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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Splitting childcare with a FT senior teacher

28 replies

Whenthesmokeclears · 06/01/2022 15:30

I'm drawing up a childcare split with my ex who is a FT senior teacher. We're going for a rough 60/40 spilt. But I'm finding it really difficult to work out- he can't do any school drop offs or pick ups during the week. He works until late a lot of the time, meaning that even the children going to his house for dinner a couple of nights a week seems impossible.

He would need to use constant wrap ariund care and then I think, well what's the point in him having them only for them to be at before/after school club, when I'm free to have the children myself?

But if he only has them at weekends, why should he get all the down time and me do all the running around?

OP posts:
cherryonthecakes · 06/01/2022 15:33

Weekends should be alternated so that the kids get chill time with both parents and both sides of their extended families.

Can he rearrange his working day? For example if he had the kids say 5-7, can he work those 2 hours later ?

As a teacher doesn't he have some school holiday time off? I know that head teachers often go in during the holidays but I don't know if that's daily.

girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 15:33

What's his proposal if he wants them 40% of the time? Can he work less on his childcare days - ie leave work at 4 - and make up for it the rest of the week?

Ultimately it's his responsibility to make sure he can provide childcare during his contact.
I'm guessing he's hoping to pay minimal maintenance?

Don't give up every weekend.

Howshouldibehave · 06/01/2022 15:35

I would ask him to draw up what he thinks is fair. You do the same and start from there.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/01/2022 15:35

I've considered how this would look with my own family (not planning on separating, just general musing).

My thoughts would be in this situation (I wfh and dh is a teacher), is that he would have most weekends (3 in 4) during term time, and no evenings/midweek overnights, then in the school holidays we would switch and he would have them mon-fri every week with them coming to me all weekends.

bettertocryinamercedes · 06/01/2022 15:42

My ex doesn't do any weekdays with the kids - he has them 1 or 2 weekends a month. He thinks this is 50/50 😂

Even then he wanted me to drive them to his house when I'm doing the other 26 days in the month running around

I said no.

SE13Mummy · 06/01/2022 15:45

As he is a senior teacher, he probably has more influence over his day and timetable allocation than many of the staff he works with. Just as other teaching parents do, he will need to negotiate his workload so there's a day he can collect his children from school or a couple of mornings he can take them. He might be able to start later twice a week and take that as PPA time or finish earlier once a week as PPA. He may need to look at reducing his contract to 0.8 or 0.9 to accommodate his parenting responsibilities. The biggest difficultly is that January is a tricky time of year to rearrange timetables so it may be that he needs to have a discussion with the headteacher now to agree a change for September and in the mean time, employs a before/after school babysitter to bridge the gap.

BuanoKubiamVej · 06/01/2022 15:47

You are quite correct that it's not fair for him to have all the chill weekend time and you to have all the frantic weekday evenings.

He works late in the evenings because that's how he structures his workload but there's no particular reason why he couldn't do some of his marking, lesson planning and school admin work on a weekend day rather than on a weekday evening. His "can't" is actually "won't".

If he isn't prepared to restructure his other commitments to make time for his children then 60:40 isn't achievable. He can surely have half the weekends and half the school holidays but no greater share than that because you have as much right as he does to weekend and school holiday time.

There are only 190 school days each year, so there are 175 non-school days and so each of you get 88 non-school days. If he doesn't make himself available on any school days that means the split is more like 76:24 to you. I agree it's pointless them going to wraparound care when you are available - is he so small minded and petty that he would insist on it just to spite you?

Original poster
Whenthesmokeclears · 06/01/2022 16:13

He has no backbone at work and will always put on me instead or his elderly parents. I WFH which is great, but definitely gets taken advantage of.

He's already terrible at organising his workload due to undiagnosed ADHD, so although the answer is obvious, I also know he won't sort it out.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 16:15

@Whenthesmokeclears

He has no backbone at work and will always put on me instead or his elderly parents. I WFH which is great, but definitely gets taken advantage of.

He's already terrible at organising his workload due to undiagnosed ADHD, so although the answer is obvious, I also know he won't sort it out.

That's fine. Tell him you'll do all childcare except every other weekend until he sorts himself out - and he can pay maintenance accordingly.
Original poster
Whenthesmokeclears · 06/01/2022 16:15

He's already being dillusional about his weekend time with them. He believes he will take the children on a little holiday every weekend he has them with his parents. Hasn't even considered their dance lessons, football matches, horseriding, homework. He hasn't got a clue.

