster
AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 17:42

Yes that's exactly it. It's difficult to prove.

Historically he has hit them and left a hand print for 24 hours. But it wasn't often, literally only once or twice in their entire lives. And each time I went to town on it, but feared for their safety if I left him because I knew he'd try and get 50:50 and then who would protect them if I am not there to do that?

He's got such a high powered job and is revered by so many people that I fear that alone would get him off the hook. I showed my solicitor a picture of the hand print but because it was a long time ago then he said it would look malicious to bring it up now .

He's emotionally abusive toward them, unfair; name-calling; refusing them to access me when they're scared, threatening to hit them even though he doesn't like he did in that photo, but he still does 'tap' them.

The fact that one of them is pleading with me to only live with me overnight is enough for me.

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 22/01/2022 17:44

Get it in a court order. That way it’s binding.

Original poster
AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 17:44

And yet, they still love him and want to see him, but only during the daytime. Not to stay overnight.

And if that is safe for then then I would support that. I want them to have access to the nice parts of their Dad, if he will show that to them. Which I suspect he might more, if he misses them.

OP posts:
millymolls · 22/01/2022 17:53

I dont understand tbh ( and that’s not meant to minimise what you’re saying)
He’s either safe with them or not?
Overnight doesn’t change that

If he’s not than you need to take it to court for supervised access only , if he is he’ll be allowed overnights ….

But back to your question I would forgo money if it meant my child was happy …. But what’s to stop him agreeing this then still asking for overnights ?

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 17:57

It's emotional abuse children services are shite at helping with that the last time I had to.talk to them about my ex they said he is clearly emotionally abusive but we can't intervene the threshold hasn't been met

Dad was literally threatening suicide if he didn't get to see the kids on his terms (ie with his emotionally unstable girlfriend who had tried to stab him had and had lost all her children due to severe neglect) they negotiated him seeing them just by himself it was for a few hours a week no overnights they didn't work the dynamic was toxic but children services dropped it in MY lap to manage

JSL52 · 22/01/2022 18:13

Why do some men think it's ok not to pay for their kids ?
I never had a penny.

Dithercats · 22/01/2022 19:08

Yes. Do what you need to do to protect your kids.

Original poster
AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 21:37

@millymolls

I dont understand tbh ( and that’s not meant to minimise what you’re saying) He’s either safe with them or not? Overnight doesn’t change that

If he’s not than you need to take it to court for supervised access only , if he is he’ll be allowed overnights ….

But back to your question I would forgo money if it meant my child was happy …. But what’s to stop him agreeing this then still asking for overnights ?

I suppose my fear is he could somehow convince them he wasn't okay in the past but he's turned over a new leaf, and then he'll get unbridled access, but they're begging me to let them live with him. But they're saying they want to see him for a morning or afternoon, but not for an overnight stay. And I'd loosely agree with that; it seems he can manage for a few hours before it goes pear-shaped, and they get the brunt of it.
OP posts:
Original poster
AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 21:38

Sorry, I mean they're begging me to NOT let them live with him.

OP posts:
MsMeNz · 22/01/2022 21:41

I haven't been there but I would do that to keep my kids safe if it came to it.

BertieBotts · 22/01/2022 21:48

I never claimed it because XP had nicely fucked off and stopped popping in and out of DS1's life, DS1 was so much more settled and I didn't want to encourage him to start any back and forth arguments.

Also I don't think he was working and he was living with two children in the household so I would only have got about £1.35 a week or something anyway. Whoop de do.

I do kind of regret it sometimes, DS1 is 13 and I made the mistake of adding it up once (at the rate he was originally paying me, not the shared fiver a week!)

Cattitudes · 22/01/2022 21:48

Why not suggest that he pays for specific things, Disney dad style, so he pays for swimming lessons, school trips, school uniform and in return you don't claim maintenance. You save some money, he gets to boast that he paid for x and the dc stay with you.

BertieBotts · 22/01/2022 21:49

WRT he's either safe or not and court can decide.... I have NO faith in the UK family courts to make that decision. I've heard way too many awful stories. I wouldn't go anywhere near court unless you absolutely have to.

Original poster
AllChange2022 · 22/01/2022 21:55

That's my big worry @BertieBotts, and I haven't even heard scare stories. It's just a nagging gut instinct that it could backfire enormously.

OP posts:
bowlingalleyblues · 22/01/2022 22:00

This might not be the right approach, but would he give up parental responsibility. Then he won’t have to pay maintenance, but you won’t have to get his permission for decisions relating to the children while also providing all the care and all the money.

Papyrus · 22/01/2022 22:17

I thought a 50/50 arrangement meant that often there was no maintenance paid, unless one parent was a very high earner. So in your position I would definitely do this, get it in a formal written agreement though.

millymolls · 22/01/2022 22:26

I don’t think on the U.K. you can give up parental rights ( unless through adoption)