Separation - where "should" DH live?

[Peach1886]

DH and I are about to embark on a trial separation, and I'm wondering what arrangement might be the least disruptive for DS 6.

A rented house immediately over the road is about to become empty. On the one hand that sounds ideal, DS could have an agreed routine EOW + 1 week night with his dad but with the understanding that he could go and see his dad at any time, and DH could continue to share the school run, and join us for a shared meal each week. He could also continue to do the bedtime routine some nights.

But I also wonder if that would be confusing for DS, if it's not separate enough? On each other's days we will all bump into each other all the time...and I wonder if that will be harder for him than being completely away when he's with his dad. We both need "space" (for different reasons) but neither of us needs to be moving on with our lives in terms of finding another partner - the trial separation is just that, no idea what will happen at the end of it.

I am not currently willing to look at 50/50 unless DS specifically asks for it as the reasons for the separation are complex (abuse) and I need DS to have the maximum stability possible.

Any thoughts on the housing idea gratefully received, this isn't a situation I had ever thought to be in and I am desperate to do the best for DS, however hard that is for either of us

If there was abuse and he is over the road that’s awful.

If you ever went to court on the grounds he abused your son. The first question I’d be asking is ‘if you thought it was that much of a problem why did you live over the road from him’. It suggests you don’t think that there is an issue with his Dad’s behaviour and that on some level makes you culpable for it.

And to some extent @Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco is right. Keep your wits about you. So many times it’s amicable and then one person gets with another person, or they can’t control you anymore and it escalates.

And because when it escalates you don’t do anything, it keeps escalating. Really you should have the concerns about abuse logged with MASH. Because one day you might need it.

And to be honest, because if he’s abusing your son he shouldn’t be around him.

Basically I would urge you to ignore everything you hear and read about good parenting post divorce unless it has specifically been written with reference to the situation of domestic abuse. Sadly the same rules do not apply in this situation although they may be very appropriate for non abusive splits. This includes the SPIP that a court may require you to attend. I would urge you to attend if they make you but just be aware that it is not a programme intended for the specific situation of domestic abuse (the advice on the course is all fine and good in non abusive situations where the power dynamics are totally different), and give feedback at the end of the course to the instructor (like I did) that you feel it is inappropriate that you have been asked to attend as a victim of domestic abuse. I did this and the organisers of the course were genuinely shocked and horrified that even though domestic abuse had been disclosed to the court, I had still been mandated to attend, and agreed with me that it was inappropriate for this circumstance. If I were braver I would have made a formal complaint but I needed the judge on side as much as possible and couldn’t risk it.

And yes @Spandang has a very good point that if you are ever arguing domestic abuse and custody issues in court they will ask why you encouraged him to move in across the road. Be smart. I was really hampered in the early stages of my child custody court case because we had initially agreed a shared custody schedule on advice from the solicitor I saw, who I think genuinely thought I was just “playing the domestic abuse card” instead of genuinely being a victim of domestic abuse, and told me when I said I wanted sole custody to “think again because if you go to court with that attitude you will be seen as the hostile parent in the equation and risk sole custody being given to your ex instead”. Then when we ended up at court later and I laid everything out for the barrister her first question was “so if this man is as awful and abusive as you say he is, should we not be arguing for sole custody?” And I said I had been previously advised this was not a thing I could argue without risking losing custody altogether, and at this point I didn’t see how I could argue it because wouldn’t the judge be asking why I had been allowing shared custody up until then?” And she said “yes, of course and we therefore will struggle with that line but we can still try if you think that’s right”. At that point I said no it was previously ok until he took the headstaggers and decided to ignore the routine, let’s just try and get some sort of schedule I can work with going to avoid this racing to the gates situation for the child. Still can’t decide if my solicitor gave me terrible advice to begin with, or if they were just being real with me, as genuinely I think it would not have been a totally unlikely outcome that my ex would have got sole custody if I had gone in and argued it at the beginning before the courts were able to see his emotionally abusive behaviour for themselves (he later abducted our child etc).

It's unlikely that you would get the house across the road, by the time you've made your mind up, arranged the viewing and filled the application it will probably have gone to someone else the way the rental market is going at the moment.

My parents did this when they separated. Mum met someone else and moved on, Dad was still hoping they'd get back together. He was very jealous when Mum started seeing her new partner, watching her out the window all evening, following her, writing down all her movements etc. Mum moved out as soon as her tenancy ran out.

You're talking as if this might be temporary, like you might get back together if he sorts himself out, you're saying that neither of you are looking for new partners at the moment. My friend separated from her husband for six months telling him they'd get back together when he sorted himself out. They are now divorced and he now has a new partner. He enjoyed being separated and didn't want her back. How would you feel if your DH started seeing someone else within months, you'd have to see her coming and going all the time?

I was in a similar situation; my ex was very controlling, manipulative & abusive to me (although nothing the police could charge him with).

He wanted me to buy a flat round the corner, while he remained in the old family home just in the next street. He even arranged a viewing & put a solicitor's note of interest in.

Having felt controlled & manipulated for years, I bought one elsewhere as I could not face living so near to him & that he would use the proximity to continue to take advantage.

He wanted 50:50 shared care but I had concerns about his parenting (leaving 8 year old alone & shouting/swearing at 12 year old DS).

So I did my best to safeguard them, reporting to the school, police etc.

In the end, they are with me 70% of the time, which is the best I could do without going to court.

Please protect yourself & put your child first.

If he's abusive being that close gives him far too much control. Get some distance and don't let him come and go as he pleases.

Thanks everyone I am reading and taking it all in...the priority at the moment is getting DH out of here (and definitely not to the house over the road) and then once I have headspace I can start thinking about everything else.

Also please be aware that if he is abusive, he will make things really difficult.

Mine refused to move out, knowing fine well that I couldn't get a rental or afford to buy locally. Nor would he allow me to move somewhere cheaper, or the kids to move school.

I had to live with him for 2 years until it was all settled.

Someone else had posted that they were advised they can contest it all they like but it will ultimately end up 50/50 at court. To some degree they are sadly correct, and certainly if you can live with 50/50 (or whatever he will agree which is less custody to him than this) and don’t think it will be hugely harmful to the child through abuse of the child then yes probably best to save the time, money and stress of family court and cut to the chase.

I work in the family court system so sit in a lot of private law hearings and I very rarely see a judge award 50/50 time. This is because it’s generally accepted by the judiciary that children only really benefit from 50/50 shared care when there is consistency and good communication between parents, otherwise it can be emotionally very disruptive for them not to have a secure “base”. Most cases that end up in court do not involve parents who fit this description, for various reasons.

Court is absolutely, or should be, a last resort and it’s always better if you can agree safe, beneficial arrangements between you, but trying to avoid court is not a reason to cave in to something that doesn’t work for your children.