The time has come and I'm scared we're making a mistake

[ToBeHappy]

I am really struggling. Having mutually decided early November that we would separate after Christmas now the time has come I am having massive doubts 😞.

I was so certain this was what I wanted and was even a little bit excited looking forwards. But the past couple of days I feel worse than ever and am terrified we are making a huge mistake.

Is anyone else feeling this or has done in the past?? Part of me is thinking it's probably a normal reaction to ending 21 years of your life with someone but I didn't expect to feel like this 😩.

Any experiences would be much appreciated x

What are the reasons for the separation and are kids involved. What will the living dynamics be. It isn’t too late to try and work at things and make them right

Normal reaction. That's how I felt when my marriage ended after 14yrs together. I even suggested we get back together - thank god he said no (he'd been seeing someone else, I found out later).
Looking back it was just the worry of being alone and possibly struggling financially that made me question if I was making the right decision. What made it worse is he refused to move out until the divorce was finalised.

It took a while until I realised I was happier alone. I had a couple of crappy relationships but 5yrs later I'm happier than I ever was with my ex husband. No more lies to listen to or irritating habits to put up with as my DP is a much better person all round.

I think that’s really normal. I’m thinking of leaving my partner but have not told him yet. I am having the same thoughts of relief at the thought of separating and then massive doubts and fears.

This is completely normal. I instigated separation with my now ex and between that moment and weeks after he left were hell. I felt physically and mentally ill to the point I was certain I was either going to die or go crazy. I never once regretted my decision though. All of this was just a part of grieving and is perfectly normal. Six months after he left I feel like a brand new person.

Do you both feel this way ? Is marriage therapy worth a try. ? 21years is a long marriage. Why now ?

Thank you for all your replies 🙏.

To be honest we've had this conversation at least 4 or 5 times within the last 4 years and we've always come to the conclusion that we have a laugh and have a little girl to think of.

I think the difference is that this time we are both sick of returning to the same point. There has been no intimacy for almost a year and I don't miss it.

He has become so bloody miserable, we hardly do anything together as a family as he prefers to stay home and have an afternoon sleep. I'm serious.

Sadly I just don't see a future. There will come a point in the future when our little girl grows up and moves out and I can just see me and him leading separate lives then anyway. Me wanting to get out and live and him sleeping!!

We had a really nice family evening at the weekend which made me doubt all these thoughts. It's so difficult but I think I need to trust my gut instinct.

Every day at the moment is hell and I think it would be easier in the short term to just carry on as normal and "put it behind us" as we always do. I know that this can't lead to long term happiness for either of us 😞

I got to this point with my XH. We actually told our oldest DC who was about 10 at the time, and he wrote us a heartbreaking letter asking us to reconsider. . We did, and limped along for another year or two but then it just became untenable.

If there’s nothing forcing this deadline except an agreement you made a few weeks ago then by all means put it off for a while until you’re sure. But if it’s come this far I’m sure you’ll end up back at the same decision soon enough. Talk to your STBx and see what he’s feeling.

@ToBeHappy I am in the process of separating after 27 years together (married for 24) and we had discussed splitting several times but it never happened.

Eventually last Aug I had taken enough of his coervice controlling behaviour and I sent the letter stating I wanted to separate. Since then he made my live hell (we were still living in the family home). He moved out in June last year and I was totally bereft even though I made the first move wondering if I had made a mistake.

Finally in Nov, after shunning several nights out with my lovely friends, I went to a concert on my own. I have never looked back - I don't miss his miserable face bringing me down and I have freedom to make my own decisions.

I am currently negotiating buying him out which is proving tedious but I deserve to be happy and so do you.

If you are really unsure you could try marriage guidance - but one good family night doesn't compensate for the rest of your life.

Take care x

So we sat down and talked this afternoon. Turns out he's not sure we're making the correct decision and has been irritated that I seem to be coping ok with everything! I told him that we have a child to take care of and I cannot mope around like he has been.

Honestly, my instant reaction was "oh shit he's going to tell me we'll try again". We talked for hours and he told me he's felt neglected for many years as I'm often at my parents house when he comes home from work, I never initiate sex etc etc.

