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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this fair? am i in the wrong? financial abuse possibly?

34 replies

Gemski38 · 25/10/2021 12:25

My husband is self employed, we have a joint account that our money goes into, however all his money goes into his business account, he then transfers money over every month for the bills etc. I'm currently a student nurse so only on a tiny bursary.

Some months he is earning £5000, but he NEVER puts any extra money in. Never offers to pay for things when we are tight, like school uniform, birthdays, house updating etc. Some months we are skint (as i manage all the money) but the other money is not offered as its HIS buisness money.

I know when self employed you have to have a build up of cash due to quiet months, bills, tax bills etc. But I've never seen no benefit of him being self employed, when i ask if we can get the kitchen done, use some for kids etc.. its NO its a waste.

But he went and bought a fancy £7000 van that he needed for work, and has made comments about how he wants to but another house to rent out!!!

I feel like he is financially manipulating me a bit. He has close to £20,000 in the bank but watched me use my inheritance off my nan to buy carpets and things for the children..

If i am wrong and its totally non of my business please someone tell me. We argued over it yesterday again but he just shuts me down straight away.

I brought up that i wasn't happy anymore, and mentioned separating. He said he WOULD NOT let me have the house, and if it was sold he wants the deposit he put down back, then his share, which would leave me with nothing. He sees it that because i ONLY worked part time (because i was raising the kids) and now i'm a student but its online mostly so he sees me just sitting at home doing nothing in his eyes, that i haven't contributed, so this house is HIS life savings..

Just wondering where i stand on it all. I feel he's keeping money from us, because its HIS money. and i know for sure he would make my life so hard if i tried to leave and keep the house.

Just wanted some other views on it really

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 25/10/2021 12:28

He's financially abusing you but you know that. Regardless of what he wants you are married and entitled to a share of everything.

FleasInMyKnees · 25/10/2021 12:47

If you divorce it wont be up to him what you get entitled to, that's for the solicitors to negotiate and he has to provide for the children, how old are they. What does your money go towards, have you got your own separate bank account. Have you looked at what benefits and top ups you could claim for yourself and DC if you separate and what accommodation would be available.

FleasInMyKnees · 25/10/2021 12:48

Your uni or RCN will have a legal department you could speak to just to see what the legal position is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2021 12:49

Does he not pay himself a salary from the business?

Capferret · 25/10/2021 12:51

Quietly get evidence of all his accounts etc.
Get advice.
Think about leaving.

ChipsNCurry · 25/10/2021 12:54

You will be financially far better off divorcing him as you will be legally entitled to a share of what he currently seems to view as 'his' - house, pension, cash etc.

Also he will have to pay maintenance for the kids. But I expect given his behaviour to date he will try and wriggle out of that by claiming his business make no money. So get lots of paperwork together showing exactly what he does have and does earn.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 25/10/2021 12:56

You are married. See a solicitor ASAP

ditalini · 25/10/2021 12:57

It's family money, so if he wanted to keep his finances separate he shouldn't have got married.

Having said that, self employment makes it easier to hide money (illegal, but easier) so if you do decide to make a break it would be worth trying to document the true family financial position first if possible.

Original poster
Gemski38 · 25/10/2021 13:03

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz he pays himself the money that goes into our joint account he says.

I only have one account which is the joint one. My bursary, child benefit, my wages (when i was working) all go in there, and everything gets paid out of it, bills, food, basic living etc.

i don't have access to his business accounts, I've never seen them. But if I mention money or using some of it etc, he gets real defensive. Just keeps saying He wants us to buy another house (which I've told him i am NOT doing)

but he can buy £7000 vans, £400 bikes, but loses it if i mention that.

Ive given up everything in this marriage, my good job, my old home, i have been bringing his child up for 6 years, and i mean doing EVERYTHING

All the bills, housework, shopping, school runs, birthdays etc, money management, basically doing it ALL but i get the feeling he'd watch me go penniless if we split!

I feel like a unpaid maid most days..

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 13:04

@ChipsNCurry

You will be financially far better off divorcing him as you will be legally entitled to a share of what he currently seems to view as 'his' - house, pension, cash etc.

Also he will have to pay maintenance for the kids. But I expect given his behaviour to date he will try and wriggle out of that by claiming his business make no money. So get lots of paperwork together showing exactly what he does have and does earn.

Well that’s not quite true. The op is on a tiny bursary, she’d need to look at what benefits she was entitled to but she doesn’t appear to be in situation where she can cover her own bills. He’s doing this, her complaint is he’s not paying more the additional stuff and makes her do it, whilst he pays the day to day.

She would be entitled to half the equity as a starting point on the house, and maintenance for the kids, but that’s all.

Original poster
Gemski38 · 25/10/2021 13:12

I cant get evidence of his accounts, I have no access to them at all, and wouldn't know where to start looking.

I have a gut feeling i am being abused financially, i have told him this so many times but he just says "it doesn't work like that, its my business money" and he tells me I'm stupid because i "don't get it".

he def hides money, and he would withhold miniatous if we split. He's told me before that if we split he would go part time to get benefits and pay hardly anything to me for our son..

I dont know what to do, he wont leave the house, wont leave me have the house, probably wouldnt buy me out, and would lie about money also i think

I'm so fed up with it all. 8 years ive supported him through everything and i'm the one feeling used and worse off

OP posts:
FleasInMyKnees · 25/10/2021 13:13

If he has a limited company you can view the accounts on line through companies house. If all his money goes into the joint account then make copies of statements of what goes in and out. You may be able to find details of his business account if he transfers money out of it to pay into the joint account.

