A question for those that stayed in the family home

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 2021-12-05T18:27:18+00:00

Did you regret it? My husband and I have separated (6 months ago) , the kids and I are living in the the family home (I am paying all bills, he gives me money for child maintenance) and he is renting a room from a friend. At the moment he comes and goes as he pleases. Always uses his key and just lets himself in, tells the kids he will be over and never asks me. I found out he was here the other day when I was at work and when I was away for the weekend, putting the heating on, eating my food, using the water etc. I feel I have no say in anything, can't impose any rules for the kids as he is always here. As he is just staying with a friend he had no space to have the kids there so only ever sees them here. I am paying for the house now although it is legally half his so I feel I can't try to stop him. I had originally hoped to buy him out with the help of family but now I'm wondering if that would be a bad decision. Will he always view it as his house, feeling entitled to just come over whenever he wants, moan about what I have done to it or what I have neglected to do. I find it very hard to stand up to him and say no so I'm thinking maybe I should be selling and buy somewhere else with the help of family and have a fresh start, live somewhere that had never been his home. Sorry for the rambling! I'd be really grateful for advice and to hear other's experiences.

JanglyBeads · 05/12/2021 18:32

Fresh start is often better. You can change the locks if he has left and you are paying all bills (mortgage/rent?)

barbrahunter · 05/12/2021 18:35

If your family are willing to help with finances if I were you I would definitely sell up and get a fresh start.

MrsPleasant · 05/12/2021 18:38

Definitely yes to fresh start. I stayed in the house initially, but xh thought he could come and go as he pleased. Additionally, everything in that house had a memory. I moved out and he kept all the furniture. My stuff may be crap, but it's all mine.

waterSpider · 05/12/2021 18:40

No, legally you cannot just change the locks in most circumstances! See: www.mediateuk.co.uk/can-i-change-the-locks-when-my-ex-moves-out/

TheVanguardSix · 05/12/2021 18:42

Do change the locks and don't feel badly about that.
How old are the kids?

JanglyBeads · 05/12/2021 18:43

Well OK, I knew there is different views about this, but the fact remains that it’s what my ex did when I left, despite us both being on the deeds.

And both our solicitors said it was reasonable!

PrawnCracker1 · 05/12/2021 18:43

I stayed in the family home, but bought him out, so legally the house is mine. I didn't want to uproot the kids from their school and wouldn't have been able to stay in the area had we sold. Thankfully though, he's never felt he can come and go as he likes, I imagine I'd have felt differently had that been the case.

TheVanguardSix · 05/12/2021 18:47

A fresh start will be so good for you, OP.
Maybe it's too soon. There's no need to rush. But the fact that you're asking is probably a good indicator that you know a fresh start would be a good thing.
My husband moved out 4 months ago and we're in the middle of divorcing. Initially, I wanted to claw onto the house. It was everything. But time passes and I see how much, how desperately in fact, I need a fresh start. I'm finding it very constricting, living within these very close walls that carry so much pain... good memories too, but mostly pain. It feels very much like his house.

Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:05

@TheVanguardSix

A fresh start will be so good for you, OP. Maybe it's too soon. There's no need to rush. But the fact that you're asking is probably a good indicator that you know a fresh start would be a good thing. My husband moved out 4 months ago and we're in the middle of divorcing. Initially, I wanted to claw onto the house. It was everything. But time passes and I see how much, how desperately in fact, I need a fresh start. I'm finding it very constricting, living within these very close walls that carry so much pain... good memories too, but mostly pain. It feels very much like his house.

I'm feeling pressured to decide now as he has recently got solicitors involved and wants me to agree to a 50:50 split now, sign a separation agreement and sell ASAP so he can buy somewhere. I think my ideal would be to stay for another 6 months and then sell. I would truly love a fresh start, I have so many unhappy memories in the house (there are good too but they seem overshadowed at the moment). I look around the house and see things I want to change or move around and then feel guilty for even thinking about it as I am too worried about his feelings (he suffers with depression and I regularly have all his family ringing me to tell me how worried they are about him and how he isn't coping).

My main reason for wanting to stay initially was I thought that it would be an easier transition for the kids but now I think they are particularly unsettled at the moment as they don't really know why daddy doesn't sleep here but is round so often and with no routine.

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:06

This is why I was originally planning to try to stay in the family home but as time goes on I wonder if it is right for me to.

