Page 2 | How long did it take for you to actually make the move ?

GoodnightGrandma · 2021-11-08T16:09:50+00:00

I’m going round and round. I want to leave, I’m going to stay, I want to leave. I don’t even think that, if he made the changes, I’d still want to be with him. He’s had years to make the changes, we’ve talked about the problems, he said he’ll change/try harder, nothing changes. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want this either. The kids will blame me . Arghhh !

WhooohaHoldOn · 21/11/2021 00:13

First thoughts were 11 years ago. But the time wasn’t right, i had a newborn baby etc. We got married and it took further 5 years, 3 rounds of couples councelling. I’m now divorced and whilst not all is rosy i don’t regret it at all. He was never the right person for me.

Mojoj · 21/11/2021 00:31

Too long. My life now is amazing. Happy. Relaxed. At ease. My kids are happy. That's what we all want, isn't it? Happy kids. Happy life. Go for it. It'll be shit for a while and you'll massively doubt yourself. And then...it'll be bloody brilliant. Good luck.

Myotherface · 22/11/2021 04:48

Really needed to see this thread. Been wanting to leave for 10 years but just can't. Kids all very happy and settled. DH tells me he would kill himself if he couldn't be with the kids every day. He also tells me we can't do it to the kids because it would mess them up beyond anything. I just can't do it to them. But I can't continue like this either. Spending months every year off work,depressed, thinking how I want to end my life but can't because of the kids. Just can't take his passive aggressiveness and clinginess, favouritism with the boys, lack of empathy or non sex related affection. It feels so desperate.

starrynight21 · 22/11/2021 05:09

I waited for 18 years. My kids were 4 and 1 when I made my decision, but that decision was to leave when they were old enough to be independent. I stayed because I was able to live like a sister to him, and he was a good father . I don't have any regrets about that - my kids were my main concern, and in the end , they'd had a good childhood and their lives were not damaged at all.

I guess I could have left earlier, but I hung in there and left when it suited me. I've since remarried and it's all good , so I have no regrets about the time frame.

MMMarmite · 22/11/2021 05:54

@GoodnightGrandma

Kids are all over 16. He’s fine, a good dad. No shouting or anything. There’s just no relationship left, we’re two people living in a house together. It’s just leaving the security and going it alone. I think about being in a grave on my own, with my maiden name on the headstone. I sometimes wonder why I bothered.

I'd worry more about my life than my gravestone. Is it a sense of shame or embarrassment about being single? Or finances ? Or practical support? Realistically unless you are older than him, you are the one more likely to end up caring for him, and then being alone in your final years anyway.

Original poster

GoodnightGrandma · 22/11/2021 07:16

@Myotherface

Really needed to see this thread. Been wanting to leave for 10 years but just can't. Kids all very happy and settled. DH tells me he would kill himself if he couldn't be with the kids every day. He also tells me we can't do it to the kids because it would mess them up beyond anything. I just can't do it to them. But I can't continue like this either. Spending months every year off work,depressed, thinking how I want to end my life but can't because of the kids. Just can't take his passive aggressiveness and clinginess, favouritism with the boys, lack of empathy or non sex related affection. It feels so desperate.

So he’s threatening to make you stay ? Nice. The thing to do is to get your ducks in a row behind the scenes so you are ready when you do go. And you will.

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Original poster

GoodnightGrandma · 22/11/2021 07:19

MMMarmite - it’s finances and being lonely. I know I don’t want another relationship.
I’d scrape by on my own, as long as I stayed employed, but I could actually give up work if I stayed.

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Strongerthanyouthink · 22/11/2021 13:50

It is sadly common for the person to threaten to take their own life, particularly if the relationship is abusive to try and make you stay. It's another tac tic. Remember you are not responsible for their own behaviour.
I probably shouldn't have got married, so it took me about 15 years to leave. Much happier now. I never thought I would take the leap, wondered if I could stay for the kids, but I'm so glad I left as their lives are so much happier already.

findthecourage · 22/11/2021 14:16

@Strongerthanyouthink May I ask how old your children were when you left ? I am struggling to leave. Desperately want to, but seem to be a bit of a coward saying the actual words. Heartening to hear you are happy, delighted for you

Strongerthanyouthink · 22/11/2021 16:46

@findthecourage my children were 10 and 13. There is never a good time or age I don't think. It's also worth realising how long it takes to separate and divorce. You might start with a 10 year old, but by the time you've gone through mediation, solicitors and possibly courts you can be years down the line and they are 12 or 13!
It's hard and heartbreaking, but not nearly as hard as staying in a relationship that brings daily unhappiness.
How old are your children? X

findthecourage · 22/11/2021 17:27

@Strongerthanyouthink thank you for replying. I think I am going round in circles with no end in sight. My emotions are high which doesn't help me positively. Have one DS who is 8years old. He adores his father which makes it even harder for me. I feel so trapped, drained and so unhappy. And I am getting upset with myself for seemingly being so afraid to speak my truth. What is wrong with me, in all other aspects of my life I am a go getter, but seem to be almost submissive at home and feel so humiliated. I have been to see a solicitor who has said chances are my H would get more than 50% equity as I earn more (he is on very low wages). Means the home will have to be sold ( that I worked so bloody hard to get). Heavens above this is hard

Strongerthanyouthink · 22/11/2021 18:17

@findthecourage I was the same, organised, worked hard, but ended up being ground down at home. All I can say is, there are lots of twists and turns. You can try and plan for every eventuality, but it doesn't work! You literally have to jump and see where you land. My children are happier because I am happy. They no longer see me tense and stressed. I can't put into words how different i am and i never thought i would get out. My husband would have just carried on forever, in the end it took my solicitor writing to him to properly start the process as he just buried his head in the sand.
You will get there x

Original poster

GoodnightGrandma · 22/11/2021 18:22

[quote findthecourage]@Strongerthanyouthink thank you for replying. I think I am going round in circles with no end in sight. My emotions are high which doesn't help me positively. Have one DS who is 8years old. He adores his father which makes it even harder for me. I feel so trapped, drained and so unhappy. And I am getting upset with myself for seemingly being so afraid to speak my truth. What is wrong with me, in all other aspects of my life I am a go getter, but seem to be almost submissive at home and feel so humiliated. I have been to see a solicitor who has said chances are my H would get more than 50% equity as I earn more (he is on very low wages). Means the home will have to be sold ( that I worked so bloody hard to get). Heavens above this is hard [/quote]
An you get a mortgage to buy him out ?

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findthecourage · 23/11/2021 21:38

@GoodnightGrandma Sadly whilst I could afford to take over the current mortgage and all bills on my salary, I would not be able to buy him out :( I did crudely try to make the figures work but no. Will be big disruption for my DS but think will have to sell family home