Divorce or menopause ?

[GoodnightGrandma]

I’m teetering on the edge of telling DH I want a divorce.
I want to be me, I want to be in charge of my life and my money.
Do I want to end it or is it the menopause making me feel this way ?
Anyone separated at this stage and regretted it ? You

How long have you been feeling like this? Menopause sure as hell shakes your world up a bit, but not feeling in control with money and autonomy sounds like it’s about something else. Mid-life absolutely challenges all our decisions and is often a time of other big losses and changes: ageing parents, adult children, careers. I think menopause can also magnify underlying issues as well.

On and off for a couple of years. Always worse around PMT time, but never really goes away.
We are In separate bedrooms due to his snoring (heaven !) . We do t do anything together, and I can’t say that I want to.
It’s this strong desire to be ‘me’, to be in charge of my home, to have my own money. I have my own account , but it’s not legally mine, it’s legally half his.
I just don’t know, I just don’t want to make a big mistake.

He’s not an unpleasant man in any way, but he gets on my nerves.
And I know I get on his.
I sometimes get a tight feeling in my chest when he’s around.

If you are not happy, and financially you can leave then do so. You will probably be better friends and husband and wife

@GoodnightGrandma

He’s not an unpleasant man in any way, but he gets on my nerves. And I know I get on his. I sometimes get a tight feeling in my chest when he’s around.

You might have to be specific as to why he gets on your nerves. Is him being human getting on your nerves, or is it some odd/unusual behaviour?

Him breathing sometimes.
He’s done some things in the past, money related, that pissed me off and I can’t let it go.
I rand a solicitor for advice about 18 months ago. We had a big chat about 12 months ago and nothing has changed, but I’m not sure I want it to. I just wish he’d go away.
This is day I need to know if it’s over, or if it’s menopause.

I had a menopause divorce. It is then that the rose tinted glasses come off and you see everything for what it really is. I suddenly realised I was nothing but a maid to my husband and binned him. Three years later I do not regret it one bit.

Why do you have no control over money?

I too had a menopause divorce. Should have done it years before, but menopause highlighted to me just how unsupportive and generally shit my ex was (and while I was suffering really badly with menopause symptoms he was cheating..) Never regretted it.

I agree with a PP that menopause is when the rose-tinted glasses come off - and stay off! I've known a lot of women leave their husbands at this age, and often for reasons like yours.

I knew one woman, when she hit her early fifties she told her husband she wanted to divorce, and the only reason she could give him was that she "just wanted to live alone". He couldn't understand it and was convinced there must be another reason. Everyone who knew them was convinced an affair would come to light, but I understood what she meant - she just had this overwhelming desire to be her own person, not answer to anyone and be in charge of her own home, decisions and finances. She's still living alone and single now, and is really happy.

@MrsKeats

Why do you have no control over money?

He had a lump sum given to him. He is frittering it away, he would not agree. It’s ‘his’ money but legally it’s mine too. I want to live within our means, he puts stuff on a credit card. I can’t see how much is on his credit card, he agreed at our ‘chat’ not to use it unless when buying a holiday etc, where using a card is beneficial.

@DotDotDotDot

I agree with a PP that menopause is when the rose-tinted glasses come off - and stay off! I've known a lot of women leave their husbands at this age, and often for reasons like yours.

I knew one woman, when she hit her early fifties she told her husband she wanted to divorce, and the only reason she could give him was that she "just wanted to live alone". He couldn't understand it and was convinced there must be another reason. Everyone who knew them was convinced an affair would come to light, but I understood what she meant - she just had this overwhelming desire to be her own person, not answer to anyone and be in charge of her own home, decisions and finances. She's still living alone and single now, and is really happy.

That is it in a nutshell. I want to be alone, I don’t want to be a wife. I want to be me.

Jesus, I sound like Shirley Valentine, but I’ve no desire to bonk a Greek man. Or any other man !

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from. I have just started hrt, to both allevitate symptoms but also to get my brain back. I have to say symptoms are much better but feelings for my dh have not returned in fact its just reaffirmed that I want out. I could however go for another man 😂!!!

I really don’t feel that I want a man in my life, I want to be unattached.

@GoodnightGrandma

Jesus, I sound like Shirley Valentine, but I’ve no desire to bonk a Greek man. Or any other man !

