Divorce or menopause ?

[GoodnightGrandma]

I’m teetering on the edge of telling DH I want a divorce.
I want to be me, I want to be in charge of my life and my money.
Do I want to end it or is it the menopause making me feel this way ?
Anyone separated at this stage and regretted it ? You

My kids are still young (17 and 13) so it is definitely the menopause rather than kids leaving the nest. Hormones, though, are extremely powerful!

@freeatlast2021I think I felt like that - to some extent. I felt very different as a person and seemed more confident (so much so I went for a senior management role and got it - along with a nice pay rise). I also felt less tolerant of everyday sh*t so went for freedom.

[quote SpottyBlueTeacup]**@freeatlast2021I* think I felt like that - to some extent. I felt very different as a person and seemed more confident (so much so I went for a senior management role and got it - along with a nice pay rise). I also felt less tolerant of everyday sht so went for freedom.[/quote]
Yup, same here, exactly the same. Couple of years ago, I got a management position too where I am earning a lot more then before. It is like I finally realize that I deserve more from life.

@freeatlast2021 congrats on the job!

What do you feel like when you are away from each other for a few days?

@SpottyBlueTeacup and to you as well!!

As regards the money, I know someone who said that if you fritter money, I am going to take the equivalent for myself. She meant it.
The strategy worked. He stopped the frittering.

@lightand that’s a good one!

My mother did this and I’m sorry to say she did regret it. When she went through menopause my father couldn’t do anything right and when she called his bluff and moved out thinking he would beg her to stay, he was quite happy to see her go. Sadly she had made everyone’s life hell for so long we were all relieved. Unfortunately by the time she came out the other side, there was no going back. It was very sad for my brother and I, but in retrospect it was the best outcome for my father who met someone else and is still happily married. My poor mother never did.

Just be very clear on your motivation before you make any big decisions and also be aware that whilst menopause is certainly hell for many women, it can also be hell for their family.

Yes, my Mum left my Dad during her Menopause. Lots of people told her it was ridiculous to divorce in her 50s as they'd been together so long. No point continuing something if it makes you unhappy though. All of a sudden she wanted freedom. She had relied on my Dad since she was 17, raised 3 children, and wanted to concentrate on herself and be independent.
It was really bloody hard because I'd just had a baby, and my Dad had a breakdown. It ruined both my sister's relationships with our Mum and Dad. The worst bit was that I was privvy to personal details. Both parents offloaded onto me. It was shit. I wish they'd broken up when I was younger so they wouldn't have confided in me so much.

My Dad has since remarried. Deep down he's still in love with my Mum though. My Mum is single, and sad that she hasn't met anyone. She is happier than when she was with my Dad. As she gets older the responsibility to look after her has got much bigger. She gets pretty lonely despite having lots of friends. It's a weird one. I think ultimately she is better off without my Dad. She has sacrificed a lot to do so. I think she would say she has made the right choice. My Dad still can't understand why.

I don't resent my Mum for what she did. Her happiness is really important. I wish they had communicated more. I think their main problem was poor communication.
Sorry for the slightly miserable post! Just wanted to offer a different perspective.

Interesting to hear your perspective Dentistlakes.

My Mum would certainly say she was happier, but she suffers from bouts of depression. I am the only family member nearby, and the only child she has a relationship with.

I think it is easy to make decisions when you are in a comfortable position. My Dad gave my Mum enough money to buy a house, but she decided to rent, go adventuring, and live off the rest of the money. I think she's been a bloody fool, but I understand why she did. Now the money has run out and she has nothing. I'm a single parent on a low income, and I am helping to financially support her. It is hard.

@lightand

What do you feel like when you are away from each other for a few days?

I'm always happier when he's away - it's like I can do my own thing, I'm in control, just lots of seemingly inconsequential little things that slightly irritate are no longer there. Yes, he's my best friend I guess. But I don't want to live together any more. We have a lot of fun and laughter. But I still don't want to live together any more. It seems a little inexplicable to me but I've felt like this for something like three years now so I don't think it's menopause .... I think it's just moving on in life, kids are nearly all grown up etc.

@Ridiculousradish
Really useful post. (Makes note - no offloading on the kids).
I worry that my dh will react in the same way. Did your df have any advance warning or was it out of the blue? I'm hoping if I do it gradually it won't be so devastating. My dh does already know my feelings though I think he's hoping I'll change my mind.

I had a menopause divorce but as a previous poster said, it was a lot to do with the timing: my children were old enough, I felt, for me to leave.
I am happier overall however it can be VERY lonely especially around bank holiday weekends and going on holiday alone takes some getting used to.
I've had to get used to a much lower income and to doing everything myself such as car maintenance, fixing things in the house, sorting finances etc. Others may well already be doing all this stuff but I had to learn it.
To the poster who said you can date and marry again - if only it was that easy! I've done OLD several times and it's grim. I've not met any potential partner in real life (I've heard that walking groups are good for that but I have knee problems so can't do this) so I'd say if you do decide to leave, be clear in your mind that the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just different.