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:08

@TheVanguardSix

Do change the locks and don't feel badly about that. How old are the kids?

They are 10, 7 and 4. I don't feel that I could change the locks, I find it hard enough to tell him it is inconvenient for him to come round whenever he wants. I really struggle with asserting myself around him, one of the many reasons I finally told him I wanted to separate.

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Palosverdesblue · 05/12/2021 19:14

I stayed but I was firm about boundaries from the word go.

I let XH have a garage key for a month and put anything he couldn't take with him on his initial move in the garage.

I changed the locks the day he left and started the divorce/legal process to buy the house in my own name.

I really like where I live and found the whole divorce process fairly awful so staying put was the best thing for me.

You need to stop him coming and going as he pleases. Why can't he take the kids out for the day or for something to eat and see them that way for now.

Standing up to him is the first part in winning this battle.

Palosverdesblue · 05/12/2021 19:18

Just seen the ages of your children and accept that it is harder to turf them out in the winter/after school.

You still need to take control, change the locks, tell him that he cannot come and go as he pleases. If he needs to see DC in your home you need to tell him that he can come at x time and stay until y time on a day that suits you.

Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:29

@Palosverdesblue

Just seen the ages of your children and accept that it is harder to turf them out in the winter/after school.

You still need to take control, change the locks, tell him that he cannot come and go as he pleases. If he needs to see DC in your home you need to tell him that he can come at x time and stay until y time on a day that suits you.

He won't take them out anywhere. In 6 months he has only taken them out twice for a couple of hours. I agree a schedule is what I need to insist on now, so that he comes over to see them only on certain days and at certain times.

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:37

@Palosverdesblue

I stayed but I was firm about boundaries from the word go.

I let XH have a garage key for a month and put anything he couldn't take with him on his initial move in the garage.

I changed the locks the day he left and started the divorce/legal process to buy the house in my own name.

I really like where I live and found the whole divorce process fairly awful so staying put was the best thing for me.

You need to stop him coming and going as he pleases. Why can't he take the kids out for the day or for something to eat and see them that way for now.

Standing up to him is the first part in winning this battle.

Thank you, I agree that standing up to him is the first battle. I just find it so hard, even when I am so pissed off and angry. It's ridiculous that as a grown woman I struggle with it!

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 19:54

@MrsPleasant

Definitely yes to fresh start. I stayed in the house initially, but xh thought he could come and go as he pleased. Additionally, everything in that house had a memory. I moved out and he kept all the furniture. My stuff may be crap, but it's all mine.

Thank you, that's what I'm thinking that at least if I go whatever I have will be mine and mine only, regardless of how cheap or Crap it might be

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TheVanguardSix · 05/12/2021 19:58

I really struggle with asserting myself around him, one of the many reasons I finally told him I wanted to separate.

Oh I completely understand OP! There's what we should and can do and then there's actually finding the guts to do it. It's very hard, especially if your former husband is the one 'driving' the divorce. Don't be afraid of 'his terms'. His terms are not the law... and neither are the solicitors! The solicitors represent the law, but they can't enforce it. They can't force you to sell and neither can your former husband. You have time to think about what you want. Sometimes staying in the home is a good thing... it is a soft landing when all aspects of divorce are only sharp edges. So in many ways, staying in the home is completely reasonable. For me, my former husband sexually abused our daughter in this home... so moving is necessary.

Back to those pesky solicitors, they are paid to boss you around on his behalf. I think being a family lawyer is a rather sad job. You're paid to bully other people... politely bully them. It's all so passive-aggressive. They'll 'insist' on your former husband's terms, on his behalf. That doesn't mean his terms become Gospel. Push hard for 60:40 or 70:30 even. 50:50 is the starting point. That doesn't mean it'll end up there. I fucking HATE divorce. It's exhausting and draining.
Solidarity fistbumps, hugs, the works, sister!
Palosverdesblue... I'm actually from Palos Verdes, California.

Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 05/12/2021 20:59

@TheVanguardSix

I really struggle with asserting myself around him, one of the many reasons I finally told him I wanted to separate.

Oh I completely understand OP! There's what we should and can do and then there's actually finding the guts to do it. It's very hard, especially if your former husband is the one 'driving' the divorce. Don't be afraid of 'his terms'. His terms are not the law... and neither are the solicitors! The solicitors represent the law, but they can't enforce it. They can't force you to sell and neither can your former husband. You have time to think about what you want. Sometimes staying in the home is a good thing... it is a soft landing when all aspects of divorce are only sharp edges. So in many ways, staying in the home is completely reasonable. For me, my former husband sexually abused our daughter in this home... so moving is necessary.

