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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How long did it take for you to actually make the move ?

39 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 16:09

I’m going round and round.
I want to leave, I’m going to stay, I want to leave.
I don’t even think that, if he made the changes, I’d still want to be with him. He’s had years to make the changes, we’ve talked about the problems, he said he’ll change/try harder, nothing changes.
I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want this either.
The kids will blame me . Arghhh !

OP posts:
FlowerySusan · 08/11/2021 16:11

About 10 years .

Is my only regret in life that it took me that long .

winniemum · 08/11/2021 16:48

9 years. I came on mumsnet looking for answers, I felt everything was my fault (that’s what he told me).
Wish I’d gone a bit sooner but I really do understand why it’s difficult for you.
It was never quite bad enough for me to leave. Although in hindsight staying has not done my DS1s mental health much good.
I left 5 months ago and am gradually getting used to being on my own, I’m late 50s. It’s not easy but I love not being married to him anymore.
Couldn’t have stood it for another 30 years.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 16:51

I feel like I’m pushing down all my frustrations inside to keep the peace. I say sarcastic things in my head.
I feel like I’m hiding the real me inside somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 16:52

I know the kids will blame me. That it’s not that bad and I should just get on with it. That I’m the problem.

OP posts:
winniemum · 08/11/2021 17:03

How old are your children?
Is he ok with them? Does he shout/say horrible things?
Mine was quite shouty at the children which is why I should have gone earlier. They all say ‘why did it take you so long?’ now.
Wish I’d known, I thought they’d be happier we were together

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 17:47

Kids are all over 16.
He’s fine, a good dad. No shouting or anything.
There’s just no relationship left, we’re two people living in a house together.
It’s just leaving the security and going it alone. I think about being in a grave on my own, with my maiden name on the headstone.
I sometimes wonder why I bothered.

OP posts:
winniemum · 08/11/2021 19:07

Your decision sounds more difficult than mine, as my DH was a terrible Dad.
Could you have a trial separation?
Give it at least 6 months.
I left a few years ago, lasted 2 weeks and went back to him as I felt so down.
The first few weeks are the hardest. I spent the whole time wondering if I’d made the right decision.
I don’t envy your decision.
Ikwym about the headstone.
I feel like leaving my DH has disfigured the story of my life in some irredeemable way.

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 09/11/2021 10:04

Just gone through this, I left after 4 months as things just weren’t getting any better. Crashed at my mums for a month and now I’m moving into my new home today.
Ex and I are still good friends and we’re co-parenting pretty well, but we just didn’t work as a couple anymore. We decided to end it while we were still able to be friends rather than dragging it out to the point where we hated each other.

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 09/11/2021 10:05

Forgot to mention, our DS is 6 and is actually taking the whole situation a lot better than either of us could of hoped for! It’s not always easy, but it is doable.

MrsMadderRose · 09/11/2021 10:13

It was 4 years from when I first thought "it's definitely over" to when I told him. The kids were little and I couldn't bear the thought of them having to be alone with him when I knew he'd be really disorganised and lax, forget to give them drinks, stuff like that. Plus I was very scared of him reacting badly, and I was in a bad place myself (for an unrelated reason, but his lack of support compounded everything).

The kids did blame me, and he encouraged them to - but they don't now (5 years on from separation). It was hard but I was making the right decision for us all, including him IMO. The 4 years I spent waiting helped be get stronger and be really sure - I don't see them as wasted as such, though if we hadn't had kids I could have gone straight away.

MrsMadderRose · 09/11/2021 10:16

I think about being in a grave on my own, with my maiden name on the headstone.

We're all in a grave on our own when it comes down to it. Most women I have known or seen on here who have made the decision to separate, find a whole new world of happiness and freedom even if it's hard to start with. In fact I can't think of one who hasn't.

aLittleL1fe · 11/11/2021 22:34

Too long. 15 years. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

I recommend the book:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

aLittleL1fe · 11/11/2021 22:37

I wouldn't be so sure about your kids reactions! Hope Gap movie is written from a point of view of an adult child of divorcing parents - you can watch it if you need that kind of perspective.

freeatlast2021 · 12/11/2021 04:41

I would say at least 15 years. I know that right now it feels like something you can never do, like it would be a disaster, like your world will be turned upside down. The thing is, you have already decided and there is no going back (even if you do not know it yet). This will happen sooner or later. When it does you will see that it is totally doable, that kids will survive and it will be amazing. Life is awaiting you.

