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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

CHEATING SPOUSE

58 replies

JaneP1964 · 28/09/2021 12:17

Husband confessed 2 months ago that he has cheated on me yet again. Stupidly I forgave him 4 years ago. Since then the marriage has been a sham. Great to the outside world but behind close doors, separate bedrooms, no intimacy for 3 years. We were ok (ish) for a year after I found out he cheated the first time, then we had a massive row and he used it as an excuse to sleep separate. We still did the holidays, going out etc but no intimacy. Now 4 years later, he confesses to seeing someone and is leaving me to be with her. I asked him to leave, to which he replied its not that easy! I made it easy by packing up his stuff! This was 2 months ago and he is now living with his mistress at the weekend and the matrimonial home during the week. He comes back bold as brass on a Monday evening. We do not speak, he lives up in his bedroom. He literally walks in from work and goes straight upstairs. Pops down for his wine and coffee (moreso wine). I have contacted a solicitor who wrote to him to see if he will admit to adultery on the divorce but no response. I asked him when is he going to respond, he says when he's ready! I am now issuing the divorce on unreasonable behavior. I have had the house valued but he refuses to acknowledge this. So I can't even put it on the market. The house is jointly owned. The thought of living in the same house as him for the foreseeable is making me ill. I want a divorce, financial settlement and house sale asap but he is just plodding on. I even told him I would make sure he would not be financially penalised for setting up home with someone else whilst still married to me, but he still refuses to do one! Surely if he's confessed then he wants to be with her and she wants him to be with her! Apart from moving out myself I really dont know what to do.

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Strongerthanyouthink · 29/09/2021 16:13

Gosh, this sounds really hard. I think I would crack on with the divorce proceedings citing unreasonable behaviour and giving your reasons/examples. He only has a short time to respond. It's not common to contest this as it's so expensive to! In terms of settling the finances, I would recommend getting advice from your solicitor on how to proceed. They will probably recommend mediation. I think unless there has been domestic abuse, you need to go through mediation before court....

spotcheck · 29/09/2021 16:15

Are you in a financially secure position, OP?

JaneP1964 · 29/09/2021 17:02

Thanks for the replies. Solicitor is cracking on. I am not in possession of much money but once the house is sold, equity should be around £200-£250k. His Pension is £300k. Around £30k in joint savings.

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Maze76 · 29/09/2021 22:29

Go straight to mediation, it’s less costly than going through the financials using a solicitor. Proceed with the divorce on unreasonable behaviour- I filled myself, paid the £550 fee, really straight forward, no solicitor required.
The mediator will help you navigate the financials, once done you take the recommendation to a solicitor who will check them for the consent order.
A judge will not look favourably at your husband if he does not engage with the process- with regards to selling your house, the judge can order for your house to be sold. Crack on, do not let him intimidate you. He probably wants to buy you out the property and is trying to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible to achieve this.

JaneP1964 · 30/09/2021 12:46

Thanks Maze76. He can't afford to buy me out and I can't afford to buy him out. The situation at home is so uncomfortable, I long for the weekend when I know he stays with his mistress. I just wish he'd go full time!
I am stubborn so I will stick this out. He's the saddo who is living in his bedroom and the computer room. He never cooks at the house, I never even see evidence that he's had food. I have now started to cook for myself again. The smell of lasagne, chilli etc must make his mouth water lol.
My solicitor has already started to draft for unreasonable behaviour and is requesting stbx pays all costs.

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Maze76 · 03/10/2021 11:09

My husband sees his mistress once a week and never stays overnight- I’m like you, just wish he’d spend more time over there and leave me to it! It’s hard but we can see it through.

JaneP1964 · 04/10/2021 12:11

Maze Im so sorry your going through this too. How hard faced are they. Are you seeking a divorce too?
I shall just be glad to be rid of the cheating scumbag!
I am not a nasty person but I really hope the bottom falls out of is world, and he is left on his own in a bedsit! At least he'll have his wine to keep him company. His last (that I know of) cheating episode ended when he got the girl pregnant, he was 25 years his junior and as soon as she was pregnant he dumped her. He has to now pay maintenance for the next 10 years plus. I wonder if his new mistress knows this. Says a lot about him eh.

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onoyine · 05/10/2021 12:55

a bitter and twisted divorce is rarely a joy for anyone involved. The affair is more likely to be a symptom than a cause.

I'd suggest trying to have a reasonable conversation, accepting that the marriage has reached an end and what to do next for both of you. That's easier with a mediator but you both need to have the same sort of objective.. if you go for win-lose then the main winners will be lawyers.
Assuming that this wasnt an arranged marriage or a teen crazy match, you were probably once friends, try to rekindle that if you can just to be able to have some reasonable conversations, accepting that the marriage is over. But that's hard because he (at least) will probably be freaking out about the practicalities which will be daunting. Ultimately, most people don't really want to hurt others, especially those they do/once loved, but can spend £000s before they end up being grown up about it all.

@JaneP1964 says she's not a nasty person, but to paraphrase Forest Gump, nasty is what nasty says and does!