Back to those pesky solicitors, they are paid to boss you around on his behalf. I think being a family lawyer is a rather sad job. You're paid to bully other people... politely bully them. It's all so passive-aggressive. They'll 'insist' on your former husband's terms, on his behalf. That doesn't mean his terms become Gospel. Push hard for 60:40 or 70:30 even. 50:50 is the starting point. That doesn't mean it'll end up there. I fucking HATE divorce. It's exhausting and draining.
Solidarity fistbumps, hugs, the works, sister!
Palosverdesblue... I'm actually from Palos Verdes, California.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to your daughter, I can completely understand that it is necessary for you and your daughter to move. Sending you both hugs and positivity.

I feel as though I have lost my voice around my husband in this process . I can tell anyone else how I am feeling, what I want, what I will not put up with but when I am around him I struggle to put it into words and before I know it everything is turned back around to his wants and needs in this process.

**Sometimes staying in the home is a good thing... it is a soft landing when all aspects of divorce are only sharp edges.

This really makes sense to me, thank you. I do feel as though a bit of time in the house will make things easier for the children but think long term it probably won't be the best option. I think it is just the unknown that makes this all so daunting and I find myself second guessing every decision I make.

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GoodnightGrandma · 07/12/2021 06:48

Please don’t agree to anything before speaking to a solicitor.
A 50:50 split seems poor from your side at your kids ages.
As he still owns half the house I’d be expecting him to pay half the house insurance.
Where is he paying council tax ? If it’s with you he should pay half, if it’s at the rented place you can get single person occupancy reduction.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/12/2021 06:50

Might be worth getting one of those Ring doorbells so you can see when he’s there.
And if he’s using your food and utilities he needs to pay towards them.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/12/2021 06:52

Why you don’t want is him buying the family home if you decide to sell, because then his house is the kids ‘home’.
You might be better to keep it and change the locks, then settle for a while and see how you feel.
It would also put you in charge of who you sell to.

Mummykins54 · 07/12/2021 17:05

I am in a similar position but my kids are 18 and 21 - not kids.

I am in the process of trying to buy husband out - he is dragging his heels. I thought I wanted to keep the house but I am starting to feel a bit trapped as there are fab memories but also bad ones too.

I am attending a counsellor via my employer and she has given me a good piece of advice namely do not make any rash decisions within the first year of separation. Selling and moving on would be too much for me right now but maybe in a few months I would be ready.

He does have to stop coming and going - I would ask for his key as he is not paying any of the bills and make set arrangements for him spending time with the kids in the family home.

Maybe as your solicitor what the legal stance would be on this?

I hope things work out for you - separation is so hard - I am just starting to feel half me again after him being gone 6 months and prior to that living together where he completely ignored me.

Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 07/12/2021 19:24

@GoodnightGrandma

Please don’t agree to anything before speaking to a solicitor. A 50:50 split seems poor from your side at your kids ages. As he still owns half the house I’d be expecting him to pay half the house insurance. Where is he paying council tax ? If it’s with you he should pay half, if it’s at the rented place you can get single person occupancy reduction.

I have removed him from the council tax and am getting the single occupancy discount. I've no idea if he is paying council tax where he is staying though. Yes I think 50:50 would not be the right move for me right now. I felt so guilty early on that I thought I owed him that and it would keep the peace but I know I need to make sure I don't put myself and the kids in a difficult situation financially.

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 07/12/2021 19:26

@GoodnightGrandma

Might be worth getting one of those Ring doorbells so you can see when he’s there. And if he’s using your food and utilities he needs to pay towards them.

That's a great idea, thank you. Would it alert me when someone is at the door even if they don't ring the bell?

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Original poster

HELPNEEDHELP12398765 · 07/12/2021 19:31

@GoodnightGrandma

Why you don’t want is him buying the family home if you decide to sell, because then his house is the kids ‘home’. You might be better to keep it and change the locks, then settle for a while and see how you feel. It would also put you in charge of who you sell to.

Yes this is one of the things I have been concerned about, if he bought me out they would see his house as their home. I have always done everything for the kids so am very keen that I stay as primary carer and they stay with me the majority of the time.

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