Is this fair? am i in the wrong? financial abuse possibly?

[Gemski38]

My husband is self employed, we have a joint account that our money goes into, however all his money goes into his business account, he then transfers money over every month for the bills etc. I'm currently a student nurse so only on a tiny bursary.

Some months he is earning £5000, but he NEVER puts any extra money in. Never offers to pay for things when we are tight, like school uniform, birthdays, house updating etc. Some months we are skint (as i manage all the money) but the other money is not offered as its HIS buisness money.

I know when self employed you have to have a build up of cash due to quiet months, bills, tax bills etc. But I've never seen no benefit of him being self employed, when i ask if we can get the kitchen done, use some for kids etc.. its NO its a waste.

But he went and bought a fancy £7000 van that he needed for work, and has made comments about how he wants to but another house to rent out!!!

I feel like he is financially manipulating me a bit. He has close to £20,000 in the bank but watched me use my inheritance off my nan to buy carpets and things for the children..

If i am wrong and its totally non of my business please someone tell me. We argued over it yesterday again but he just shuts me down straight away.

I brought up that i wasn't happy anymore, and mentioned separating. He said he WOULD NOT let me have the house, and if it was sold he wants the deposit he put down back, then his share, which would leave me with nothing. He sees it that because i ONLY worked part time (because i was raising the kids) and now i'm a student but its online mostly so he sees me just sitting at home doing nothing in his eyes, that i haven't contributed, so this house is HIS life savings..

Just wondering where i stand on it all. I feel he's keeping money from us, because its HIS money. and i know for sure he would make my life so hard if i tried to leave and keep the house.

Just wanted some other views on it really

That’s financial abuse.

Thankfully you’re married to him.

Set up your own bank account and havd your money put in there. Then transfer a FAIR amount into the joint account for now.

Save your money. Divorce his arse

Let him buy another house, it’ll be half yours anyway.

@Bluntness100

I don’t really see your point. I have not implied the business is big or small or if it is company or sole trader. None of which makes a difference to whether it is a marital asset.

The business is an asset no matter how big or how it is structured. If the van is a business asset then it’s value will be taken into account when valuing the business. The OP and the courts will consider the value of the business when splitting assets.

The issue will how the business is valued.

The problem here is that you are listening to him. He doesn't get to decide who knows what in a divorce. He has to produce all of his bank accounts and work accounts, he doesn't get to hide them away. Ideally it helps if you know account details but if not you just need to know that they exist. Go and see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, contact the benefits office and say you are separated and submit a claim in your own right even if you are still living in the same house. Stop putting any money into the joint account and pay your half of any bills from the benefit money. Get proper advice and get rid of this drain on your time and emotions. You are worth more than this.

As others have said, get as much evidence as you can, write down everything you know. Go and see a solicitor so you know your legal position. You're married, so he doesn't get to dictate who gets what, there's legal process involved.
Your contribution in raising the children is a valid one, don't get browbeaten about that.
Yes I think he's financially abusing you, and you need some legal advice asap so you can work out your next steps.

Dear OP I am so sorry that you are going through this, but please listen to me when I tell you, financial abuse is REAL abuse. It hurts, it affects you just like physical abuse would. If you FEEL abused than most likely you are, you do not need us to tell you that. Often times in a relationship there is an imbalance when it comes to money and finance handling. We are taught to deal with so many other things in relationship but no one tells us or teaches us how to deal with this. When joining another human being in a relationship whether it be marital or common in law, finances are one of the most important issues that should be discussed and most of us do not do that.

I was financially abused by my, now ex, for years. When we started living together I wanted to keep my financial independence but he persuade me to have a joint account, so I did and soon after he just took over. I wish I have not done that. Fifteen years ago he did something stupid and I should have left him then but I did not. He treated our money like it was his. Would not allow me to participate in decision making. I did however start taking control of my money, slowly but surely, but it was hard. He still controlled our finances as much as he could, re we never purchased the house, never owned a new car, never went on a proper vacation. He vetoed all our decisions whenever he could and I feel like I did not really live my life the way I wanted but the way he wanted it. Twenty five years later, I finally did leave him but in the mean time I suffered so much. I am an old, middle aged woman that by the grace of god has three amazing children. However, there are so many other things I never got to do because my ex did not allow it.

Btw, by law you are entitled to at least half of everything you have acquired together.

You are not entitled by law to at least half ! That is not correct
There is a presumption of joint ownership but you are entitled to a fair share - could be less than 50% could be more

As a pp has said you need a bank account for your own stuff. At the moment he isn't giving you his and he has access to all of yours. Then I you get a bursary etc don't mention it to him and you will also be able to access those funds in an emergency and it would also mean if he cleared the joint account you would still have some money for yourself.