LemonTT · 25/10/2021 13:33

If you divorce then the marital assets will be split. This includes the house, savings held by either of you, pensions and debt. It also includes his business.

He doesn’t get to dictate what you are entitled to. The law does that and this is enacted via a court and a judge. If you have a low wage and are deemed to be the resident parent you will probably get a better share than 50%.

But, he will have an accountant advising him on how to minimise his earnings and the value of the business. That’s pretty much what you pay your accountant to do when running a business to reduce tax burden. It will be expensive for you to demonstrate this is not the case.

This means your share of the business might not be great and future CMS will be minimal.

As you are retraining and on a low income with a child you may be able to secure a Mesher order. This defers splitting of the equity in the property for a period of time. You don’t get to keep the house and won’t necessarily be able to increase your share if paying the mortgage. It can just kick a problem down the road and you really need to have an exit plan for when the house is sold.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2021 13:39

Is the 7k van for the business?

Viviennemary · 25/10/2021 13:48

If the house is in joint names then you are entitled to half. If its in his name only and you are married you still should be entitled to half. I don't think you can complain about the van purchase as its for his business. See a solicitor without delay. You being a student does complicate matters as you don't have much income. Did he agree to this. It doesnt sound as if he is happy about your lack of earnings.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2021 14:03

@LemonTT

If you divorce then the marital assets will be split. This includes the house, savings held by either of you, pensions and debt. It also includes his business.

He doesn’t get to dictate what you are entitled to. The law does that and this is enacted via a court and a judge. If you have a low wage and are deemed to be the resident parent you will probably get a better share than 50%.

But, he will have an accountant advising him on how to minimise his earnings and the value of the business. That’s pretty much what you pay your accountant to do when running a business to reduce tax burden. It will be expensive for you to demonstrate this is not the case.

This means your share of the business might not be great and future CMS will be minimal.

As you are retraining and on a low income with a child you may be able to secure a Mesher order. This defers splitting of the equity in the property for a period of time. You don’t get to keep the house and won’t necessarily be able to increase your share if paying the mortgage. It can just kick a problem down the road and you really need to have an exit plan for when the house is sold.

This is not really true. First off she says he’s self employed so he could be a tradesperson or similar Ie a plumber or electrician . She would highly be unlikely to be given half the value of his work van for example depending on how he runs his business,

I think some folks hear the word Business and automaticly think it’s some form of empire.

Original poster
Gemski38 · 25/10/2021 14:10

yes he said the van was for his business, so i understood that. But the other things then like "saving because i want to buy another house" when we are struggling each month, and he hasn't even asked me if i wanted to buy another house (i dont).

He wanted to get his daughter full time, so we did
He wanted to go self employed, so he did
He wanted to move house, so we did

I have just been the one supporting him and bringing up 4 kids whilst he does whatever he fancies at that time.

When i worked part time, he said it was pointless, "it was a shitty little job" i was earning nothing he said (around £800 a month) whilst also doing everything at home, school runs etc and everything for the kids etc

So then i left to do my nursing, and now its all "because you don't earn, you don't contribute" i feel like i cant win with him. He says he will support me whatever i decide, but then makes derogatory comments

He would expect me to qualify and earn a decent wage but pay for everything whilst he hides his probably.

Both our names are on the house, but he wouldnt leave me stay here, and he insists he wants his deposit back so i would be left with nothing and 3 children.

Mentioned a Mesher order, he laughed and said no way.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 25/10/2021 14:19

Forget what he says about wanting his deposit back. He has no chance. Seems like a Mesher order is hard to get these days. But as you have four children you've a better chance I'd say. You need legal advice. I wouldn't even say anything to him yet. But will you manage a nursing job as a single parent and children to look after.

Niconacotaco · 25/10/2021 14:49

Open yourself a new bank account as well, just for you. Get your money paid into there and only transfer small amounts same as him. Also means he can’t clear out the account if you split up

Original poster
Gemski38 · 25/10/2021 14:51

@Viviennemary this is a huge worry of mine. Id have to move out probably, get a house for myself and my 3 children, study and go on placement as a single mum. Not to mention the financial side of it..

My other option is to stay until I qualify, but that is another 2 years away.

I'd be financially secure when i qualify but still means being we have all these issues for another few years

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 25/10/2021 15:01

It is financial abuse, your suspicions are correct. A solicitor will confirm this.

thetesdybears · 25/10/2021 15:08

I'd consider staying until you are qualified but then again do you know what your entitled to on your own? U might be surprised, u cld do a benefits calculator.

Take your time and work it all out, gather as much info as possible if you can on his business and finances. Get out once uv organised everything. Life is too short to be with such a horrible man.

He's an absolute miserable git who sees his family struggling for money while he has plenty in the bank. Disgusting behaviour.

cuttlefishgame · 25/10/2021 15:08

It's not fair, you are not in the wrong, and yes it is financial abuse.

Get a divorce and take the bastard to the cleaners.

FleasInMyKnees · 25/10/2021 15:23

I would try not to discuss it with him anymore, it's not his decision what you or he will be left with. The Court will decide. Like pp said, I would change your bank details, get your money put into your own account, if it's a joint account you can take money out of it just as much as he can.

pickingdaisies · 25/10/2021 15:27

First of all, stop telling him you are thinking of leaving him. Stop mentioning mesher orders, let him think you've given up on the idea. Talk to Woman's aid, talk to a solicitor, do not tell him you are doing this. Not a word. Get legal advice. You are entitled to more than he is telling you but if you keep running your plans by him you are giving him a chance to hide the funds. You need to get an escape plan in place and it may take a while. You have to be strong now.