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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Advice needed…

26 replies

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 11:35

Hi I’m looking forward advice / support, I am at the end of what I can take with STBXH.
I left him at the end of May, things had been difficult for years, a lot of anger issues / emotional abuse on his side.
We have DS9 and DS6.
We still live under the same roof and it is taking its toll, I am struggling to cope. A lot of tension, arguments happening in front of the kids etc..
We have a flat that was rented (accidental landlords, we lived there and couldn’t sell when we needed to find somewhere bigger). It is on the market, we will need the cash to finance STBXH to have a deposit for a new property / me to be able to lower the mortgage on the house.
Tenants are moving out on 30th September and I have suggested that STBXH moved there whilst it is on the market, so we can all have a more peaceful life. Have offered for him to come to the family home twice a week to see the boys, and said I would go to the gym / see a friend on those evenings so he has privacy with the children.
He is point blank refusing to move. No reason given / impossible to discuss with him without him yelling at me all sorts of awful things.
We had an appointment with a mediator last week, that he arranged, but she emailed me the cost and I can’t afford it. It would be £450 each for the first ´proper’ session and the final report, then £200 each for every additional session.
What can I do??? I am totally lost, I can’t live like this. Am seriously thinking of moving to the appartement myself, but I feel like I can’t live my children…
Any advice would be gratefully received…

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/09/2021 12:05

You are very lucky to have a flat as well as the marital home so I would definitely move in there if your ex refuses too.

Mediation isn't £900 😳 it's £200 or £300. If your ex isn't going to be cooperative then just go to mediation once. You only have to go once and then the divorce can proceed via the court route.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 12:08

Do not leave your dc op..
Not even short term.
Your stbexh will claim he is the main carer. And apply to keep the family home. Possibly claim Cms off YOU..
And ime turn the dc against you given you 'left them'...

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/09/2021 12:12

Yes sorry meant to say take the children with you of course

Orangejuicemarathoner · 19/09/2021 12:14

take the children with you and move into the flat

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 12:59

Thanks for advice. I hadn’t thought he could claim to be the main carer for the children. Have just found a mediator who accepts the government voucher scheme, hopefully it will help, and if not at least I can tick that box.
Has anyone gone to court without the assistance of a solicitor? Have seen one and I have a good idea of what I can reasonably ask for, but can’t really afford someone if I go all the way…

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/09/2021 13:13

I went without the assistance of a solicitor. I just knew that my ex would not co-operate in any way and would tie me up and be arsolian for years to push up my legal bill.

The divorce process itself its just a matter of submitting the right paperwork at the right time to the court, which I did. I did hire a direct access barrister to negotiate with me on the day in court and everything went fine. I got 50% of the assets in the end (despite 3 dependant children living with me) but my ex wanted me to have 20%.

If you can't agree the split between you then the court decides. And the court will be fair. Go straight for financial court hearing and cut out 2 years of faffing around. Good luck.

Purplewithred · 19/09/2021 13:13

I've walked in your shoes - 14 months, lost 2 ½ stone, probably the worst year of my life. I can assure you This Too Will Pass, and it will be worth the short-term gain.

With the benefit of hindsight, negotiating with someone you are divorcing in a not-very-amicable divorce is always going to be very very hard. Neither of you are going to behave very rationally and both are going to be focused on protecting yourself.

So no, he won't move out, as he will be scared it gives you some kind of an advantage and/or he doesn't see why you should get to stay at home while he can't.

Can you use the flat any other way to get some separation - maybe you go there a couple of nights a week, he goes a couple of nights, something equal and fair? And that gives the children some peace and lets them get used to having just one of you around?

Divorcing is expensive - you will need to expect that some of your settlement is going to go on legal fees. However, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 13:15

I moved out and the plan was to share dc.. Spent 4 years fighting for any sort of quality time. And longer repairing my relationship with the dc. One was irreparable sadly. Exh had done such a number on him.
The others went nc with him in time due to his neglect and hatred of my.
A long long difficult time.
Avoided if I had fought properly the legal way.

MissSmiley · 19/09/2021 13:16

In my experience mediation made things worse for us, we reached an amicable agreement on our own, it took a long time for my ex to come to terms with the split but I was patient, mediation was just too stressful and upsetting for him

NoSquirrels · 19/09/2021 13:25

When you talk about selling the flat to give him a deposit/lower the mortgage on the family home for you to stay, it sounds like you’ve discussed him moving out & you and the DC staying put.

But clearly that isn’t an agreed plan if you haven’t had mediation and he doesn’t want to move to the flat. It sounds much more like he wants a different outcome - selling both properties etc?

If he’s arranged a mediator then he’s clearly willing to discuss the way forward so even if the one he found is too expensive (although £450 to move things along sounds reasonable to me) you do need to expect to spend some money on this as it is obviously expensive to split.

I assume you’re working on a 50-50 childcare/access basis? If so perhaps if you suggest the flat being a sort of ‘nester’ arrangement where you both stay over there equally, alternating with being in the family home, that would work?