@MiddlesexGirl
No my Dad didn't really have any advance warning. They hadn't exactly been happy for years though. They just didn't communicate. He worked 12 hour days, came home, moaned, and then fell asleep. I think my Mum had had enough. Her Mum had recently died, and I think it just put things into perspective. My Mum told him how she was no longer happy, and they went to marriage counselling, but were told there was no point as my Mum had made up her mind.
My Dad behaved badly. He just lost the plot. He was calling me numerous times a day in a panic. I'd just had a baby and had pnd. He later said that he expected my sisters and I to be more supportive. That upset me a lot. I explained that we were his children, not his counsellors.
They both behaved pretty badly to be honest. I don't blame them though, their whole world was falling apart. I do wish they'd not shared as much as they had though. There are things I wish I had not heard, but they're only human. People fuck up.

@MiddlesexGirl
Sounds like you have a much better relationship with your DH than my parents had. I don't think my Mum would have ever described my Dad as her best friend. There was little fun or laughter. They were just 2 people living in the same house. I wish they'd communicated more. I think things could have been much better. Nothing can get better if you don't talk.

This thread is fascinating. I was talking to a friend about exactly this the other day.

I could quite happily ditch DH and waltz off into the sunset some most days lately. But I'm sure it's hormonal. It's like ongoing PMT.

Then the skies clear and I see how he is always kind, helpful and eager to please me and I feel terrible.

He's my second DH and 100% better than my first one. He dotes on me. I wouldn't get that again, I don't think. So I'm going to work through this patch and keep us together.

Sex is REALLY important, I've found. We stopped sex for a while as I had really awful periods and it definitely made me feel less affectionate and warm towards him. It's hard, though, as I have no desire for sex at all.

I think I need to see a proper gynaecologist for a proper treatment plan.

Part of me worries that I'll battle through this patch and keep us together, come through the other side and love him more than ever.... only for him to dump me for a 30 year old. 😬

@Ridiculousradish
I am so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for telling it as it is interesting to hear kids prospective on things. My stbx was my best friend for a long time and we could still talk about anything, except our personal issues. Still, your parents story reminds me somewhat of mine. When I told my husband that I wanted to separate he was shocked. I have been unhappy for years (over a decade), but I guess I did not communicate that clearly to him. Like I said, it was difficult for us to talk about important stuff. He was difficult to talk to and I gave up at some point, I guess. I offered him counseling a year prior though but he refused, so I started it by myself and that helped me make my decision. I do not know if having couples counseling would have helped but at least we could say we tried and also certain things would have been said.

My kids are also telling me that he complains to them a lot, but apparently about how they are not visiting enough (we have three and only one of them is minor), so my older DD says, "dad needs therapy, we can not be his therapists". I feel bad about that. Now that I am free of him my kids have to deal with his narcissism and selfishness.

My experience. I jumped - late 40s from a VERY long relationship. And I could not be happier! My deep regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I knew at 40 and I couldve had fun dating in my 40s, regret. My ex is also a nice guy. I hovered on these boards as it isn't easy when faced with a so called nice guy who you laugh with and have shared history with and no one's having an affair. But I knew it felt wrong. We also didn't have sex and he wouldn't speak about it. In real life people say to work on it and that everyone has low points - true but sometimes it just isn't right. And you cannot flog a dead horse. It was always just me doing the work, reading the relationship books, booking therapy or a weekend away. He did not put the energy in. And talking of energy - mine has sky rocketed since ending it. Yes, its been hard! Co-parenting is a challenge and requires lots of communication and being an adult! But I enjoy being single, sometimes I feel sad or lonely but I just feel those feelings, normal to feel that. But I'm now hopeful for the present and future. I've found that I enjoy doing things on my own or with my ds. My support network(no family) is rubish but I've still done alright, you find the reilience, especially if energy is freed up.
All the best to anyone going through this! It can take years to make this decision. But in general if there's too many doubts then you need to leap. Then do the work - as they say. I've done a lot of soul searching since. And will approach any new relationship with a real difference. And take way more accountability these days.

@caketherapy I regret not doing it sooner too and feel like I have missed out on a real, passionate relationship with another man. I feel I have left it too late (49). I was so naive, young and inexperienced when I met my husband I didn’t realise that I would change as I matured and regret it. He is a nice man but just doesn’t do anything and can be very selfish. I wasn’t attracted to him and realised, years ago when we did have sex (which was extremely boring btw), that I was fantasising about an actor or something when he was doing his stuff. He was never affectionate and never kissed (he couldn’t breathe). The list goes on. I regret my lost years of happiness. Like you, I had no family support so that has been tough working in a demanding role full-time and not having help. Also, no one I could trust to confide in. My mother died in 2015 (bowel cancer) and one of the last things she asked me was if I was happy in my marriage. I told her everything was ok but it wasn’t.
I’m scared for my future. I’m in the process of selling the family home and will buy somewhere else. I’d love to be in a village but know I would end up with a mortgage until my 60’s (I am mortgage free atm).
I was so shy and quiet as a young girl. Stayed in my room mostly and avoided guys so I never had the experience of others - sex, connection, etc. - it is my biggest regret because I married the wrong one - a man 10 years older who lacked emotional and physical connection.

Bumping this old thread

I certainly feel like this now..

Thanks for bumping this thread Georgeismydog. I feel like it too and it has made for an interesting read. I could have written Spottyblueteacups post with a few variations. I have questioned this many times but I know it is more than the menopause, I have changed, grown up. This relationship isn't right for me but getting out of the situation is taking a long time for various reasons. I too, will no doubt regret not taking action sooner but life is complicated (I have dc's also).