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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

CHEATING SPOUSE

58 replies

JaneP1964 · 28/09/2021 12:17

Husband confessed 2 months ago that he has cheated on me yet again. Stupidly I forgave him 4 years ago. Since then the marriage has been a sham. Great to the outside world but behind close doors, separate bedrooms, no intimacy for 3 years. We were ok (ish) for a year after I found out he cheated the first time, then we had a massive row and he used it as an excuse to sleep separate. We still did the holidays, going out etc but no intimacy. Now 4 years later, he confesses to seeing someone and is leaving me to be with her. I asked him to leave, to which he replied its not that easy! I made it easy by packing up his stuff! This was 2 months ago and he is now living with his mistress at the weekend and the matrimonial home during the week. He comes back bold as brass on a Monday evening. We do not speak, he lives up in his bedroom. He literally walks in from work and goes straight upstairs. Pops down for his wine and coffee (moreso wine). I have contacted a solicitor who wrote to him to see if he will admit to adultery on the divorce but no response. I asked him when is he going to respond, he says when he's ready! I am now issuing the divorce on unreasonable behavior. I have had the house valued but he refuses to acknowledge this. So I can't even put it on the market. The house is jointly owned. The thought of living in the same house as him for the foreseeable is making me ill. I want a divorce, financial settlement and house sale asap but he is just plodding on. I even told him I would make sure he would not be financially penalised for setting up home with someone else whilst still married to me, but he still refuses to do one! Surely if he's confessed then he wants to be with her and she wants him to be with her! Apart from moving out myself I really dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 07/12/2021 23:18

What happens if he doesn’t agree the financials? From what I’ve been told, the courts recommend mediation to resolve financial disputes. Be wary of solicitors, going down that route will be more costly.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 10/12/2021 12:06

My solicitor says because I know exactly what are financials entail he will draw up a financial plan when he receives some bank statements, wage slips etc from me. Prior to agreeeing to any mediation.

OP posts:
languagelover96 · 13/12/2021 11:45

Make sure to keep a copy of all paperwork.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 23/01/2022 23:55

Update. Nothing much changed. He’s still in house and hers or wherever he goes at weekends. Acts like nothing is wrong when he’s at home. I think he’d be quite happy to live this way! I’ve now given all my financials to my solicitor to draw up a financial statement. He doesn’t seem to have done anything!! I had a date last week so maybe I should tell stbx it may jog him on!

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Original poster
JaneP1964 · 31/01/2022 10:52

Another update. I have now found out this woman is a solicitor, same age as him and has left her husband of 30 years for him. She is now in a rented property and is waiting for him to leave me, for him to sell the house and so they can then buy one together. Well he is still refusing to leave the matrimonial home and has not even started to talk finances with me or his divorce lawyer (shes not acting for him). Bless her I think she is in for a long wait. Lets hope she meets all his sexual dark preferences, if not he will soon be cheating on her once living together and mundane every life sets in.

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Bananarama21 · 31/01/2022 10:59

Op christ op so sorry could you also cite that he's had child with another woman as unreasonable behaviour aswell . Sounds like ow is in for a massive shock when reality does sink in.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 31/01/2022 11:14

Hi Bananarama21
Yes the child has been cited on the divorce papers. I think he has told her about the child as she would see the divorce papers so he can't hide that. He has taken the only photo he had of the child and the DNA results, he probably hid those in case they got into the wrong hands. Unfortunately this poor child is his dirty secret. But as we all know things come back to bite you on the bum! As a clever woman you would think alarm bells would ring, 4 wives, cheated on all, a child to a lover whilst in a marriage to someone else, a fetish for BDSM as long as its not with his current beau. When I asked him why he never asked me if I wanted to take part in this kind of sex he used to say I was his wife and he resected me too much!
I would gladly gift wrap him and deliver him to her doorstep free of charge! It's now 6 months since he told me he was having an affair and yet he still hasn't gone. She must be getting pretty fed up of waiting for him ..............................