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 14:09

Sorry should have put all info initially!
We have agreed to sell flat and split money. I will be the main carer for the children, he will have them other once or twice a week, and every other week end.
I will stay with them in the family home. I have put my career on hold to look after them, I used to work as an accountant and earn more than STBXH. He now earns 3 times what I earn.
I would leave with slightly more than him out of this, around 60 / 40 in my favour, to allow the children to stay in the family home. We live in a 3 bed semi detached, it is at the low end of the market where we are, so no real option to move locally somewhere cheaper.
I am working more and maximising my income, I will not need to ask for any maintenance other than for the kids, and we are looking to achieve a clean break. He is not in a position to look after the children 50/50, and has not asked for it, he is happy with the childcare arrangement mentioned above.
Nest arrangement would be difficult to work out on a practical level. STBXH rarely finishes work before 7pm / does sports a few evenings a week, and we have issues around how we manage house chores (I do most of them), so managing this in 2 places and having to change bedding etc… every time we change around would probably lead to even more conflict and resentment.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I worry that mediation will not work, and because there is a history of abuse, I can see how this would impact the process.
I will go ahead but will stop after one session if it doesn’t go anywhere.
@NoSquirrels I agree £450 is not much to move the process forward, but unfortunately this is money I haven’t got. And yes he is willing to move the process forward, but his anger gets in the way of discussions. A good mediator might help us to resolve this. I might be naive, but I’m hoping to manage this with minimal legal fees.
@MissSmiley this is what I worry about. I think we need to concentrate on the future, and mediation will only work if the mediator stops us from talking about past issues, as this would aggravate the situation.
@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe thank you for sharing this, good to hear the court was fair, and good advice re. going straight to financial hearing
@Brollywasntneededafterall so sorry to hear about your experience, that is just awful. Made me think about my instinctive reaction of wanting to move out…

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 14:11

Sorry typo! Over not other…

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 19/09/2021 14:16

Nest arrangement would be difficult to work out on a practical level. STBXH rarely finishes work before 7pm / does sports a few evenings a week, and we have issues around how we manage house chores (I do most of them), so managing this in 2 places and having to change bedding etc… every time we change around would probably lead to even more conflict and resentment.

I meant in the short term, instead of him moving to the flat completely - but if his issue is just anger and control then he’s clearly not to be reasoned with really so perhaps it is a non starter.

I think you just need to stay as calm possible and try not to discuss anything that will lead to arguments, especially around the kids - in effect, start practising for after you’ve separated properly, and only discussing practical things that affect the children - and get it all rolling as soon as possible.

If he’s abusive then anything that is your idea will automatically be a no-goer. Once you accept that you have more chance of manipulating him into things like going to live in the flat - he needs to think it’s his idea, I expect.

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 14:29

@NoSquirrels yes you’re right, anything I put on the table is automatically rejected. I have been ok at staying calm but the past few days he has really pushed me to my limits and I have exploded a few times, I need to get control back.
thanks that is excellent advice… I am totally useless at things like this. How can I get him to think moving into the flat is his idea??

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 19/09/2021 14:35

I would insist he moves out but don't push to sort anything else at the moment. In what way was he abusive?

There's no big urgency to divorce immediately and then once he's living elsewhere he might be more inclined to get things moving

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 14:47

@MissSmiley he is emotionally abusive, and has a lot of anger outbursts. A lot of yelling / slamming doors / kicking things / putting me down.

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 19/09/2021 15:06

I would do whatever you have to do to get him out of the house and then reassess once that's happened, you'll be in a much stronger position because he'll be keen to get the flat sold and get sorted

Why won't he go? Has he given you a reason?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 15:23

Has he ever caused damage to property? Personal items? Court were interested to know if my dc had witnessed any of the above..

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 16:09

@MissSmiley there is no rational explanation. He says that he is not going anywhere until we have a firm plan as to what will happen if we can’t sell the flat. I keep saying that we will need to cross that bridge when / if we come to it, but that the starting point has to be providing the kids with a safe environment and that we would all be happier. He says he agrees and that this is hell for him too, but still says he won’t move out.
He is very upset and angry, I think that is his way of expressing it…

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 16:11

@Brollywasntneededafterall yes the children have witnessed a lot of it… he has destroyed a metal bin by kicking it, but there is no other material damage I can think of.
DS9 reported him to his teacher for physically hurting him and behaving like a bully (his words), which is when I understood I needed to leave…

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 19/09/2021 16:23

He can't stay if he's being violent
Next time he kicks off call the police and he might realise you mean business

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 20:42

Judge ordered nc between exh and the older 2 dc due to what they had witnessed... They dc also wrote a letter as to why they didn't want to see exh. They were 7 and 10..

RandomMess · 19/09/2021 20:54

I would speak to national domestic violence helpline and see if the threshold for an occupation has been met as he keeps kicking off and you and the DC are frightened.

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 22:01

Really sorry to hear your story @Brollywasntneededafterall that sounds incredibly difficult. The boys want to see their dad, and I would like to keep that relationship going for them, as long as I have no concerns for their well being of course.
I’m hoping that if my ex is not with them all the time anymore and doesn’t spend more than one or 2 evenings in a row with them, it will limit stress. Me being out of the picture should help too…

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 19/09/2021 22:02

@RandomMess thank you I will try them tomorrow

OP posts:

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