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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

First mediation session

42 replies

Sweetie1980 · 17/11/2021 11:35

Hi there, I have posted before. I have my first session tomorrow. My ex has requested mediation but is still threatening me with court, he is telling his solicitor he wants to be amicable but in private talking about court. My solicitor has sent him a letter regarding me continuing as primary carer ( he works long hours and has never been able /wanted to do much ) but he only responded about mediation for finances and did not mention childrens arrangements, which worries me as he is threatening court. What can I except from the first session? Thank you

OP posts:

TheresACrackInEverything · 18/11/2021 08:01

The first session will be actually 2 sessions as the mediator will see you both on your own. Lots of questions about finances. Then they will try to ascertain whether you are both willing to go the mediation route, and whether they think it will work. If he just says 'I wanna go court' without a good reason that could count against him in court, ie he might have to pick up costs. Why do you think he wants to go to court, or it it just posturing?

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 18/11/2021 13:41

It's probably to hurt me as he was demanding 50/50 with children, I have no idea what he is thinking now.

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 18/11/2021 14:14

I went through mediation with my STBX.

We had a session each first, as the poster said, and then joint sessions. I consulted a solicitor outside of mediation too - just a few hours of consultation. I did this because my STBX is very forthright and opinionated and I am empathetic, so I knew I needed someone to really key in to me and my needs and situation and effectively give me a game plan.

Our mediation was good in that she indicated if we needed legal advice for specific issues, and would say things like 'a court would never agree to that' if one of us (i.e. STBX) suggested something preposterous.

Mediators are there to get to you agree so I think how useful it is depends on how willing to flex / listen / compromise both parties are.

Bobsmyaunty · 18/11/2021 14:16

I should add we began mediation in June and are only just finalising it. We did a few sessions with a mediator. Then he would put together a plan, I would consult my solicitor, then we would talk again. It has taken ages but actually I think the breathing space in between has helped us process each stage.

I am a SAHM at the moment and he is a high earner. Happy to share what we agreed on if that's helpful.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 18/11/2021 14:50

Thanks for the post bobs, that is very useful. If you could share what you agreed that would be useful as I am a sahm, however, I work some hours when there is work ( never more than 10 hours per week ) thank you

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 18/11/2021 20:13

No problem.

We agreed a 60 / 40 split of assets so that I could buy a small house mortgage free
His inheritance would be solely his (his Dad died recently)
Our pensions would remain as is (although his is slightly larger. At first we agreed to equalise them, but our house sold for more so I dropped this)
He will pay CM based on the kids being at his 2/3 nights a week.
Our childcare looks like this:
Week 1: he picks up from school Thurs nights and returns them to me Sunday
Week 2: he picks them up from school Weds eve and back to school Friday morning
School holidays 50/50 childcare although he is already kicking back on this because I am picking up part time work. I'm happy to have the kids more tbh so have left this for now
He will pay me spousal maintenance until I manage independently - no set date, but he can see that I am trying to work asap

THAT is very different from his starting point which was he keeps our home, our rental and paid me 50% of our assets using his inheritance.

For me, I've had to pick the things I felt stubborn about (asset split and childcare arrangements) and let a lot of other things go. I've had to remain quietly stubborn, let him rage, see I won't budge, that it's reasonable, and then he comes back to the table.

He remains unhappy about the asset split but can see that I need to re house me and the kids and because he's a high earner it has to be reasonable. I'm not talking anything grand here, but I mean he could see the courts wouldn't agree to me in a flat and him in a detached family home.

Hope that helps!

TheresACrackInEverything · 18/11/2021 21:43

That's really helpful, Bob. We haven't been to our second session yet, my stbxh is pushing me to agree a % Before we go. But its good to hear that the mediator guided things a bit. We're both quite stubborn, and he's really struggling to accept that he simply won't have the lifestyle he has now. I guess it's easier to deal with that it it's your decision. But it's 'poor me' all day long.

TheresACrackInEverything · 18/11/2021 21:51

How did it go, OP?

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 19/11/2021 21:34

Thank you everyone for all of you help. I liked the mediator and felt she was good, I did have to tell her all about the verbal abuse and intimidating behaviour which was hard. I am dreading the one next week with both of us. My ex comes across as charming to others and will no doubt tell a lot of lies. He has only asked for mediation for the finances and didn't respond to my solictors letters to say the assumption would be that I would remain the primary carer. Do you think he has agreed?

OP posts:

freeatlast2021 · 22/11/2021 19:39

@Sweetie1980 How are you doing? How did the mediation session go?

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 23/11/2021 06:39

It went was hard at times but wasn't too bad as it was just with me. I haven't heard anything about the joint one as yet. I am struggling living with him, I feel anxious all the time as he is angry and has no patience with the kids, I have no idea how I will get through Christmas .

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 23/11/2021 06:53

Sweetie I totally relate. We’re still leaving together, although we agreed to separate in March. He moves out in Jan.

What helps is him staying up near work two nights a week.

However, I’m worried because your STBXH sounds quite mean. Do you feel safe?

freeatlast2021 · 23/11/2021 16:21

@Sweetie1980 I thought you would have had the joint one by now. What is it that you are waiting for? Who is setting it up?

I know that period from the moment you say you want to separate until a few weeks after he moves out will be the hardest. It was for me. Even though we did communicate but just the basic staff, it was still very painful. I remember feeling physically sick most of the time. My blood pressure was going up and down, my heart was racing, my anxiety was through the roof. I slept on the mattress on the floor and could not sleep so well, also worried my kids will come in and find me there.