JaneP1964 · 05/10/2021 14:15

Believe me I have tried to have a reasonable conversation. I have even written it down and given it him. He totally ignored it. Then later laughs in my face and says he will agree to a divorce etc when he is ready.
At the moment he seems perfectly happy to be with his mistress at weekends and he obviously sees her at least once a week in the evening. The week he spends in the marital home. I can see me cooking Christmas dinner for my family and him being upstairs on his computer!
So, unfortunately he leaves me no option but to use a solicitor.

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Maze76 · 11/10/2021 15:47

I just don’t get why they don’t spend more time with the mistress?.. actually in my case I think it’s his ED which stops him. Since we’ve split he’s been taking every concoction he can!.. and like your situation I’ve had do so all the work to moving things along with mediation and divorce. it’s a pain!

JaneP1964 · 12/10/2021 11:20

Maze76, my husband suffers with ED too. He's taken viagra for a few years. When he first cheated I asked if he used viagra for her and he said yes. Ive seen the emails to boots on line, he buys a lot!
I have also just recently found emails to other women (one I know, but not a close friend). These are very explicit with what he would like to do to her and to be fair she hasn't encouraged him in any way, he starts off with pleasantries then as she responds he turns it to sexual, she then signs off!
What a pathetic saddo he is. I honestly think he just needs to prove to himself that he is irresistible to women! Believe me he is no oil painting but he sure is a charmer!

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Elizanandes · 22/10/2021 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Maze76 · 11/11/2021 18:21

How are you getting on @JaneP1964?

JaneP1964 · 15/11/2021 10:37

@Maze76. Nothing changed, apart from him being very friendly with me. No doubt thinking if he's nice I won't go for his pension! What about your situation?

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Maze76 · 21/11/2021 00:13

@JaneP1964 husband and I still living under one roof, but there is zero communication. We have reached an agreement through mediation on our financials, got it checked by a solicitor who gave it a thumbs up. So now it’s just got to be stamped by a judge, then the house will go on the market. I cannot wait for this to be over!

JaneP1964 · 22/11/2021 09:16

@maze76. Glad you’ve got a bit further on. As a matter of interest have you asked him why he’s not moved in with mistress. All I get is it’s not that easy. Divorce papers issued but he’s not mentioned anything. Carrying on as if everything is ok. Still with mistress at weekends. But now all my neighbors are asking why his car is never at home at weekends. So told them all why!

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Maze76 · 22/11/2021 18:11

@JaneP1964 oh my gosh I either get the same response to that question or no response at all! And yes he still spends Saturdays with her, but never overnight. I used to try and figure out their ‘relationship’, but I’ve lost interest now. But I don't think its the great romance he thought it would be.

Luckily he’s complying with the mediation process, and the divorce- but then I organised both so no effort required on his part.

If my neighbour asked about my husband, I’d have no problems telling them either, if they are happy to cause the women they claimed to have once loved heartbreak and stress,swanning around with their girlfriends ,then surely they can’t be ashamed of their actions?

JaneP1964 · 22/11/2021 18:20

@maze76 The grass is never greener. My husband has cheated numerous times in all his relationships and never actually left with the person he cheated with. The first one he cheated on me with had his baby and he didn’t even leave me for her. I so wish he had! I now have to wait to see if he files the acknowledgment of service 🤞

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Valaris · 22/11/2021 18:30

Can you change the locks one weekend? Get all his belongings and bag them up and put them out the front.

Only give him a key when he signs the divorce papers?

Legally not great but what's he gonna do? The police will say it's a civil matter? I don't think you can be arrested for it or anything?

JaneP1964 · 22/11/2021 19:18

My solicitor advised me against changing the locks 😞. What annoys me the most is he randomly spends a night in the week with her too. I’m left at home wondering if he’s coming back. My friends don’t like to call in case he comes in. Why he can’t be courteous and just let me know he won’t be back I don’t know. I just hope his mistress gets fed up of waiting for him to leave me and gives him the ultimatum. Then he can do one! And she can have him gift wrapped!

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Bessica1970 · 22/11/2021 19:37

Is it possible that she’s married and he goes there when her husband’s away for work?

JaneP1964 · 22/11/2021 20:15

I asked him if she was married and he said she left her husband. Though apparently not for my husband! He spends every Saturday and Sunday with her and comes back home Monday after work but tonight he’s obviously staying with her as he’s not back yet. It just angers me that he doesn’t have the decency to let me know he’s not coming back. I just want him gone!

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JaneP1964 · 23/11/2021 13:52

Omg, seek and ye shall find! I have found messages from him to women on a certain porn chat site. He has been meeting some women and taking photos of them and uploading them on the site (with their permission). I can see threads where he is asking many women to meet up with him. This is going back to 2013! He's been doing it for years. This new mistress is so welcome to him!!

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Maze76 · 24/11/2021 07:35

@JaneP1964 oh god that’s grim!

JaneP1964 · 02/12/2021 12:14

Update. He's now instructed a solicitor and his solicitor is wanting us to mediate over finances. My solicitor has advised against this as we already know what our finances are and its a question of agreeing who gets what. I have put forward my request and am hoping he will put forward his so we can then try and agree. He is still in the house.

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