Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Are you supposed to cut adrift your children once they're 18?

30 replies

februarty · 09/12/2021 15:08

We are currently trying to work out financials through our respective lawyers. One DC in university, others teen. STBXH earns 5x my salary. Since moving out he's not given the older one (living in halls) any money and has proposed child maintenance (of the minimum amount that you'd get through CMS) until DC are 18.

I get that there needs to be a cut off, parents can't support DC for the rest of their lives. But why do men get to do this? I can't and won't leave my DC to fend for themselves at 18. Which means I'll have to do it alone until they're earning themselves. This has been a long marriage and the DC aren't someone STBXH just fathered and forgot about. We've lived as a family all their lives and he's only been out of the house a few months and he seems to have forgotten about them already and wants to do the bare minimum.

OP posts:

VanCleefArpels · 09/12/2021 15:18

It sucks but there are many families that do make their children fend for themselves at 18+ (regardless of how much money they have) out of principle or just cannot afford to support them at Uni etc. Students can and do scratch along with loans and bursaries and wages from holiday work

Soggymarshmellows · 09/12/2021 15:22

Sorry to hear that. I'm going through same. I don't have any words of wisdom except yesterday I got some womens aid advice. I didn't think I was abused, but a colleague got me thinking. This is control. Thinking of his money before the kids and he may well have always been like that in some ways. It got me thinking about lots of other things through our long marriage. I never felt I was denied money but the control was very subtle. I don't know the legality on this though. Just commenting for moral support. Mine aren't uni age yet but one is a high achiever. I am also a low earner and was told that my DP probably liked it that way so not to accept responsibility for that as he is now saying I should.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 15:23

I think it's morally wrong and even if it's not legally required, it would be entirely reasonable for your ex to give your older child some regular financial support, as he can clearly afford it.

But he's not prepared to do it and his decision will probably damage their relationship long term. I expect he'll regret it in the future when his DC can't be bothered with him. Sorry you're going through this.

Soggymarshmellows · 09/12/2021 15:25

And for what it's worth my parents didn't support me post 18.. and this was many many years ago. It really hurt at the time. They weren't well off but they didn't even so much as buy a bag of groceries. They are still exceptionally tight now (but quite elderly). It has clouded my feelings towards them over the years because now I have teens I can't believe anyone would think a child going to university meant an end to responsibility.

Blossom64265 · 09/12/2021 15:28

My father has many faults, but thankfully he actually valued properly raising his children so he put into the separation agreement that while we were at university he would make a monthly payment directly to us and then he always paid on time.

Your children will know what kind of man your ex has decided to be.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2021 15:30

When I divorced we agreed maintenance would continue until they left education, whether that was degree or MA. We agreed it wouldn't cover a PhD

What was your XH's life like in his own family? Did they financially support him? If so I'd be reminding him of that right now.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 15:33

@Blossom64265

Your children will know what kind of man your ex has decided to be.

Exactly @Blossom64265. The OP's ex can't blame the OP for his decision not to support his children through university, it's entirely on him. And they'll remember it.

Warblerinwinter · 09/12/2021 15:41

The students Maintenon loan amounts are means test3d on parenteral income aren’t they? So if father and op earn above certain amount the student won’t have enough Maintenon loan to even cover halls of residence/accommodation.
BUT, this is something the student needs to work through with both of you. It is not child maintenance as such. You can stay out of it in terms of you paying your share and explaining to your “child” they need to talk to their father and show the. How the calculations work and say what he should still be contributing to allow them to live properly. If he refuses that is a matter for your child and your STBex . Whilst you can do your best to make up the money for that realistically you have other children to support as well on your lower income, so there’s little you can do. Your ex should be stating on his D81 divorce financial disclosure or other documents that he still has this liability to pay towards childrens maintence whilst at university- it applies to the others as well when the are old enough. Or he refuses. In which case that’s with them and their Dad to solve. I imagine it would effect their relationship if they refused. You getting involved will probably make him Dig his heals in more. It’s best it is a matter between the student and dad and you stay out of it

RedWingBoots · 09/12/2021 16:05

Once the kids are 18 and in university/tertiary education he needs to support them directly.

In other words he needs to give any money to help them support themselves directly to them and not you.

Someone a while ago found a law - I think schedule 1 of Children's Act 1989 - where in theory the child themselves can sue their parents if they refuse to support them while doing the equivalent of an undergraduate degree. (The only case I can find is this never ending student who lost -www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/jobless-oxford-law-student-suing-23632516 )

Regardless it is none of your business what type of relationship, whether financial, emotional or otherwise, your child(ren) have with their father once the child(ren) are 18 as they are all adults so need to sort it out between themselves.

You can rightful turn around and tell your young adult child that you can't afford £x so they need to ask their father for the money or get a job.

