A question for those that stayed in the family home

[HELPNEEDHELP12398765]

Did you regret it?

My husband and I have separated (6 months ago) , the kids and I are living in the the family home (I am paying all bills, he gives me money for child maintenance) and he is renting a room from a friend.

At the moment he comes and goes as he pleases. Always uses his key and just lets himself in, tells the kids he will be over and never asks me. I found out he was here the other day when I was at work and when I was away for the weekend, putting the heating on, eating my food, using the water etc. I feel I have no say in anything, can't impose any rules for the kids as he is always here. As he is just staying with a friend he had no space to have the kids there so only ever sees them here. I am paying for the house now although it is legally half his so I feel I can't try to stop him.

I had originally hoped to buy him out with the help of family but now I'm wondering if that would be a bad decision. Will he always view it as his house, feeling entitled to just come over whenever he wants, moan about what I have done to it or what I have neglected to do. I find it very hard to stand up to him and say no so I'm thinking maybe I should be selling and buy somewhere else with the help of family and have a fresh start, live somewhere that had never been his home.

Sorry for the rambling! I'd be really grateful for advice and to hear other's experiences.

I think you do get a notification, but I’m not sure as I don’t have one.
But if I follow through with my divorce I will be getting one.

Based on the information on here, the OP has a house where she can spend time with her children. Her ex has a room where he can’t spend time with his children. That’s not fair on the children.

OP both you and he need to decide on how you both are able to spend time with your children independently. There is a better answer than this and you both need to find it. Whether this involves him getting a home for himself or you agreeing he can be in the house on set times.

You don’t have a right to change the locks and claim possession of the house unless you give him an agreed share of the equity. Doing so could incite unnecessary acrimony that isn’t good for your children. There’s nothing stopping him breaking in and returning to live there.

Whether through mediation or together as adults you need to sort this out in a way that is best for the children and does not cause unnecessary inconvenience to either of you.

@LemonTT

Based on the information on here, the OP has a house where she can spend time with her children. Her ex has a room where he can’t spend time with his children. That’s not fair on the children.

OP both you and he need to decide on how you both are able to spend time with your children independently. There is a better answer than this and you both need to find it. Whether this involves him getting a home for himself or you agreeing he can be in the house on set times.

You don’t have a right to change the locks and claim possession of the house unless you give him an agreed share of the equity. Doing so could incite unnecessary acrimony that isn’t good for your children. There’s nothing stopping him breaking in and returning to live there.

Whether through mediation or together as adults you need to sort this out in a way that is best for the children and does not cause unnecessary inconvenience to either of you.

Yes at the moment he is staying with a friend although he could afford to rent somewhere on his own, where the kids could stay, but he has chosen not to.

I definitely won't change the locks, it would cause too much tension and I'll feeling. One of the reasons I've not complained about him coming round so much is that I want to keep things as calm and amicable as pains for the children. I think we will need more of a set routine going forward though until we work out what to do with the house and both have a suitable home.

I bought my EH out. When he moved out I was paying all bills and mortgage and he kept a key. Eventually after 6 months of this I told him it was no longer his home, and either he gave it back to me, or I changed the locks (my solicitor backed this decision). He reluctantly did.

The house has been mine for nearly 18 months. Originally I thought I'd stay a year but my DS has struggled with the split and for him this is the only stability. I decorated his room earlier this year and he loves it. I've also decorated several other rooms, working my way through it and it now feels more like my house than our house. I have plans to decorate a bit more in the new year. I've made changes that he wouldn't have liked as our tastes were very different and I always compromised. It's nice to have it as I want it now!

I'm not sure I'll stay here forever, but I like the area, have lovely neighbours and my son is happy here.

My intent is to have the house very marketable and review Right Move every day to keep my options open.

I stayed in the family home in the exact same circumstances as you! And I remember that first year him coming over and just walking in etc

But after a year I put my foot down and he got a flat if his own.

He wouldn't dream of just walking in now and doesn't have keys either.
It's 5/6 years on now, and sometimes he stays over when I'm not here as it's easier for him to look after the dog and kids.

It will get better, he won't rent a room forever, just start slowly implementing some ground rules. It's very early days

I asked for his key back. I just said seeing as though you don't live here I'd like your key. Legally he didn't have a leg to stand on with the key x