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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Had the talk AGAIN but surprised myself with my reasonings.

33 replies

Laziebo · 17/01/2022 07:53

We had the talk again yesterday.
DH doesn't seem to be getting the message after I told him before Christmas that I wanted to separate shortly after Christmas.
I sank into the trap of explaining myself again. I said I felt like he hated me as he's oppositional about absolutely everything and so obstructive. He said that I hate him. I said I dislike him; he asked why.
Then all this stuff came out...
"Because you don't care about the planet and think living more economically is a big joke, because you don't keep yourself healthy to live as long as you can for our children, because you have no pride in yourself anymore and because you refuse to try yoga and won't join me in my watersports hobby."
Half of it sounded ridiculous when it all came out.
His interests are a far cry from mine and I do all of my hobbies and interests alone. He complains of back pain but refuses to try yoga, which got rid of mine. He has hobbies but no interest in trying mine so that we have a mutual hobby. I realise that these things are at the crux of everything and really important to me.
Do they sound like silly reasons?

OP posts:
Original poster
Laziebo · 17/01/2022 07:55

To add, I asked to take up playing pool with him a while ago (one of his hobbies) but he said no as "the competition wouldn't be good enough." 😳

OP posts:
Santaslittlemelter · 17/01/2022 07:56

They sound unfair.

Theredjellybean · 17/01/2022 07:57

Not silly but potentially very one sided.
You have an expectation that he joins your hobby, so you have a joint one but what if he has an expectation you join one of his?
What is he hates yoga and waters ports?
Is your expectation of a good relationship that couples have joint hobbies?

gamerchick · 17/01/2022 07:58

They are a bit ridiculous but really you just aren't compatible as a couple. There's nothing wrong with that.

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2022 07:58

You are no longer compatible state that and stick to it if he tries the BUT WHY and tries to get you to justify yourself just repeat your no longer compatible maybe throw in the fact that I've explained this to you a lot and you clearly haven't listened PROVES it

Bushkin · 17/01/2022 07:58

I’d divorce someone for trying to force me to do yoga. It’s also the easiest way to injure yourself as a begin without being closely supervised by an instructor.

How many of his hobbies do you offer to do with him?

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 17/01/2022 08:00

I don't think that not trying each other's interests as one of the factors of splitting up is ridiculous.
For me is says they don't respect you as a person or see you as a separate entity, only someone who facilitiates their life. Was one of the many reasons I have ended past relationships when I showed interest in theirs but they showed no interest in trying mine.

Timeforabiscuit · 17/01/2022 08:00

If he did all those things, would you love and respect him?

They do sound superficial, but probably symptomatic of the bigger problems that you don't respect him, you're resentful and you have little in common aside from the kids.

namechange30455 · 17/01/2022 08:00

You know that you don't need a "good reason", right? If you don't want to be with him, you don't have to be.

gamerchick · 17/01/2022 08:01

And you don't have to explain yourself to him or give him reasons to end it.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 17/01/2022 08:02

Sounds like you don't like him very much so best split and let the man find somebody who accepts him the way he is and yes the water sports and yoga sounds ridiculous.

Original poster
Laziebo · 17/01/2022 08:02

As above to those questioning why I won't do a hobby with him.
Also, it's that he won't give anything a try that bothers me, not that he won't do anything as much as me.
He has 4 hobbies in total, none of which he wants to do with me and has friends and family that he does them with regularly. I've suggested all sorts of mutual interests and experiences over the years, active things, but he will just suggest watching Netflix together which doesn't cut it for me.

OP posts:
Bushkin · 17/01/2022 08:05

Not having a shared hobby wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. But if it is for you that’s fine, you clearly don’t like him very much, you don’t need permission to divorce him

catbsfhs · 17/01/2022 08:06

@Laziebo

As above to those questioning why I won't do a hobby with him. Also, it's that he won't give anything a try that bothers me, not that he won't do anything as much as me. He has 4 hobbies in total, none of which he wants to do with me and has friends and family that he does them with regularly. I've suggested all sorts of mutual interests and experiences over the years, active things, but he will just suggest watching Netflix together which doesn't cut it for me.
Maybe he doesn't want to be hounded 24/7 and likes his hobbies because he gets some alone time to spend with his friends, talking about things they want to talk about. If he were to resentfully take up your hobbies, would that fix the marriage? Are you in love with him?
Huy456 · 17/01/2022 08:06

When you got together, what did you like about him?

bordermidgebite · 17/01/2022 08:14

Different moral values and no shared interest

That would be very isolating

PrincessPaws · 17/01/2022 08:15

They do sound a bit silly tbh, but your reasons are your reasons. It's not for anyone else to question what is worth ending your marriage over.

One thing that did jump out though is that it all seems to be about him joining you in hobbies etc, could you not him in some?

bordermidgebite · 17/01/2022 08:17

She asked to join him in one of his and he said no she wouldn't be good enough for him

Diggersaursarethebest · 17/01/2022 08:24

Sounds like he wants a wife to come home to and you want a husband to go out with. I get it OP. It’s not really about yoga, it’s about wanting to share exciting or fun or active experiences with your romantic partner.

MichaelAndEagle · 17/01/2022 08:29

@bordermidgebite

Different moral values and no shared interest

That would be very isolating

This is it. You don't have shared values and I think that is really important.
GoodnightGrandma · 17/01/2022 08:29

When I had the talk I didn’t tell him every reason why, I just said that I didn’t want to live this way any more, and that I didn’t want to play the blame game.
It doesn’t matter if the reasons are ridiculous or not, if you’ve had enough it’s time to end it.
If he’s not listening, see a solicitor and file.

girlmom21 · 17/01/2022 08:34

I think the not taking pride in himself and living healthily are completely rational and fair.

I think the water sports and yoga are quite specific but stem to bigger things about him not being willing to do things or try new things which is frustrating for you I can imagine.

The thing about living economically - is this a new thing you're trying to incorporate?
It's completely the right thing to do but I don't think you can expect him to change because you have.

However, if you're no longer compatible that's ok too. It doesn't really matter who changed - but that happens over time and sometimes it means things no longer work.

picklemewalnuts · 17/01/2022 08:34

'Because we don't want the same things'

Fittleswade · 17/01/2022 08:39

As someone who is recently separated and living this new reality I have to say that these reasons sound slightly ridiculous. However let him go and find someone else, you don't sound like you even like him.

CeilingWax · 17/01/2022 08:40

@bordermidgebite

Different moral values and no shared interest

That would be very isolating

Exactly. They aren’t silly reasons. They are the important everyday ways of living. Sadly he isn’t interested in creating shared bonds and he sounds callous and dismissive. It’s no wonder what bonds you had have withered and died. It’s sad Flowers

I agree, stick with the no longer compatible line. About big things and small things.

He’s a fool not to listen but you have to try to ignore his derailing. I think he’d like to wear you down and stop you leaving just by getting in the way. Stay strong