I have been a bit blind to how he might feel but I just don't want to reach this point again down the line 😩.

For now we've agreed to give it a few more weeks (partly due to some work commitments he has) and I am more confused than ever.
It now seems it will be up to me to instigate the separation and I didn't see that coming.

I know many of you have been/are in a similar position. This is just absolutely exhausting 😞 x

Also, he's basically said that the "fancying each other" attraction may not be there anymore after 21 years but a family that loves each other is more important. WTF.

I do still think he's attractive a lot of the time. But he clearly doesn't feel the same way about me.....I am sitting here tonight wondering how on earth I can have a future with a man who isn't sexually attracted to me anymore 😞.

Or does anyone think he's right in what he said?

I do think he’s right to a degree, but if you both still want some kind of intimacy, then it’s important to get that from each other too.

I think it’s worth giving it a little longer; you may not be able to go back once it’s done.

Has he said that he’s not attracted to you or is he saying that as you haven’t been having sex and don’t seem fussed about it, he’s presuming that means you don’t fancy him?

He thinks I'm not attracted to him as I never show that I am. But also he said in not so many words that he doesn't have that "woah" feeling when he sees me.

I can understand that but something keeps troubling me. About 2 years ago if I went to kiss him goodbye in the morning or something, he began to turn his head so that I got his cheek.
I questioned it at the time and his explanation was that we're just not like that anymore.
So because we don't have sex he doesn't feel we need to have other affectionate behaviour. Which has then driven us further apart.

@ToBeHappy

Also, he's basically said that the "fancying each other" attraction may not be there anymore after 21 years but a family that loves each other is more important. WTF.

This is what my dh says too. I found the courage two years ago to say to him I don't have any romantic feelings for him and that we would never have sex again. This was at the point of 9 years without sex or any kind of intimacy, even hugs. But I added that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without this, and he basically said if I am prepared to break up the family for that reason, then I am a very selfish person. I took it on board, thought I must be completely in the wrong, and backed down. Here I am two year on, more miserable than ever. He does mope around a bit, but also goes around singing, laughing at his youtube videos, seemingly carrying on as if everything is fine, whereas I feel like I'm slowly dying.

You are clearly in this position OP. You know it will never change, and that it will drag you down. You are allowed to leave a relationship if you want to, it's not your duty to stay and forget your own happiness. I totally get where you are, I feel trapped by the guilt too, but we both know we have to move on. People do this all the time! It's not a crime! I really hope you stick to your guns and find some happiness for yourself x

What about a trial separation. My ex and I did this and it clarified for me that it was the right choice.

Have you had therapy? You could work this stuff out there and I think you might be clearer as to what you want.

We haven't tried any therapy, he's not too keen as doesn't feel it would help. But I think if I pushed it he would agree.
I'm thinking of seeing a counsellor on my own - do you think that would help??

So an update.....the past 2 weeks he has tried so hard to make changes. His mood is much better, he's making a massive effort to suggest and do more as a family. He comes up to me for a kiss (not on the cheek!!) and a cuddle. I thought things may be different this time.

Then last night we ended up talking about it all and he said he feels as though I'm still being negative and he feels no love whatsoever from me.
He's asked me a few times if I'm ok and happier. I've been honest and said I'm still anxious and it's early days.

He was pretty annoyed last night telling me he feels an idiot going around being happy and trying so hard if I still have doubts and are living in the past. I told him I am scarred by the past couple of months and lived through hell expecting to be separated after Christmas and that is a massive thing to adjust from.

He sees it as I should just forget about it now and focus ahead.

Please, is there anyone else that has been through this? I am at the point where I can't see who is right or wrong 😞 x

It sounds like you need some time away from him OP to work our how you really feel. Can one of you move back to a parents for a couple of weeks? The only advice I can give is that when I told my husband it was over there were no doubts and there was no going back, I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I'm two years post separation now and life is amazing, I couldn't imagine how my life would be if I was still stuck in a rut with my EXDH. If you do split up you will find your way and make an amazing life yourself, if you stay together it's likely to carry on how it is, which you may be perfectly happy with, that's something only you know 🤷🏼‍♀️ best of luck OP, I hope you figure our how you're feeling soon 💐

Ok so another update and some more advice would be appreciated please!