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Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 12:19

@JaneP1964

Hi Bananarama21 Yes the child has been cited on the divorce papers. I think he has told her about the child as she would see the divorce papers so he can't hide that. He has taken the only photo he had of the child and the DNA results, he probably hid those in case they got into the wrong hands. Unfortunately this poor child is his dirty secret. But as we all know things come back to bite you on the bum! As a clever woman you would think alarm bells would ring, 4 wives, cheated on all, a child to a lover whilst in a marriage to someone else, a fetish for BDSM as long as its not with his current beau. When I asked him why he never asked me if I wanted to take part in this kind of sex he used to say I was his wife and he resected me too much! I would gladly gift wrap him and deliver him to her doorstep free of charge! It's now 6 months since he told me he was having an affair and yet he still hasn't gone. She must be getting pretty fed up of waiting for him ..............................
Well, he won't have any interest in her now will he? He's exactly the same as my STBXW. The thrill is in going behind your back, he doesn't care what he goes with. She'll be of no interest to him now.

Now, he'll look for a nice, vulnerable little wallflower who worships him like you used to and once that's established he'll be back on Tinder, Illicit Encounters or whatever he uses to find his new FB.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 31/01/2022 12:29

You are so right. With him its the thrill of the chase. Once the relationship settles into reality, working, paying bills .... he gets wanderingitis!
How long do these mistress wait until they eventually smell the coffee. She can at lest give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt move in with her permanently then ditch him. Unfortunately I have the slime ball living with me as we jointly own the property.

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Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 15:03

@JaneP1964

You are so right. With him its the thrill of the chase. Once the relationship settles into reality, working, paying bills .... he gets wanderingitis! How long do these mistress wait until they eventually smell the coffee. She can at lest give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt move in with her permanently then ditch him. Unfortunately I have the slime ball living with me as we jointly own the property.
It's not the thrill of the chase for him. People who are thrilled by the chase tend to have short relationships, breaking one off then moving to the next. Or at the very least ending one relationship once they find the next person to be with.

In your DH's case the thrill is probably the cheating on you. That's where the rush of endorphins comes from. You are an important part of what gets him off.

What you won't know though is whether the OW is looking for a relationship. She may well be just as bad as he is. Might be my ex!

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 31/01/2022 15:35

He's had numerous affairs with all his wives and has never before left a wife for another. His affair before this one produced a child, he has noting to do with either the child or the child's mother. She was 20 years his junior. This one is the same age and apparently she is desperate for him to be with her full time, divorce me, sell the house and buy a house with her. She left her husband and thought he would have left me at the same time. Unfortunately for me he hasn't left yet and doesnt even look as if he will leave! Cake and eat it!

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Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 15:37

@JaneP1964

He's had numerous affairs with all his wives and has never before left a wife for another. His affair before this one produced a child, he has noting to do with either the child or the child's mother. She was 20 years his junior. This one is the same age and apparently she is desperate for him to be with her full time, divorce me, sell the house and buy a house with her. She left her husband and thought he would have left me at the same time. Unfortunately for me he hasn't left yet and doesnt even look as if he will leave! Cake and eat it!
Yeah, but either he won't do that or he'll be cheating on her within a year. We all know it!

If I was a betting man I would expect him to still be living with you until such time as you file for divorce.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 31/01/2022 15:48

Oh don't worry, I have filed for divorce. I tried on adultery but in the UK the cheater has to agree to it and he just ignored my solicitor letters, when I confronted him he just said he'll do it when he's ready. So I proceeded on unreasonable behavior. He had no option to then instruct a solicitor. I have tried to reason with him over the finances, I even drew up a fair financial plan but he totally ignored it. I would love to confront this woman and ask what bullsh*t he is feeding her. She left her husband so why can't he leave me. I feel as if he has now dug himself into a big hole that he cannot get out of. If he wanted to be with her he would go. I packed his bags the day he told me of the affair. He left on the Saturday morning and was back by Monday!!! When I told him to leave and go to her he just said 'it's not that easy'.

OP posts:
Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 15:59

@JaneP1964

Oh don't worry, I have filed for divorce. I tried on adultery but in the UK the cheater has to agree to it and he just ignored my solicitor letters, when I confronted him he just said he'll do it when he's ready. So I proceeded on unreasonable behavior. He had no option to then instruct a solicitor. I have tried to reason with him over the finances, I even drew up a fair financial plan but he totally ignored it. I would love to confront this woman and ask what bullsh*t he is feeding her. She left her husband so why can't he leave me. I feel as if he has now dug himself into a big hole that he cannot get out of. If he wanted to be with her he would go. I packed his bags the day he told me of the affair. He left on the Saturday morning and was back by Monday!!! When I told him to leave and go to her he just said 'it's not that easy'.
Did he have that love child when he was with you? Because if that's the case I beg to differ that you can file for divorce on the basis of adultery! You normally only need the consent of the cheater because it's impossible to prove but fathering a child is pretty damning evidence!

