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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

First mediation session

42 replies

Sweetie1980 · 17/11/2021 11:35

Hi there, I have posted before. I have my first session tomorrow. My ex has requested mediation but is still threatening me with court, he is telling his solicitor he wants to be amicable but in private talking about court. My solicitor has sent him a letter regarding me continuing as primary carer ( he works long hours and has never been able /wanted to do much ) but he only responded about mediation for finances and did not mention childrens arrangements, which worries me as he is threatening court. What can I except from the first session? Thank you

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 28/11/2021 16:46

We didn’t do a Form E but then he was quite forthcoming with our accounts and assets - although I would never know if the numbers were wrong.

The mediator should guide you, and you have the right to not agree to anything and seek independent advice. In my opinion, mediators go for agreements so best to understand what you need before you go in. Also, they focus on ‘needs’ do research house prices, do a budget that includes everything, it will be hard to go back and add things you forgot. Also, I had counselling on my ‘nice to have list’. The mediator moved it right up to ‘essential’ so in the same category as food and heating. Bear that in mind if you want to get counselling … put it in your budget at this point. It’s expensive.

TheresACrackInEverything · 28/11/2021 17:15

Ditto, Sweetie. He thinks it's all absolutely fine living together in the same house (separate rooms, but still quite often eating together for convenience). It isn't, the kids hate it.

Thanks for that Bob. All of our finances are separate, I have nothing to hide though and he seems to be working on getting all his stuff together. He's reluctant about bank statements more from privacy (booze, porn?, I'm guessing).

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/12/2021 17:36

So the mediation session was two hours of hell he was still demanding 50/50 and suggested a week on and a week off , luckily the mediator told him kids are to young for that . He told so many lies to justify why he has never done any childcare and doesn’t want to give me a share of family home as he claims it was from his family money . I have a call with my solicitor tomorrow ..

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Bobsmyaunty · 01/12/2021 18:20

Sweetie, I’m sorry to hear that :(

I had to consult with a solicitor too and it took my STBXH a good few months to come around to the idea of 60/40 but if he is a high earner, and you are the primary caregiver then 60/40 does seem to be fairly normal?

Let us know how it goes with the solicitor.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/12/2021 19:02

He is claiming now that he will just be doing low level work that doesn’t pay much , is 60:40 two nights contact per week ? I don’t know if I can continue with mediation , he is much better convincing people than I am . I am so angry and sad that due to his abuse I will lose so much time with my children , how do others cope with that ?

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freeatlast2021 · 01/12/2021 19:10

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately with people like that mediation may not work at all. My ex was much more cooperative but I still found mediation useless. We only had one session together and after that I hired a lawyer to get some advice. My ex cooperated in the end but complained the whole time, although I am certain that he was hiding some money from me.

Anyway, I know that lawyers are expensive, but honestly, I felt so much better once I talked to her, somehow, I felt protected. See if you can get one and also, do get some counseling. This is hard, I know, but it will be over soon and then, you can enjoy the rest of your life in peace.

Hugs.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/12/2021 19:22

Thank you free at last . I feel so down about it all. He refuses to move out so I am stuck all Christmas with him

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freeatlast2021 · 01/12/2021 19:40

Oh, it is hard when the things are out of your hands. I can only imagine. Do try to spend time by yourself or with your DC doing what you enjoy. Be kind to yourself and do not take on too much at this point. A lot of your energy will be spent stressing and worrying about the separation. During my separation I literally did everything I thought would help, meditation, yoga, reading, crafting and most importantly counseling. Some or all of it did help, I survived. I even started reading bible (I never read it before in my life). I still do all of this even four months after he has moved out. I am terrified now if I stop doing it I will fall apart.

I wish I am close and that I can give you a hug. I know I needed it badly but Covid was raging full speed at that time. Take care OP.

Bobsmyaunty · 01/12/2021 19:57

Agree about solicitors.

Also, he will be advised that he has a duty ‘to maximise his income.’ That’s what was said to mine !