Since I last posted he has maintained his good moods, is back on antidepressants, still making more effort with DD and suggesting family time and activities. So all good in theory...but I still have a nagging feeling that I'm somehow on the wrong path here 😞.

This past weekend we had a night out with family and friends for the first time in around 6 months. I was so hopeful it would give us chance to reconnect.

I was so very wrong. He got annoyed from the outset that we were all drinking a lot (he didn't want to, fair enough). He then got more irritated by something a friend said and got in such a foul mood. He kept disappearing outside of the pub and when I questioned him he told me he felt unwell with chest pains and needed fresh air.

I offered to go to hospital with him, he said he was going home to bed. Told me to stay out and have fun. Which I did as I suspected he was putting it on a bit.

The next morning he text the group apologising saying he had chest pains due to anxiety and was sorry he'd been in a bad mood and would do better next time!!

He asked me if I was annoyed with him and I told him yes. I said I'd had enough and we were over. He said "if you're not happy with me then you need to make a decision as I'm not walking out on DD and don't want us to end". He said he had been really trying and couldn't believe I was willing to end our marriage over a "crappy night out" after he has been putting so much effort in.

I am just walking around in a daze. I have no idea what to do. Later that day he was acting like nothing had happened, being loving and attentive toward me. Keeps asking for a hug since then.

Part of me thinks I'm being an absolute cow for using this as an excuse to end it, if he is genuine about the fact his anxiety caused chest pain.
I can't shake the feeling that he's using it as an excuse for his very rude behaviour.

I am absolutely sick to death of going around in circles. I know my family and friends must also be sick of hearing me go on about it.

I am blinded by loyalty, financial worries, family commitments and also desperately worried that if I jump ship that the grass isn't always greener.

I agree with previous PP who suggested a trial separation. It will allow for you both to step back and think about what you want your future to look like.
I also suggest that you seek some individual counselling to help you process what you are currently going through and to navigate the separation process.

Could you have a weekend apart just to give yourselves some breathing space and then see how you feel?

@milkieway

Could you have a weekend apart just to give yourselves some breathing space and then see how you feel?

Hi OP similar situation for me and DW. After a horrible weekend, discussed in the relationships topic area, DW has been away for a few days. We spoke last night. She is very upset, wants to try again, will change, regrets all the things she called me and said about me. Listening to her remind me of the good bits about our marriage, talking calmly, no sniping, no jibes, no criticism really raised my guilt level. But I hadn't missed all the tension, negative emotion, the eggshell walking at all. I am very sorry she is hurting but I do not love her.

So a mini separation has clarified things for me but not for DW I guess.

I'm holding on to the beliefs that it is not my duty to make another adult happier through being unhappy myself. It is not actually making them happier unless they enjoy my unhappiness (which would be a very clear reason to leave anyway).

You might try counselling to see if you BOTH can be happy but if you have given your best shots and one of you isn't and cannot be then, if you are both decent people, neither of you truly are.

Noone can make this decision for you and it is difficult. I'm sorry I miss aspects of my exhusband but when I think of all the freedom of not having to consider his moods / worrying about our sex life / being bitter about arguments about work and childcare balance etc I am really happy we separsted. Life is hard. But still, better than feeling unloved. Coparenting is hard too but it iant for everyone. Counselling and trial separation are your only options. I do feel you have closed your heart to him though - which is fine, your perojative and maybe a sign its over. Sleeping all the time sounds awful to be fair and you are not selling him as good husband material. Also he should make you feel loved and sexy and show you he fancies you. If he cant, I dont think I would bother either. It will erode your confidence.

I would thoroughly recommend one to one therapy for yourself, @ToBeHappy. It’ll give you space to explore all options with no judgement.

I left after more than 20 years of marriage, but had had therapy for 2 years prior to it. If I was going to leave, I wanted to leave with no regrets, having tried everything. .

We also had marriage guidance, too.