OP posts:
Clymene · 06/01/2022 16:16

Well if he's responsible for his children, then it's up to him to organise childcare. He'll have to be home for dinner if after school club shuts at 6 won't he?

You're divorcing him. It's no longer your problem.

Stop doing him thinking for him.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/01/2022 16:19

Every other weekend, so 1/7 of the time sounds more realistic. Can he have them more in the holidays?
Work out the days he can have them and then adjust the child maintenance to reflect this.
Try not to spend time thinking how he’ll do childcare or what he’ll do at the weekends with the DC. That’s for him to work out.

JasmineGarden · 06/01/2022 16:21

No he hadn't got a clue.

But will he take them to their activities or will he not bother?

What do YOU actually want?

What do you think the children would want?

Does he genuinely want them 50/50 or is he just trying to avoid having to pay anything?

Blossom64265 · 06/01/2022 16:28

Part of him having custody isn’t just to spend time with the children, it’s to be responsible for the children so that you are free to work and take care of yourself financially. You may need to accept the fact that the children will have to spend some time in child care. It’s his job to figure out how to manage his work day, not yours. You should not be taking all of the logistical burden and all of the career impact.

That said, if he is a teacher, it may work to both of your advantage to skew his custody times towards the school holidays a bit more than the typical split because you will both see a reduction in child care expenses. I wouldn’t give up all holiday time though.

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2022 10:39

I’m considering separation and I think I’d still pick up the kids every day (I WFH) and on ‘his’ nights he would collect them after work. At least that way I’d get to see them every day.

Original poster
Whenthesmokeclears · 07/01/2022 11:02

I find myself contemplating the same thing @mumof3confused but also want to gain some down time/opportunity to look into topping up my finances with a different branch of work. It's difficult to strike the balance.

OP posts:
Glitterygreen · 07/01/2022 11:06

Tbh it just doesn't sound like 60/40 is suitable? Is he the one pushing for that because it sounds like he can't/won't accomodate it at all?

I'd say the most he can do during term-time is EOW and a dinner during the week. He would need to commit to leaving work on time on that day. If he lives locally maybe he could collect them from you, take them for dinner at his, and then drop them back before bed since he can't do the morning school run either.

He can obviously make up loads of time during school holidays but it really doesn't sound like he can do a more even split during the term.

magicstars · 07/01/2022 11:09

I have this situation too.
We do a cycle of 2 weekends with dad, 1 weekend with me. It works pretty well, although does mean the DC don't see they'd dad for long stretches when it's 'my' weekend.

BurbageBrook · 07/01/2022 11:12

Could he have them for longer periods in the holidays?

Even as a senior teacher, though, surely he can leave a little earlier one day per week.

Glitterygreen · 07/01/2022 11:14

@Whenthesmokeclears

I find myself contemplating the same thing *@mumof3confused* but also want to gain some down time/opportunity to look into topping up my finances with a different branch of work. It's difficult to strike the balance.
Ah just seen this. I think if you're wanting to be able to change jobs and work longer hours then you may need to come round to the idea of after school clubs as it will be the only way.
gogohm · 07/01/2022 11:21

He could rearrange his work day, starting earlier! My friend is a deputy head and does the school run, he's normally at work for 6.30am

Mistressiggi · 07/01/2022 11:27

Very unlikely he can do actual school drop off/pick ups. But he can do drop off at childminder/breakfast club, and pick up from after school club/childminder just as thousands of other teachers, including myself, do. It is absolutely worth using wrap around care even if you are available, as it means the dc have days when they are his responsibility - he will still have time to have dinner with them, see them in the evenings etc. I would not put obstacles in the way of him taking them.
On the days they are with you, he can work like a single person.

Topbananaz · 07/01/2022 11:28

No @glitterygreen I love my job and won't be changing it, I've just wondered about topping up with a bit of freelance work here and there shen he has DCs so it shouldn't impact my ability to do the school runs etc.

Original poster
Whenthesmokeclears · 07/01/2022 11:29

Posted under wrong username @Glitterygreen but as above

OP posts:
Glitterygreen · 07/01/2022 11:33

@Topbananaz

No *@glitterygreen* I love my job and won't be changing it, I've just wondered about topping up with a bit of freelance work here and there shen he has DCs so it shouldn't impact my ability to do the school runs etc.
Ah ok cool, thought you meant leave for a new full-time job :)