That said, probably cheaper and easier to go with unreasonable behaviour.

I wouldn't bother with the OW. She probably deserves it to be honest if she's cheated on her own husband and went with a married man. I certainly wouldn't feel too bad about it, plus they'll probably try and humiliate you and treat you like "crazy lady" if you try and talk to her. Keep your dignity and let her lie in that bed of her own making.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 01/02/2022 13:53

Yes the child was whilst he was married to me. This was 7 years ago. I foolishly tried to forgive him then. With hindsight I wish I had dumped his sorry ass!
When I found out this last time (2 I know of but I am sure lots I don't know about) I packed his bags. As previously stated he came back after 2 days. Seeing as she is desperate to have him move in, something is telling me he never told her I kicked him out!!!

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Unknown83 · 01/02/2022 14:38

@JaneP1964

Yes the child was whilst he was married to me. This was 7 years ago. I foolishly tried to forgive him then. With hindsight I wish I had dumped his sorry ass! When I found out this last time (2 I know of but I am sure lots I don't know about) I packed his bags. As previously stated he came back after 2 days. Seeing as she is desperate to have him move in, something is telling me he never told her I kicked him out!!!
Ah, so over 6 months since adultery so you cannot claim. Bloody hell, you're a saint putting up with that.
Original poster
JaneP1964 · 01/02/2022 15:29

I don't know about saint, more like a fool.

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Original poster
JaneP1964 · 24/02/2022 14:14

Well 7 months to the day and still not left! Divorce going through but need to sort finances out. Given all my details to the solicitor so just waiting for him to draw up a plan. No doubt my stbx will rip it to shreds!

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Unknown83 · 24/02/2022 14:20

@JaneP1964

Well 7 months to the day and still not left! Divorce going through but need to sort finances out. Given all my details to the solicitor so just waiting for him to draw up a plan. No doubt my stbx will rip it to shreds!
I suspect he's not going to leave until the finances are sorted out. His solicitor (if he has one) will be advising him not to leave because this can draw the process out (e.g. they might think you will start stalling the process when you have lost the motivation to get him out of the house).

Hopefully that's an indication he wants to get on with it though.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 24/02/2022 14:39

He does have a solicitor. I even drew up a financial plan and gave it the stbx to see if we could sort this ourselves. But he ripped it up and just said, not doing anything until I'm ready!
I just want it sorting and be able to sell and move on.

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Stillfunny · 25/02/2022 06:19

I had to live with my cheating husband for over two years. Originally , he lost his job and said he had nowhere to go. Then got a job and we were going to counselling as married 30 years and decided to work my way through. Then Covid hit , he again lost his job and was home all the time.Again nowhere to go. After lockdown , he still couldn't get a job and refused to leave without one.
He sat on his arse and did absolutely nothing . He said he would do anything to repair things but failed to do anything meaningful. I definitely made it unpleasant for him as constantly berated him and threw all the sleazy facts at him. Just go yo show how passive and disinterested he was that he could ignore it all.
I would have slept in a tent rather than be here. Eventually he moved out to go to a job.Lost that after two weeks. But by then , I had packed all his stuff up and he has never returned. And yes , he did end up in a bedsit but unfortunately he has now inflicted himself on my daughter .
So I do understand how horrible it is for you. He has gone 9 months and the relief is amazing . I have rid the house of his presence, things are so much easier. But now ,he divorce process starts which will not be smooth as he has made such a financial mess of things.

Original poster
JaneP1964 · 25/02/2022 23:17

@stillfunny. I wish you all the best with your divorce. At least your rid of him now 😊. I’ve found out he’s been seeing her well over 2 years. She left her husband for him 18 months ago. And she’s still waiting for him to leave me. So she told her husband a year before he told me! I think she’s in for a long wait!

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Original poster
JaneP1964 · 11/04/2022 15:42

Well things are still the same! Although I am now dating someone. Somehow stbx has found out and oh my goodness has he spat his dummy out. Seems one rule for him and one for me!
Hopefully this will wake up his sorry backside and get on with the financial plan!

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AelinAshriver · 11/04/2022 16:09

Oh Jane, I'd have my date over and have really loud sex and date nights at home when he's in.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 12/04/2022 00:36

@JaneP1964 make it really uncomfortable for him. Even when your boyfriend isn’t there, just pretend he is and made obnoxious loud sex noises telling him he’s the best you’ve ever had etc. make it unbearable for him to stay in the house!