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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Mediator

28 replies

Sweetie1980 · 06/12/2021 14:26

Please can someone offer some advice. My ex is being difficult about child's arrangements so the mediator has advised we tackle finances first as apparently this helps? I don't get it as I thought children arrangements would be needed first ?he is playing loads of games lie reducing his work for 50/50 and lowering his income. Has anyone been through anything similar?

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Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 12:59

Hi, I was also wondering if someone could help re financial form for mediation, no idea about clothes etc. It's such a headache

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 13:02

No idea sorry but I'd ask MNHQ to move this over to the Relationships board. You should get some advice in there from MNers with experience.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 09/12/2021 13:03

Which subject do you think your most likely to agree on? Kids or finance?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 13:08

I don't know as he is playing very unfairly. He had cut his work down (self-employed) and now says he wants kids 50:50, he has never been a hands-on dad and always worked long hours. I feel once he gets what he wants he will revert back to his long hours and the kids will suffer, he has a bad temper and stress is a trigger.

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 13:11

he has a bad temper. Is he violent or aggressive with you, either physically or verbally?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 13:20

He is mostly verbally but has been very I intimidating in the past. He smashed something in anger in front of the kids which made me file for divorce on top of everything else

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 13:23

Has he stopped this now or is he still intimidating you? Have you thought of going for a non-molestation order?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 13:32

He has got better as I have threatened applying for one before, I tend to avoid him and stay upstairs in the evening. I have been the children primary carer for ten years, I work part time during school hours. I am so worried about 50/50 and not being there to stop the dc getting shoutec at etc. My son is lovely but has picked up some of his behavior

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ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 09/12/2021 14:23

Forget mediation. Go straight to court. The judge will be fair.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 14:26

But he may get 50/50 as he is working less now ( well at least at the moment )

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 14:32

Is he still living with you?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 14:39

Yes unfortunately, he won’t move out

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 14:47

Yes unfortunately, he won’t move out

Are you going through the Divorce currently or is it settled? Do you have a Solicitor? What are the arrangements for the house long term? Is it owned or rented? If it's owned, is there any equity?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 15:05

Yes we are attempting mediation for children and finances , house is owned with equity

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Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 15:06

I can apply for absolute now but will wait

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 09/12/2021 15:14

Do not apply for the absolute until the finances are sorted, I can't agree that enough.

Have you applied for a financial order through the Court? Have you got a good Solicitor for this?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 09/12/2021 15:47

I do have a solicitor but we are going through mediation

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Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 10/12/2021 07:37

Also the mediator suggested he does one day a week where he gets up with kids, does the school run etc and picks them up , I get up 7 days a week and he has never offered before ,I definitely think I need my solicitor , trying to sell stuff etc to pay for her Shock

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 10/12/2021 19:41

Can you say that mediation isn't working and go straight to Court?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 10/12/2021 21:24

The problem is its expensive and a long process. I am also scared he will get 50/50 contact as he can persuade anyone

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Soggymarshmellows · 11/12/2021 21:17

Our mediator suggested my ex (we are still living in same house) trial his days as he wants 50/50. Its been hilarious to watch! At first it was all Disney dad (pancakes on a school day). But by the 2nd round it was mayhem. DC did find it a bit wierd/hard/sad as I was there but they had to go to him. I didn't ignore completely though. But it was strange. Anyway in the end I had to have a couple of nights away. Clearly this is standard mediator tactics to test their seriousness. As it happens I am now quite keen on a 55/45. You may feel the same. My DH is kind but hopeless and a workaholic.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 11/12/2021 21:42

Yes its really strange, it feels so unnatural to not care for them when I am here .My son came to me for a cuddle when he woke up and said it all felt very strange.. Ex has reduced his work load and all sorts. I don't think the kids would want 50/50, they get shouted at enough..

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TheOrigRights · 11/12/2021 22:04

We did finances and finalised the divorce and then did the CAO.
He wouldn't leave the home until I bought him out so I wanted the divorce done ASAP. I was advised NOT to finalise divorce until finances sorted.
CAO was horrid. I got the mediation waver for the divorce due to him being a twat, but still had to go through the same hoops for CAO. This just dragged it out longer. Court, cafcass etc.
I knew I didn't have the emotional strength to go through all that before the divorce was finalised.

TherapyClient · 11/12/2021 22:51

In a similar position OP. I feel the need to fight for my children well-being as their Dad is NOT a suitable parent (plays age inappropriate games with them that scares them; threatens them which leaves them fearful of him; gaslights them.... my children have to have pastoral care at school now as a result, as it's destroying them. I cannot bear the idea they would be with him 50:50 and will fight tooth and nail to stop it.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 12/12/2021 09:43

That sounds hard therapy. Last night he shouted at my dd and called her a problem, she has somehow got use to this like I did. Will the judge listen to my concerns ?

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