The time has come and I'm scared we're making a mistake

[ToBeHappy]

I am really struggling. Having mutually decided early November that we would separate after Christmas now the time has come I am having massive doubts 😞.

I was so certain this was what I wanted and was even a little bit excited looking forwards. But the past couple of days I feel worse than ever and am terrified we are making a huge mistake.

Is anyone else feeling this or has done in the past?? Part of me is thinking it's probably a normal reaction to ending 21 years of your life with someone but I didn't expect to feel like this 😩.

Any experiences would be much appreciated x

Sorry you are going through this op. It sounds like a lot of unrelenting stress. Only you can make the ultimate decision to stay or go, but a couple of thoughts spring to mind ...

I think a lot of people have become "bloody miserable" during the pandemic. It's been quite hard for everyone in terms of the stress and uncertainty, many couples have seen more of another but they've seen one another at their worst. Don't underestimate the impact of that.

And fwiw, I do think you are being a little harsh on your DH about his chest pain and the evening out. He obviously felt on trial. There was obviously a lot of expectations placed on the evening from your side and so it was quite high stakes for you both. Why would you think that a night out with family and friends would help you both reconnect? Have you planned any dinners out just the two of you?

Sorry if I have missed the back story, but how long has he been depressed for and was it a particular event that triggered it? What are the reasons behind it? To me he sounds classically depressed (the sleeping in the afternoon, the anxiety etc) and it's very hard to make the effort he has when suffering with depression, so he deserves a lot of credit for that. It's awful for you having to live with this depression, but try to bear in mind no one wants to be depressed, they don't choose it. (And yes it is their responsibility to try and recover from it too.) It is an illness like any other. Has the depression made you lose respect for him?

Has he had his heart checked out properly? No chest pain should be ignored.

Why don't you tell him that you still find him physically attractive? That would give him a boost I imagine.
If he's on ADs, he may be very anxious about sex, as the medicine can cause side effects in that area.

You say contrary things about your sex life. That you don't miss it. But you also want him to find you attractive.

You mention your family quite a bit. I could be wrong but I get the impression that they play a large part in your life and there's nothing wrong in that. But have you prioritised them over him? Does he feel pushed out?

I think you would both benefit from marital counselling because the communication between you isn't good. No one's fault; it could just do with improvement.

Lastly. You deserve lots of credit for your strength and for keeping things "normal" for your little girl.

@Joyceisthekiller

Quite honestly in my opinion your husband is in the right. I’m a little older and your marriage (but with more appreciation) is how most long term marriages go and in the past where expected to go. I honestly believe that unless the divorce rate is going to be up to like 90% people (and especially women) need to have far more realistic expectations of what a good long term marriage should actually be like, emotionally speaking - because it’s not a 10th grade romance.

In my experience it’s quite common for especially the wife to lose romantic feelings toward her husband and then become increasingly bitter and dissatisfied to the point of blaming him for this. Its very foolish to have such unrealistic expectations out of long term marriage especially when children are involved.

To me people need to decide what’s more important - giving their children a stable loving home and having somewhere safe and comfortable to grow old with someone they know and can get on reasonably well with - or chasing romance which will be just as good as or more fleeting than that which was initially in their marriage. We really shouldn’t pretend this is for the kids or for anyone but ourselves though, because it’s just not.

OP, whatever your choice is your husband is right in one thing - this is and always has been your choice and not his. Why should he pretend he wants to break up and do shared parenting just to assuage your guilty feelings over this? It’s not fair to him, he didn’t ask to be a part time dad or to end his marriage - you are making that choice for him and at the very least you can take responsibility for this instead of lying to yourself that it’s “mutual” and trying to get him to repeat the lie.

Totally agree with this, and well said @Joyceisthekiller

OP I'm afraid I'm team husband too. I actually feel a bit sorry for him. You need to own your feelings and stop projecting them on to him or trying to share them.
He sounds unhappy too but by your own admission, is trying. What are you doing to meet him in the middle?

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.

I am due to go away for a week without him next month and I think that may give me some thinking space. He's also working away a lot at the moment all week, but quite honestly I don't miss him.

Breaking my DD's heart was a massive factor in me agreeing to try again. However since then when he's working away she told me she prefers it just us as he's miserable.

Back in November when we initially made the decision we had been arguing and nagging at each other for a while. One evening in a particularly stressful situation he decided to just get his coat and leave the house to go for a drive. As he left he said "we need to talk tomorrow and YOU won't like the outcome".

So I do think he wanted to split back then....but he's had a rethink and wants to try happy families again.

I'll be honest I thought I was dead from the waist down but I have discovered that I am certainly not. I feel this desperate need to feel that attraction to someone again, I know I can never feel that way about my H again.
I know this sounds immature and ridiculous but I am going insane with these thoughts. I feel like I'm on the edge of it's time to make the break as if not now it will be too late 😞. I don't want to be feeling this way in my 50's.