I hope you start your mediation soon and things start moving. If he is not very cooperative and is aggressive mediation may not work. If you have not done that already I suggest you find a solicitor. I have not done it until the very end, when separation agreement was to be drafted, but I felt so much better after I talked to her. She told me some things I did now, but I also felt, I do not know…protected somehow. I know that they are expensive and that is why I avoided them too, but if you can at least have a half an hour free consult and/or an hour extra, it would be useful.

Take care and keep posting. It helps.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 23/11/2021 17:44

Thank you for all of your help , I think the joint one will be it will next week now. I am wondering if anyone can relate to this? For the past two years I haven't been able to cry and became numb to the shouting, aggression and name calling, before that I would cry every night but I couldn't feel any emotion for the last two years.. I feel like it's all going to come out soon. ..

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 23/11/2021 18:00

Sweetie I’m wondering if you’re in a narcissistic relationship?

I’ve been in counselling for the last year to deal with my divorce and toxic relationship / it’s helped so much. Perhaps worth a try for you?

FreeAtLast - everything you’ve just said! I can’t wait fir him to move out. It’s dreadful living together. I’m not looking forward to weekends without the kids tho

freeatlast2021 · 23/11/2021 18:03

I am very sorry to hear this OP. I cannot help unfortunately, but are you able to get some counseling? It is probably a reaction to trauma. I hope your husband leaves soon, once he is out of your life you will start feeling better. Hugs.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 23/11/2021 18:10

Possibly, he over reacts to everything and blames me, he accuses me of shouting when I am not. I think I will try some counselling.

OP posts:

freeatlast2021 · 23/11/2021 18:19

@Bobsmyaunty When my ex moved out I felt so guilty and anxious. It only lasted a couple of weeks though, and while I was still seeing him here and there, but then I started feeling so much better.

My DC are grown though still living with me. Only one is a minor. They only see him on Sunday evening for pizza and movies and this is by his choice. First he said, kids can come whenever they wanted but it turned out they can only come when he wants and it is that one evening in the week which is very difficult for them as they have school and work and life, you know. I am sure that it is much harder with younger kids but still, life is a bliss now that I am on my own, with my kids, you will see. Hugs

freeatlast2021 · 23/11/2021 18:28

@Sweetie1980 Oh dear, yes, please do, counseling worked wonders for me. When I started two years ago I was a mess. But only a few sessions later I felt so much better, my thoughts were clearer, she explained some stuff to me and why I felt the way I did, she told me that what was happening to me was emotional abuse, financial as well to a certain extent. My ex definitely had narcissistic traits, like @Bobsmyaunty mentioned and what you are explaining sounds like it too. My ex never shouted, swore or hit me but he was driving me crazy still. Sometimes I wish he would yell and scream. The more we argued the quieter he would get and as soon as I raise my voice he would tell me "not to shout". I felt like he was draining the life out of me. It was so hard to function around him.

The other day i found this definition of a narcissist and I literally shuddered, it is my ex to a t. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a lack of understanding of other's feelings.

Joanna000603 · 27/11/2021 23:12

So reassuring to read this post and comments. I’m due to have my first mediation session and was feeling quite anxious.
My stbx and his solicitor haven’t responded to exchanging form E. Oddly though, as soon as he received correspondence about mediation, he couldn’t wait to tell me (in front of the children) and reassure me that everything will be ok. This was after he stopped paying into the account for bills. My solicitor says he is controlling me with coercive financial abuse.

Bobsmyaunty · 28/11/2021 07:20

It’s shocking how often this happens. I don’t think my STBXH is a narcissist although he is definitely emotionally blunted in some ways (due to boarding school I think) but my ex fiancé was described - by my counsellor at the time - as a psychopath. Maybe he would be described as a narcissist now, it was 20 years ago. They are awful to deal with. I’m my experience it’s keep your mind focused on your goals, do not react to the emotionally loaded red herrings they throw at you and know that you will be free soon. They will be forever trapped in their narcissist merry go round. It never ends for them.

Counselling has been life changing for me.

My STBXH is due to move out in Jan, which is good, but I’m now experiencing grief at the prospect of not being with my children. It’s not just the days apart … it’s the experiences I won’t witness. Holidays, festivals etc. Not knowing all that goes on in my children’s lives feels so shocking and disconnecting. I’ve been a SAHM for most of their lives. They’re 6 and 8. It’s time to get back to work for me anyway so I am totally ok with that. But not being there for them for so many huge chunks is so sad.

Nat1010 · 28/11/2021 07:45

@Sweetie1980

Possibly, he over reacts to everything and blames me, he accuses me of shouting when I am not. I think I will try some counselling.

Omg this is exactly what happens to me, the accusations of shouting!

TheresACrackInEverything · 28/11/2021 14:03

Our first joint session is coming up and im feeling quite panicky about it. We have been told to get a load of stuff together but no mention of a Form E, where does that come in? What happens at that first joint session? How did you negotiate the split?

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 28/11/2021 15:57

I have our joint season next week. I am also feeling very anxious about it , I was told we need the form e for the next session . I wish he would move it , it’s so stressful living with him. He gets up late and watches sport all day , shouts and is angry most of the time . I really hope he doesn’t push for 50/50 as court will really drag it out !

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 28/11/2021 15:58

Move out sorry …

OP posts:

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