I often catch myself quoting lines from Shirley Valentine in my head

Get divorced
Go free
See another life
If in 5 years time you want and he wants you can date then marry again

I am half way through a menopause divorce. My periods suddenly stopped in July 2017 and never returned. Within 6 months I was going crazy (I was 45). I had always felt unfulfilled in my marriage and knew I had married someone too old for me (10 years older) and who was very unsupportive, lazy and didn’t notice me as a woman. He was very strange in a lot of ways. Like someone else said, my rose tinted glasses had been removed and I felt very different about my marriage. It wasn’t a marriage. We didn’t share the same bed or room. I wanted to do separate things. I wanted freedom. I wasn’t attracted to him either and had stopped our sex life years ago (long before the menopause kicked in). Our second child was conceived artificially (secondary infertility) and, looking back, I think I wasn’t falling pregnant for a reason.

Anyway, my head was turned by someone else - sorry to say I went through the sex surge of menopause and still couldn’t go near him - and realised I had to do something. We had nothing in common and I was striving forward in my career while he had stayed static in his. I was bringing n most of the money and felt under pressure to do so. I did everything at home. Everything to do with bills or the kids was left to me. He never noticed when I was tired/stressed. I felt like Cinderella. I was Cinderella. If we went anywhere I was bored - he could sit at a meal and utter zero words!!! He never complimented me. Never told me he loved me in our entire marriage (verbally) and was as exciting as a dead fish. I hadn’t had sexual experiences before him - very shy when I was young - and had grown up on a council estate with a single (older) mother and life had been pretty dull as a child. I guess I saw him as an escape (he took me abroad for the first time etc.) even though we got on well. I always knew I didn’t feel right and it was obvious I was depriving myself of happiness and being unfair to both of us.
I dropped hints and he told no notice. I ended up feeling very frustrated and in a constant downer. Obviously, the raging hormones of menopause made me feel 1000x worse. I felt detached a lot. Anxious. I knew I didn’t want him around. I ended up ignoring him as it was the only way he would take notice that I was unhappy. He was still happy to live like this. I wasn’t. I filed for divorce, after 23 years of marriage, at the end of December last year. He moved out in April. I’ve dragged it out a bit - simply to spread the cost - but I am free to apply for decree absolute in October. I feel bad for him. He is not a bad person. I just don’t want to be married to him. The marriage is non-existent!

I have no regrets and wish I had stopped burying my head in the sand and done it sooner!

I think you know in your heart of hearts when your marriage is over. It was the last thing I wanted - divorce (I even hate that word) - but it was the only way for me to move forward.

Oh and I had seen a GP about my feelings and he asked when we had last had sex. I said 10 years ago and he said ‘well that’s not the menopause is it?!’

What a pp said about menopause magnifying underlying issues is 100% true! You become less tolerant of 💩.

I never married, but always wanted to desperately! I tried internet dating in my late 30s early 40s whilst going through the peri menopause (unknown to me) by 45 it was all over! I've come to the conclusion that our hormones play tricks on us, they rule us and control us and make us do stuff.. when they're gone you wonder wtf was I thinking!! It's nature through and through. If you married your best friend you're a winner,if you married for any other reason and you can afford to go your separate ways maybe you should!!?

I am going through menopause divorce too, but I do not agree with some posters who are saying that the menopause is to "blame". Menopause it so to "thank". I think that age gives you power, gives you courage and opens your eyes to what has been going on for years.

When I turned 50 I felt empowered. I suddenly started feeling like another women. No, I actually realized that I have forgotten who I really was, felt like I have left myself twenty five years ago, abandoned beside the road somewhere and suddenly I found myself again. I literally woke up one morning and thought to myself, "wtf am I doing in this bed', in this life, in this "role"? This is not me, I am not happy, I am misirable. I realized that I needed to be true to myself, did not want to ever again do something that I did not want, I wanted to be FREE.

@freeatlast2021 this is just what I felt too, like suddenly falling off a cliff. Just couldn't do it anymore and no amount of dh trying to change will make any difference menopause or no menopause.

But do you think that is menopause or simply that it tends to coincide with a time of life when children may have left home and suddenly there is time to stop and evaluate your own life again?

@Jng1 For me it felt like I suddenly woke up from a prolonged coma. I told myself:" I am not taking anybody's BS any more. I am too old for that". That unfortunately, included my husband.