Oh and if the children have any sense they will put you as the parent they live with to maximize any loans from student finance.

gogohm · 09/12/2021 16:08

It's morally wrong. I'm guessing your ex doesn't want a relationship with his kids??? My ex still gives me maintenance and will until they both are financially independent

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 09/12/2021 16:11

I think this should go in your divorce settlement. He doesn’t need to give you money anymore but he absolutely should be doing things like funding uni accommodation, supporting buying books, sharing in the responsibility to provide accommodation and meals outside of term time etc. I think most expect to support children up to 25 in some form.

Cameleongirl · 09/12/2021 17:00

It's awful how some people conveniently forget during a divorce that their own parents gave them plenty of support at a similar age.

This happened to my friend's children, their Dad did everything he could to avoid paying maintenance, including when they were under 18, even though his own parents supported him through a Ph.D. and his mother gave him financial gifts throughout adulthood- still does, my friend suspects.

A580Hojas · 09/12/2021 17:07

Your ex sounds like an utter utter fuckwit. Aren't you pleased you're divorcing him?!

VanCleefArpels · 09/12/2021 17:34

@Warblerinwinter student finance is based on household income of the parent the student mostly lives with. It does lead to anomalies - if a parent has a live in partner then their income is taken into account even if they are not the student’s parent

KeyboardWorriers · 09/12/2021 17:38

Is he planning to give money to the children directly?

Ultimately as they become adults I guess it is between him and then. But I can't imagine not wanting to support my children through university. I would however want to pay the money to them directly and not via my ex

Palosverdesblue · 09/12/2021 17:40

In my experience (four families I can think of that I know well) it is the mother who carries on supporting children through university and young adulthood. Not just financial help, having them live at home during the holidays and even post uni while they get on their feet.

My XH doesn't give DC a penny, everything including pocket money comes from me. Even when staying with him the other week, I reimbursed the cost of a broken calculator for school.

He is far from hard up, just extremely tight/doesn't consider it. We have similar income levels, me for me and DC, him for him and his hobbies.

KeyboardWorriers · 09/12/2021 17:53

@Palosverdesblue I am fully expecting this is what ExH will do based on his current conduct. However as my children become older they will form their own opinions about him based on this

Unreasonabubble · 09/12/2021 17:55

When my ExH and I separated, I filled in the university finance forms and just put my income at the time on it. I had to include a legal separation document with it. They took my figures and my DD ended up with additional monies because of it.

If your STBXH is not paying towards your child's university education, maybe this is something you can consider?

Palosverdesblue · 09/12/2021 17:57

Yes, same here Keyboard.

Soggymarshmellows · 09/12/2021 19:20

Seems so many people turn mean in a divorce. I'd have never imagined it from my ex. But I was conditioned! Totally sees the money as his... not once mentioned DC but wants 50/50 access. To be honest it's made me realise even more I'm doing the right thing divorcing. It's just another way to control you too. We aren't doing the same because we'd give the shirts off our backs for our DC. I'm leaving the family home. I will get the equity etc but I'd rather sleep on the sofa of a 2 bed instead of my nice 3 bed now then be financially tied to a tight-arsed control freak. Who are the DC gonna think better of in the long run. They aren't stupid.

KeepApart · 09/12/2021 19:26

Presumably your DC at 18 will know approximately what your DH earns, and know he choses not to support them. This will reflect in their relationship with him

There's nothing to stop them asking him for money if they need it for books etc. And presumably they will use your income for student finance not his and so will get a reasonable loan

I think 18 is fair enough cut off to stop paying maintenance to the mum but should continue to support their DC with uni halls, meals out, books etc.

Asi1 · 09/12/2021 19:40

@Soggymarshmellows

Same here, it changed my feelings towards my parents. I have been financially independent since sixteen even with my parents getting my cb, l still contributed to the household. No help, with university, saved every penny to pay first year accommodation.

I couldn't imagine doing this to my own child, responsibility doesn't just stop

Palosverdesblue · 09/12/2021 20:22

Me too, no financial support. I had a Saturday job from being a young teenager and stood on my own two feet all the way, but my parents didn't have anything to give back then.

Their fortunes changed later in life and they have paid me a modest monthly allowance for the last few years. They insist, because they can do it now. Obviously I am very grateful to them. Having said that, I really don't think that they would do it if I didn't work hard/have a work ethic and I completely get that.

Soggymarshmellows · 09/12/2021 22:30

My parents peddle the 'work ethic,' thing too. And the 'we had to stand on our own two feet'.
Genuinely don't get it. Because I had to stand on my own two feet I know just how cr*p it is actually and have no desire to do similar to my children. I've only stayed so long to try and prevent the worst of this.
I guess empathy isn't something you can give those without it in a divorce. I'd love to know a way!

comfortablyfrumpy · 09/12/2021 22:44

Unfortunately, yes they do get to do this.

I've also got one at Uni and as soon as ex could stop paying any maintenance for her, he did.

She lives with me in the hols (which are not short) so I house and feed her, and I support her as best I can. She has her maintenance loan and she works part time, but she still needs a roof over her head when she's home.

It sucks but yes they can and do get to just cut off support.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread