Separation - where "should" DH live?

[Peach1886]

DH and I are about to embark on a trial separation, and I'm wondering what arrangement might be the least disruptive for DS 6.

A rented house immediately over the road is about to become empty. On the one hand that sounds ideal, DS could have an agreed routine EOW + 1 week night with his dad but with the understanding that he could go and see his dad at any time, and DH could continue to share the school run, and join us for a shared meal each week. He could also continue to do the bedtime routine some nights.

But I also wonder if that would be confusing for DS, if it's not separate enough? On each other's days we will all bump into each other all the time...and I wonder if that will be harder for him than being completely away when he's with his dad. We both need "space" (for different reasons) but neither of us needs to be moving on with our lives in terms of finding another partner - the trial separation is just that, no idea what will happen at the end of it.

I am not currently willing to look at 50/50 unless DS specifically asks for it as the reasons for the separation are complex (abuse) and I need DS to have the maximum stability possible.

Any thoughts on the housing idea gratefully received, this isn't a situation I had ever thought to be in and I am desperate to do the best for DS, however hard that is for either of us

If he gets the house across the road, that level of drop-in/involvement might not give you the mental separation/space you need.

I wanted to have as open a door as possible for the experience of my kids. It’s a good thing to aspire to, but go gently into that, it causes a lot of friction to roll back on access.

How do you feel about having him across the road? It’s ok to say if that feels like a safety net nearby or whatever it might feel like! Just be straight with yourself. Also know that what you need now, if you continue to stay separated, may not be what you need in a year or so.

i assume rental minimum is 6 months so sounds ideal for a trial.

say 1 street away may be better but that may not come up for a while and you are stuck in same house or 30 min walk away.

I think if you are doing a trial separation then you need to live as if you're really separated. Living over the road won't be that, he will be back and forward all the time, you'll be asking him to pick bits up from the shop on his way home from work etc etc.

A little further away would be better as it will give you real insight into what life will look like if you split.

PLUS if you do end up splitting permanently, you will both be better off not living within each other's eyeline, it's a recipe for disaster. If he moves into this house and then you decide to make it permanent, he might be settled there and not want to relocate, then it will be too late and you're stuck living in each other's pockets.

Given that there's abuse I don't think that housing solution is remotely appropriate.

I think it sounds like a good idea, especially for your DS.
50:50 is utterly miserable for everyone.

Have you talked to Women's Aid?

Just think - if you do make the split permanent do you want him being able to track exactly when you're in or out, who you have round etc. It just wouldn't work.

I wouldn't have thought a house across the road would be suitable, nor 'a shared meal every week'. Sounds like a trial separation without really separating.

DH should move a little further away so you're not likely to bump into each other every day and I would nix the idea of any sort of shared outings/evenings together as confusing for DS.

If later down the road you want to do a family meal or something fine but I would be clear at the start what a separation means - it's easier to add things than take things away iyswim.

What does your DH want? It’s not your decision alone. 50/50 would be best unless he is abusive towards your child. I’d advise being within walking distance or a short drive, but definitely not in eye sight!

I think with abuse over the road is too close.

Thanks everyone, very helpful comments and ideas - I know it's not my decision where DH lives, I'm just trying to put DS first and if I can suggest something that makes this nightmare easier for him then I need to do that.

But it sounds like we'd be confusing him being so close, and trying to share time - again it felt like that would be a good thing but from what PP's have said, the opposite would be true.

I don't want to be doing any of this, but at the moment there is no other option.

This is not a good idea, repeat, not a good idea. My ex husband moved into a house in the same road. It is so hard, very claustrophobic and controlling. There was abuse in our relationship too. As far as I'm concerned he moved into the same road to continue the psychological abuse. You need appropriate and safe boundaries.

Across the road is a bad idea. OH ex did that and used to stand in her window watching his door

@Peach1886 I don't think a house over the road is suitable at all if the reasons for separation are abuse on you. He will be watching you daily life and would be awkward if you ever moved on.

However in regard to the 50/50 arrangement, if he is not abusive to the child then why can't you agree with that?

If he is abusive to the child then I would definitely get some kind of authority involved to insure he is assessed accordingly.

If you are determined to split up then I living so close is not a good idea. A pretty bad idea if abuse is the reason for the split.

@Champersandchocolate, he has not recently been abusive to DS, but he was until about six months ago. I don't believe that he is in enough control of his emotions - particularly if I manage to make him move out - not to at least "lean on" DS emotionally, and I don't want DS to have to cope with that.

More generally I'm not sure that 50/50 is necessarily in a child's best interests, it sounds like it should be, but actually it's about making it "fair" for the parents.

I am very much hoping that the trial separation is just that, a trial and precursor to us trying again once DH has sorted out his issues. If it was "just" that our marriage was in trouble then I might feel differently about DS spending more time with him, but it's more complicated than that unfortunately.

And thanks everyone, I have definitely given up on the idea of the house over the road...it seemed like an option but I am very grateful for all your honest advice that it is not, and am listening to it!

I think it would be a terrible idea for ALL of you for him to be that close. In the same town is close enough.

@ftw163532

Given that there's abuse I don't think that housing solution is remotely appropriate.

This with bells on. Nor would i be doing a shared meal weekly.

You need to be a minimum of a mile away.

Your DS needs to understand that you are separated. Don't confuse him by saying it is a trial as if you get back together then separate again for good you would have confused him completely.

Your husband shouldn't come to yours to do the bedtime routine nor for a meal as that isn't good for the adults let alone your DS.

If you want to have a meal with your husband and DS it should be outside your house at a restaurant or cafe, as it is a public place so your son feels like both of you are more likely to behave yourself.

Hang on OP, he has abused your son (and maybe you although you haven’t said that) and you’re considering 1) taking him back in 6 months, 2) 50:50 access and 3) a high level of post-separation access?

It’s fantastic that you’re taking steps to get away. Maybe don’t make anything permanent until you’ve had time to clear your head after the separation.

@Burnamer - I am keeping all options open at the moment because I just can't think straight; one moment I want it all to be over forever, and the next it feels like we can fix this, so long as DH gets proper long-term help for his issues (potential ADHD, discussed on another thread) which may, or may not, be relevant to how he has treated both of us.

As you say the first thing is getting DH and I in separate places - that's being worked out atm, DH is reluctant but I am insisting and then we'll see about the rest of it - I very definitely need to clear my head and will be making nothing permanent until that's done, however long it takes. DS is my absolute priority, now and forever.

@Peach1886 I can understand it's complicated and a difficult situation.
I have been through it, under it and over it.

The advice given to me was that I can contest all I want but at some point my childrens dad will eventually have my children either 50/50, every other weekend or whatever the courts decide if we couldn't come to an arrangement.

I'm pretty sure you can navigate your situation to be whatever you'd like in regard to childcare as long as the dad doesn't pipe up with an arrangement your not happy with - but definitely don't let the house over the road sink in.

I think you deserve to move on and space is better.

From what I read from you, it sounds you are pretty much out of it and this "trial" separation is just a stepping stone to his way out.

I wish you all the best.

Hello OP. I recently separated and my ex moved in the same building complex. I was happy for him as we live in a coop and is fairly inexpensive housing and for me as he would not want to move unless he found something suitable like that. I also thought it would be good for the kids as they can pop in to their dad's whenever they can (our kids, we have three, are grown up and they live with me). While my ex is not violent and mostly avoids me these days, I feel very uncomfortable that he is there. Every time I walk by his place I look to see if his car is there and even that small thing always causes anxiety and distress in me. I think that they have to live far enough for you not to bump into them or see their car or anything, in order for you to start moving on and healing.

I have been through domestic abuse and I need to warn you that the time of your actually leaving is when abuse can actually ramp up rather than reducing, and he is highly likely to make the child a pawn in a custody battle etc. Having initially hoped when we split, like you, that we could be amicable and share parenting like all the idealistic literature tells you is best for the child, the truth is that within months I had to get a non molestation order to stop him turning up on my doorstep and being abusive. There was also a lot of difficulty over childcare arrangements with a stressful rush to the school gates daily to see who could get there first before we got a court date (obviously awful for the child but genuinely nothing I could do about the fact that he would ignore the existing status quo and any attempt to agree a schedule unless I have in and accepted that I would never see my child again). For all of these reasons and more DO NOT encourage him to move in across the road!! And don’t go back to him. Please get some support from a domestic abuse support worker, they can guide you through this.

Someone else had posted that they were advised they can contest it all they like but it will ultimately end up 50/50 at court. To some degree they are sadly correct, and certainly if you can live with 50/50 (or whatever he will agree which is less custody to him than this) and don’t think it will be hugely harmful to the child through abuse of the child then yes probably best to save the time, money and stress of family court and cut to the chase. If you honestly think it’s not the best thing for your child (and you should definitely argue this way if there has been any physical or sexual abuse of the child - which is not to say I think emotional abuse isn’t just as damaging potentially, I do but it’s harder to prove and harder to get the courts to take seriously unfortunately), you CAN fight this through the courts if needed but be prepared for a long hard slog. To cut a long story short, after years of court cases, I eventually got CAFCASS to see what was really going on and they recommended no contact with his father due to the risk of emotional abuse. Unfortunately my sociopathic ex charmed the judge into dismissing and overriding the CAFCASS recommendations which is almost unheard of… Although my ex always argued for 50/50 he never quite got it because of his behaviour and in reality my child has spent the majority of his childhood with me and not his father, but at the expense of my exhausting myself emotionally, psychologically and financially in court to achieve this. Genuinely feel the stress of it all may have knocked a decade or two off my lifespan. I personally think it’s worth it as I believe his father to be a very dangerous and emotionally damaging man who would have caused irreversible psychological damage to my child if he had got his way. Instead he is now a well adjusted loving teenage son who respects women and has a great relationship with me. He doesn’t see his dad any more but that is entirely through his dad’s choice, the door has been open to his dad throughout (and technically still is) by me, my son, and the court if he could act in a non abusive way and I would genuinely have been open to 50/50 custody, no matter the heartbreak to myself, if he had shown himself able to be a “good enough” father to not be abusive to him when he had him.