Sweetie, we are 60/40 asset split but childcare is wk 1 thurs to Sunday at his
Wk 2 Weds to fri at his

He’s due to move out in a few weeks. A relief but I am so sad at not having my children with me all the time. I’ve been the primary carer for so long, I’m so cross to settle at a 60/40 childcare split but recognise they need their dad etc

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/12/2021 21:52

Bobs that must be hard ..has your ex always been a hands on dad ? I am struggling with coming to terms with not seeing the kids every day and I won’t be there to comfort them when he gets angry .. I keep wondering if my life is going to be better or Just as bad

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/12/2021 21:53

Thank you free at last

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/12/2021 13:07

Just wondering, did anyone stop mediation and successfully negotiate via solicitors ? I feel sick with worry after the session yesterday and I am not sure if I can face it again I can hardly eat and not sleeping , it’s so hard I sometimes wish I had never started it

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Bobsmyaunty · 02/12/2021 13:26

I did to consult and then we returned, but my ex husband whilst arrogant and annoying and prideful can be reasoned with. If yours can’t turn yes, stopping might be an idea. If you have sufficient funds then it might even be better for you’d long term co parenting. What’s your gut feeling on the matter?

And yes I’m expecting it to be hard without the kids too. My ex husband was at work a lot but when he’s with the kids he’s good with them. Emotionally, he’s not got as much bandwidth but practically he’s very good and works hard to make their day fun.

I don’t think staying in a toxic marriage is ever the right thing to do. I said to a friend of mine that it’s not like I made an actual choice so much as looked the truth square in the eyes and … there if was. After that, you can’t unsee, you can’t go back.

We’ll get there, Sweetie.

You’d kids will see you stepping up and being fully you. It’s the best gift you can give them. Permission to live for themselves.

TheresACrackInEverything · 02/12/2021 13:38

So sorry your session was so alarming, Sweetie. Our was very different but there are no young children to think about. She spent the whole session writing down our assets and basically asked if there as any reason it wouldn'y be 50/50 share.

"doesn’t want to give me a share of family home as he claims it was from his family money"
What did the mediator say to that?? It doesn't make any difference where it comes from does it? It's a marital asset.

Did you feel the mediator was fair and gave you your say? I think at any point you can say you want to go to court or do shuttle mediation. Maybe try the latter, it may be less adversarial for you. If you are feeling bullied in a mediation situation, I don't imagine you'll feel any more in control in court, that could really give him a platform. But I have no experience of that.

freeatlast2021 · 02/12/2021 18:22

We only had one mediator but to be honest she was useless. I mean they are not lawyers and will not advise you, that is the problem, they are there to help you reach an agreement. So in a way, you have to come with the knowledge what you are or not entitled to, what you think is fair/ acceptable to you and stuff. Ours, I think, was intimidated by my ex. I mean we were supposed to bring bank and credit card statements for 3-6 months. I brought one month worth and he brought a list of his accounts with totals. I did not dare say anything, and she did neither. I suspected that he did not disclose everything and told him that, but I now wish I had asked him to print out proper statements, but I hoped she would say something. It was only later when I talked to a layer she said I should have asked this because he could have withdrawn the money just before the meeting.

Either way we only met the mediator once each of us alone and once together. She then made a mistake in calculating child and spousal support (i have to pay him because he is earning less). She also told me that I have to keep paying him support for as long as he is earning less. It was not until I hired a lawyer that she explained this may not be the case and told me to offer him only one year worth witch I did and he accepted. We wanted the mediator to help us with the separation agreement as I was not comfortable doing it myself and my ex did not want to hire a lawyer to save money. When we were ready to finalize it and I reached out to her she told me she had family emergency and could not work with us any more, but anyway, she said the list of assets we are sharing that I typed up was enough to go to a lawyer with to put together an agreement. So five hundred dollars we gave her in the end was literally for nothing.

Luckily we are not wealthy, we do not own anything except some savings, otherwise I would have been screwed, I know because for my ex money is everything.

Bobsmyaunty · 02/12/2021 18:46

Wow, Freeatlast - what a fiasco! Sounds like you were really let down by the mediator and the lawyer.

I do agree, tho, that mediators are just there to reach an agreement and unfortunately you have to do your own research etc. My mediator was pretty good at managing my STBX for most of the time, but sometimes, yes, she was swayed by him. He's also very good at putting an argument together and was very 'I want to do everything that's right for everyone,' during the mediation. But had actually begun our discussions (outside mediation) with an argument that was him keeping the family home, the rental property and giving me a small sum to go buy something tiny. He still doesn't really see why that is not reasonable!

The mediator for us was very needs based too, so I'd say you need to get a clear idea of what you need.

But Sweetie, it sounds like you are going to have to deal with solicitors. Have you found a good one?

TherapyClient · 11/12/2021 22:47

I'm in such a similar position OP and so commiserations. My solicitor said mediation won't give advice, we need to save ourselves the cost by going in with an idea of what we've agreed first, and it might be that we have to battle it first with solicitors. If we can agree, then that minimised mediation needs and costs, and can go straight to a judge to sign off. But if not, then court.

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