Cleopatricia · 12/11/2021 11:07

@MrsMadderRose I'm in the same position. I realised 3 years ago when my son was a baby and have been planning my escape since. Also worried about the lax parenting. How has his parenting been since separating? My son will be 4 when I initiate the separation after Christmas and I'm very nervous.

MrsMadderRose · 12/11/2021 11:32

Cleo it has been OK, touch wood. He's become slightly better as a parent because he has to spend more time taking responsibility for them than he ever did before. He is still not great, he's emotionally manipulative and he blatantly favours DS over DD, but the kids talk to me about it and have his number, I think. They don't like going to his much (and luckily it's much less than 50-50 at his), but they do love him. He has some good points, I have to hand it to him that he does try and we can communicate civilly, but he thinks he's the dog's bollocks and I'm a crap parent, and I have to let that go.

Ultimately both options were not great for the kids - staying together, massively disliking him, living in his mess, having arguments and a bad atmosphere was upsetting for them too and modelled a bad relationship. This way at least they have a calm, relaxed home and I've shown them that it's OK to be single and not stay in a bad relationship. Plus it gets easier for us all as they get older, have phones, can come and go etc.

comfortablyfrumpy · 12/11/2021 12:10

They don't change, if you wait for them to change you wait forever, sadly.

Cleopatricia · 12/11/2021 14:24

@MrsMadderRose modelling a bad relationship here too. Once every couple of months I become visibly hysterical about life with DH. DCs don't know what's happening and I blubber away in my bedroom for 24 hours. I just teeter along, focusing on the positives the rest of the time, pretending all is ok, tolerating family activities with him, pretending until eventually I just cave in and crack up for a day when he's pushed me too far with his selfishness. I know this isn't healthy at all and I don't like what it teaches them.

MrsMadderRose · 12/11/2021 15:30

Oh Cleopatricia I remember exactly that scenario. I used to hide in the bedroom to cry. I used to keep myself sane by buying small items for the future and hiding them – just having a plan he didn't know about helped.

I also (this will sound a bit bonkers) used to try to "ask" my future self to let me know if I had got away and it was all OK. So the person I am now, back then I tried to reach out to her for mental reassurance, and now I look back and tell myself then that I'll get there! Looking back I was really desperate and maybe actually a bit bonkers, but it helped.

And yet he could never grasp that it was his behaviour - selfish, lazy, gaslighting, manipulative, self-aggrandising and passive-aggressive - that drove me to despair. He still thinks he's Mr Nice Guy and I'm just weird and unstable.

Cleopatricia · 12/11/2021 16:37

@MrsMadderRose you sound far from bonkers. You sound just like me.

Around 3 years ago, I was out walking with my DCs feeling really low and I had this weird feeling come over me that my future self was telling me to listen, listen to this discomfort within my body, the lack of love and affection I was feeling. It felt so strong. Like future me was watching over this version of me asking me to just stop, stop and listen. I've told myself since that if I ever get away, I'll tell old me to listen to myself.

Lovinglife45 · 12/11/2021 16:53

Cleopatricia
Your bi-monthly meltdowns sound awful and bring me right back to a dark time in my life. My meltdowns were weekly, however I was not composed like you. I screamed, shouted and broke items in the home. If I had not left I would be rocking somewhere in a mental institution.

Whilst sad, I am in a better place mentally and emotionally.

My stbxh also called me emotionally unstable and did not trust me to care for our dc. Nothing at all to do with his infidelities and years of gas lighting, lying and deceit of course!

Cleopatricia · 13/11/2021 09:09

As abusive and volatile as the behaviour sounds, that was your fighting spirit coming out @Lovinglife45

Lovinglife45 · 13/11/2021 19:27

Cleopatricia
I was and still am utterly ashamed of my behaviour. There can be no future with a spouse/partner who brings out the absolute worst in you. I hated who I was when with him.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/11/2021 00:31

I thought I'd gone through the Kubler Ross grief cycle and I'd come to acceptance. But, I realised this weekend that I have been in denial the whole marriage.

He's not a bad man, but he is incapable of being what I need. If he was going to be that, provide that, try to be that, we'd be fine.

18 years of denial. So now I have anger/barganing/depression all at once. Roll on acceptance.

CosmicUnicorn · 20/11/2021 16:47

Probably 10 years. What I realised was I was making myself unhappy whilst protecting the happiness of others.